A new NBA Season is upon us.  New hopes and new players driving the Dallas  Mavericks to what is hopefully another trip into the NBA finals scene.  Could we  once again head to the Miami SouthBeach  NBA Finals scene to battle the big three of the  “New-Heat,  who at least early on appear to be more like New Coke?.

To being my training for possibly heading to the the Finals freak-show known as Southbeach, I decided I needed to begin early and put on my training wheels.  While certainly not the level or intensity of the Miami scene, the social scene in Dallas, “singles season’’ never ends. In preparation for multiple nights of after-game bars, clubs, see and be seen sports mackdaddies and douchebaggery, I recently roamed the streets of Dallas after the Mav’s home game, checking out various nightspots while contemplating what will hopefully be a great Mavs season. I wandered about, contemplating how we would make the playoffs, play deep in, and hopefully challenge again for that elusive Larry O’Brien NBA Championship Trophy.

At the same time, I was stunned by a similarity between singles scene as the NBA:

Life imitates art. Basketball imitates life. Especially in social interactions.

I saw all kinds (as I often do), not all of them enviable kinds. There were the 30K Millionaires, the Cougars, the GoldDiggers and the MackDaddy D-bags, and I saw all kinds of similarities between the social interactions I witnessed out on the singles scene and the great game of hoops.

Let’s lace up those high-tops for a walk onto the hardwood court of Dallas (and note that I believe it’s largely the same for any big-city nightlife where a basketball season is played out). There are no points for second place. The winners hit nothing but net while the losers head home alone and whine the next morning about how they gave their best. The only way you can only get a “clear path” to the basket” view of all this is if you are living outside the 3-point line.

To watch this game – and to maybe be more than a baseline season-ticket-holder — I had to re-learn all I knew about basketball and how it applied to the nightlife scene. Once I had finished learning the rules and different offensive (sometimes very offensive!) and defensive sets, a night out in Dallas became more entertaining than watching the NBA Finals.

Well, almost

In order to see what I saw and know what I know you have to have a basic understanding of basketball “terminology” as it applies to both the NBA and the nightclub scene. Once you have this understanding you will never look at a bar or nightclub in the same light. Here are some of the terms you need to understand:

“Palming”: The act of adjusting oneself in a nightclub right in front of your buddy/wingman and the hot girl you are talking to. This is a change in possession foul and you must now transfer possession of the hot girl to your buddy.

“Slam-dunk”: The last drunk girl in the bar at 2 a.m.

“Full Court Press’’: Within 15 minutes of meeting a girl in a bar you have given her your phone number, certified financial statement, recent HIV test and two round-trip tickets to Vegas for the next day. You’ve even sent flowers sent to the girl … while still in the bar.

“Flagrant Foul”: At the very moment the hottest girl in the bar is handing you her telephone number, your best buddy, say, picks his nose. This is a two-shot foul. You retain possession. Your buddy must buy two shots of any drink you choose for you and any girl you want the rest of the night.

“Double-Double”: You figure it out…

“Triple Double”: U DA MAN!

“Clear Path Foul:’’ You picked up the hottest girl in the club. She has told you how much she wants you. You are on your way back to your place. She pukes all over your car.

“Fast Break”: You’ve just arrived, you have not even valeted the car yet and your buddy is coming out of the nightclub, hot girl on his arm.

“Traveling”: You live in Dallas. She lives in Fort Worth. This is a change-of-possession foul – but only if your buddy doesn’t care where she lives.

“24-Second Violation’’: You meet a hot girl. You spend the first 25 seconds talking about your millions in the bank, new Maserati, your listing on the Forbes 400 and your Gulfstream while your three roommates look on. This is also known as a “30K Millionaire Violation.” It is a turnover – she turns herself over to the next guy in the bar who actually owns a Maserati or Gulfstream.

“Double Dribble”: You forget to tie your shoes. Just as you are about to hand your girl her drink, you trip and spill both drinks on her. This is a change-in-possession foul as your buddy because your buddy uses it against you. She agrees and goes home with him.

“Back-Court Violation”: Your posse is in the club. You have drink in hand when you realize your driver was denied entrance because he wore tennis shoes, thus violating the dress-to-impress code.

“Alley-Oop”: Your buddy generously hands off to you that last drunk girl in the bar at 2 am. You are hoping to convert to a “slam dunk.’’

“Moving Screen”: Your buddy is not getting near that girl. She is going home with you!

“Blocking Foul”: Just as the hottest girl in the club is handing you her phone number … this is gonna be good. … your buddy approaches and and is nice enough to report that he found your wedding ring on the floor.

“Offensive Foul”: You had Italian for dinner. You’re about to kiss your girl goodnight — on the cheek, because you’re a gentleman — when you burp just a little. Is that a piece of spaghetti that’s landed on her cheek? Another turnover. To anybody. As long as it’s not you.

“Technical Foul”: She told you she was 21 when you bought her a drink. This is an ejection. A one-game suspension. And a timeout. … maybe to be spent in a 4×6 with bars.

“Offensive Rebound”: It is not your fault your buddy can’t close.

“Tip Off”: You spy something on her neck. It is suspicious. It appears that the attractive woman you are looking at has an Adam’s Apple.’’

“Two-Minute Warning”: It’s last call. You struck out. Your designated driver has left and you have no cab fare. Time for more “traveling.’’ Because you’re walking home.

There’s the rules of the game. And unlike the NBA regular season, which must come to again, in the nightlife scene, every weekend brings a playoff round!

©2010 Brian Cuban

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With Christmas around the corner, It is time for my new WTF Skymall list.

Anyone who has flown almost any commercial airlines more than a few times is intimately familiar with Skymall magazine. Skymall is required browsing for any airline travel warrior.

It is a magazine of gadgets, oddities, collectible and future garage sale items that are supposed to make our lives easier, more enjoyable or simply give you an excuse to open up an EBay account. When do we reach the reach the upper limits of our 3o Thousand feet boredom and finally read Skymall cover to cover? Here are a few reasons:

When you are stuck on a flight with no Wi-Fi;

When you have read American Way Magazine cover to cover, and are upset that someone else has done the crossword puzzle and you failed the MENSA quiz;

When you have mooched and read the US Magazine, USA today and Better Homes and Gardens from the passenger in the seat next to you;

When the baby next to you is screaming uncontrollably and you need a distraction with the only things left to read being the barf bag and the card that reminds you of what won’t save your life if your plane goes down.

When you have done all of the above you finally pull Skymall out of the seat-back pocket.

The effect of Skymall magazine on the enjoyability of a flight is not to be taken lightly. Have my fellow frequent-flyers not also experienced that irritated knot in the stomach and let out an exasperated sigh when you excitedly pull out the Skymall mag and see that it is the same issue that you read on the last flight? How many times can we look at a Rosetta Stone ad and try to convince ourselves that it would be useful to learn Pashto?

I have on many a flight gone through every item in the magazine analyzing its cost-benefit to society and simply wondering who would be stupid enough to actually buy a Indoor Dog Restroom. Is there really an impulse buy at 30k feet?

On a recent flight I was excited to see that there was a new edition of Skymall. The Holiday Edition. With X-mas right around the corner and needing to make a list and check it twice, what better place to start than Skymall and its 240 plus pages of very cool to very weird gadgets and gifts for the traveler who has everything and the gift recipient who will say thanks but will really be thinking WTF!

Here are my top 10 WTF Skymall gifts for Christmas:

Living and Dallas, and suffering through one of the worst Dallas Cowboys seasons in history, this item caught me eye:

The NFL Crouching Lineman Bubba.  At just 5 feet, Bubba may be too small to make difference  but he certainly has the look of a winner.  At 139.00 Bubba is a much better deal than the overpriced inflatables that currently crouch the Cowboys offensive line.  If I buy five Bubbas and donate them to the Cowboys maybe Jerry Jones will give me an ownership interest.  Grab yours today because the way the Cowboys are playing Bubba will be going free agent next year.

The Underwater Cell Phone System(1,790.00) It advertises as follows:

With the Alpha UWCP, talk with someone 15,000 miles away while diving a tropical reef or in your pool! This complete and sophisticated communication diving system can do it.

I still can not figure this out. Is this in case you get drunk and go overboard on a cruise ship? What’s more, do you really need an underwater phone to make a call from your swimming pool? Spend 50 bucks on a waterproof case instead! Maybe this is a big seller in the treasure hunter profession. At almost $1800.00 we may not see this in many garage sales but I have no doubt one will turn up inside a shark one day.

Toppik Hair Building Fibers Being follically challenged and having often thought of coughing up the big bucks for the Bosley Clinic, this item caught my attention. I frankly thought that this stuff went the way of the “As Seen On TV” Ronco Veg-o-matic and Ginsu knives. It advertises:

Many A-list celebrities use Toppik to enhance their image, on screen and off. Hollywood stars trust Toppik. It’s undetectable, even in close ups and stays on through wind, rain and perspiration.

Even more interesting to me than whether it works are these mysterious “A-List” celebs. I want to know what celebrities will admit to spray painting their heads. TMZ should get on this immediately. Conspicuously missing was a disclaimer that Toppic should not be used by people who are color-blind. I smell a lawsuit…

Old Yankee Stadium Seat. (799.00) A used seat from the old Yankee Stadium. Unless Babe Ruth or some other Yankee legend sat in it or autographed it, this is a WTF item. It is however is certainly more reasonable than a seat a the new Yankee Stadium. My advice is to pay the 799.00 for this seat, put it in front of your big screen and MLB package. You can then laugh at the suckers who coughed up tens of thousands of dollars to sit in something that they will be able to buy for about 800.00 in the 2040 Skymall Holiday edition.

Remote Controlled Tarantula. Any adult that buys this for himself has repressed violent tendencies. If he is buying it for his kid, what message is this supposed to send? Terrorize your fellow children with big disgusting bugs? Nice. I am so weirded out by spiders that just picture of this gives me the willies. This faux spider would not last five minutes in my house. Survival reflex would take over and it would be squashed into 1000 bits of circuits and switches

Oil Extractor(69.95) They advertise this like it is the common thing to do to crawl under your own car and change your own oil. The ad states:

“This is How Mercedes Factory trained techs change oil”

Well isn’t that why we don’t crawl under our own cars and let them do it ? A Mercedes owner that changes his/her own oil?  That is a WTF in itself.

The King Tutankhamens Egyptian Throne Chair(895.00)

Our artists capture every detail when they recreated this attention-demanding, full-size replica throne from King Tut’s 3,500-year-old museum original in Cairo. This substantial designer resin work of furniture art is exquisitely hand-painted in the rich palette of Egypt and features real gold leaf.

Maybe this is the impulse buy for the Trans-Atlantic flights that show The Ten Commandments. So it shall be written, so it shall be done…

Basho The Sumo Wrestler (95.00). “Basho crouches in his mawashi (Sumo belt) in these intricate sculpts with wide stances. This Toscano-exclusive heavyweight is cast in quality designer resin for display in home or garden.”

If you are looking for an easy way out of your marriage simply give Basho to your wife for Christmas or place him a center piece on the dinner table right after she has told you she feels like she needs to lose a few pounds… On the other hand, I only glanced at him for a second and immediately renewed my gym membership. At 95 bucks it beats the hell out of lipo.

Electronic Listening Device. (59.95) “Powerful enough to capture distant sounds from 300 feet away. Zoom in and see what you’re hearing. Sounds and images impossible for the human ears and eyes to pick up now seem as if you’re only a couple of feet away. This secret surveillance device is perfect for when you really need to know what’s going on.”

The perfect gift for the soon to be divorcing couple so they can spy on each other. If your spouse or significant other suddenly turns up with this gadget and tells you it is to pick up “bird sounds” you should be suspicious. Do you really want to be with someone who has those kind of voyeuristic tendencies? This would be a much bigger seller as a “his and hers” so you can spy on each other.

Head Spa Massager. I am not really sure what to say about this.  From the photo it appears that you can either massage your head, audition for alien guest spot on Star Trek, remove Spock’s brain, or prepare for the invasion of Troy.  A great combination of options at 49.95.

Last but not least. Are you still wondering who would be stupid enough to buy the Indoor Dog Restroom? Wonder no more. It was me. Yes I was suckered into the Skymall impulse world of future garage sale items. Was my dog happy to do her business on her new AstroTurf? The answer was yes but it was not the business I expected.

What they don’t tell you is that for this to work you have to have your dog piss in a cup and pour it on the turf so she gets the scent. I dutifully followed the instructions. I poured her “business” on the fake grass. My dog walked right over to it, looked up at me and took a dump on the AstroTurf. I am still trying to fumigate my apartment. WTF!!

While I did not read it,  I found the title of the  book, The Pedophile’s Guide to Love and Pleasure: a Child-lover’s Code of Conduct listed for sale on Amazon. com offensive. You probably do as well. Given the title, it’s a safe bet I would find the content offensive.   I also find the fact that Facebook allows groups that deny the Holocaust on it’s site offensive. You may or may not. Many don’t. I find the current play of the Dallas Cowboys  offensive.  If you’re a Cowboys fan, I know you do.

I find many things over a wide spectrum of content and speech offensive. It’s human nature. It is also human nature for people to disagree on what constitutes offensive content. Call me crazy but I suspect there are those who are not pedophiles and who also do not find the book in question offensive.  It can be difficult for companies like Facebook and Amazon to strike a balance in such content when it is not in itself illegal and when they claim to emulate free speech values in  the content they allow on the site.

That being said, I find it offensive that Amazon would publicly state a “free speech platform” in defense of the pedophilia book and then bow to consumer pressure and threats of boycotts removing the book in blatant contravention of that statement.  Assuming that Amazon removed the book and not the author, I find the hypocrisy offensive.  This was about money, not morals.  This was about being on the brink of their biggest profit season of the year. If this was March, in my opinion,  they cite that free speech policy and don’t pull the book. This was “shopping season censorship”. That’s fine. That’s their right. Amazon can arbitrarily  remove whatever content they want regardless of their policies. I wish they would simply cite that right without reason and not pretend they emulate free speech values.

Amazon’s statement about the book when the controversy arose:

“It is censorship not to sell certain books simply because we or others believe their message is objectionable,”

“Amazon does not support or promote hatred or criminal acts, however, we do support the right of every individual to make their own purchasing decisions”.

Amazon has now pulled the book. From an “offensive” standpoint good for them.  It was offensive.  From a “what we just said about censorship and individual rights is bullshit”  standpoint, it was also offensive.  Shame on Amazon for pulling it.  If they want to change their  “free speech emulation” policy fine, change it and post it.  Until then, spare us the hypocrisy when removing the book was really all about shopping season censorship…

I am back in the the Big Apple for the New York City Marathon as a spectator for the first time since I ran it in 1999.  I am not running this year but it brings back memories of  when I strode the streets of NYC.

I have been back in NYC plenty since then but the is the 1st time while it is being run since I staggered across the finish line in just over 4 hours in what turned out to be the last marathon I would run. It ended my marathon career after 8 of them, including the Pittsburgh Marathon, Marine Corps Marathon, San Francisco Marathon and the Dallas White Rock Marathon. My best time was 3:27 in my second Marine Corps Marathon.  My worst was somewhere in the 4 hour range in the Dallas White Rock Marathon.

Each Marathon has specific memories attached to it.  I remember running the San Francisco Marathon next to a one legged guy on a skateboard.  I remember getting a huge boost from seeing my parents and law school classmates out in force cheering for me running past the University Of Pittsburgh Law School during the Pittsburgh Marathon.  I remember my only failed marathon, crapping out from dehydration at mile 14 of the now defunct Columbus -Bank One Marathon.  My memory of the New York City Marathon?  Pizza.  After running through all of New York City in one of the greatest marathon spectacles in the world, it all came down to pizza.

I trained well and ran fairly well through most of the marathon in cool, rainy weather.  At about 20 miles however, I hit the wall just as the course turned back into Central Park to head to the finish line. By the time I crossed the finish line I was so dehydrated and cramped that I could not even straighten my legs.  To make matters worse, the course funneled the finishing runners, in what amounted to a “death march” back up through Central Park to an exit about 3/4 of a mile away.  I cried, cursed and cramped every brutal step of the way.  My mood brightened considerably however when I finally existed and saw that I had come out of the Park right across the street from the apartment I was staying at.  I limped inside and headed straight for the bed.  Once down, I began cramping so bad that I was basically in a fetal position.  I however knew that I had to get some water and food in me.  There were two problems.  I did not know the area to go anywhere and even if I did, I could not straighten up to walk anywhere.  I had to think outside the box. 

I had to think outside the Pizza Box.  It hit me.  What is the international language of “I am hungry”?  It is Domino’s Pizza!  No matter where you are in this great country of ours, lost or found, there will probably be a Domino’s Pizza within delivery distance.  After a brutal,  panicked wait for food, the doorbell rang.  It  was either the NYC Marathon committee to congratulate me on my great finish or the pizza guy. Either way there was still an problem.  I could not get off the bed to walk to the door.  I rolled off the bed onto the hardwood floor and crawled s-l-o-w-l-y to the door.  I reached up and opened it while on my hands and knees.   The pizza delivery guy looked down at me and said “ran the marathon huh” I painfully nodded and handed him his money telling him to keep the change and put the pizza and drinks on the floor.  I then pushed my deluxe pizza and cokes s-l-o-w-l-y back to the bed.  I rested the pizza on my stomach, and when finished, praised my ingenuity and the virtues of  pizza delivery.  I finally managed to straighten up and passed out.  The marathon committee never did show up to congratulate me. If they knew the whole story they might have.

That’s my New York City Marathon memory…