(Washington) Fox News has learned that President-Elect Barack Obama will introduce a emergency bill into Congress that will rid the country of all disaffected voters who have stated that they would leave the United States if he was elected.  If passed the bill would immediately strip the citizenship of those affected subjecting them to immediate deportation.  We have  learned that the U.S State Department is already in negotiations with France to accept all those whose names  appear on the “Obamalist”.  While refusing comment , Obama was heard in a “hot mike” stating:

“I am simply fulfilling the will of those Americans who expressed a desire to no longer live in this country if I am elected.  We will send them to France where they can get a true taste of socialism.”

It is rumored that once on the list, the person would have 30 days prior to being deported  to sell his home  or let it go back to the government for re-sale and  monetary redistribution under his new economic stimulus plan.

French president Nicolas Sarkozy stated that his country welcomed all dissatisfied Americans.  France would be happy to indoctrinate all interested in the true nature of Socialism. He went on to state that  his hot former model wife  Carla Bruni,in the true French socialist tradition and loving thy neighbor would redistribute her “assets” as a welcome to the first American male to arrive.

Details to follow….

Before the ADL and JIDF put a hit out on me, I am Jewish.  I know for a fact that I can’t play basketball.  You could make good money by wagering that I could not hold a dribble from one end of the court to the other completely unguarded.   If I told any team that I was not going to play on the Sabbath, the laughing wouldn’t stop until sundown of that next Friday.  Is this the Jewish curse?  If there were basketball courts in the time of Moses would we have been doomed to play hoops for 40 years rather than wander through the desert?  Would Rameses have said “not only will I not let your people go but you can’t drive to the hoop?”

There are many of the Jewish faith who play basketball.  Local Jewish Community Center and and B’nai Brith leagues are full of great “J Hopes”.  While I know we are certainly represented in European basketball the pickings are slim here in the USA.  Are there any Jews even currently playing in the NBA? (David Stern and Mark Cuban don’t count). I did some research and I was able to find the following Jews currently playing in the NBA:

Jordan Farmer of the Los Angeles Lakers.  Jordon played just over 20 minutes a game last year averaging 9.1 ppg.  Not to bad for a tribal representative.  He however will not be getting any  simchas for his 3 point shot or lackluster free throw percentage.  A little Kabbalah string serenity may help on the line or in the alternative an affair with Madonna. In fairness to the Jordan and the other chosen, there are noteworthy  Jewish NBA ballers going back through history.  It appears however that we are much more adept at owning sports franchises than playing for them.

You are not going to see too many conservative or orthodox Jews playing in professional sports.  If the guy sucks it’s no big deal but if he is any good and observant, he is not going to be that amenable to helping the team out from sunset Friday to sunset Saturday.  Moral of story.  If you are going to recruit a Jew, be sure he/she is a reform or have your designated gentile for play those big Sabbath games.

It is actually not all that uncommon to read about Jews missing big weekend games due to observance of the Sabbath.  Now and then there is controversy. You have the competing interests of the schools, fans, teammates all of which put an enormous amount of pressure on those with strong religious convictions.   There was a recent controversy involving a Jewish high school basketball team who refused to play  a championship game on the Sabbath. The Herzl/Rocky Mountain Hebrew Academy team ultimately never had to face the religous dilemma. They fell one win short of qualifying for the championship game. The governing body had however already ruled against them so they would have forfeited the game had they advanced.

I actually found just this subject discussed on the website ABOUT.COM. The question was whether Conservative Jews can participate in sports on the Sabbath. Here was the answer give by Rabbi Barry Dove Lerner:

“Thanks for writing. First, I encourage you to speak with your Rabbi about this matter and other matters of Jewish law.

Please understand that I share your own sense of the importance of sports. In high school and college I participated in sports and I am still - to the best of my knowledge - the only Rabbi ordained in North America to have held a national championship and record in a NCAA sport - archery! And I taught archery at Camps Ramah for seven years to literally hundreds of campers of all ages. I encourage the children to both get involved with their school teams AND to respect Jewish holidays and Shabbat. So I share your enthusiasm for the self-discipline, the physical fitness, etc. that sports participation can bring one..

However, please understand that Conservative Judaism as such will not invalidate Shabbat and Jewish law simply to facilitate our wants and desires. Family activities are wonderful, but I would start now to begin to offer alternatives before the real confrontation between parents and children might arise. Lastly, once again, turn to your Rabbi for advice and guidance on what is and what is not appropriate for your children within the community programs.”

Ah yes, that is the ticket to the future for all Jewish athletes. ARCHERY!  There is your answer.  Excel in archery and the Sabbath is yours!  You can pretty much put an arrow in something any day of the week so why sweat the weekend.  He talks about offering alternatives to your children. The next Jewish Pele? 

As The Good Book Says… ” Tis better to own to than to dribble”

I think I need to pull out my Fiddler On The Roof DVD to get some guidance from Tevye on this.

SO LET IT BE WRITTEN, SO LET IT BE DONE!

(New York) Word is out that  publicly traded Blue- Star Airlines(BST)  is falling victim to the Wall Street crisis and an unexpected unfavorable verdict with regards to a crash several years ago.  At 12 a.m this morning Blue-Star Airlines ceased operations and  filed for bankruptcy protection in New York federal  court leaving thousands of employees on the bread line.

Investors are also up in arms that new Blue-Star CEO Bud Fox allegedly ran up hundreds of thousands of dollars in credit card debt to invest in Blue-Star based on inside information given to him by his father Carl Fox.  Carl who was the head union litigation representative allegedly tipped off his son that there would be a favorable settlement of a lawsuit arising out of the crash that took the lives of all on board.  It turned out that the information was false. The case went to trial.  A 300 million dollar verdict was entered against Blue-Star.

Reports are that Fox who was leveraged to the hilt with a devalued Manhattan Condo and other toys allegedly ran up hundreds of thousands in cash advance bankruptcy debt to purchase Blue-Star stock in advance of the expected favorable settlement news that never came. He hoped to make a killing  when the stock shot up on the favorable lawsuit news.

Word on the street is that Fox who was making about 500k a year was financially and personally reeling. His long time high profile socialite interior designer girlfriend Darien Taylor who counted billionaire New York real estate speculator Gordon Gekko among her clients had recently moved out.

A close friend speaking on condition of anonymity confided that Fox crafted a plan that he thought would get Darien back and put himself  in the black.  Fox had approximately 20 credit cards with available credit somewhere between 200-300k.  He took the maximum cash advances on those cards and invested all of the money in Blue-Star.  He was apparently hoping for a 5-10 point pop that could net him up to 3 million dollars.  He would then pay back the credit card debt and be newly flush.  It is also being reported that he gave the same tip to Gordon Gekko who went long for millions.  The SEC has reportedly opened an investigation in the matter.

Unfortunately Bud’s dad had it all wrong.  The settlement fell through at the last second.  The case went to trial and there was a multi-million dollar verdict against Blue-Star.  Bud now has several problems.  Both American Express and Gordon Gekko now have contracts out on him.  He has also run up 300 grand in cash advance credit card debt that he can not repay.  Bankruptcy would appear to be the only viable option if Bud can pass the Chapter 7 Means Test.   Bud consulted a bankruptcy attorney. He was given some sobering news.  His income of 500k was way above the state mean so he would not be able to discharge his credit card debt. He would have to work out a repayment plan.  Visions of getting Darian back disintegrated.   But wait!   Are credit card cash advances to buy stock really consumer debt?  Bud took the position that since the majority of his debt was non-consumer cash advance debt invested in the stock market he was exempt from the means test and should be able to liquidate.

Is Bud correct in his assertion?    Everything being equal, because his cash advance debt is  primarily non-consumer debt he may not have to pass the means test and can file Chapter 7 bankruptcy.  It appears that as long as Bud can trace back the cash advances to his Blue-Star buys he can walk away from his entire mess in a chapter 7.  That’s the upside.  All is creditors are gone.  He can start over.  Of course Gordon Gekko lost big on the advice and does not forgive so easily.   I can feel the ice melting under Bud’s feet as we speak.

Moral of story?  If your considering bankruptcy first run up thousands of dollars in non-consumer cash advance debt on your credit cards. Enough to be exempt from the means test. Then take a flyer in the market with the money.  If if does not work out you can be Bud Fox too.

The NBA season is upon us.  I attended the Dallas Mavericks first exhibition game.  I then took an unusual step for me.  I roamed the  streets of Dallas checking out various nightclubs contemplating the  hope filled start of the Dallas Mavericks season.  I wandered aimlessly from bar to bar contemplating what I hoped was the start of a very successful season ending in a championship.  It struck me that there were many similarities between the social interactions I witnessed out on the singles scene and the great game of hoops. It made me realize that while life imitates art, basketball can imitate life.  If you don’t believe me put on your high-tops any weekend and step onto the hardwood court of Dallas or any big city nightlife where an entire basketball season is played out on any given night. There are no points for second place. The winners hit nothing but net while the losers head home alone and whine the next morning about how they gave their best.  The only way you can only get a “clear path” to the basket” view of all this is if you are living outside the three point line. I stared in awe as a baseline spectator of the same game all over again on a different court.  There different players, different rules and the winners and loser some times much more subtle than the fourth quarter sore or determining the defensive or offensive set. To watch this game I had to re-learn all I knew about basketball and how it applied to the nightlife scene. Once I had finished learning the rules and different offensive (sometimes very offensive!) and defensive sets, a night out in Dallas became more entertaining than watching the NBA Finals.

In order to see what I saw and know what I know you have to have a basic understanding of basketball “terminology” as it applies to  both the NBA and the nightclub scene.  Once you have this understanding you will never look at a bar or nightclub in the same light. Here are some of the terms you need to understand.  You can find the actual NBA definitions for many of these terms here.   These  are in no particular order:

“Palming“  The act of adjusting your crotch in a nightclub right in front of your buddy/wingman and the hot girl you are talking to.  This is a change in possession foul and you must now transfer possession of the hot girl to your buddy.

“Slam-dunk“  The last drunk girl in the bar at 2 am

“Full Court Press “  Within fifteen minutes of meeting a girl in a bar you have given her your phone number, certified financial statement, recent HIV test, two round trip tickets to Vegas for the next day. You even have flowers sent to the girl while still in the bar.

“Flagrant Foul“  At the very moment the hottest girl in the bar is handing you her telephone number, your best buddy picks his nose.  This is a two shot foul. You keep the ball. Your buddy must buy two shots of any drink you choose for you and any girl you want the rest of the night.

“Double-Double“  You figure it out…

“Triple Double“   U DA MAN!

Clear Path Foul:   You picked up the hottest girl in the club.  She has told you how much she wants you.  You are on your way back to your place.  She pukes all over your car.

“Fast Break“  You have not even valeted the car yet and your buddy is coming out of the nightclub, hot girl in hand.

“Traveling”    You live in Dallas. She lives in Fort Worth.  This is a change in possession foul if your buddy doesn’t care where she lives.

24 Second Violation:    You meet a hot girl.  You spend the first 25 seconds talking about your millions in the bank,  new  Maserati, listing on the Forbes 400 and your Gulfstream while your 3 roommates look on. The is also known as a “30k Millionaire Violation”   It is a change in possession violation to any guy in the bar that actually owns a Maserati or Gulfstream.

“Double Dribble“  You forget to tie your shoes.  Just as you are about to hand your girl her drink, you trip and spill both drinks on her. This is a change in possession foul as your buddy calls you a clumsy idiot stating that he would never be so stupid.  She agrees and goes home with him.

“Back Court Violation“  Your posse is in the club. You have drink in hand when you realize your driver was denied entrance because he wore tennis shoes.

“Alley Oop“   Your buddy hands off to you that last drunk girl in the bar at 2 am.  You are hoping to convert to a “slam dunk”.

“Moving Screen“  Your buddy is not getting near that girl.  She is going home with you!

“Blocking Foul“ Right when the hottest girl in the club is handing you’re her phone number and your buddy comes up and says he found your wedding ring on the floor.

“Offensive Foul“   You had Italian for dinner. Your about to kiss your girl good night on the cheek (because you’re a gentlemen) when you burp and a piece of spaghetti lands on her cheek.  This is a change of possession foul.  She does not care who gets the ball as along as its not you.

“Loose Ball Foul“   No clean underwear and an unknown hole tear in your pants.

“Technical Foul”   She told you she was 21 when you bought her a drink.  This is a ejection from game foul and a minimum one game suspension to be spent in a 4 by 6 with bars.

“Offensive Rebound“   It is not your fault your buddy cant close.

“Tip Off”     You spy something suspiciously looking like an Adam’s Apple on the hot “girl” you are talking to.

“Two Minute Warning”   Its last call. You struck out.  Your driver has left and you have no cab fare.

You now have the rules you need to step into the hoops arena of Dallas Nightlife  or any big city club scee where unlike the NBA, every weekend brings a new season..