(CNN)The mayor of Tampa Florida has officially notified the International Olympic Committee that they will be submitting a formal proposal for new sport to be included at the 2012 Summer Olympics in London. When asked for comment, city officials stated that they hoped their new sport would be included in future games for generations to come. They however were mum on the specifics as the formal proposal had not been submitted. CNN investigative reporters however were able to get a copy of the proposal. We have learned that the new sport is called the “quad dump”.

The basics of the sport were first developed by the deputy sheriffs at the Hillsborough County Jail by practicing on wheel chair confined prisoners after self review of video capturing deputy sheriffs twice in one month dumping helpless prisoners out of their wheel chair onto the floor.Mayor Pam Iorio felt there was a certain combination of art and strength needed to effectuate a successful “quad dump” and therefore should be classified as a sport. When asked for his opinion, Hillsborough County Sheriff David Gee smiled and stated ” we have taken the art of “the dump” to a whole new level.” Our deputy sheriffs are visiting jails all over the state asking for wheel chair confined inmates to volunteer for “quad dump practice” in exchange for a free pack of cigarettes. He went on to confidently state that they would be ready should the new sport be approved. More to follow………

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So you think that Blu Ray has won the one and only battle it will fight with the victory against HD DVD? Think again…. Round 2 has not yet been fought. There will not be as much at stake as the the battle just fought but it will be fought just the same.  How do I know this battle to be fought? It will be fought because there are more law students than lawyers in this country.

 The next battle will be the class action litigation against HD DVD player manufacturers. The first cannon shot has already been fired by Toshiba with their statement that there will be no refunds offered to those who have purchased soon to be obsolete HD DVD players. No rebates towards purchase of other products, zippo, zilch, nada…… Just a caveat emptor right in the kiester! I can not think of a quicker way to get sued than telling your customers with legitimate complaints to F***k off…… 

Nothing new here though. Without short sighted companies like Toshiba there would be no need for McDonalds coffee case taking Democrat plaintiff’s attorneys. The whole legal system would collapse……So let it be written…. So let it be done……

Attorneys are a lot like strippers. The world is all about our client until the bill is paid…..

I can across a post on a very well respected legal marketing blog called Legal Marketing Blog.com. The title of the blog was “How Convenient is it for Clients and Prospects to Reach You?”. The blog makes the common sense point that in pretty much any profession, the easier you are for your clients to access you the more goodwill you build resulting in greater client retention and referrals. Makes good sense right? Of course right!

What I found humorous was the attempt to lay out these principals to the legal profession. The proposition that attorneys will read this and change the way they do business was very intriguing to me and contradictory to what every legal bone in my body tells me after 20 years. In fact, there is about as much chance of that as there is any validity to my untested theory that I can go backwards in time by putting my auto up on cylinder blocks and going in reverse at full speed…

It is a time tested and well accepted position that 98 percent of attorneys don’t give a shit about who can get a hold of them and for the most part actually go to great lengths to keep people from getting a hold of them unless of course the person is calling about their unpaid bill or the call will generate a substantial billable rate. If the call will not generate a fee you have as much chance of talking to the attorney as Johnny Cochrane rising from the dead. Client goodwill is something only mused about in terms of what you could have done after the client has told you to F*** off and/or files a grievance with the State Bar. Not that you will learn anything when you send the next client’s call to voicemail.

The golden rule from what I have seen is that a client is just a means to an end with no form substance or history unless a payment is late or a trial is about to start…. Other than that all phone calls are unnecessary time wasting annoyances. Client service is for sales people. We attorneys are not sales people; we are highly educated and skilled professionals who are above client service small talk. You come to us for results, dog us when we don’t get them and forget about us after we come through. Doesn’t this justify the fact that I don’t give a shit about you the client? Right? Of course right!

I know solo and small firm attorney’s who have taken so many cases beyond their ability to provide client service that the only way you will get a hold of them is to impersonate a judge or an investigator from the State Bar of Texas. In my 20 years, there have been 4 times where I looked at a practice and predicted that an attorney would be sanctioned by the State Bar in some form within a few years. I was right each time. It was not rocket science in each case, the attorney absolutely did not give a shit about any of his clients other than getting a check. They avoided client calls, didn’t return calls, full voicemail’s etc etc. The ” if” was easy. It was only a question of when…..

Lawyers at large firms often don’t give a shit about their client any more than small or solo firms but they are able to do better damage control because they have people they pay to give a shit and to tell them when they’re not giving a shit is about to cost them money such as more work from the client or the referral of a new client.

Small firm and solo attorneys lose out the worst because they they don’t give a shit to the same extent as big firm attorneys but they generally do not have any “I don’t give a shit” damage control procedures in place. They therefore don’t find out that the “I don’t give a shit” philosophy has cost them until they are fired. They also get hit with the double “I don’t give a shit” whammy when they are fired and the client bad mouths them. Obviously referrals are not forthcoming from pissed off clients….

Large firms generally have enough “I don’t give shit” buffers in place that the client may never realize that his/her attorney does not give a shit.

In my experience, do you know what the solo and small firm response to this problem is? You guessed it….

“I don’t give a shit”

Are there excellent kick-ass client service oriented attorneys out there at small firms and large? Of course there are. I know many. There are however also a ton of attorneys out there. In my experience the “I don’t give shits” far outnumber the “kick ass” and they are not reading legal marketing blogs… Why? You guessed it!

THEY DONT GIVE A SHIT

I am not talking about Roger Clemens. I am talking about his attorney, “former” powerhouse Houston attorney Rusty Hardin. I would imagine Rusty probably does not need to work another day in his life but if you could value attorney’s like you do a sport’s franchise, his value just went from the stratosphere of the Dallas Cowboys to the Arizona Cardinals(the lowest valued team in the NFL according to Forbes)

If you are talking hit to reputation, you can also analogize him to the New England Pats walking into a can’t lose situation and now being just another “almost team” right there with the Seattle Seakhawks…..

With Rusty’s huge ego, you can bet he was calling every shot for Roger. You can also bet he devised the strategy and undoubtedly advised Roger to press forward with the hearing that couldn’t have gone any worse if it had been scripted for both of them to come out looking like idiots and what is worse, exposing Roger to criminal liability?

My advise to Rusty is to stick oil deals, Harris County Courtrooms, and power lunches in Houston. I certainly don’t think anyone else will be asking you to represent them before Congress in the next 30 plus years………