(CBN)The City of Pittsburgh, Pa, home of the Major League baseball team, the Pittsburgh Pirates is abuzz with shock and outrage over the discovery of secretly recorded meeting between between Pirates majority Owner  Robert Nutting and General Manager Neal Huntington .

The bizarre exchange occurred in Nutting’s office after the Pirates executed a series of questionable trades and player sales in a  roto rooter roster purge ending in the unloading almost all of their starting lineup in exchange for cash and a collection of unknowns who have failed to produce squat in 2010.  The Pirates in fact, appear to be on-track for the worst season in team history.  The  moves prompted the front page headline “WHO THE HELL ARE THESE GUYS” in the local Pittsburgh newspaper.  The following a a transcript of the recorded conversation.

Nutting: Come on in Neal, have a seat.

Huntington: I’m glad you called me in. I’m still unclear on a couple things about our team direction.

Nutting: Oh, really  Like what?

Huntington: We have traded away practically every decent player we have.  This will be the worst Pirates team ever and that’s saying something after 17 consecutive losing seasons.  I think Russell is going to quit and start selling Goodyears.  Who will manage the Pirates moving forward if he does.

Nutting: I was thinking of the Dos Equis Man. He will fit in quite well with our team concept.

Huntington: What exactly is our team concept?

Nutting: That’s what I wanted to talk to you about. I want to put together a team that will help us relocate to Cuba

Huntington: Cuba?  Your joking.

Nutting: I’m serious about this Neal.  It’s no secret I’ve never liked Pittsburgh much. The weathers lousy, the downtown is a pit, the stadium’s too small,we cant draw dick and no one is reading my crappy newspapers. Another 2 years of this and I may need to start feeding  Ogden real dog food.

Huntington: You can’t just up and move a team on a whim!

Nutting: It’s hardly a whim.  Fidel has offered to build us a new stadium — 62,000   capacity, 45 V.I.P. boxes, and all rent to be subsided through sugar cane sales. No other franchise in baseball can match that deal.

Nutting: Whats more, Fidel has taken a liking to the Dos Equis Man.   Fidel personally told me he finds him incredibly interesting. Whats more, he looks like him.  He likes the commercials and thinks of him as the son he always wanted .  There is also a national Cuban Tequila brand rolling out that will provide some good marketing perks . I plan offering Mr. Equis a long term contract to replace Russell.  Fidel will be the starting 1st baseman in Spring Training. The job’s his to lose.

Huntington: You cant be serious!

Nutting: I’m not serious, my name is Robert, whats wrong with you….

Nutting: Whats more, we will be given the option of signing player development contracts with the parents of all promising Cuban prospects. We will have exclusive negotiating rights starting at 7 years old as well as their real birth certificates. We will corner the Cuban baseball talent market!

Huntington: Even so, the League and the City will never let us  leave Pittsburgh.  There is a lease and laws we have to deal with.

Nutting: I have that all figured out!   During the next off-season  I will  have us scheduled for an exhibition game in Cuba.   While we are in Cuba, under my authority as owner and in the best interests of baseball I will undertake a mass defection of the entire team.   The bottom line is that if we play bad enough no one will care if we defect and the players will love the sunny climate.

Huntington: You mean you want us to lose?

Nutting:  We’ve been losing.  I want us to finish dead last and set an all time loss record.  Speaking of which, I heard Mario Mendoza is making a comeback, offer him a 3 year deal and a free AARP membership.

Huntington: You are out of your mind!

Nutting: Well I still think print media is viable if that’s what you mean.

MORE TO FOLLOW!

©2010 Brian Cuban

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