humor

Lets Get Naked In Times Square!


You can not spend any decent amount of time in New York City’s Times Square without seeing or “running into” the Naked Cowboy.  It’s a guy named Robert Burck who, wearing nothing but a pair tightly fitting perv shorts,  plays his guitar for the tourists, gawkers and registered sex offenders looking for a quick visual fix.

I have seen Burck in his guitar playing “nakedness”.  There is always a crowd around him.  Some get their photos taken, get serenaded, gawk at his physique, even get married.  I have always drifted to the other side of the street. Even letting my eyes fix for a millisecond would be the equivalent of a trip to a male strip club and possibly necessitate years of counseling about my sexual inadequacies.  That being said, I rarely see any guys getting their photo taken with him.

Until this day however, I had no idea that there was also a Naked Cowgirl who, for the last 30 years, has been pandering her wares and “talent” in NYC in much the same manner as the Cowboy.  Apparently in too much the same manner as she has allegedly been accused of trademark infringement by Burck.

According to a cease-and-desist order Kane received from Burck, the Cowgirl’s name and act infringes upon the Naked Cowboy trademark.  Burck is asking Kane to pay him $5,000 per year or $500 per month to use the trademark as part of a franchise agreement.

I don’t know how the legal battle will resolve but I support the right of anyone to get naked in Times Square with or without guitar.  That’s the naked truth!

Posted in Law and Order, humorComments (0)

Breaking! Pittsburgh Pirates Relocating To Cuba?


PittsburghPirates(CBN)The City of Pittsburgh, Pa, home of the Major League baseball team, the Pittsburgh Pirates is abuzz with shock and outrage over the discovery of secretly recorded meeting between between Pirates majority Owner  Robert Nutting and General Manager Neal Huntington .

The bizarre exchange occurred in Nutting’s office after the Pirates executed a series of questionable trades and player sales in a  roto rooter roster purge ending in the unloading almost all of their starting lineup in exchange for cash and a collection of unknowns who have failed to produce squat in 2010.  The Pirates in fact, appear to be on-track for the worst season in team history.  The  moves prompted the front page headline “WHO THE HELL ARE THESE GUYS” in the local Pittsburgh newspaper.  The following a a transcript of the recorded conversation.

Nutting: Come on in Neal, have a seat.

Huntington: I’m glad you called me in. I’m still unclear on a couple things about our team direction.

Nutting: Oh, really  Like what?

Huntington: We have traded away practically every decent player we have.  This will be the worst Pirates team ever and that’s saying something after 17 consecutive losing seasons.  I think Russell is going to quit and start selling Goodyears.  Who will manage the Pirates moving forward if he does.

Nutting: I was thinking of the Dos Equis Man. He will fit in quite well with our team concept.

Huntington: What exactly is our team concept?

Nutting: That’s what I wanted to talk to you about. I want to put together a team that will help us relocate to Cuba

Huntington: Cuba?  Your joking.

Nutting: I’m serious about this Neal.  It’s no secret I’ve never liked Pittsburgh much. The weathers lousy, the downtown is a pit, the stadium’s too small,we cant draw dick and no one is reading my crappy newspapers. Another 2 years of this and I may need to start feeding  Ogden real dog food.Fidel-Castro

Huntington: You can’t just up and move a team on a whim!

Nutting: It’s hardly a whim.  Fidel has offered to build us a new stadium — 62,000   capacity, 45 V.I.P. boxes, and all rent to be subsided through sugar cane sales. No other franchise in baseball can match that deal.

Nutting: Whats more, Fidel has taken a liking to the Dos Equis Man.   Fidel personally told me he finds him incredibly interesting. Whats more, he looks like him.  He likes the commercials and thinks of him as the son he always wanted .  There is also a national Cuban Tequila brand rolling out that will provide some good marketing perks . I plan offering Mr. Equis a long term contract to replace Russell.  Fidel will be the starting 1st baseman in Spring Training. The job’s his to lose.Dosequispirate

Huntington: You cant be serious!

Nutting: I’m not serious, my name is Robert, whats wrong with you….

Nutting: Whats more, we will be given the option of signing player development contracts with the parents of all promising Cuban prospects. We will have exclusive negotiating rights starting at 7 years old as well as their real birth certificates. We will corner the Cuban baseball talent market!

Huntington: Even so, the League and the City will never let us  leave Pittsburgh.  There is a lease and laws we have to deal with.

Nutting: I have that all figured out!   During the next off-season  I will  have us scheduled for an exhibition game in Cuba.   While we are in Cuba, under my authority as owner and in the best interests of baseball I will undertake a mass defection of the entire team.   The bottom line is that if we play bad enough no one will care if we defect and the players will love the sunny climate.

Huntington: You mean you want us to lose?

Nutting:  We’ve been losing.  I want us to finish dead last and set an all time loss record.  Speaking of which, I heard Mario Mendoza is making a comeback, offer him a 3 year deal and a free AARP membership.

Huntington: You are out of your mind!

Nutting: Well I still think print media is viable if that’s what you mean.

MORE TO FOLLOW!

©2010 Brian Cuban

Enjoy this piece?  Be sure to join the Cuban Revolution Fan Club and/or subscribe to my newsletter to stay abreast of future posts and live celebrity interviews on The Revolution Rant

Posted in humor, sportsComments (0)

The 1st Amendment Protects The Future


A Maryland court has held that the “art” of fortune telling for money is protected under the 1st Amendment.  I personally believe the whole thing is bunk but I can also be a hypocrite.  I believe in reincarnation.  I consistently have dreams about being in my early 20′s somewhere is a large city, possibly New York in what I think is the early 1900′s.   It’s always the same dream.  Maybe one day I will go to a “reincarnation specialist” and  throw down a Jackson to have some Whoopie Goldberg type tell me  what the hell I was doing in New York City. I would be pissed if the state tried to regulate my ability to determine if I was as big a goober in my past life as I am now. The First amendment protects our future and it should protect my past. It might also be worth 20 bucks to find out how the Mavs will do next season.  Whoopie can’t do any worse than the ESPN pundits who predicted them to win it all last year.  Here is to my past and your future…

Posted in Law and Order, humorComments (0)

10 WTF Skymall Gifts


skymallAnyone who has flown almost any commercial airlines more than a few times is intimately familiar with Skymall magazine.  Skymall  is required browsing for any airline travel warrior.

It is a magazine of gadgets, oddities, collectible and future garage sale items that are supposed to make our lives easier, more enjoyable or simply give you an excuse to open up an EBay account.  When do we reach the reach the upper limits of our 3o Thousand feet boredom and finally read Skymall cover to cover?  Here are a few reasons:

When you are stuck on a flight with no Wi-Fi;

When you have read American Way Magazine cover to cover, and are upset that someone else has done the crossword puzzle and you failed the MENSA quiz;

When you have mooched and read the US Magazine, USA today and Better Homes and Gardens from the passenger in the seat next to you;

When the baby next to you is screaming uncontrollably and you need a distraction with the only things left to read being the barf bag and the card that reminds you of what won’t save your life if your plane goes down.

When you have done all of the above you finally pull Skymall out of the seat-back pocket.

The effect of Skymall magazine on the enjoyability of a flight is not to be taken lightly.  Have my fellow frequent-flyers not also experienced that  irritated knot in the stomach and let out an exasperated sigh when you excitedly pull out the Skymall mag and see that it is the same issue that you read on the last flight?  How many times can we look at a Rosetta Stone ad and try to convince ourselves that it would be useful to learn Pashto?

I have on many a flight gone through every item in the magazine analyzing its  cost-benefit to society and simply wondering who would be stupid enough to actually buy a Indoor Dog Restroom.   Is there really an impulse buy at 30k feet?

On a recent flight I was  excited to see that there was a new edition of Skymall.   With Father’s Day right around the corner what better place to start than Skymall and its 240 plus pages of very cool to very weird gadgets and gifts for the traveler who has everything and the gift recipient who will say thanks but will really be thinking WTF!

Here are my top 10 WTF Skymall gifts:

underwatercellThe Underwater Cell Phone System(1,790.00)  It advertises as follows:

With the Alpha UWCP, talk with someone 15,000 miles away while diving a tropical reef or in your pool! This complete and sophisticated communication diving system can do it.

I still can not figure this out.  Is this in case you get drunk and go overboard on a cruise ship?  What’s more, do you really need an underwater phone to make a call from your swimming pool? Spend 50 bucks on a waterproof case instead!  Maybe this is a big seller in the treasure hunter profession.  At almost $1800.00 we may not see this  in many garage sales but I have no doubt one will turn up inside a shark one day.

toppikToppik Hair Building Fibers Being follically challenged and having often thought of coughing up the big bucks for the Bosley Clinic, this item caught my attention. I frankly thought that this stuff went the way of the “As Seen On TV” Ronco Veg-o-matic and Ginsu knives. It advertises:

Many A-list celebrities use Toppik to enhance their image, on screen and off. Hollywood stars trust Toppik. It’s undetectable, even in close ups and stays on through wind, rain and perspiration.

Even more interesting to me than whether it works are these mysterious “A-List” celebs.  I want to know what celebrities will admit to spray painting their heads.  TMZ should get on this immediately.   Conspicuously missing was a disclaimer that Toppic should not be used by people who are color-blind.  I smell a lawsuit…

yankeestadiumOld Yankee Stadium Seat. (799.00) A used seat from the old Yankee Stadium.  Unless Babe Ruth or some other Yankee legend sat in it or autographed it, this is a WTF item.   It is however is certainly more reasonable than a seat a the new Yankee Stadium. My advice is to pay the  799.00 for this seat, put it in front of your big screen and MLB package. You can then laugh at the suckers who coughed up tens of thousands of dollars to sit in something that they will be able to buy for about 800.00 in the 2040 Skymall Holiday edition.

Remote Controlled Tarantula. Any adult that buys this for himself has repressed violent tendencies.   If he is buying it for his kid, what message is this supposed to send?  Terrorize your fellow children with big disgusting bugs?tarantula Nice. I am so weirded out by spiders that just picture of this gives me the willies.  This faux spider would not last five minutes in my house.  Survival reflex would take over and it would be squashed into 1000  bits of circuits and switches

Oil Extractor(69.95) They advertise this like it is the common thing to do to crawl under your own car and change your own oil.  The ad states:

This is How Mercedes Factory trained techs change oil”

Well isn’t that why we don’t crawl under our own cars and let them do it ?oilextractor

The  King Tutankhamens Egyptian Throne Chair(895.00)

Our artists capture every detail when they recreated this attention-demanding, full-size replica throne from King Tut’s 3,500-year-old museum original in Cairo. This substantial designer resin work of furniture art is exquisitely hand-painted in the rich palette of Egypt and features real gold leaf.

Maybe this is the impulse buy for the Trans-Atlantic flights that show The Ten Commandments.  So it shall be written, so it shall be done…

thronechair

Basho The Sumo Wrestler (95.00).  “Basho crouches in his mawashi (Sumo belt) in these intricate sculpts with wide stances. This Toscano-exclusive heavyweight is cast in quality designer resin for display in home or garden.”

If you are looking for an easy way out of your marriage simply give Basho to your wife for Christmas or place him a center piece on the dinner table right after she has told you she feels like she needs to lose a few pounds…  On the other hand, I only glanced at him for a second and immediately renewed my gym membership. At 95 bucks it beats the hell out of lipo.basho

Star Trek Captains Chair (2717.01)  “Never before offered to fans, this officially licensed replica features a working swivel design, light-up controls and sound effects from the legendary Star Trek series.  Constructed using expert measurements and the highest quality durable materials, don’t miss your chance to command your own Starfleet vessel from the safety of your home!”

I am admittedly a Trekkie but a faux chair that was never even “Enterprise Used”?  I would rather offer the 2700 bucks to William Shatner or Patrick Stewart to hang out with me for the night.

startrekchair

Electronic Listening Device. (59.95)  “Powerful enough to capture distant sounds from 300 feet away. Zoom in and see what you’re hearing. Sounds and images impossible for the human ears and eyes to pick up now seem as if you’re only a couple of feet away. This secret surveillance device is perfect for when you really need to know what’s going on.”

The perfect gift for the soon to be divorcing couple so they can spy on each other.   If your spouse or significant other suddenly turns up with this gadget  and tells you it is to pick up “bird sounds”  you should be suspicious.  Do you really want to be with someone who  has those kind of  voyeuristic tendencies?  This would be a much bigger seller as a “his and hers” so you can spy on each other.listening

Last but not least.  Are you still wondering who would be stupid enough to buy the Indoor Dog Restroom?   Wonder no more.  It was me.  Yes I was suckered into the Skymall impulse world of future garage sale items.  Was my dog happy to do her business on her new AstroTurf?  The answer was yes but it was not the business I expected.doggierestroom

What they don’t tell you is that for this to work you have to have your dog piss in a cup and pour it on the turf so she gets the scent.   I dutifully  followed the instructions. I poured her “business” on the fake grass.  My dog  walked right over to it, looked up at me and took a dump on the AstroTurf.  I am still trying to fumigate my apartment.  WTF!!

Posted in humorComments (1)


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