Cougars have been all over the news. Not the four legged kind. The 40+ female kind prowling the darkness of the night in search of the their prey. The 25-30 year old hard bodied pool boy playing the part of the 30k millionaire douche-bag. Polo sleeves rolled up.  Phony bank statement in back pocket. Leases the 60k Maserati while sharing an apartment with 4 roommates.  Tribal tattoo and a cheat card for local gangster rapper signs in the other pocket. The illusion becomes reality.  There is even a television show touting the cat like prowess and desirability of 21st Century Cougar babes.

In all the hubbub about Cougars and this declining economy I began to wonder to myself. What ever happened to the good old fashioned Gold Digger?  Are they shrinking in numbers?   The number of available millionaires has declined rapidly in this economic free-fall.  Did the fall of Bernie Madoff put them all out of business?   They are even forming support groups now. Former Hedge-Fund  and trust fund girlfriends trying to predict the next “Gold Digger Bubble”.   I heard that the Gold Diggers Association of America(GAA) had applied for federal bailout funds.

What has happened to the good old  20-30 year old hot bodied secretary by day, stripper by night, sharing an apartment with 4 roomies, three rented dresses and looking for all the sweetness and viagra us 45-65 year old sugar-daddies have to offer.   My home of Dallas, Texas was once the gold-digging capital of the world but now seems to have shifted to the big games of Cougars. I thought all was lost until I read this article(pdf) in Glamour Magazine.

The article is about this lady name Jennifer Binder. She is talking about her thoughts and experiences in having dated the multi-millionaire “ultimate big shot”, disgraced former Enron big wig, Jeff Skilling, who has been convicted of numerous crimes related to the Enron collapse and is currently serving a federal 24-year, 4-month prison sentence. As I read the article, it occurred to me that this Binder lady was really Ashley Dupre and Eliot Spitzer five years removed. I am not saying that Jennifer was a “call girl” in the literal sense of the word. She appears to be educated and fairly successful in her own right. That however does not disqualify her from gold-digger status.   If you could read between the lines what your really had was “The Goldigger’s Guide To The Galaxy”

I have been able to successfully decipher the galactic meaning of this article.  I am going to translate it for everyone by outlining what she says and giving my “take” as to the universal meaning for all “GDITs” (Gold Diggers In Training). Here are her quotes from the article and what she was really saying after applying my Star Trek Universal Translator:

Binder: “Jeff did indeed fly me to England for our first date; later he bought me jewelry and even helped with the down-payment on my house”

Galactic Translation: I am a professional gold-digger. I have no other means of support. I would not even look at you twice unless you had a “Gulfstream” waiting to whisk me off to an exotic location that went over one ocean or the other before we landed.

Binder: “that (the money) really blinded me to the age difference…”

Galactic Translation: Unlike Cougars, professional Gold Diggers have no age requirements. If you are 90 years old and still breathing, I’m all yours if that Gulfstream is fueled and ready. If you’re a trust fund baby, I will “babysit” you until you are old enough to appreciate Cougars.

Binder: “Greed is not good for a relationship”

Galactic Translation: Lots of money will kill a relationship if you no longer have it.

Binder: “If it seems like has something to hide, he has something to hide”

Galactic Translation: If you pay for my condo; seed my bank account; buy my Lexus and fly me to London every week for dinner, I don’t care if you are a ponzi king, hiding eight ex-wives, five illegitimate children, and are a registered sex offender.

Binder: “When friends don’t have anything nice to say about your boyfriend, listen”

Galactic Translation: If he is doing all of the above, WHO NEED FRIENDS!

Binder: “You really can learn from every experience”

Galactic Translation: When you have your next billionaire ‘”mark” in your sites, and he is about to be indicted for anything or pass away from old age, get as many assets as possible including the jet, transferred to your name before he goes to jail or dies.

There you have it. There is no longer any need to take Dramamine every night to combat pole swinging motion sickness. Follow the simple rules above and the world of rich geezers, Ponzi Kings  and insider trading felons is yours for the taking.

©2009 Brian Cuban

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I don’t heart Hamas but do enjoy the humor of Jennifer Jajeh in her wildly poplar one-person show “I Heart Hamas: And Other Things I am Afraid To Tell You”.

Join me February 9th at 4pm(CT) for the 1st Revolution Rant Broadcast of 2010. Simply point your web-browser to:

http://www.briancuban.com/cuban-live/

Jennifer will be talking about her show and what it really means to “Heart Hamas“.  I took a lot of heat for scheduling Jennifer, being called a “Self-Hating Jew, Hamas sympathizer and a “Bad Jew” That tells me this will be a controversial great show!  Let talk to Jennifer about her show and the line between artistic and political expression.

Here is a little bit about Jennifer and her show, I Heart Hamas”

Jennifer Jajeh is a San Francisco based artist. As an actor, she has appeared in numerous film, television, commercial and theatre productions.  She received her actor’s training at the Lee Strasberg Theatre Conservatory in NYC and the American Conservatory Theatre in SF.

In addition to her work as an actor, she has produced and directed award winning independent film and video projects. Her two short films, “In My Own Skin” and “Fruition”, have screened nationally and internationally in film festivals, museums, art galleries and universities. Jennifer is currently documenting a year in the life of an actor and all the ridiculousness involved in pursuing an acting career in her blog called thefamegame.

With the current ongoing conflicts in the Middle East, the threat of global terrorism, and the never-ending negotiations and hostilities between Israelis and Palestinians, it’s hard not to feel overwhelmed by all of the bad international news.

That’s exactly how Jennifer Jajeh feels. And to make matters worse, Jennifer is Palestinian. Well, Palestinian American. Or more precisely: a single, Christian, first generation, Palestinian American woman who chooses to return to her parents’ hometown of Ramallah at the start of the Second Intifada.

Join her on American and Palestinian soil on auditions, bad dates, and across military checkpoints as she navigates the thorny terrain around Palestinian identity. Weaving together humor, slides, pop culture references and live theater, Jajeh explores how she becomes Palestinian-ized, then politicized and eventually radicalized in a fresh, often funny, searingly honest way.

“I Heart Hamas: And Other Things I’m Afraid To Tell You”, recognized by NYTheatre.com as “a fascinating look into a world we don’t often see or hear about,” made its world premiere in 2008 as a part of New York’s International Fringe Festival. Following strong media praise and audience reception, the play made its San Francisco debut on September 17, 2009 as a co-production with Off-Market Theatres.  Jennifer has recently announced that her show will be taking on the road to Minneapolis, Minnesota.

My girlfriend and I were eating dinner at a local Dallas restaurant that doubles a a look and be seen venue of local elite, elite wannabes and 30k millionaires. Translation?  You never know who is going to walk through the door.

As we were chit-chatting and enjoying the visual entertainment, a guy I know entered and walked up to the bar.  He was one of those guys or girls who over the years, you see repeatedly as you and your fixed clique of single, once single and single again acquaintances move through life in a often fluctuating but never really changing mate and date scene.

He was a very good looking guy that always had a very good looking women on his arm.  They however,  always seemed to be the same women.  Not the same in re-hooking up with a previous flame.  The same in that he always seemed to be with a women from the same rotating fixed menu choices that I have seen out on the Dallas scene for the last 10 years.

That night was no exception. In lockstep behind him was  a very attractive women who had also been part of the Dallas “out and about” scene for the last 10 years and had dated nine other guys I know.  I turned to my girlfriend and said:

“That makes perfect sense that they are together”

She inquired as to why.  “Because they are both into group sex”

She was flabbergasted and immediately suspicious.   “How would you know they are into group sex!!”

“Because they run in a group that no matter how many years go by, at one point or another, everyone in the group has dated or slept with everyone else in the group.  Group Sex!!

About three months later I saw the same guy again at a Dallas Mavericks game.  He was with, you guessed it, another group sex girl!

What is it about this “group sex” phenomenon.  Ten or Fifteen years will go by and the dating clique will move right along with it, fluctuating only as people get married, divorced, date and dumped.  Always coming back to the flock like pigeons to a homing beacon.  Keep in mind that this is Dallas, Texas, a large metropolis with plenty of dating options. I suspect it the same in New York City ,Chicago, Miami etc where the dating options are even more expansive.

Any explanations out there?  Is a certain level of insecurity to step outside our comfort zone and into the rejection zone simply part of the human condition?

Copyright 2010

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As many who follow my blog and twitter stream know, I have a small non-speaking, but visible role in the 1st episode of the new ABC series, “The Deep End”.  It airs January 21, 2010.  The Deep End revolves around the lives of 4 fictional lawyers working for a fictional prestigious Los Angeles law firm.( I feel compelled to keep stressing the word “fictional” so as not to confuse naive young Big-Law lawyers on who their “real” competition is in the “real” world).

I was on-set for two 10 hour  days to film a 30 second scene in an elevator.  Frankly, the process gave me an entirely new context and respect for the incredibly long hours on the part of both actors and crew that go into the making of a television series.  Everyone from producer Gary A. Brown, to the production crew, to stars Billy Zane, Matt Long and Nicole Ari-Parker were incredibly nice and respectful to myself and the other come and goer extras(at least within my zone of perception).

Being an attorney, and in tune with other attorneys in the social media universe, I have heard much criticism from the legal profession that The Deep End is out of whack with the realities of practicing law and misrepresents the life of the hard working, mega- billing,  young Big-Law associates. I am not here to dispute that.  It may be. I really don’t care. (Young attorneys must not have affairs, stab each other in the back or get laid with co-workers  in real-life Big-Law)-yea right..

I never heard anyone on set claim that they were making a reality show.  It is meant to entertain.  Either you are or you are not.  When I watch the premier episode, the 1st thing I will worry about is whether I look bald and fat in front of millions of people. The next thing will be whether the show is entertaining enough to watch Episode 2.

I suspect that ABC is going for a broader audience than pissed off Big-Law lawyers who feel that the their sense of morality, integrity and work ethic along with the legal profession as a whole are being irreparably maligned by this clearly socially significant piece of entertainment television that has the capacity to change how we view the legal profession moving into the new decade.

Are any of my fellow barristers really losing sleep over this supposedly horrendous portrayal of unethical Mack-Daddy associates and horny law partners? (there may be some worried that their wives will lose sleep over it)

Apparently the down economy for Big-Law attorneys has the young “legal-fete” outraged that ABC would have the audacity to portray things so “LA-Kissy Porsche” as the type of antics going on at this firm.  If you doubt that,  behold the following real-life twitter exchange I had with an young attorney would could not believe I would associate myself with such an out -of-whack portrayal of Big-Law firm life.

Me:  Excited to interview Gary Brown, the producer of The new ABC series “The Deep End, look for it on my site next week..(he was gracious enough agree to be interviewed for this site)

Outraged Young Lawyer:   Why!?!

Me:  Why What?

Outraged Young Lawyer: “giving that show the time of day? I know that you’re not directly promoting it, but you’re giving it attention…

Me: “Who are you, my mother? Don’t Watch…”

Outraged Young Lawyer:  many of us new graduates feel that these type of shows portray an unrealistic view of the legal profession. Esp. In this market.

Me:   “Its no wonder lawyers are out of work if they are stupid enough to equate a television series with real life practice”

Me:  “any attorney who uses The Deep End as a yardstick for the practice of law had no business being a lawyer”

Outraged Young Lawyer:  “look, there’s no need to play internet tuff guy. I’m just some random dude on the internet that responded to your post. That’s all.”(I can get that way)

Me:” some advice-worry about getting real clients talking to real lawyers instead is stressing over fake ones in a television series”

Outraged Young Lawyer :  “don’t worry about me. I will be okay. I’m just speaking out for those losing their jobs left and right. It’s frustrating”

Me: “worrying about a television series wont pay their rent either-just ridiculous..”

Moral Of Story:  Regardless of whether you are entertained with  the premise of the show; if you are a real attorney and anything Outraged Young Attorney said made sense, you may have gone off “The Deep End”.(except the part about me being an internet-bully. That is true)

Enjoy the show or don’t enjoy the show.  Just don’t tweet me that I look fat and bald.  If you do, I may go off The Deep End…