I have seen Burck in his guitar playing “nakedness”.  There is always a crowd around him.  Some get their photos taken, get serenaded, gawk at his physique, even get married.  I have always drifted to the other side of the street. Even letting my eyes fix for a millisecond would be the equivalent of a trip to a male strip club and possibly necessitate years of counseling about my sexual inadequacies.  That being said, I rarely see any guys getting their photo taken with him.

Until this day however, I had no idea that there was also a Naked Cowgirl who, for the last 30 years, has been pandering her wares and “talent” in NYC in much the same manner as the Cowboy.  Apparently in too much the same manner as she has allegedly been accused of trademark infringement by Burck.

According to a cease-and-desist order Kane received from Burck, the Cowgirl’s name and act infringes upon the Naked Cowboy trademark.  Burck is asking Kane to pay him $5,000 per year or $500 per month to use the trademark as part of a franchise agreement.

I don’t know how the legal battle will resolve but I support the right of anyone to get naked in Times Square with or without guitar.  That’s the naked truth!

The bizarre exchange occurred in Nutting’s office after the Pirates executed a series of questionable trades and player sales in a  roto rooter roster purge ending in the unloading almost all of their starting lineup in exchange for cash and a collection of unknowns who have failed to produce squat in 2010.  The Pirates in fact, appear to be on-track for the worst season in team history.  The  moves prompted the front page headline “WHO THE HELL ARE THESE GUYS” in the local Pittsburgh newspaper.  The following a a transcript of the recorded conversation.

Nutting: Come on in Neal, have a seat.

Huntington: I’m glad you called me in. I’m still unclear on a couple things about our team direction.

Nutting: Oh, really  Like what?

Huntington: We have traded away practically every decent player we have.  This will be the worst Pirates team ever and that’s saying something after 17 consecutive losing seasons.  I think Russell is going to quit and start selling Goodyears.  Who will manage the Pirates moving forward if he does.

Nutting: I was thinking of the Dos Equis Man. He will fit in quite well with our team concept.

Huntington: What exactly is our team concept?

Nutting: That’s what I wanted to talk to you about. I want to put together a team that will help us relocate to Cuba

Huntington: Cuba?  Your joking.

Nutting: I’m serious about this Neal.  It’s no secret I’ve never liked Pittsburgh much. The weathers lousy, the downtown is a pit, the stadium’s too small,we cant draw dick and no one is reading my crappy newspapers. Another 2 years of this and I may need to start feeding  Ogden real dog food.

Huntington: You can’t just up and move a team on a whim!

Nutting: It’s hardly a whim.  Fidel has offered to build us a new stadium — 62,000   capacity, 45 V.I.P. boxes, and all rent to be subsided through sugar cane sales. No other franchise in baseball can match that deal.

Nutting: Whats more, Fidel has taken a liking to the Dos Equis Man.   Fidel personally told me he finds him incredibly interesting. Whats more, he looks like him.  He likes the commercials and thinks of him as the son he always wanted .  There is also a national Cuban Tequila brand rolling out that will provide some good marketing perks . I plan offering Mr. Equis a long term contract to replace Russell.  Fidel will be the starting 1st baseman in Spring Training. The job’s his to lose.

Huntington: You cant be serious!

Nutting: I’m not serious, my name is Robert, whats wrong with you….

Nutting: Whats more, we will be given the option of signing player development contracts with the parents of all promising Cuban prospects. We will have exclusive negotiating rights starting at 7 years old as well as their real birth certificates. We will corner the Cuban baseball talent market!

Huntington: Even so, the League and the City will never let us  leave Pittsburgh.  There is a lease and laws we have to deal with.

Nutting: I have that all figured out!   During the next off-season  I will  have us scheduled for an exhibition game in Cuba.   While we are in Cuba, under my authority as owner and in the best interests of baseball I will undertake a mass defection of the entire team.   The bottom line is that if we play bad enough no one will care if we defect and the players will love the sunny climate.

Huntington: You mean you want us to lose?

Nutting:  We’ve been losing.  I want us to finish dead last and set an all time loss record.  Speaking of which, I heard Mario Mendoza is making a comeback, offer him a 3 year deal and a free AARP membership.

Huntington: You are out of your mind!

Nutting: Well I still think print media is viable if that’s what you mean.

MORE TO FOLLOW!

©2010 Brian Cuban

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It is a magazine of gadgets, oddities, collectible and future garage sale items that are supposed to make our lives easier, more enjoyable or simply give you an excuse to open up an EBay account.  When do we reach the reach the upper limits of our 3o Thousand feet boredom and finally read Skymall cover to cover?  Here are a few reasons:

When you are stuck on a flight with no Wi-Fi;

When you have read American Way Magazine cover to cover, and are upset that someone else has done the crossword puzzle and you failed the MENSA quiz;

When you have mooched and read the US Magazine, USA today and Better Homes and Gardens from the passenger in the seat next to you;

When the baby next to you is screaming uncontrollably and you need a distraction with the only things left to read being the barf bag and the card that reminds you of what won’t save your life if your plane goes down.

When you have done all of the above you finally pull Skymall out of the seat-back pocket.

The effect of Skymall magazine on the enjoyability of a flight is not to be taken lightly.  Have my fellow frequent-flyers not also experienced that  irritated knot in the stomach and let out an exasperated sigh when you excitedly pull out the Skymall mag and see that it is the same issue that you read on the last flight?  How many times can we look at a Rosetta Stone ad and try to convince ourselves that it would be useful to learn Pashto?

I have on many a flight gone through every item in the magazine analyzing its  cost-benefit to society and simply wondering who would be stupid enough to actually buy a Indoor Dog Restroom.   Is there really an impulse buy at 30k feet?

On a recent flight I was  excited to see that there was a new edition of Skymall.   With Father’s Day right around the corner what better place to start than Skymall and its 240 plus pages of very cool to very weird gadgets and gifts for the traveler who has everything and the gift recipient who will say thanks but will really be thinking WTF!

Here are my top 10 WTF Skymall gifts:

The Underwater Cell Phone System(1,790.00)  It advertises as follows:

With the Alpha UWCP, talk with someone 15,000 miles away while diving a tropical reef or in your pool! This complete and sophisticated communication diving system can do it.

I still can not figure this out.  Is this in case you get drunk and go overboard on a cruise ship?  What’s more, do you really need an underwater phone to make a call from your swimming pool? Spend 50 bucks on a waterproof case instead!  Maybe this is a big seller in the treasure hunter profession.  At almost $1800.00 we may not see this  in many garage sales but I have no doubt one will turn up inside a shark one day.

Toppik Hair Building Fibers Being follically challenged and having often thought of coughing up the big bucks for the Bosley Clinic, this item caught my attention. I frankly thought that this stuff went the way of the “As Seen On TV” Ronco Veg-o-matic and Ginsu knives. It advertises:

Many A-list celebrities use Toppik to enhance their image, on screen and off. Hollywood stars trust Toppik. It’s undetectable, even in close ups and stays on through wind, rain and perspiration.

Even more interesting to me than whether it works are these mysterious “A-List” celebs.  I want to know what celebrities will admit to spray painting their heads.  TMZ should get on this immediately.   Conspicuously missing was a disclaimer that Toppic should not be used by people who are color-blind.  I smell a lawsuit…

Old Yankee Stadium Seat. (799.00) A used seat from the old Yankee Stadium.  Unless Babe Ruth or some other Yankee legend sat in it or autographed it, this is a WTF item.   It is however is certainly more reasonable than a seat a the new Yankee Stadium. My advice is to pay the  799.00 for this seat, put it in front of your big screen and MLB package. You can then laugh at the suckers who coughed up tens of thousands of dollars to sit in something that they will be able to buy for about 800.00 in the 2040 Skymall Holiday edition.

Remote Controlled Tarantula. Any adult that buys this for himself has repressed violent tendencies.   If he is buying it for his kid, what message is this supposed to send?  Terrorize your fellow children with big disgusting bugs? Nice. I am so weirded out by spiders that just picture of this gives me the willies.  This faux spider would not last five minutes in my house.  Survival reflex would take over and it would be squashed into 1000  bits of circuits and switches

Oil Extractor(69.95) They advertise this like it is the common thing to do to crawl under your own car and change your own oil.  The ad states:

“This is How Mercedes Factory trained techs change oil”

Well isn’t that why we don’t crawl under our own cars and let them do it ?

The  King Tutankhamens Egyptian Throne Chair(895.00)

Our artists capture every detail when they recreated this attention-demanding, full-size replica throne from King Tut’s 3,500-year-old museum original in Cairo. This substantial designer resin work of furniture art is exquisitely hand-painted in the rich palette of Egypt and features real gold leaf.

Maybe this is the impulse buy for the Trans-Atlantic flights that show The Ten Commandments.  So it shall be written, so it shall be done…

Basho The Sumo Wrestler (95.00).  “Basho crouches in his mawashi (Sumo belt) in these intricate sculpts with wide stances. This Toscano-exclusive heavyweight is cast in quality designer resin for display in home or garden.”

If you are looking for an easy way out of your marriage simply give Basho to your wife for Christmas or place him a center piece on the dinner table right after she has told you she feels like she needs to lose a few pounds…  On the other hand, I only glanced at him for a second and immediately renewed my gym membership. At 95 bucks it beats the hell out of lipo.

Star Trek Captains Chair (2717.01)  “Never before offered to fans, this officially licensed replica features a working swivel design, light-up controls and sound effects from the legendary Star Trek series.  Constructed using expert measurements and the highest quality durable materials, don’t miss your chance to command your own Starfleet vessel from the safety of your home!”

I am admittedly a Trekkie but a faux chair that was never even “Enterprise Used”?  I would rather offer the 2700 bucks to William Shatner or Patrick Stewart to hang out with me for the night.

Electronic Listening Device. (59.95)  “Powerful enough to capture distant sounds from 300 feet away. Zoom in and see what you’re hearing. Sounds and images impossible for the human ears and eyes to pick up now seem as if you’re only a couple of feet away. This secret surveillance device is perfect for when you really need to know what’s going on.”

The perfect gift for the soon to be divorcing couple so they can spy on each other.   If your spouse or significant other suddenly turns up with this gadget  and tells you it is to pick up “bird sounds”  you should be suspicious.  Do you really want to be with someone who  has those kind of  voyeuristic tendencies?  This would be a much bigger seller as a “his and hers” so you can spy on each other.

Last but not least.  Are you still wondering who would be stupid enough to buy the Indoor Dog Restroom?   Wonder no more.  It was me.  Yes I was suckered into the Skymall impulse world of future garage sale items.  Was my dog happy to do her business on her new AstroTurf?  The answer was yes but it was not the business I expected.

What they don’t tell you is that for this to work you have to have your dog piss in a cup and pour it on the turf so she gets the scent.   I dutifully  followed the instructions. I poured her “business” on the fake grass.  My dog  walked right over to it, looked up at me and took a dump on the AstroTurf.  I am still trying to fumigate my apartment.  WTF!!

To top it off, this morning I woke up sitting naked in an seat in an empty American Airlines Center screaming “FREE RODDY B!”

After posting bail, I rushed home to see if I could self diagnose the mysterious symptoms that have overtaken my body.

I did an exhaustive Google search. I  researched medical journals. I even scheduled an emergency visit with a sports fan psychologist.  Much to my relief, I finally found the answer in an obscure article entitled “Sports Fanatic Psychosis, Diagnosis and Treatment“.  The article was put out by the South End Of The Island Of Grenada School Of Medicine. I am suffering from “Season Over Syndrome“(SOS). It turns out there are seven stages of “SOS”.

1.  SHOCK AND DENIAL

This feeling is generally manifested in a  heightened awareness of situations and individuals that will be left behind after the season is over.  You find yourself with overwhelming feelings of sorrow and sympathy for players making millions of dollars per year who are already sitting on desert islands sipping Cuba Libre drinks, banging hot women and partying with the Dos Equis Man as they live vicariously through themselves.

2. PAIN AND GUILT

As your body goes through the withdrawal of countless nights of playoff drinking and debauchery, you suddenly realize that your condo has not been cleaned in weeks. Your  unwashed laundry stinks.  Your girlfriend has left you.  You can no longer see your feet or your “Johnson” from drinking and eating so much.  The fat slob in the mirror overwhelms you with pain and guilt.  The rest does not bother you that much.  That’s what maids and strip clubs are for.

3.  ANGER

Your guilt turns to increasing anger as you realize that you look like shit, your baseball team sucks, football is months away and your your now eliminated NBA team wont have a 1st round draft pick because they traded it for a Slobovian point guard named Meloosh.

4.  DEPRESSION AND LONELINESS

Just as all your friends think you are over the disappointment and ready to move on, you become very reflective of the season that was.  You begin inviting your friends over to show them your new Tops Basketball Card Collection and  watch endless reruns of movies like Hoosiers, The Fish That Save Pittsburgh, Celtic Pride, Like Mike, And Space Jam.  After one night of this, your friends begin discussing an SOS intervention behind your back.

5.  FEELING BETTER

You start to adjust to a boring summer without the benefit of good tickets to playoff games to pick up hot women. That’s ok though because the night club scene is improving.  Out of contention and out of work NBA players, groupies and douchebag wannabes converge on the club scene  with guns, entourage and gangsta attitude in tow.  “Celebrity Beatdowns“  are a weekly nightclub event.  They help wean you off the Jerry Springer and TMZ addictions that are  symptoms of SOS.

6.  RECONSTRUCTION AND REDEMPTION

November is rapidly approaching. Time to get your body back shape for the long grueling season. Pre-game happy hours, post game happy hours, post game private parties.  An intense heckling regime to be rehearsed.  Have to look good for the Jumbotron or any impromptu national television appearances.  The gym is now your best friend. Your team is not looking good for the new year so you have to be looking extra buff.  It’s exponentially harder to pick up chicks after a loss. You think Meelosh will be a bust.

7. ACCEPTANCE AND HOPE

As opening day gets closer, the trash talk of a new season begins. You once again begin to feel the hope of a the promised NBA title  despite a bunch of crappy mid-level exception signings, no bench and Meelosh as your starting center.

You will once again experience the joy of basketball, women and making a complete drunken idiot out of yourself all in the name of basketball fandom.  If the team wins you might even get laid this year.  Meelosh is coming around. Life is good.

I purchased a new set of headphones at Best Buy. Mine died of natural causes. I am one of those people that cannot work out unless I am listening to something so it was imperative that I got a new set before my next workout. I thought I had it planned out perfectly. I would buy the headphones, run home, get my gym stuff and be ready to rock and roll!

I found a cool pair that I liked. I got them home. Everything was going as planned. I guess I never really noticed or thought about the fact that they were enclosed in this big thick plastic case. The kind that need to be opened with a phaser or a Jedi light saber. No big deal. I would just get the scissors out and I am ready to go. There were no scissors to be found.

So here we go… I ripped it with my hands, stomped it with my feet, tore it with my teeth, fed it to my dog, fed it to my cat, stabbed it, jabbed it, prayed over it and cursed it. It just smiled back at me laughing, still snugly encased in its plastic kryptonite home. Where is Superman when you need him? Finally in a fit of rage, I took a knife and wildly stabbed at. I completely missed it and impaled my hand. I screamed loudly and throw the package across the room. I heard my cat scream. I looked over and it had sliced off the end of her tail.

After I bandaged my hand, I picked up the cat and the headphones and headed for the vet. On the way to the vet I look at the headphones and they were still in their plastic case laughing at me. I decided that I would have the last laugh and tossed them onto the highway to face a gruesome end by tire squash.

I got my cats tail re-attached. I got my hand stitched and headed home. I was stopped at a red light and out of the corner of my eye I saw a homeless guy wearing my headphones and petting his cat. He was obviously smarter that I was!

I missed my workout.

Question to ponder? What is the point of these “kryptonite cases”? Medieval Chastity Belts were probably easier to break into. Somebody please tell me who invented it so I can send him or her my vet bill.

©2009 Brian Cuban

I decided to post a Facebook update.  It was short and simple:

“Brian Is Twittering And Facebooking At 30 Thousand Feet”

A short and simple statement of my current status. I expected to receive comments of the ilk of “ that’s cool!” or “how are you doing that‘” or “are you on Mark’s plane“?

After I had finished Twittering I checked the Facebook comments. All hell had broken loose!  Name calling, threats, disparaging of the flight attendant profession and the passengers who utilize commercial air flight.

Read it and weep, laugh or sneer. I am giving you an abridged version having removed the expected innocuous comment such as “thats cool”,”how are you doing that” and “are you on Mark’s plane?” Other than that it is unedited.

The names have also been changed to protect the over-sensitive, the insensitive and the stellar reputation of American Airlines flight attendants around the world.

Actually, I just don’t want to find a booger in my food on my next AA flight.

Here is the comment string. It can be difficult to follow but is entertaining if you can. I have added commentary where necessary to provide context.

Disgruntled American Airlines Flight Attendant:

Hey, that electronic device is supposed to be turned off right now (Referring to me using an electronic device in-flight to Twitter and Facebook)”

Humorous Hudson Guy:

“Captain Sully would NOT be proud!!!”

Disgruntled American Airlines Flight Attendant:

“Nobody listens to us…you saw my post about the guy from Newark with his life vest on backward….”

American Airlines Frequent Flier:

“I’m guessing Cuban Air“(He was right)

Disgruntled American Airlines Flight Attendant:

“Uh…who do you think???? The only one right Brian????”(She was part right. I flew out on American but flew back with Mark on his plane)

Disgruntled American Airlines Flight Attendant:

” Oh sorry, not Newark,the Hudson(apparently referring to “Miracle On The Hudson” passengers) Whatever..it’s all the same, same airspace, same people, same everything row 3-6…same people who have no respect for authority…so different from 20 yrs ago…everyone wants to be their own pilot…no one likes the idea that they are not in control of their situation…get over it!!!! as you will sooooooo learn in the next 4 years!!!!”(Does she know something we don’t?)

Southwest Airlines Frequent Flier Enters The Fray:

“Whewww someone needs a xanax! Southwest now has in-flight free wi-fi… guess you didn’t get the memo!”

Disgruntled American Airlines Flight Attendant Fights Back:

“American was first with wi-fi…and if he’s on a 767…he’s got it on American…walk in my shoes of 29 years before you talk about Xanax…

You are probably one of those people that we wish we could drop it in their free diet coke..which isn’t free on a whole lot of airlines these days…believe me…your free coke has cost me plenty in the last 8 years…

Southwest Airlines Frequent Flier Gets Jiggy:

“Then quit. Get over it. I travel for a living too. It’s not a crisis. Chill out!”

Innocent Bystander Signals End Of Round, Sends Combatants To Their Corners:

“Ding! Ding! Ding! ….. Now this commercial airline wi-fi discussion can end.”

Disgruntled American Airlines Flight Attendant Tells It Like It Is:

” Who says I want to quit?? I love my job and I’m good at it, evidenced by weekly compliment letters..

“If you were truly a “seasoned traveler” we wouldn’t be having this debate..and yes it is a crisis. And our frequent flyers are quite aware of the problems…you, on the other hand are totally clueless.”

“I bet you think it’s okay for your cheap ticket coach passenger butt to interrupt first class service so you can use the first class lav.. and you don’t want to pay that extra $25. on top of your 125. ticket (which the platinum passenger next to you just paid 625  for.. so you bring it all on, even though you have no clue how to stow it, as our premium customers who know how and deserve the privilege of…”(Now you know what the First Class Flight Attendant Thinks Of You And Your Cut Rate First Class Ticket)

“I defend my premium passengers to the last second… They follow the rules, they turn off their damn phone before takeoff because they know it might be their own ass they are saving. It is the ignorant…or as we call them “the hillbillies”(that would be me) who don’t have a clue, that cause all the trouble.

“You started this hateful exchange over what??? a funny comment I made regarding electronic devices inflight….certainly nothing to debate about..which means you must have a bone to pick…or a jealous one maybe..women laughing”

Southwest Airlines Frequent Flier Throws A Left Hook Upper Cut Combination:

“ALL OF MY FRIENDS are laughing at you right now because you seriously have no clue who you’re arguing with, Ms. Disgruntled Flight Attendant.”

“I fly 3-4 times a week, every week. Your attitude is entertaining. Thanks for the service, for pouring my drinks, and the seat belt demo. You’re awesome. Now have a good night before you make even more of a fool out of yourself”

American Frequent Flier Chimes In:

” Cell phone use does not interrupt with any of the aircraft systems. The only reason valid reason they are banned is a few hundred people on cell phones would not hear an emergency announcement over the aircraft PA system.   FYI I am one of your(American’s) premium customers.”

Irrelevant Comment Troll Wants To Get High:

“I would pay extra for someone to drop a Xanax in the diet coke”

Disgruntled American Attendant Bites Nose Off Southwest Frequent Flier With Veiled Threats:

“That is part of the issue, but yes, the radar screen has gone blank before…due to cell phone transmission…or maybe that whole video thing at training was a lie so we would have a reason to be “mean” to you…..the main thing is…it isn’t your call!!!  Nor mine for that matter! Its a regulation and you don’t have a vote in it but are expected to honor. I didn’t make the regulation but could be personally fined for not enforcing it. Believe me, most of FAA rules are just plain stupid to me, but…it’s not my right to decide which I like and which I don’t.”

“All I did was make a funny comment about phone use in flight and YOU are the one that made it a big deal…as I said, if you truly were a frequent flier this never would have started…you clearly have issues with airline workers or authority or something….sorry they didn’t hire you…” “and I’m not too concerned about “all of your friends” but, I will make a note of your name, should you ever have the privilege of flying on American…my “friends” and I will make sure your trip is everything you deserve”(Was that a threat?)

Disgruntled  American Flight Attendant Leaves The Ring and Goes After Me (I admitted that on the way out on American I got up to get my computer before the fasten seat belt light was turned off)

“Yea you did(show a disregard for authority) Brian,(me) how fast would you have sued had you been thrown to the ceiling while you were up? My fa friend who didn’t get to her jumpseat soon enough after the capt said prepare for landing…took a lawyer to get AA to pay for her surgeries and 6 months absence…she wasn’t in her seat within the prescribed 3-5 minutes because passengers weren’t complying with prepare for landing requirements..”

Irrelevant Comment Troll Still Wants To Get High:

“No more sprite? what is this world coming to? now i am clearly the poor, inexperienced, uneducated and disgruntled. Can i get a double shot of Xanax?  I’m not sure it’s worth flying anymore.”

American Frequent Flier Drops A Bombshell:

“In the continuation of my role as resident Voice of Reason, I would like to caution you (disgruntled American flight attendant) against making what appears to be veiled threats against one of your potential passengers. While I haven’t researched the issue, I’m pretty sure the FAA would frown upon that as well. I assume that acting on such threats would result in a pretty hefty fine.”(I don’t know if the FAA would frown but I suspect her employer American certainly would)

Disgruntled American Flight Attendant Reaffirms Her Dedication To Her Job And To American Airlines Passengers Then Goes On Extended Rant:

“If you don’t feel obligated to observe rules designed for your safety, why should I care if you survive??? (WOW!! Did she just say that?)

“Truly, if they don’t turn off their headphone during takeoff or landing, I don’t say a thing..I might get fined, but hey,,,if they don’t want to protect themselves…maybe they’ll be lucky enough to get their pic in the paper wearing their lifevest backward, or some other dumbass situation.”

“So far from the voice of reason are you…please feel free to forward my comments or ‘threats’ to the FAA…all I said is we would be pleased to treat you as you so expect and deserved to be treated”

“All the FAA cares about is whether or not I told you’re non compliant self to sit down when the Seatbelt sign is on and turn off your cellphone for takeoff and landing…they could care less if you get a sprite or a coke…actually they would prefer we offer no service at all”

“And you can’t have your dog in the seat next to you because its another one of those stupid rules to protect the majority..unless it is a service animal, which I have seen all sorts…including a goose for a lady that couldn’t turn her neck.”

“Oh and the case of the lady who went berserk when she saw a pax had her cat in her lap…she supposedly was allergic and went into full-blown reaction, requiring oxygen, medical assistance, etc…guess who got blamed! The FAA who didn’t make the cat owner keep her cat in the bag”.(Lesson to all-NEVER let the cat out of the bag)

Innocent Bystander Tells Disgruntled American Flight Attendant She Is A Troll And To Shut The F**K Up!

“I never said you were making threats to me. I never said anything about Coke or Sprite or any other beverage. My comment was in reference to your post directed at another person who commented on Brian’s status.

Evidently, you are quite passionate about your job and take it very seriously and kudos to you for that! But it seems as though you also take YOURSELF a little too seriously.

Or, you’re just trolling…. And for the record, you will never have a chance to “make sure [my] trip is totally all [I] expect it to be” as I stopped flying AA years ago, mainly due to in-flight service related issues. And, yes, I observe the in-flight rules and regulations. While I am sure you are chomping at the bit (or foaming at the mouth) to call me a classless hillbilly, I assure you that none of the infractions that you’ve mentioned so far are applicable to me. ( I am actually the classless hillbilly since I got up when I should not have)

AA Frequent Flier Wants Blood!

” I sent all of her(Disgruntled American Flight Attendant’s) comments to Mr. Arpey at AA.” (She should be more worried about that than the FAA)

Disgruntled American Airlines Flight Attendant Develops Short Term Amnesia Forgetting Her Previous Rants:

“what is this…why so much animosity toward a person doing their job? what is it that makes one want to lash out at someone else? I have yet to yell at a grocery clerk about the price of milk or the dr’s receptionist for the price of an office visit?? It’s the same idea…and the whole thing started over a “Facebook” type joke about using a cellphone in flight…this is even more stupid than the breastfeeding in public discussion…

“What is so ironic about it this is that I am one of the easiest going people you would ever meet, and go above and beyond to make my passengers comfortable despite the limited resources”

“I have to work with these days…and yet I still feel I the need to defend myself against uncalled for defamatory treatment of my profession”.

It was getting ugly on “Planet Facebook”.   Much safer to be Twittering At 30 Thousand Feet.

In all the hubbub about Cougars and this declining economy I began to wonder to myself. What ever happened to the good old fashioned Gold Digger?  Are they shrinking in numbers?   The number of available millionaires has declined rapidly in this economic free-fall.  Did the fall of Bernie Madoff put them all out of business?   They are even forming support groups now. Former Hedge-Fund  and trust fund girlfriends trying to predict the next “Gold Digger Bubble”.   I heard that the Gold Diggers Association of America(GAA) had applied for federal bailout funds.

What has happened to the good old  20-30 year old hot bodied secretary by day, stripper by night, sharing an apartment with 4 roomies, three rented dresses and looking for all the sweetness and viagra us 45-65 year old sugar-daddies have to offer.   My home of Dallas, Texas was once the gold-digging capital of the world but now seems to have shifted to the big games of Cougars. I thought all was lost until I read this article(pdf) in Glamour Magazine.

The article is about this lady name Jennifer Binder. She is talking about her thoughts and experiences in having dated the multi-millionaire “ultimate big shot”, disgraced former Enron big wig, Jeff Skilling, who has been convicted of numerous crimes related to the Enron collapse and is currently serving a federal 24-year, 4-month prison sentence. As I read the article, it occurred to me that this Binder lady was really Ashley Dupre and Eliot Spitzer five years removed. I am not saying that Jennifer was a “call girl” in the literal sense of the word. She appears to be educated and fairly successful in her own right. That however does not disqualify her from gold-digger status.   If you could read between the lines what your really had was “The Goldigger’s Guide To The Galaxy”

I have been able to successfully decipher the galactic meaning of this article.  I am going to translate it for everyone by outlining what she says and giving my “take” as to the universal meaning for all “GDITs” (Gold Diggers In Training). Here are her quotes from the article and what she was really saying after applying my Star Trek Universal Translator:

Binder: “Jeff did indeed fly me to England for our first date; later he bought me jewelry and even helped with the down-payment on my house”

Galactic Translation: I am a professional gold-digger. I have no other means of support. I would not even look at you twice unless you had a “Gulfstream” waiting to whisk me off to an exotic location that went over one ocean or the other before we landed.

Binder: “that (the money) really blinded me to the age difference…”

Galactic Translation: Unlike Cougars, professional Gold Diggers have no age requirements. If you are 90 years old and still breathing, I’m all yours if that Gulfstream is fueled and ready. If you’re a trust fund baby, I will “babysit” you until you are old enough to appreciate Cougars.

Binder: “Greed is not good for a relationship”

Galactic Translation: Lots of money will kill a relationship if you no longer have it.

Binder: “If it seems like has something to hide, he has something to hide”

Galactic Translation: If you pay for my condo; seed my bank account; buy my Lexus and fly me to London every week for dinner, I don’t care if you are a ponzi king, hiding eight ex-wives, five illegitimate children, and are a registered sex offender.

Binder: “When friends don’t have anything nice to say about your boyfriend, listen”

Galactic Translation: If he is doing all of the above, WHO NEED FRIENDS!

Binder: “You really can learn from every experience”

Galactic Translation: When you have your next billionaire ‘”mark” in your sites, and he is about to be indicted for anything or pass away from old age, get as many assets as possible including the jet, transferred to your name before he goes to jail or dies.

There you have it. There is no longer any need to take Dramamine every night to combat pole swinging motion sickness. Follow the simple rules above and the world of rich geezers, Ponzi Kings  and insider trading felons is yours for the taking.

©2009 Brian Cuban

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I don’t heart Hamas but do enjoy the humor of Jennifer Jajeh in her wildly poplar one-person show “I Heart Hamas: And Other Things I am Afraid To Tell You”.

Join me February 9th at 4pm(CT) for the 1st Revolution Rant Broadcast of 2010. Simply point your web-browser to:

http://www.briancuban.com/cuban-live/

Jennifer will be talking about her show and what it really means to “Heart Hamas“.  I took a lot of heat for scheduling Jennifer, being called a “Self-Hating Jew, Hamas sympathizer and a “Bad Jew” That tells me this will be a controversial great show!  Let talk to Jennifer about her show and the line between artistic and political expression.

Here is a little bit about Jennifer and her show, I Heart Hamas”

Jennifer Jajeh is a San Francisco based artist. As an actor, she has appeared in numerous film, television, commercial and theatre productions.  She received her actor’s training at the Lee Strasberg Theatre Conservatory in NYC and the American Conservatory Theatre in SF.

In addition to her work as an actor, she has produced and directed award winning independent film and video projects. Her two short films, “In My Own Skin” and “Fruition”, have screened nationally and internationally in film festivals, museums, art galleries and universities. Jennifer is currently documenting a year in the life of an actor and all the ridiculousness involved in pursuing an acting career in her blog called thefamegame.

With the current ongoing conflicts in the Middle East, the threat of global terrorism, and the never-ending negotiations and hostilities between Israelis and Palestinians, it’s hard not to feel overwhelmed by all of the bad international news.

That’s exactly how Jennifer Jajeh feels. And to make matters worse, Jennifer is Palestinian. Well, Palestinian American. Or more precisely: a single, Christian, first generation, Palestinian American woman who chooses to return to her parents’ hometown of Ramallah at the start of the Second Intifada.

Join her on American and Palestinian soil on auditions, bad dates, and across military checkpoints as she navigates the thorny terrain around Palestinian identity. Weaving together humor, slides, pop culture references and live theater, Jajeh explores how she becomes Palestinian-ized, then politicized and eventually radicalized in a fresh, often funny, searingly honest way.

“I Heart Hamas: And Other Things I’m Afraid To Tell You”, recognized by NYTheatre.com as “a fascinating look into a world we don’t often see or hear about,” made its world premiere in 2008 as a part of New York’s International Fringe Festival. Following strong media praise and audience reception, the play made its San Francisco debut on September 17, 2009 as a co-production with Off-Market Theatres.  Jennifer has recently announced that her show will be taking on the road to Minneapolis, Minnesota.

As we were chit-chatting and enjoying the visual entertainment, a guy I know entered and walked up to the bar.  He was one of those guys or girls who over the years, you see repeatedly as you and your fixed clique of single, once single and single again acquaintances move through life in a often fluctuating but never really changing mate and date scene.

He was a very good looking guy that always had a very good looking women on his arm.  They however,  always seemed to be the same women.  Not the same in re-hooking up with a previous flame.  The same in that he always seemed to be with a women from the same rotating fixed menu choices that I have seen out on the Dallas scene for the last 10 years.

That night was no exception. In lockstep behind him was  a very attractive women who had also been part of the Dallas “out and about” scene for the last 10 years and had dated nine other guys I know.  I turned to my girlfriend and said:

“That makes perfect sense that they are together”

She inquired as to why.  “Because they are both into group sex”

She was flabbergasted and immediately suspicious.   “How would you know they are into group sex!!”

“Because they run in a group that no matter how many years go by, at one point or another, everyone in the group has dated or slept with everyone else in the group.  Group Sex!!

About three months later I saw the same guy again at a Dallas Mavericks game.  He was with, you guessed it, another group sex girl!

What is it about this “group sex” phenomenon.  Ten or Fifteen years will go by and the dating clique will move right along with it, fluctuating only as people get married, divorced, date and dumped.  Always coming back to the flock like pigeons to a homing beacon.  Keep in mind that this is Dallas, Texas, a large metropolis with plenty of dating options. I suspect it the same in New York City ,Chicago, Miami etc where the dating options are even more expansive.

Any explanations out there?  Is a certain level of insecurity to step outside our comfort zone and into the rejection zone simply part of the human condition?

Copyright 2010

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I was on-set for two 10 hour  days to film a 30 second scene in an elevator.  Frankly, the process gave me an entirely new context and respect for the incredibly long hours on the part of both actors and crew that go into the making of a television series.  Everyone from producer Gary A. Brown, to the production crew, to stars Billy Zane, Matt Long and Nicole Ari-Parker were incredibly nice and respectful to myself and the other come and goer extras(at least within my zone of perception).

Being an attorney, and in tune with other attorneys in the social media universe, I have heard much criticism from the legal profession that The Deep End is out of whack with the realities of practicing law and misrepresents the life of the hard working, mega- billing,  young Big-Law associates. I am not here to dispute that.  It may be. I really don’t care. (Young attorneys must not have affairs, stab each other in the back or get laid with co-workers  in real-life Big-Law)-yea right..

I never heard anyone on set claim that they were making a reality show.  It is meant to entertain.  Either you are or you are not.  When I watch the premier episode, the 1st thing I will worry about is whether I look bald and fat in front of millions of people. The next thing will be whether the show is entertaining enough to watch Episode 2.

I suspect that ABC is going for a broader audience than pissed off Big-Law lawyers who feel that the their sense of morality, integrity and work ethic along with the legal profession as a whole are being irreparably maligned by this clearly socially significant piece of entertainment television that has the capacity to change how we view the legal profession moving into the new decade.

Are any of my fellow barristers really losing sleep over this supposedly horrendous portrayal of unethical Mack-Daddy associates and horny law partners? (there may be some worried that their wives will lose sleep over it)

Apparently the down economy for Big-Law attorneys has the young “legal-fete” outraged that ABC would have the audacity to portray things so “LA-Kissy Porsche” as the type of antics going on at this firm.  If you doubt that,  behold the following real-life twitter exchange I had with an young attorney would could not believe I would associate myself with such an out -of-whack portrayal of Big-Law firm life.

Me:  Excited to interview Gary Brown, the producer of The new ABC series “The Deep End, look for it on my site next week..(he was gracious enough agree to be interviewed for this site)

Outraged Young Lawyer:   Why!?!

Me:  Why What?

Outraged Young Lawyer: “giving that show the time of day? I know that you’re not directly promoting it, but you’re giving it attention…

Me: “Who are you, my mother? Don’t Watch…”

Outraged Young Lawyer:  many of us new graduates feel that these type of shows portray an unrealistic view of the legal profession. Esp. In this market.

Me:   “Its no wonder lawyers are out of work if they are stupid enough to equate a television series with real life practice”

Me:  “any attorney who uses The Deep End as a yardstick for the practice of law had no business being a lawyer”

Outraged Young Lawyer:  “look, there’s no need to play internet tuff guy. I’m just some random dude on the internet that responded to your post. That’s all.”(I can get that way)

Me:” some advice-worry about getting real clients talking to real lawyers instead is stressing over fake ones in a television series”

Outraged Young Lawyer :  “don’t worry about me. I will be okay. I’m just speaking out for those losing their jobs left and right. It’s frustrating”

Me: “worrying about a television series wont pay their rent either-just ridiculous..”

Moral Of Story:  Regardless of whether you are entertained with  the premise of the show; if you are a real attorney and anything Outraged Young Attorney said made sense, you may have gone off “The Deep End”.(except the part about me being an internet-bully. That is true)

Enjoy the show or don’t enjoy the show.  Just don’t tweet me that I look fat and bald.  If you do, I may go off The Deep End…

Shitty dates, no-show dates, cheapskate dates, text and twitter booty-calls, tweet-up hookups, late night iPhone Bumps, and relationship status updates that change faster than Lindsey Lohan’s religion and sexual orientation.  People hook-up and break-up without putting down their iPhones or  logging off of their Twitter or Facebook account.

Doesn’t this  pretty much sum up Generation Y relationships?   For much of my Baby Boomer dating  life we did not have cell phones or internet.  I had to ask for a home number.   I took the risk of nosy parents, brothers and sisters answering the phone.  Had to be on my game from minute one.  How did the world go on without Facebook, Sexting, Texting and Twitter from our iPhone?   God forbid we should actually have to look someone in the eye when asking them out or even worse, breaking up.

Now we are not even asking for phone numbers. We are asking for Facebook pages and Twitter user names.  When we do ask for a number we do not call, we text.  We are texting and tweeting our way to love and heartbreak. We are sending “Dear John Tweets” in 140 characters or less.   We are now  Geo-Tagging to send out our drunken GoWalla or foursquare mating call to all who we deem “GPS desirable”

We casually “bump iPhones” with the hot girl or guy in a dark bar without ever saying a word.   We have mastered the art of the sexy “Iphone bump.”  Information instantaneously exchanged. Head to the bathroom to check it out.  Not interested? Delete and walk.  The shortest 2.0 relationship in history.

You would think the following text message exchange is right out of a Sex In The City episode.  It is a real life exchange between two people I tried to hook up on a blind date.  She lives in Manhattan and he is a very well known Hollywood actor.

The back story to this exchange is that Monica and Trent had been having a torrid “text and twitter  romance” but were  unsuccessful in trying to hook up for dinner.  They agreed to meet for a late coffee at Starbucks in Mid-Town.

Monica arrives on time but Trent is running late.  Monica is waiting anxiously in anticipation of their first Starbucks meet.  Trent finally texts her (some texts have been combined to save space).

(Trent)   Give me Ten Minutes

(Monica) So, I gave you 20 mins. Haven’t heard from you. Guess your not going to show, good night.

(Trent) I’m in a cab NOW heading to the financial district just tell me the cross streets.

(Monica) You are too late, going home.

(Trent) OK but lets discuss it further when I get there.

(Monica) No. I am meeting a friend for a bite. Sorry. You should have communicated better. Next time.

(Trent) I ‘m almost there, I’ll join you and u’r friend, in fact I’ll buy you both dinner:o)

(Monica) No thank you

(Trent) Great! Which restaurant are we meeting at?

(Monica) Trent, I don’t need your charity.  I need you to be on time. You missed that window and I have made other plans.  We will have to get together another time.

(Trent) I took a cab all the way down here. It cost me a fortune.  Can you recommend a nice restaurant I can have a meal at by myself?  With all due respect there will not be another time.

(Monica) You are being ridiculous. You were 45 minutes late and I made plans.  Its your own fault. Don’t take it out on me!  Plus we were supposed to meet in  your neighborhood not mine.

(Monica)  If anything you should have apologized.  I have had one hell of a day and do not deserve to be treated that  way!

(Trent)  Ur nuts. If we were going to meet in my neighborhood you would hadda traveled up here it would have taken at least a half hour,

(Trent) i was coming to u to make it easy.  now I’m walking all  the way back from wall street I’m at canal, again no disrespect , and in an apologetic tone, LOSE MY NUMBER!

(Trent)  I left my wallet at my meeting and I used all my cash for the cab

(Monica) We talked about me coming to you. I am sorry you left your wallet at the restaurant. I’m not sure how all this is my fault. Why are you being so nasty to me?

(Monica) I didn’t do anything to you. Do you need me to bring you some money?  I’m no sure what you want me to do here.

(Monica)  By the way, if you don’t have your wallet how were you planning on buying my friend and me dinner? You’re a liar and a pig

(Trent) I’m not being nasty, just straightforward.  I thought it would be better for u and considerate of me to come meet you downtown.

(Trent) Anyway, I’ve taken off my coat and tie, rolled up my suit  jacket  and am going to try to panhandle-i’m at the union sq. park. I just need to raise 2 bux for the train

(Trent) This is embarrassing.  I hope ur satisfied!

(Trent) No.  Please don’t bring any money. I’ve already gotten 30 cents-i’ll raise two bux in less than 20 minutes but thank for the gesture. )

(Monica)  Your choice.  Stay away from the crack dealers.

(Trent) I need to put the Blackberry away or else they’ll think I as at one of those giant evil banks, and they won’t pity me.-they’ll spit on me! So I can’t continue to communicate with u…..

(Trent) No hard feelings-just not meant to be.

Love found, lost, texted and tweeted  without ever dialing a digit.   The epitome of a Dating 2.0 world.  We are advertising to the entire social networking world that we are on the market in 140 characters or less.

We used to break up in restaurants so there would not be a scene.  Now we find out  we are newly single for the first time when we see our “significant other’s” Facebook relationship status suddenly set to “single and looking”  You  try to text her and her phone number has been changed.  You try to contact her on Facebook and find you are now “blocked”. You are also blocked and “un-followed” on Twitter.  A total dating 2.0 disconnect.

In my day, if you met a girl in a bar and she thought you were a  total douchebag, the  number she gave you was actually the Rejection Hotline or Dominos Pizza.(I ate a lot of pizza)

It will not be long before we will be creating our twitter networks for the sole purpose of finding a mate.  We will see tweets like ads we now see on billboard or the billboards themselves will tweet our message to the local masses.

“30k Millionaire Tweetgeek” user name bcuban seeks SATM(Single Attractive Tweet Mate).  Tweet me your vitals and lets bump Iphones!

Any takers?

©2009 Brian Cuban

*Love On Twitter Graphic compliments of Toni Gigov.

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Network executives at msnbc and CNN issued statements calling for equal Muppet time. They also questioned the propriety of a publicly funded television network such as PBS tacitly endorsing such a controversial figure as O’Reilly.

Glenn Beck, promoted his growing, “Just Say No to Spill” campaign on his Twitter page releasing the following tweet:

“While I have the utmost respect for Spill I am very disappointed that PBS has decided to go with his Muppet and not my “Big Mouth Beck”

He also released the following statement on his web site:

I proposed a “Big Mouth Beck” Muppet to “The Street” months ago. The mouth would get bigger and the rhetoric of “Big Mouth” would get more outlandish with each show. I even had an entire “chalkboard sub-plot”

When it was pointed out that most children watching Sesame Street are not old enough to comprehend his type of “rhetoric” Beck retorted:

“Like my wildly popular Fox show, “Big Mouth” will yell a lot and make no sense. All kids can identify with that.”

Conservative commentator Ann Coulter also took issue with “Spill” during a recent radio interview stating she had her own Muppet in the works and that her Muppet, “Too Cool Coulter” had already written three sure to be NY Times bestsellers.

Executives at msnbc were outraged. Keith Olbermann stated:

“We have documented a noticeable trend of Sesame Streets episodes to the right with each season since former president George Bush Jr. appeared on the show.”

When it was pointed out the former President Bush never appeared on Sesame Street and it was in fact former first Lady Laura Bush, Olbermann replied:

“That’s what the far right wants the American public to think. What we have is a far right Sesame Street conspiracy and Bush Administration cover-up far worse than 9-11. I can prove that it was really George Bush in drag.

Fringe Extremist Anti-Muslim Blogger Debbie Schlussel even chimed in stating:

“I have definitive evidence that Sesame Street is nothing more than a subversive Muslim plot to radicalize our youth turning them into young Radical Muslim sleeper cells”

She went on to say that every time Sesame Street aired, The Muppets were using secret radical indoctrination hand signs combined with an over-the-air signal being beamed into the household that could be used to activate a sleeper cell.

Schlussel promised that she would be filing a motion in Federal court to have the Sesame Street Muppets declared a national security threat and immediately taken off the air.

White spokesman Robert Gibbs called an emergency press briefing. He stated that with the Spill O’Reilly announcement, the White House no longer considered Sesame Street legitimate puppet programming for children and henceforth the Muppets would be barred from all presidential puppet shows.

Stay tuned for further developments

“It’s Better To Fake It Than To Make It” -“Trent Monica”, Dallas, Texas Hairstylist and self proclaimed  “King Of The 30KM Circuit.”

I recently had the opportunity after a Dallas Mavericks game to sit down with Trent Monica. Trent is a Dallas Hair stylist. He is also the self proclaimed “King Of The 30k Millionaires” otherwise known as the “30kM circuit”  He reluctantly agreed to be interviewed regarding his embracing of the 30km lifestyle and his secrets to success as well as his skilled technique in 30km deception.

Here is what Trent had to say regarding the mystique and myths surrounding lifestyle  loved by men and dreaded by unsuspecting women -the 30k Millionaire.

“Make no mistake,  being a successful 30KM is hard work.  You have to do your homework.  You have to create a perception that will survive beyond the 2 a.m last call”

So how you can you be the Lebron James of the  30KM maxed out credit card circuit?  If you follow these simple rules  you can “Out-3oKM” the competition.  You can  fake your way through beautiful women, comped casino rooms, free private jets and VIP treatment at the hottest spots in town.  You can basically enjoy the benefits of all that Bernie Madoff enjoyed without the hassles of ownership or prison.

1.    KNOW YOUR TOWN

“I am on a first name basis with almost every VIP doorman, bouncer and head bartender  in Dallas.”

I  have the same relationships with VIP hosts in most of the major Vegas clubs.  It is an urban myth that you have to slip major coin to these types for preferential treatment.  That is just not true.  It is more important to be unique and engaging.   You may have to pad the paycheck a couple times but if you add conversation, personality and hot women to those encounters you will be remembered. You will never have to wait in line again.  You will be a VIP without cost of membership.  it works.

2.   BEFRIEND LOTS OF FEMALES

“Good looking women attract other good looking women” .

More importantly, they attract guys willing to shell out for VIP bottle service and dinner tabs to have a shot of going home with one of them even if they don’t know you from Adam Schmockle or Dirk Nowitzki

Regardless of your income level, the opportunities to befriend women abound.  In the course of  my job as a hairstylist, I am surrounded by women all day long. I engage them on multiple levels.  I don’t hit on them.  I become their friend, not their date.  My goal is to be a BGF (Best Guy Friend). 

This is where many amateur 30KM wannabes go terribly wrong. They forget what the ultimate goal is.   They can not keep it in their pants.  They forget the 30KM Golden Rule.

What is the golden Rule?  If you want to be up there with me as a 30KM God, Don’t  S**t Where You  Drink! I bring at least 3 of my hottest BFF’s (Best Female Friends) to any gathering.

” Lets say we are at the club and one of my girls gets asked to come over to a table, she knows that this is a package deal.  We all get introduced, and what do you know this 30KM god is sitting at a table drinking Perrier Jouet Rose, and Dom P. It works every time.”

3.   GET GREAT SEATS AT SPORTING EVENTS

“You do not have to be related to the owner of a sports franchise to score good, babe impressing seats to a game.“

There is nothing better than being seen sitting on the floor at a Dallas Mavericks game.  This may still seem like a stretch for an aspiring 30KM, but not if you do your homework.

Track seats on eBay and StubHub. Look for seats to weekday games against opponents who are not that good.  The seats will almost always be cheaper.  You also want to be seen  on the JumboTron or even better on local or  national television. Once in your seats, find the camera guy who works the big screen.  Strike up a conversation.  Let him know your  are there with a hot girl. Be sure she says hello to him.  Be sure when you go to your seat she makes some kind of physical departing contact such as a touch on the arm.  You WILL end up on the arena big screen.

People will see you with those seats and will automatically think you have money.  If you know people with great seats either at work or socially drop hints. You would be surprised how many times primo seats to off games go unused.

“Last season I had  50 yard line lower level suits seats to every Dallas Cowboys game in the new Stadium”

Now did I pay for those?  Of course not.  I get them from rich friends.  Do you know any ladies that would go with someone else to a game and sit outside in shitty seats with 2o dollar beers when they can sit inside, get free food, drinks and watch the game in comfort?  It’s a no-brainer.”

4.   PRE-PARTY PRE-DRINKS

There is always going to be a slow night or two where you are going to have to shell out some of your own coin.   A true 30KM knows the off nights at the hot spots around town.  If you don’t want to go the Chinese takeout route those nights and still be successful the keys are preparation and damage control.

“The goal is to conserve funds while maintaining  maximum “fake“.

You can get nice and buttered up before you even get to the club.(I Never Drink and Drive)  Once in the club you already have your swerve on. Order one drink for yourself and you’re set.  Nurse your drink!

You can also try the pre-party happy hour.  Get one of your rich buds to at least have a happy hour at his penthouse pad even if he does not want to make it a long night.  More often that not he will be up for having the party come to him versus the effort of hitting the club.  Its a lot less expensive to buy the alcohol yourself before you go out and get their swerve on as well.  This can save you up to 50 percent in bar tab expense.  There is also a 50/50 shot that by the time you and your hotties are ready to hit the town, your rich buddy has changed his mind and comes along.  Problem solved!

“Once again many wannabe 30KM’s make mistakes here.”

They forget why they are in the club.  They live the night between their legs, buying drinks for every hot girl.   They go home alone with a maxed out credit card.  I would rather go home alone  with my status as the  king of the 30KM circuit in tact, new BFF’s made,and live to fight another day.   Most importantly, I did not blow my pocket roll or my limited credit.

These amateurs watch too many movies.  They have  not learned that buying women drinks in itself never gets you laid unless its the last 2.am skank at the bar.  They have also not  learned that buying invidual drinks does not get noticed by anyone that matters.  The true play is in the VIP bottle service area.  Everything else is minor league.

“On a night where none of the rich friends are going out, pre-drinking is key”

5.   CONTENT IS KING

This is the single most important rule of being a 30k millionaire. You have to  Act As If. If you cannot speak/act/look the part, you are doomed to failure.  Being able to speak to women, club owners, wealthy people or anybody else that is VIP is so important.  What’s funny about this rule is that it is intertwined with all the others.  The less you talk about what you have the better.  Let people perceive what you have and how you live your life, not go out of your way to tell people about it.  If you have to tell them you have money, you have lost the game already.  You will immediately be tagged as a 30KM wannabe.

6. BEFRIEND WEALTHY PEOPLE

“I have always surrounded myself with wealthy people.”

People that are really wealthy sometimes get enjoyment out of seeing less fortunate people enjoy themselves in ways they would never be able to.  This opens up a world of 30KM opportunities. Befriending wealthy people has allowed me to travel extensively, hardly ever forking out for more than airfare.

7. LOOK THE PART!

This is a key component of a successful 30KM.  Obviously, if you’re only making around 30k or less, you’re not going to be able to buy a BMW, but you can lease one. With a little research you can find people on countless online web sites trying to get out of their leases with no credit check.

If you are like me ,you are also not going to be able to afford a sick condo in city unless you have four roommates. This again is where rich friends with plush pads come in.  If you have 3 roomies and your buddy has a downtown penthouse, common sense dictates where the party should be.

“Replica is another word that most 30KM’s are really intimately familiar with.”

Replica Cartier, 2 karat stud earrings, Louis Vuittion wallet.  These are all mainstays of the 30KM wardrobe.  Most who tell you they can spot the difference are lying. In reality, unless its your wife, girlfriend, or another 30KM, no one is checking that closely regardless.

“When I lived in Scottsdale I leased a BMW 330i.  Of course the subject never came up if it was owned or leased so that was an easy one to get away with.  On my trips to Mexico I was able to pick up a knock-off Cartier watch that was a dead ringer.  Even my wealthy friends who had them couldn’t tell, I think the one I picked up was $40.  My condo in downtown Scottsdale was just sick, of course it was only 3 bedrooms with 4 people living there, but it worked.  Whatever person had girls coming back would get a bedroom, the odd man out got the couch.  Other than a couple of close calls, this worked to perfection.”

8.    DON’T BE LIKE OTHER 30KMs!

This is where I stand out above and beyond all other 30km.  I have never been caught, and never will!  I never go out of my way to let people know what I have (or what I don’t have).  I let them see for themselves. If you are low key, no one asks.   When they do, depending if I am in town, or out of it, is when my stories can be a little more far fetched.  The fact that I am appealing to the opposite sex is a bonus.  If you have average or below average looks, you need to be that much more personally engaging and dependent on other women  If you have 3 hot women on your arm, no one is going to be looking at you when you all sit down in the VIP bottle service section.

9.    WATCH OUT FOR THE 30KM WANNABE!

“This is a 30KM idiot is  a dangerous wild card.”

Their fake is easily spotted as bullshit.  They put everyone else on their guard, making it harder for a true professional 30KM to operate.  This type of 30KM idiot will join in on a conversation, pull a bank statement out of his back pocket and challenge you to a balance contest.  He will try to force a seat at the VIP table with lame ass lines even a hottie at her drunkest would not believe.  When you are in the middle of this type of situation, the best thing to do is avoid a  confrontation.  Defuse the situation.  Pack up your girls and leave the area for a bit.  The money guys will get the message and jettison the 30KM idiots.  You can then return women and primo 30KM king  status in- tact.

10.   FAKE IT UNTIL YOU MAKE IT

I would hope that even the most skilled and successful  3oKM’s would not want to remain a 30KM forever.  My goal as a 30KM has always been to surround myself with wealthy people, and who knows what may come from it.  It’s not about what you know or what you make, its about who you know and what they make..

“Good Luck And Good Faking!”