“It’s Better To Fake It Than To Make It” -Trent Monica, Dallas, Hairstylist and self proclaimed “King Of The 30KM Circuit.

I recently had the opportunity after a Dallas Mavericks game to sit down with Trent Monica. Trent is a Dallas Hair stylist. He is also the self proclaimed “King Of The 30k Millionaires” otherwise known as the “30kM circuit” He reluctantly agreed to be interviewed regarding his embracing of the 30km lifestyle and his secrets to success as well as his skilled technique in 30km deception.

Here is what Trent had to say regarding the mystique and myths surrounding lifestyle embraced by Jack In The Box managers across the country and dreaded by unsuspecting women -the 30k Millionaire.

“Make no mistake, being a successful 30KM is hard work. You have to do your homework. You have to create a perception that will survive beyond the 2 a.m last call”

So how you can you be the Lebron James of the 30KM maxed out credit card circuit? If you follow these simple rules you can “Out-3oKM” the competition. You can fake your way through beautiful women, comped casino rooms, free private jets and VIP treatment at the hottest spots in town. You can basically enjoy the benefits of all that Bernie Madoff enjoyed without the hassles of ownership or prison.

1. KNOW YOUR TOWN

“I am on a first name basis with almost every VIP doorman, bouncer and head bartender in Dallas.”

I have the same relationships with VIP hosts in most of the major Vegas clubs. It is an urban myth that you have to slip major coin to these types for preferential treatment. That is just not true. It is more important to be unique and engaging. You may have to pad the paycheck a couple times but if you add conversation, personality and hot women to those encounters you will be remembered. You will never have to wait in line again. You will be a VIP without cost of membership. it works.

2. BEFRIEND LOTS OF FEMALES

“Good looking women attract other good looking women” .

More importantly, they attract guys willing to shell out for VIP bottle service and dinner tabs to have a shot of going home with one of them even if they don’t know you from Adam Schmockle or Dirk Nowitzki

Regardless of your income level, the opportunities to befriend women abound. In the course of my job as a hairstylist, I am surrounded by women all day long. I engage them on multiple levels. I don’t hit on them. I become their friend, not their date. My goal is to be a BGF (Best Guy Friend).

This is where many amateur 30KM wannabes go terribly wrong. They forget what the ultimate goal is. They can not keep it in their pants. They forget the 30KM Golden Rule.

What is the golden Rule? If you want to be up there with me as a 30KM God, Don’t S**t Where You Drink! I bring at least 3 of my hottest BFF’s (Best Female Friends) to any gathering.

” Lets say we are at the club and one of my girls gets asked to come over to a table, she knows that this is a package deal. We all get introduced, and what do you know this 30KM god is sitting at a table drinking Perrier Jouet Rose, and Dom P. It works every time.”

3. GET GREAT SEATS AT SPORTING EVENTS

“You do not have to be related to the owner of a sports franchise to score good, babe impressing seats to a game.“

There is nothing better than being seen sitting on the floor at a Dallas Mavericks game. This may still seem like a stretch for an aspiring 30KM, but not if you do your homework.

Track seats on eBay and StubHub. Look for seats to weekday games against opponents who are not that good. The seats will almost always be cheaper. You also want to be seen on the JumboTron or even better on local or national television. Once in your seats, find the camera guy who works the big screen. Strike up a conversation. Let him know your are there with a hot girl. Be sure she says hello to him. Be sure when you go to your seat she makes some kind of physical departing contact such as a touch on the arm. You WILL end up in High Definition on the arena big screen.

People will see you with those seats and will automatically think you have money. If you know people with great seats either at work or socially drop hints. You would be surprised how many times primo seats to off games go unused.

“Last season I had 50 yard line lower level suits seats to every Dallas Cowboys game in the new Stadium”

You may think that the Cowboy’s struggles make it more difficult to sell that to a hottie but you are wrong! The allure of the 50 or a suite at Jerry World is there regardless of whether the game itself will be a total ass-whip. Nightclub hotties eat it up. Now did I pay for those? Of course not. I get them from rich friends. Do you know any ladies that would go with someone else to a game and sit outside in shitty seats with 2o dollar beers when they can sit inside, get free food, drinks and watch the game in comfort? It’s a no-brainer.”

4. PRE-PARTY PRE-DRINKS

There is always going to be a slow night or two where you are going to have to shell out some of your own coin. A true 30KM knows the off nights at the hot spots around town. If you don’t want to go the Chinese takeout route those nights and still be successful the keys are preparation and damage control.

“The goal is to conserve funds while maintaining maximum “fake“.

You can get nice and buttered up before you even get to the club.(I Never Drink and Drive) Once in the club you already have your swerve on. Order one drink for yourself and you’re set. Nurse your drink!

You can also try the pre-party happy hour. Get one of your rich buds to at least have a happy hour at his penthouse pad even if he does not want to make it a long night. More often that not he will be up for having the party come to him versus the effort of hitting the club. Its a lot less expensive to buy the alcohol yourself before you go out and get their swerve on as well. This can save you up to 50 percent in bar tab expense. There is also a 50/50 shot that by the time you and your hotties are ready to hit the town, your rich buddy has changed his mind and comes along. Problem solved!

“Once again many wannabe 30KM’s make mistakes here.”

They forget why they are in the club. They live the night between their legs, buying drinks for every hot girl. They go home alone with a maxed out credit card. I would rather go home alone with my status as the king of the 30KM circuit in tact, new BFF’s made,and live to fight another day. Most importantly, I did not blow my pocket roll or my limited credit.

These amateurs watch too many movies. They have not learned that buying women drinks in itself never gets you laid unless its the last 2.am skank at the bar. They have also not learned that buying invidual drinks does not get noticed by anyone that matters. The true play is in the VIP bottle service area. Everything else is minor league.

“On a night where none of the rich friends are going out, pre-drinking is key”

5. CONTENT IS KING

This is the single most important rule of being a 30k millionaire. You have to Act As If. If you cannot speak/act/look the part, you are doomed to failure. Being able to speak to women, club owners, wealthy people or anybody else that is VIP is so important. What’s funny about this rule is that it is intertwined with all the others. The less you talk about what you have the better. Let people perceive what you have and how you live your life, not go out of your way to tell people about it. If you have to tell them you have money, you have lost the game already. You will immediately be tagged as a 30KM wannabe.

6. BEFRIEND WEALTHY PEOPLE

“I have always surrounded myself with wealthy people.”

People that are really wealthy sometimes get enjoyment out of seeing less fortunate people enjoy themselves in ways they would never be able to. This opens up a world of 30KM opportunities. Befriending wealthy people has allowed me to travel extensively, hardly ever forking out for more than airfare.

7.LOOK THE PART!

This is a key component of a successful 30KM. Obviously, if you’re only making around 30k or less, you’re not going to be able to buy a BMW, but you can lease one. With a little research you can find people on countless online web sites trying to get out of their leases with no credit check.

If you are like me ,you are also not going to be able to afford a sick condo in city unless you have four roommates. This again is where rich friends with plush pads come in. If you have 3 roomies and your buddy has a downtown penthouse, common sense dictates where the party should be.

“Replica is another word that most 30KM’s are really intimately familiar with.”

Replica Cartier, 2 karat stud earrings, Louis Vuittion wallet. These are all mainstays of the 30KM wardrobe. Most who tell you they can spot the difference are lying. In reality, unless its your wife, girlfriend, or another 30KM, no one is checking that closely regardless.

“When I lived in Scottsdale I leased a BMW 330i. Of course the subject never came up if it was owned or leased so that was an easy one to get away with. On my trips to Mexico I was able to pick up a knock-off Cartier watch that was a dead ringer. Even my wealthy friends who had them couldn’t tell, I think the one I picked up was $40. My condo in downtown Scottsdale was just sick, of course it was only 3 bedrooms with 4 people living there, but it worked. Whatever person had girls coming back would get a bedroom, the odd man out got the couch. Other than a couple of close calls, this worked to perfection.”

8. DON’T BE LIKE OTHER 30KMs!

This is where I stand out above and beyond all other 30km. I have never been caught, and never will! I never go out of my way to let people know what I have (or what I don’t have). I let them see for themselves. If you are low key, no one asks. When they do, depending if I am in town, or out of it, is when my stories can be a little more far fetched. The fact that I am appealing to the opposite sex is a bonus. If you have average or below average looks, you need to be that much more personally engaging and dependent on other women If you have 3 hot women on your arm, no one is going to be looking at you when you all sit down in the VIP bottle service section.

9. WATCH OUT FOR THE 30KM WANNABE!

“This is a 30KM idiot is a dangerous wild card.”

Their fake is easily spotted as bullshit. They put everyone else on their guard, making it harder for a true professional 30KM to operate. This type of 30KM idiot will join in on a conversation, pull a bank statement out of his back pocket and challenge you to a balance contest. He will try to force a seat at the VIP table with lame ass lines even a hottie at her drunkest would not believe. When you are in the middle of this type of situation, the best thing to do is avoid a confrontation. Defuse the situation. Pack up your girls and leave the area for a bit. The money guys will get the message and jettison the 30KM idiots. You can then return women and primo 30KM king status in- tact.

10. FAKE IT UNTIL YOU MAKE IT

I would hope that even the most skilled and successful 3oKM’s would not want to remain a 30KM forever. My goal as a 30KM has always been to surround myself with wealthy people, and who knows what may come from it. It’s not about what you know or what you make, its about who you know and what they make..

“Good Luck And Good Faking!”

What  happened to the good old fashioned Gold Digger?  Are they shrinking in numbers?   The number of available millionaires has declined rapidly in this economic free-fall.  Did the fall of Bernie Madoff put them all out of business?    Former Hedge-Fund  and trust fund girlfriends are stuck trying to predict the next “Gold Digger Bubble”.   I heard that the Gold Diggers Association of America(GAA) had applied for federal bailout funds.

What has happened to the good old  20-30 year old hot bodied secretary by day, stripper by night, sharing an apartment with 4 roomies, three rented dresses and looking for all the sweetness and viagra us 45-65 year old sugar-daddies have to offer.   My home of Dallas, Texas was once the gold-digging capital of the world but now seems to have shifted to the big games of Cougars. I thought all was lost until I read this article(pdf) in Glamour Magazine.

The article is about this lady name Jennifer Binder.  She is talking about her thoughts and experiences  having dated  multi-millionaire “ultimate big shot” and disgraced former Enron big wig, Jeff Skilling.  Skilling has been convicted of numerous crimes related to the Enron collapse and is currently serving a federal 24-year, 4-month prison sentence.  While Jennifer appears to be educated and fairly successful in her own right that  does not disqualify her from gold-digger status.  It’s all relative to the disparity in wealth and the compromising of standards to get at  it.   If you can read between the lines, what you really have is the “The Goldigger’s Guide To The Galaxy”

I have been able to successfully decipher the galactic meaning of this article.  I am going to translate it for everyone by outlining what she says and giving my “take” as to the universal meaning for all “GDITs” (Gold Diggers In Training). Here are her quotes from the article and what she was really saying after applying my Star Trek Universal Translator:

Binder: “Jeff did indeed fly me to England for our first date; later he bought me jewelry and even helped with the down-payment on my house”

Galactic Translation: I am a professional gold-digger. I have no other means of support. I would not even look at you twice unless you had a “Gulfstream” waiting to whisk me off to an exotic location that went over one ocean or the other before we landed.

Binder: “that (the money) really blinded me to the age difference…”

Galactic Translation: Unlike Cougars, professional Gold Diggers have no age requirements. If you are 90 years old and still breathing, I’m all yours if that Gulfstream is fueled and ready. If you’re a trust fund baby, I will “babysit” you until you are old enough to appreciate Cougars.

Binder: “Greed is not good for a relationship”

Galactic Translation: Lots of money will kill a relationship if you no longer have it.

Binder: “If it seems like has something to hide, he has something to hide”

Galactic Translation: If you pay for my condo; seed my bank account; buy my Lexus and fly me to London every week for dinner, I don’t care if you are a ponzi king, hiding eight ex-wives, five illegitimate children, and are a registered sex offender.

Binder: “When friends don’t have anything nice to say about your boyfriend, listen”

Galactic Translation: If he is doing all of the above, WHO NEED FRIENDS!

Binder: “You really can learn from every experience”

Galactic Translation: When you have your next billionaire ‘”mark” in your sites, and he is about to be indicted for anything or pass away from old age, get as many assets as possible including the jet, transferred to your name before he goes to jail or dies.

There you have it. There is no longer any need to take Dramamine every night to combat pole swinging motion sickness. Follow the simple rules above and the world of rich geezers, Ponzi Kings  and insider trading felons is yours for the taking.

©2012 Brian Cuban

Let’s lace up those high-tops for a walk onto the hardwood court of Dallas (and note that I believe it’s largely the same for any big-city nightlife where a basketball season is played out). There are no points for second place. The winners hit nothing but net while the losers head home alone and whine the next morning about how they gave their best. The only way you can only get a “clear path” to the basket” view of all this is if you are living outside the 3-point line.

To watch this game – and to maybe be more than a baseline season-ticket-holder — I had to re-learn all I knew about basketball and how it applied to the nightlife scene. Once I had finished learning the rules and different offensive (sometimes very offensive!) and defensive sets, a night out in Dallas became more entertaining than watching the NBA Finals.

Well, almost

In order to see what I saw and know what I know you have to have a basic understanding of basketball “terminology” as it applies to both the NBA and the nightclub scene. Once you have this understanding you will never look at a bar or nightclub in the same light. Here are some of the terms you need to understand:

“Palming”: The act of adjusting oneself in a nightclub right in front of your buddy/wingman and the hot girl you are talking to. This is a change in possession foul and you must now transfer possession of the hot girl to your buddy.

“Slam-dunk”: The last drunk girl in the bar at 2 a.m.

“Full Court Press’’: Within 15 minutes of meeting a girl in a bar you have given her your phone number, certified financial statement, recent HIV test and two round-trip tickets to Vegas for the next day. You’ve even sent flowers sent to the girl … while still in the bar.

“Flagrant Foul”: At the very moment the hottest girl in the bar is handing you her telephone number, your best buddy, say, picks his nose. This is a two-shot foul. You retain possession. Your buddy must buy two shots of any drink you choose for you and any girl you want the rest of the night.

“Double-Double”: You figure it out…

“Triple Double”: U DA MAN!

“Clear Path Foul:’’ You picked up the hottest girl in the club. She has told you how much she wants you. You are on your way back to your place. She pukes all over your car.

“Fast Break”: You’ve just arrived, you have not even valeted the car yet and your buddy is coming out of the nightclub, hot girl on his arm.

“Traveling”: You live in Dallas. She lives in Fort Worth. This is a change-of-possession foul – but only if your buddy doesn’t care where she lives.

“24-Second Violation’’: You meet a hot girl. You spend the first 25 seconds talking about your millions in the bank, new Maserati, your listing on the Forbes 400 and your Gulfstream while your three roommates look on. This is also known as a “30K Millionaire Violation.” It is a turnover – she turns herself over to the next guy in the bar who actually owns a Maserati or Gulfstream.

“Double Dribble”: You forget to tie your shoes. Just as you are about to hand your girl her drink, you trip and spill both drinks on her. This is a change-in-possession foul as your buddy because your buddy uses it against you. She agrees and goes home with him.

“Back-Court Violation”: Your posse is in the club. You have drink in hand when you realize your driver was denied entrance because he wore tennis shoes, thus violating the dress-to-impress code.

“Alley-Oop”: Your buddy generously hands off to you that last drunk girl in the bar at 2 am. You are hoping to convert to a “slam dunk.’’

“Moving Screen”: Your buddy is not getting near that girl. She is going home with you!

“Blocking Foul”: Just as the hottest girl in the club is handing you her phone number … this is gonna be good. … your buddy approaches and and is nice enough to report that he found your wedding ring on the floor.

“Offensive Foul”: You had Italian for dinner. You’re about to kiss your girl goodnight — on the cheek, because you’re a gentleman — when you burp just a little. Is that a piece of spaghetti that’s landed on her cheek? Another turnover. To anybody. As long as it’s not you.

“Technical Foul”: She told you she was 21 when you bought her a drink. This is an ejection. A one-game suspension. And a timeout. … maybe to be spent in a 4×6 with bars.

“Offensive Rebound”: It is not your fault your buddy can’t close.

“Tip Off”: You spy something on her neck. It is suspicious. It appears that the attractive woman you are looking at has an Adam’s Apple.’’

“Two-Minute Warning”: It’s last call. You struck out. Your designated driver has left and you have no cab fare. Time for more “traveling.’’ Because you’re walking home.

There’s the rules of the game. And unlike the NBA regular season, which must come to again, in the nightlife scene, every weekend brings a playoff round!

©2012 Brian Cuban

Anyone who has flown almost any commercial airlines more than a few times is intimately familiar with Skymall magazine. It is required browsing for any airline travel warrior.

It is a magazine off  hopeful Shark Tank idea, gadgets, oddities, collectible and future garage sale items that are supposed to make our lives easier, more enjoyable or simply give you an excuse to open up an EBay account. When do we reach the reach the upper limits of our 3o Thousand feet boredom and finally read Skymall cover to cover? Here are a few reasons:

When you are stuck on a flight with no Wi-Fi;

When you have read American Way Magazine cover to cover… three times;

When you don’t  understand Spanish so you can’t read NEXOS;

When someone else has  already  done the crossword puzzle;

When you  have mooched and read the Wall Street Journal, US Magazine and National Enquirer  from the passenger in the seat next to you;

When the baby next to you is screaming uncontrollably and you need a distraction with the only things left to read being the barf bag and the card that reminds you of what won’t save your life if your plane goes down.

When you need a distraction from your trouble breathing due to the 500 lb guy squeezing you into 3 square feet of your seat.

When all of the above has happens you finally pull Skymall out of the seat-back pocket.

The effect of Skymall magazine on the enjoyability of a flight is not to be taken lightly. Have my fellow frequent-flyers not also experienced that irritated knot in the stomach and let out an exasperated sigh when you excitedly pull out the Skymall mag and see that it is the same issue that you read on the last flight? How many times can we look at a Rosetta Stone ad and try to convince ourselves that it would be useful to learn Pashto.

I have on many a flight gone through every item in the magazine analyzing its cost-benefit to society and simply wondering who would be stupid enough to actually buy a Indoor Dog Restroom. Is there really an impulse buy at 30k feet?

So with X-mas coming up fast and needing to make a list and check it twice, what better place to start than Skymall and its 240 plus pages of very cool to very weird gadgets and gifts for the traveler who has everything and the gift recipient who will say thanks but will really be thinking WTF!

1. The “Cat Toilet Training System

Look at the face on this cat.  It screaming, “I’m Taking a sh*t! Shut the door!”  Does it also teach the cat how to flush?  The upside of this is that it will be good coffee table talk when your guest goes to take a dump and wonders if you have a rat problem.  God forbid poor kitty loses her balance and does a cat-o-nine-tails into the Toilet Kitty Hell.  As soon as PETA gets wind of this the “shits” really going ot hit the fan.

2. The “SIT FIT“  Ridiculous “Infomercial” type exercise gadgets are low hanging fruit for the WTF list.   The image is a well dressed lady in high heals sweating herself up at her desk while she’s closing a million dollar deal.  Or the guy putting some sweat stains on his Fruit Of The Looms. This is also an ab-toner?  I might as well cancel my gym membership, forget the marathon training and fool myself into thinking this thing works while I eat that pizza slice at my desk.  One word of advice.  While you are making those foot movements and sweating it up beneath your desk, keep your hands in plain view or people will think your  “working yourself up” a little higher on your body.

3.  The Underwater Cell Phone System(1,790.00) It advertises as follows:

With the Alpha UWCP, talk with someone 15,000 miles away while diving a tropical reef or in your pool! This complete and sophisticated communication diving system can do it.

I still can not figure this out. Is this in case you get drunk and go overboard on a cruise ship? What’s more, do you really need an underwater phone to make a call from your swimming pool? Spend 50 bucks on a waterproof case instead! Maybe this is a big seller in the treasure hunter profession. At almost $1800.00 we may not see this in many garage sales but I have no doubt one will turn up inside a shark one day.

4. Toppik Hair Building Fibers Being follically challenged and having often thought of coughing up the big bucks for the Bosley Clinic, this item caught my attention. I frankly thought that this stuff went the way of the “As Seen On TV” Ronco Veg-o-matic and Ginsu knives. It advertises:

Many A-list celebrities use Toppik to enhance their image, on screen and off. Hollywood stars trust Toppik. It’s undetectable, even in close ups and stays on through wind, rain and perspiration.

Even more interesting to me than whether it works are these mysterious “A-List” celebs. I want to know what celebrities will admit to spray painting their heads. TMZ should get on this immediately. Conspicuously missing was a disclaimer that Toppic should not be used by people who are color-blind. I smell a lawsuit…

5-Old Yankee Stadium Seat. (799.00) A used seat from the old Yankee Stadium. Unless Babe Ruth or some other Yankee legend sat in it or autographed it, this is a WTF item. It is however is certainly more reasonable than a seat a the new Yankee Stadium. My advice is to pay the 799.00 for this seat, put it in front of your big screen and MLB package. You can then laugh at the suckers who coughed up tens of thousands of dollars to sit in something that they will be able to buy for about 800.00 in the 2040 Skymall Holiday edition. 

6.  “Brew Your Joe While You Go”  Where could you possibly be in such hurry to get to that you can’t make your coffee first or pass by one of the Gazillion Starbucks or even 7-11′s(which has damn good coffee)  that infest our nation.  If your going for cost per cup, stick with the swill from  your office coffee pot. Probably tastes no worse and  you don’t look an idiot carrying this thing around.  This is not even a  future garage sale.  Within months you will be watering your plants with it.

7-Remote Controlled Tarantula. Any adult that buys this for himself has repressed violent tendencies. If he is buying it for his kid, what message is this supposed to send? Terrorize your fellow children with big disgusting bugs? Nice. I am so weirded out by spiders that just picture of this gives me the willies. This faux spider would not last five minutes in my house. Survival reflex would take over and it would be squashed into 1000 bits of circuits and switches

7-Oil Extractor(69.95) They advertise this like it is the common thing to do to crawl under your own car and change your own oil. The ad states:

“This is How Mercedes Factory trained techs change oil”

Well isn’t that why we don’t crawl under our own cars and let them do it ? A Mercedes owner that changes his/her own oil?  That is a WTF in itself.

8-Wireless Toilet Seat.  “Some Men Have A Hard Time Remembering To Put The Toilet Seat Down” Now we need wireless assistance for this?  Is this what our collective manhood has devolved into?  Give this to your “significant guy”  for Christmas and you are guaranteed  a vacuum cleaner and an affair in return not necessarily in that order.  It takes 30 seconds to go up and down.  In “I gotta go” time, that’s an eternity.  My advice is to partner with the makers of the  Cat Toilet Training System.   Kitty needs some help.

9-Basho The Sumo Wrestler (95.00). “Basho crouches in his mawashi (Sumo belt) in these intricate sculpts with wide stances. This Toscano-exclusive heavyweight is cast in quality designer resin for display in home or garden.”

If you are looking for an easy way out of your marriage simply give Basho to your wife for Christmas or place him a center piece on the dinner table right after she has told you she feels like she needs to lose a few pounds… On the other hand, I only glanced at him for a second and immediately renewed my gym membership. At 95 bucks it beats the hell out of lipo.

10-Electronic Listening Device. (59.95) “Powerful enough to capture distant sounds from 300 feet away. Zoom in and see what you’re hearing. Sounds and images impossible for the human ears and eyes to pick up now seem as if you’re only a couple of feet away. This secret surveillance device is perfect for when you really need to know what’s going on.”

The perfect gift for the soon to be divorcing couple so they can spy on each other. If your spouse or significant other suddenly turns up with this gadget and tells you it is to pick up “bird sounds” you should be suspicious. Do you really want to be with someone who has those kind of voyeuristic tendencies? This would be a much bigger seller as a “his and hers” so you can spy on each other.

11-Head Spa Massager. I am not really sure what to say about this.  From the photo it appears that you can either massage your head, audition for alien guest spot on Star Trek, remove Spock’s brain, or prepare for the invasion of Troy.  A great combination of options at 49.95.

Last but not least.  Are you still wondering who would be stupid enough to buy the Indoor Dog Restroom?   Wonder no more.  It was me.  Yes I was suckered into the Skymall impulse world of future garage sale items.  Was my dog happy to do her business on her new AstroTurf?  The answer was yes but it was not the business I expected.

What they don’t tell you is that for this to work you have to have your dog piss in a cup and pour it on the turf so she gets the scent.   I dutifully  followed the instructions. I poured her “business” on the fake grass.  My dog  walked right over to it, looked up at me and took a dump on the AstroTurf.  I am still trying to fumigate my apartment.  WTF!!

I was on my way back to DFW  from San Francisco after a terrible day in which I totally bombed a speaking engagement. It was the last flight out.  I admittedly was a little cranky.  The aircraft was a Boeing 737.  I was in window Seat 13A.   It’s a three seat row. All three were occupied.  If you have flown a 737 coach you know that it’s basically a flying bus with little leg or elbow room.  Add to the mix that I am 6’2  23o lbs and she was not a petite individual. That left about 1 inch max of shoulder room to maneuver around.  In that situation, it is extremely difficult to occasionally not make some type of body contact with the person sitting next to you unless you become a statute for the entire flight.  I was also attempting to use my laptop which was almost impossible because the guy in front of me reclined his seat into my groin.  To be clear, this was not a case of  my body spilling over into her seat.  She had simply taken control of the armrest to my right as she is entitled to do and had adjusted herself in a “sleeping position”.  She was not sitting upright in her seat.  It was  physically impossible for me to sit in a normal position and type or even adjust myself occasionally without my elbow occasionally touching the part of her shoulder that was on the armrest.  Sensing her annoyance, I made various maneuvers in my seat and tried to flatten myself against the bulkhead as much as humanly possible to give her as much room as possible while still being able to type.

After about the 3rd or 4th time I brushed up against her shoulder, she looked at me and firmly asked me to stay out of her seat. I calmly explained to her that I was as far up against the bulkhead as I could be. In lieu of sitting perfectly still the entire flight or in an awkward position there was nothing I could do.  Our bodies were inevitably going to make contact . That was not good enough for her.  She made it clear it was her seat, she had paid for it and I should cease my “elbow assault”.

The back and forth escalated to the point where I calmly but firmly told her that there was nothing I could do and she could either deal with it or call the flight attendant to be moved. I would have gladly moved but it was a full flight and there were only middle seats available. I was not going to give up my window seat to only find myself in a worse situation.   This was coach.  Space is tight.  Baby’s are going to cry.  There are going to be unwelcome smells.  People are going to recline their seat into your groin.  Shoulders are going to occasionally touch.   As I expected,  the flight attendants told her there was nothing they could do but move her to another available middle seat.  She was having none of that.  She had paid for her seat.  I was an unwelcome trespasser to be evicted by any legal or non-legal means.  It was that point the attendant began to feel my pain. I saw the slight eye roll.   A firmer tone took hold as she repeated told the passenger that  while I may be an “elbow assaulter”  it was not a capital offense.  The FBI and Homeland Security would not be called to the gate and I would not be given a parachute and ejected from the plane.  The passenger finally grudgingly got up, gave me a “f*ck you” glare and moved to another seat.

What is the proper etiquette here?  I am a big guy but not outside the norm of people who fly. I was not spilling into her physical seat space.  Ironically,  two seats up from me were two guys who REALLY had space issues.  They seemed to be getting along just fine. (see photo).  I frankly do not see anything I could do to appease her other than moving to a middle seat which I was not going to do or flatten myself against the bulkhead and sit perfectly still the entire flight.  To get some insight, I went to someone I know.  Flight attendant veteran  Heather Poole, who blogs about her flight experiences and allegedly has a book on the subject coming out.  In her blog “Middle Seat Etiquette”  she says:

• Leave the armrest for the middle seat passenger. The window seat passenger has the window, while the aisle seat passenger has the aisle, but the middle seat passenger has nothing, nada, zilch, so please, for the love of god, give the person in the middle seat something, anything, an armrest, please!
• Do not hit the middle seat passenger in the head with your newspaper, even when the middle seat passenger is asleep and you are fairly sure they will not feel it.
• Do not use the middle seat passenger’s tray table. Even if the middle seat passenger is not using it.
• Do not put your feet under the seat in front of the middle seat passenger, no matter how long your legs are, even if the middle seat passenger is short.
• Do not place your luggage underneath the seat in front of the middle seat passenger. The middle seat passenger has luggage, too.
• Do not bring aboard a pet, choose an aisle or window seat, and then expect to put the pet under the middle seat because it does not fit under your seat.
• Do not raise the armrest between you and the middle seat passenger, no matter how well you are getting along.
• Keep your hair away from the middle seat passenger, no matter how pretty or how manly it may be.
• Remember, middle seat passengers are people too!

What about being tagged as a  window seat “elbow assaulter”  when there is no place to put the elbow but at your side?  Heather? Help!

Stay tuned for episode two of “Airplane Armrest Wars”

Palin stated that her  “CMDR Initiative” would stimulate the economy in ways never envisioned as well as lessen the need to rely on undocumented labor.  When pressed for details, Palin was extremely vague regarding exactly what “CMDR” stands for, stating that they needed today to work out details before unveiling the full plan prior to throwing her hat into the 2012 Presidential race.

Fox News was able to get a copy of her ‘CMDR Initiative’ and can reveal for the first time that it stands for “Certificate of Minimum Dating Requirements.”  Footnotes to the plan sate that is meant to stimulate the auto and fast food economy as well as curb “what has become an “epidemic” of 30k millionaires  who have no job or visible means of support showing up for dates with Sarah’s daughter Bristol by bus or bicycle.

“This plan will substantially increase used car sales and relieve a strain on public transportation and the pretentiousness of dating in general – something all parties feel is the breaking point. The plan would also ensure that there is 100 percent employment in the lowest tiers of employability such a fast food restaurants as part of my new,  “ONE CHILD, ONE BURGER” initiative. It would also ensure that at the bottom rung of employment, all ditches that need dug are in fact dug.”

The key element of this new legislation will be the formation of a national “CMDR Database that will function much like and be interfaced with a federal sex offender registry.  Inclusion in the database will be strictly voluntary. In order to get in the CMDR Database, a guy or girl will have to do the following:

Provide the database administrator with a current address, not a P.O. Box as well as proof of U.S Citizenship.

Allow the database administrator to do a registered sex offender check.

Provide the database administrator with a current title to a vehicle at least equivalent to minimum buy-in BMW.

Provide the database administrator with two current pay stubs evidencing a salary of at least $75K per year.

Provide documentation that the applicant is not married and does not live with mommy and daddy.

Provide a DNA sample to be sure the applicant is not genetically disposed to homicidal rage and douchebag behavior in general.

Provide a negatives AIDS test that must be updated every six months.

To be in the database, the applicant agrees to update this information every six months. This information will be encoded into the driver’s license of all those who participate in the database. The database will charge a fee of $20 per month. This fee will provide a reader capable of reading the encoding on the driver’s license.

Fox News has learned that it will work as follows:

Let’s say a girl meets a guy she likes.  If the guy is not in the database she can assume that he probably does not own a car, takes the  unemployed, lives with mommy and daddy, may be a registered sex offender and carries communicable diseases.

If you do not own a car because of you live an enumerated major city, you can apply for a “Big Apple Exemption” from the vehicle requirement.

If the guy is in the database, the girl may scan his driver’s license through the reader and the display will show what kind of car he drives, his sex offender status, and how much he makes per year. She may then make an intelligent decision on whether to go on a date with him.

Both Republicans and Democrats feel this new initiative will force complete losers who show up for their dates on bikes and buses to go buy a car. It is also felt that this will drastically reduce the number of perverts and $30K a year millionaires asking out unsuspecting women.

In order to encourage inclusion in the new CMDR Database, it was announced that the first 1,000 people will get a free “No Deadbeats” credit check!

When confronted with the leaked version of the initiative the Palin responded with the following statement:

“Most females agree with the bedrock conservative premise that, dating toothless unemployed losers without cars and who live with their mommies and daddies are a major problem in today’s society and action needed to be taken. ”

“Taking your date to McDonalds by bus or bicycle is not the answer to our problems – it is the problem.”

“I believe that as a movement, we have veered off course into the dangerous and uncharted waters of settling for the hot bodied pool boy with the bus pass versus sacrificing some looks for the comfort and security of a guy holding a CMDR.”.

President Barack Obama when asked about the plan stated that he could not support a plan that did not include substantial tax credits from automakers and auto-lenders that would allow all unemployed geeks to qualify for a CMDR.  He noted that he had just made the last payment on his 1980 BMW.

Senatory John McCain, when confronted with the proposal stated that while he agreed that something needed to be done about unemployed geeks, he felt that they were an unnecessary drain on the economy. He recommended military conscription for those who could not obtain a CMDR. He pointed out that they would be employable when they came out and who didn’t want to date a man in uniform? When pressed to elaborate, he pointed out that he had found a rich hottie young enough to be his daughter but admitted that he already had a Beemer when he snagged her.  He was hoping that the legislation would finally result in a boyfriend for his daughter Meghan.

Bristol Palin refused to comment on CMDR but was quietly overheard telling a friend that the whole idea seemed gay and all homos should be excluded as well.

More to follow……

ABOUT BRIAN CUBAN

About 3 weeks, ago I was having dinner at a Dallas/ Oak Cliff restaurant called Bolsa.  About a quarter of the way into the meal, a gentlemen who was clearly someone of authority, approached the table, asked how our meal was and congratulated me, presumably referencing the Dallas Mavericks championship.  My first thought was, “how in the world does this guy know who I am”.  I don’t wear a sign with my last name when I go out and I did recognize him as someone I knew.  Then it occurred to me that I had checked into Bolsa on Facebook.  Someone on my Facebook account who worked for the restaurant  probably saw the check-in and mentioned to him that I was there.  That’s how fast information moves in the era of tweets and check-ins.  Food was great. Service was great.  An overall great experience.  While I would hope the owner of Bolsa would handle it differently than the general manager of Down House, it could have gone south of Oak Cliff if I had posted or tweeted something negative about the food or service and the info was real time “fed” to management.  Awkward to say the least.  While I have posted both positive and negative reviews on Yelp, I have never tweeted or real time posted on Facebook about poor service or food.  IMHO that is rude.  I however, will not rule out a real time rant about rude/angry service. If  the establishment steps outside the bounds of customer courtesy, don’t expect any leniency from me.  For the moment, lesson learned that evening at Bolsa and from Allison Matsu.  In the Facebook and Twitter-world we now live in, everyone is listening in, especially when you are most vulnerable to making a #jackass out of yourself.

I have been on the same Dallas scene that the “Most Eligible” crew are cavorting through.  I therefore feel very qualified to critique.  The show stunk and the “players” never had a chance.  No one beyond the people that know Matt Nordgren and crew and a few “Jersey Shore” curiosity seekers looking for a train wreck, will give a shit what these particular individuals are doing on the Dallas dating and club scene. The Dallas scene is not interesting nor diverse enough to make that happen. I base that opinion on my 10+ years on the same scene doing the same shit they are.  Does anyone outside of the participants and their friends really care that Tara Harper is(was) dating Dallas Fort Worth radio personality Jody Dean?(you just got some scoop).  Of course they don’t. That’s not a knock on Tara or Jody. That is  cold, hard truth.  How does that have any national appeal?   If she’s dating Dirk Nowitzski, Shawn Marion or local movie celeb with national appeal like Owen Wilson(who, like Dirk, is spoken for) than maybe there is some national interest to sustain the show for a bit.

What were people besides myself saying about the show?  I view Twitter as a pretty good gauge of who’s watching and what general opinions are.  Last night during the course of the show, there was woefully scarce tweeting about it. What was being said was primarily coming out of the Dallas-Forth Worth area.  It was tweeted under the hashtag #dallasmosteligible if you want to check out the 140 commentary.  It tells me that for the most part, no one was watching.  As far as what people were saying, I disregarded any disgust with the concept or the participants because that is actually what Bravo counts on.  If there were Ten Thousand people tweeting that they hated Matt and everyone else, that is a victory for Bravo.  Hatred and disgust is what drives reality television. What I saw for the most part in the tweeting however,  was that the show was unimaginative and boring.  That is a killer.  You can’t blame the participants for that. They are not actors.  They are who they are and  I doubt they had Pulitzer writers working on the scripts. These were simply not the right choices for a reality singles show in Dallas.  For that concept to work in this city, you are going to have to put Shawn Marion, Dirk, or someone else of national prominence in it. Do you really give a shit about Matt or Courtney’s dating life?  I don’t.  I can walk into any Dallas night club any day of the week seeing the same people doing the exact same thing night in and night out. Only the names change.

I had never heard of Drew Ginsburg before this but found him slightly interesting only because of his weight struggles and the steps he took to deal with them. I have gone through similar struggles so that briefly held my interest. Beyond that, what I saw was Bravo trying to pull out the token Gay, combine it with the pretty heterosexual and stereotype it to the max.  I’ve already seen Sex And The City.

I have nothing but respect for Tara Harper and her work for Paws In The City.  It is  an organization that I have donated to and for whom I put my own fears aside and participated in a local “Dancing With The Stars” benefit.  The benefit has become a yearly high profile event in Dallas. Good for her.  Good for the animals that she works tirelessly to save.   For that reason, it made me uncomfortable to see her in this type of douchey show.  Tara says she went on the show to increase awareness for Paws In The City.  From that standpoint I hope she is right.  I am also wondering however,  if that outweighs the possible brand devaluation to her personally and Paws In The City through her participation.  Only time will tell.  I can think of plenty of ways to raise money without taking that risk. Despite what you may hear, not all publicity is good publicity.

I am a die-hard Steelers fan but never heard of NFL punter Glenn Pakulak.  That’s not a real knock. The only way Steelers kickers get in the news is if they get drunk and beat up paper towel dispensers. Glenn want’s to be a model. So does every other semi-attractive guy in Dallas.  Shaven head, tattoo, v-neck t-shirt.  All that was missing was the Affliction cut-off.  I could not fight off the feeling this guy was the “gym-douche” that we all love to make fun of.   Maybe he’s a MENSA member and the nicest guy in the world but I can not think of a bigger and more lame Dallas cliche than that.  No one is going to tune into to watch a cliche that exists in every city in America.

I had  no idea who Courtney Kerr is. I still don’t. I will get around to Googling her.   There were nothing even remotely interesting about her story or views on the Dallas night life.  She doesn’t like meeting guys at clubs and doesn’t like when Matt’s nightclub harem disses her. Her parents have money.(which seems to be the only bonding factor of any of the participants)   I don’t know if that is what her real life is like, but what I saw was that she has no scripted identity of her own.  Any Dallas girl who’s parents have money could have played that part.  Why is that interesting?  Someone remind me.

Finally, Matt Nordgren.  Matt is a Dallas night life veteran and is used to having shitty things written about him. He probably set a record for appearances on the douchebag intensive web site, The Dirty before he got them to remove the ugly posts about him.  It’s hard to  defend or offend Matt.  He eats it up good and bad.  I met Matt years ago and consider us friends.   How did I meet him?  Doing the exact same thing he is doing on the show.  That of course says as much about the life I led at that time as it does about Matt. I am also much older than him so far be it for me to hammer him for being the kind of mack-daddy douchebag  as I was when I was his age.  That however is not unique.  While Matt may think himself unique and reality show worthy, there are a thousand “Matt’s” on the Dallas scene. Its nothing unique or compelling or “train wreckish”  ITS JUST BORING.   Frankly, as far as being a local lightening rod on the local scene appeal as someone people love to hate, Matt was probably the only good choice for the show.

There it is. Most Eligible Dallas has no chance.  All the better for Tara, Jody and everyone else to put it behind them as an experience and move on.

I purchased a new set of headphones at Best Buy. Mine died of natural causes. I am one of those people that cannot work out unless I am listening to something so it was imperative that I got a new set before my next workout. I thought I had it planned out perfectly. I would buy the headphones, run home, get my gym stuff and be ready to rock and roll!

I found a cool pair that I liked. I got them home. Everything was going as planned. I guess I never really noticed or thought about the fact that they were enclosed in this big thick plastic case. The kind that need to be opened with a phaser or a Jedi light saber. No big deal. I would just get the scissors out and I am ready to go. There were no scissors to be found.

So here we go… I ripped it with my hands, stomped it with my feet, tore it with my teeth, fed it to my dog, fed it to my cat, stabbed it, jabbed it, prayed over it and cursed it. It just smiled back at me laughing, still snugly encased in its plastic kryptonite home. Where is Superman when you need him? Finally in a fit of rage, I took a knife and wildly stabbed at. I completely missed it and impaled my hand. I screamed loudly and throw the package across the room. I heard my cat scream. I looked over and it had sliced off the end of her tail.

After I bandaged my hand, I picked up the cat and the headphones and headed for the vet. On the way to the vet I look at the headphones and they were still in their plastic case laughing at me. I decided that I would have the last laugh and tossed them onto the highway to face a gruesome end by tire squash.

I got my cats tail re-attached. I got my hand stitched and headed home. I was stopped at a red light and out of the corner of my eye I saw a homeless guy wearing my headphones and petting his cat. He was obviously smarter that I was!

I missed my workout.

Question to ponder? What is the point of these “kryptonite cases”? Medieval Chastity Belts were probably easier to break into. Somebody please tell me who invented it so I can send him or her my vet bill.

©2011 Brian Cuban

I saw all kinds (as I often do), not all of them enviable kinds. There were the 30K Millionaires, the Cougars, the GoldDiggers and the MackDaddy D-bags, and I saw all kinds of similarities between the social interactions I witnessed out on the singles scene and the great game of hoops.

Let’s lace up those high-tops for a walk onto the hardwood court of Dallas (and note that I believe it’s largely the same for any big-city nightlife where a basketball season is played out). There are no points for second place. The winners hit nothing but net while the losers head home alone and whine the next morning about how they gave their best. The only way you can only get a “clear path” to the basket” view of all this is if you are living outside the 3-point line.

To watch this game – and to maybe be more than a baseline season-ticket-holder — I had to re-learn all I knew about basketball and how it applied to the nightlife scene. Once I had finished learning the rules and different offensive (sometimes very offensive!) and defensive sets, a night out in Dallas became more entertaining than watching the NBA Finals.

Well, almost

In order to see what I saw and know what I know you have to have a basic understanding of basketball “terminology” as it applies to both the NBA and the nightclub scene. Once you have this understanding you will never look at a bar or nightclub in the same light. Here are some of the terms you need to understand:

“Palming”: The act of adjusting oneself in a nightclub right in front of your buddy/wingman and the hot girl you are talking to. This is a change in possession foul and you must now transfer possession of the hot girl to your buddy.

“Slam-dunk”: The last drunk girl in the bar at 2 a.m.

“Full Court Press’’: Within 15 minutes of meeting a girl in a bar you have given her your phone number, certified financial statement, recent HIV test and two round-trip tickets to Vegas for the next day. You’ve even sent her flowers… while still in the bar.

“Flagrant Foul”: At the very moment the hottest girl in the bar is handing you her telephone number, your best buddy, say, picks his nose. This is a two-shot foul. You retain possession. Your buddy must buy two shots of any drink you choose for you and any girl you want the rest of the night.

“Double-Double”: You figure it out…

“Triple Double”: U DA MAN!

“Clear Path Foul:’’ You picked up the hottest girl in the club. She has told you how much she wants you. You are on your way back to your place. She pukes all over your car.

“Fast Break”: You’ve just arrived, you have not even valeted the car yet and your buddy is coming out of the nightclub, hot girl on his arm.

“Traveling”: You live in Dallas. She lives in Fort Worth. This is a change-of-possession foul – but only if your buddy doesn’t care where she lives.

“24-Second Violation’’: You meet a hot girl. You spend the first 25 seconds talking about your millions in the bank, new Maserati, your listing on the Forbes 400 and your Gulfstream while your three roommates look on. This is also known as a “30K Millionaire Violation.” It is a turnover – she turns herself over to the next guy in the bar who actually owns a Maserati or Gulfstream.

“Double Dribble”: You forget to tie your shoes. Just as you are about to hand your girl her drink, you trip and spill both drinks on her. This is a change-in-possession foul as your buddy because your buddy uses it against you. She agrees and goes home with him.

“Back-Court Violation”: Your posse is in the club. You have drink in hand when you realize your driver was denied entrance because he wore tennis shoes, thus violating the dress-to-impress code.

“Alley-Oop”: Your buddy generously hands off to you that last drunk girl in the bar at 2 am. You are hoping to convert to a “slam dunk.’’

“Moving Screen”: Your buddy is not getting near that girl. She is going home with you!

“Blocking Foul”: Just as the hottest girl in the club is handing you her phone number … this is gonna be good. … your buddy approaches and and is nice enough to report that he found your wedding ring on the floor.

“Offensive Foul”: You had Italian for dinner. You’re about to kiss your girl goodnight — on the cheek, because you’re a gentleman — when you burp just a little. Is that a piece of spaghetti that’s landed on her cheek? Another turnover. To anybody. As long as it’s not you.

“Technical Foul”: She told you she was 21 when you bought her a drink. This is an ejection. A one-game suspension. And a timeout. … maybe to be spent in a 4×6 with bars.

“Offensive Rebound”: It is not your fault your buddy can’t close.

“Tip Off”: You spy something on her neck. It is suspicious. It appears that the attractive woman you are looking at has an Adam’s Apple.’’

“Two-Minute Warning”: It’s last call. You struck out. Your designated driver has left and you have no cab fare. Time for more “traveling.’’ Because you’re walking home.

There’s the rules of the game. And unlike the NBA regular season, which must come to again, in the nightlife scene, every weekend brings a playoff round!

©2011 Brian Cuban

At the same time, I was stunned by a similarity between singles scene as the NBA:

Life imitates art. Basketball imitates life. Especially in social interactions.

I saw all kinds (as I often do), not all of them enviable kinds. There were the 30K Millionaires, the Cougars, the GoldDiggers and the MackDaddy D-bags, and I saw all kinds of similarities between the social interactions I witnessed out on the singles scene and the great game of hoops.

Let’s lace up those high-tops for a walk onto the hardwood court of Dallas (and note that I believe it’s largely the same for any big-city nightlife where a basketball season is played out). There are no points for second place. The winners hit nothing but net while the losers head home alone and whine the next morning about how they gave their best. The only way you can only get a “clear path” to the basket” view of all this is if you are living outside the 3-point line.

To watch this game – and to maybe be more than a baseline season-ticket-holder — I had to re-learn all I knew about basketball and how it applied to the nightlife scene. Once I had finished learning the rules and different offensive (sometimes very offensive!) and defensive sets, a night out in Dallas became more entertaining than watching the NBA Finals.

Well, almost

In order to see what I saw and know what I know you have to have a basic understanding of basketball “terminology” as it applies to both the NBA and the nightclub scene. Once you have this understanding you will never look at a bar or nightclub in the same light. Here are some of the terms you need to understand:

“Palming”: The act of adjusting oneself in a nightclub right in front of your buddy/wingman and the hot girl you are talking to. This is a change in possession foul and you must now transfer possession of the hot girl to your buddy.

“Slam-dunk”: The last drunk girl in the bar at 2 a.m.

“Full Court Press’’: Within 15 minutes of meeting a girl in a bar you have given her your phone number, certified financial statement, recent HIV test and two round-trip tickets to Vegas for the next day. You’ve even sent flowers sent to the girl … while still in the bar.

“Flagrant Foul”: At the very moment the hottest girl in the bar is handing you her telephone number, your best buddy, say, picks his nose. This is a two-shot foul. You retain possession. Your buddy must buy two shots of any drink you choose for you and any girl you want the rest of the night.

“Double-Double”: You figure it out…

“Triple Double”: U DA MAN!

“Clear Path Foul:’’ You picked up the hottest girl in the club. She has told you how much she wants you. You are on your way back to your place. She pukes all over your car.

“Fast Break”: You’ve just arrived, you have not even valeted the car yet and your buddy is coming out of the nightclub, hot girl on his arm.

“Traveling”: You live in Dallas. She lives in Fort Worth. This is a change-of-possession foul – but only if your buddy doesn’t care where she lives.

“24-Second Violation’’: You meet a hot girl. You spend the first 25 seconds talking about your millions in the bank, new Maserati, your listing on the Forbes 400 and your Gulfstream while your three roommates look on. This is also known as a “30K Millionaire Violation.” It is a turnover – she turns herself over to the next guy in the bar who actually owns a Maserati or Gulfstream.

“Double Dribble”: You forget to tie your shoes. Just as you are about to hand your girl her drink, you trip and spill both drinks on her. This is a change-in-possession foul as your buddy because your buddy uses it against you. She agrees and goes home with him.

“Back-Court Violation”: Your posse is in the club. You have drink in hand when you realize your driver was denied entrance because he wore tennis shoes, thus violating the dress-to-impress code.

“Alley-Oop”: Your buddy generously hands off to you that last drunk girl in the bar at 2 am. You are hoping to convert to a “slam dunk.’’

“Moving Screen”: Your buddy is not getting near that girl. She is going home with you!

“Blocking Foul”: Just as the hottest girl in the club is handing you her phone number … this is gonna be good. … your buddy approaches and and is nice enough to report that he found your wedding ring on the floor.

“Offensive Foul”: You had Italian for dinner. You’re about to kiss your girl goodnight — on the cheek, because you’re a gentleman — when you burp just a little. Is that a piece of spaghetti that’s landed on her cheek? Another turnover. To anybody. As long as it’s not you.

“Technical Foul”: She told you she was 21 when you bought her a drink. This is an ejection. A one-game suspension. And a timeout. … maybe to be spent in a 4×6 with bars.

“Offensive Rebound”: It is not your fault your buddy can’t close.

“Tip Off”: You spy something on her neck. It is suspicious. It appears that the attractive woman you are looking at has an Adam’s Apple.’’

“Two-Minute Warning”: It’s last call. You struck out. Your designated driver has left and you have no cab fare. Time for more “traveling.’’ Because you’re walking home.

There’s the rules of the game. And unlike the NBA regular season, which must come to again, in the nightlife scene, every weekend brings a playoff round!

©2011 Brian Cuban

The bizarre exchange occurred last year in Nutting’s office at the conclusion of the Pirates 3rd worst season in Club History finishing 57-105, leading to the firing of manager John Russell.  The outrage over their 18th consecutive losing season with no real hope for 2011 improvement prompted the recent front page headline, “WHO THE HELL ARE THESE GUYS” in the local Pittsburgh newspaper.

The following  is a transcript of the secretly recorded conversation:

Nutting: Come on in Neal, have a seat.

Huntington: I’m glad you called me in. I’m still unclear on a couple things about our team direction for 2011.

Nutting: Oh, really  Like what?

Huntington: Over the last few years we have traded away practically every decent player we have. Our rookies are not producing.  This was the the one of the worst Pirates teams ever and that’s saying something after 18 consecutive losing seasons.  I think Russell is going to quit and start selling Goodyears.   Who will manage the Pirates moving forward if he does?

Nutting: I was thinking of the Dos Equis Man. He will fit in quite well with our team concept.

Huntingdon: The Dos Equis Man?  You’re joking right?

Nutting: Wrong, my name is Robert, get it right.

Huntington: What exactly is our team concept?

Nutting: That’s what I wanted to talk to you about. I want to put together a team that will help us relocate to Cuba

Huntington: Cuba?  Your joking.

Nutting: I said my name is Robert.  I’m serious about this Neal.  It’s no secret I’ve never liked Pittsburgh much. The weathers lousy, the downtown is a pit, the stadium’s too small,we cant draw dick and no one is reading my crappy newspapers.  Another 2 years of this and I may need to start feeding  Ogden real dog food.

Huntington: You can’t just up and move a team on a whim!

Nutting: It’s hardly a whim.  Fidel has offered to build us a new stadium — 62,000   capacity, 45 V.I.P. boxes, and all rent to be subsided through sugar cane sales. No other franchise in baseball can match that deal.

Nutting: Whats more, Fidel has taken a liking to the Dos Equis Man.   Fidel personally told me he finds him incredibly interesting. Whats more, he looks like him.  He likes the commercials and thinks of him as the son he always wanted.  There is also a national Cuban Tequila brand rolling out that will provide some good marketing perks . I plan on offering Mr. Equis a long term contract to replace Russell.  Fidel will be the starting 1st baseman in Spring Training. The job’s his to lose.

Huntington: You cant be serious!  What about Clint Hurdle?  He is doing a good job for the Texas Rangers?

Nutting: I’m not serious, For the last time, my name is Robert, whats wrong with you.  Irregardless, it wont work, Hurdle looks nothing like Fidel.

Nutting: Whats more, we will be given the option of signing player development contracts with the parents of all promising Cuban prospects. We will have exclusive negotiating rights starting at 7 years old as well as their real birth certificates. We will corner the Cuban baseball talent market!

Huntington: Even so, the League and the City will never let us  leave Pittsburgh.  There is a lease and laws we have to deal with.

Nutting: I have that all figured out!  I have been pressing Bud Selig for an exhibition or regular season game in Cuba.  Bud is a Big fan of the Dos Equis guy.  Told me the other day how interesting he is.   While we are in Cuba, under my authority as owner and in the best interests of baseball, I will undertake a mass defection of the entire team.   The bottom line is that if we play bad enough no one will care if we defect and the players will love the sunny climate.

Huntington: You mean you want us to lose?

Nutting:  We’ve been losing.  I want us to finish dead last again and set an all time low attendance and loss record. I have been pouring over the numbers.  A 120+ losses is definitely within reach  this year. Speaking of which, I heard Mario Mendoza is making a comeback, offer him a 3 year deal and a free AARP membership.

Huntington: You are out of your mind!

Nutting: Well I still think print media is viable if that’s what you mean.

©2011 Brian Cuban

In all the hubbub about Cougars and this declining economy I began to wonder to myself. What ever happened to the good old fashioned Gold Digger?  Are they shrinking in numbers?   The number of available millionaires has declined rapidly in this economic free-fall.  Did the fall of Bernie Madoff put them all out of business?   They are even forming support groups now. Former Hedge-Fund  and trust fund girlfriends trying to predict the next “Gold Digger Bubble”.   I heard that the Gold Diggers Association of America(GAA) had applied for federal bailout funds.

What has happened to the good old  20-30 year old hot bodied secretary by day, stripper by night, sharing an apartment with 4 roomies, three rented dresses and looking for all the sweetness and viagra us 45-65 year old sugar-daddies have to offer.   My home of Dallas, Texas was once the gold-digging capital of the world but now seems to have shifted to the big games of Cougars. I thought all was lost until I read this article(pdf) in Glamour Magazine.

The article is about this lady name Jennifer Binder. She is talking about her thoughts and experiences in having dated the multi-millionaire “ultimate big shot”, disgraced former Enron big wig, Jeff Skilling, who has been convicted of numerous crimes related to the Enron collapse and is currently serving a federal 24-year, 4-month prison sentence. As I read the article, it occurred to me that this Binder lady was really Ashley Dupre and Eliot Spitzer five years removed. I am not saying that Jennifer was a “call girl” in the literal sense of the word. She appears to be educated and fairly successful in her own right. That however does not disqualify her from gold-digger status.   If you could read between the lines what your really had was “The Goldigger’s Guide To The Galaxy”

I have been able to successfully decipher the galactic meaning of this article.  I am going to translate it for everyone by outlining what she says and giving my “take” as to the universal meaning for all “GDITs” (Gold Diggers In Training). Here are her quotes from the article and what she was really saying after applying my Star Trek Universal Translator:

Binder: “Jeff did indeed fly me to England for our first date; later he bought me jewelry and even helped with the down-payment on my house”

Galactic Translation: I am a professional gold-digger. I have no other means of support. I would not even look at you twice unless you had a “Gulfstream” waiting to whisk me off to an exotic location that went over one ocean or the other before we landed.

Binder: “that (the money) really blinded me to the age difference…”

Galactic Translation: Unlike Cougars, professional Gold Diggers have no age requirements. If you are 90 years old and still breathing, I’m all yours if that Gulfstream is fueled and ready. If you’re a trust fund baby, I will “babysit” you until you are old enough to appreciate Cougars.

Binder: “Greed is not good for a relationship”

Galactic Translation: Lots of money will kill a relationship if you no longer have it.

Binder: “If it seems like has something to hide, he has something to hide”

Galactic Translation: If you pay for my condo; seed my bank account; buy my Lexus and fly me to London every week for dinner, I don’t care if you are a ponzi king, hiding eight ex-wives, five illegitimate children, and are a registered sex offender.

Binder: “When friends don’t have anything nice to say about your boyfriend, listen”

Galactic Translation: If he is doing all of the above, WHO NEED FRIENDS!

Binder: “You really can learn from every experience”

Galactic Translation: When you have your next billionaire ‘”mark” in your sites, and he is about to be indicted for anything or pass away from old age, get as many assets as possible including the jet, transferred to your name before he goes to jail or dies.

There you have it. There is no longer any need to take Dramamine every night to combat pole swinging motion sickness. Follow the simple rules above and the world of rich geezers, Ponzi Kings  and insider trading felons is yours for the taking.

©2010 Brian Cuban

“It’s Better To Fake It Than To Make It” -“Trent Monica”, Dallas, Texas Hairstylist and self proclaimed “King Of The 30KM Circuit.”

I recently had the opportunity after a Dallas Mavericks game to sit down with Trent Monica. Trent is a Dallas Hair stylist. He is also the self proclaimed “King Of The 30k Millionaires” otherwise known as the “30kM circuit” He reluctantly agreed to be interviewed regarding his embracing of the 30km lifestyle and his secrets to success as well as his skilled technique in 30km deception.

Here is what Trent had to say regarding the mystique and myths surrounding lifestyle embraced by Jack In The Box managers across the country and dreaded by unsuspecting women -the 30k Millionaire.

“Make no mistake, being a successful 30KM is hard work. You have to do your homework. You have to create a perception that will survive beyond the 2 a.m last call”

So how you can you be the Lebron James of the 30KM maxed out credit card circuit? If you follow these simple rules you can “Out-3oKM” the competition. You can fake your way through beautiful women, comped casino rooms, free private jets and VIP treatment at the hottest spots in town. You can basically enjoy the benefits of all that Bernie Madoff enjoyed without the hassles of ownership or prison.

1. KNOW YOUR TOWN

“I am on a first name basis with almost every VIP doorman, bouncer and head bartender in Dallas.”

I have the same relationships with VIP hosts in most of the major Vegas clubs. It is an urban myth that you have to slip major coin to these types for preferential treatment. That is just not true. It is more important to be unique and engaging. You may have to pad the paycheck a couple times but if you add conversation, personality and hot women to those encounters you will be remembered. You will never have to wait in line again. You will be a VIP without cost of membership. it works.

2. BEFRIEND LOTS OF FEMALES

“Good looking women attract other good looking women” .

More importantly, they attract guys willing to shell out for VIP bottle service and dinner tabs to have a shot of going home with one of them even if they don’t know you from Adam Schmockle or Dirk Nowitzki

Regardless of your income level, the opportunities to befriend women abound. In the course of my job as a hairstylist, I am surrounded by women all day long. I engage them on multiple levels. I don’t hit on them. I become their friend, not their date. My goal is to be a BGF (Best Guy Friend).

This is where many amateur 30KM wannabes go terribly wrong. They forget what the ultimate goal is. They can not keep it in their pants. They forget the 30KM Golden Rule.

What is the golden Rule? If you want to be up there with me as a 30KM God, Don’t S**t Where You Drink! I bring at least 3 of my hottest BFF’s (Best Female Friends) to any gathering.

” Lets say we are at the club and one of my girls gets asked to come over to a table, she knows that this is a package deal. We all get introduced, and what do you know this 30KM god is sitting at a table drinking Perrier Jouet Rose, and Dom P. It works every time.”

3. GET GREAT SEATS AT SPORTING EVENTS

“You do not have to be related to the owner of a sports franchise to score good, babe impressing seats to a game.“

There is nothing better than being seen sitting on the floor at a Dallas Mavericks game. This may still seem like a stretch for an aspiring 30KM, but not if you do your homework.

Track seats on eBay and StubHub. Look for seats to weekday games against opponents who are not that good. The seats will almost always be cheaper. You also want to be seen on the JumboTron or even better on local or national television. Once in your seats, find the camera guy who works the big screen. Strike up a conversation. Let him know your are there with a hot girl. Be sure she says hello to him. Be sure when you go to your seat she makes some kind of physical departing contact such as a touch on the arm. You WILL end up in High Definition on the arena big screen.

People will see you with those seats and will automatically think you have money. If you know people with great seats either at work or socially drop hints. You would be surprised how many times primo seats to off games go unused.

“Last season I had 50 yard line lower level suits seats to every Dallas Cowboys game in the new Stadium”

You may think that the Cowboy’s struggles make it more difficult to sell that to a hottie but you are wrong!  The allure of the  50 or a suite at Jerry World is there regardless of whether the game itself will be a total ass-whip. Nightclub hotties eat it up.   Now did I pay for those?   Of course not. I get them from rich friends. Do you know any ladies that would go with someone else to a game and sit outside in shitty seats with 2o dollar beers when they can sit inside, get free food, drinks and watch the game in comfort? It’s a no-brainer.”

4. PRE-PARTY PRE-DRINKS

There is always going to be a slow night or two where you are going to have to shell out some of your own coin. A true 30KM knows the off nights at the hot spots around town. If you don’t want to go the Chinese takeout route those nights and still be successful the keys are preparation and damage control.

“The goal is to conserve funds while maintaining maximum “fake“.

You can get nice and buttered up before you even get to the club.(I Never Drink and Drive) Once in the club you already have your swerve on. Order one drink for yourself and you’re set. Nurse your drink!

You can also try the pre-party happy hour. Get one of your rich buds to at least have a happy hour at his penthouse pad even if he does not want to make it a long night. More often that not he will be up for having the party come to him versus the effort of hitting the club. Its a lot less expensive to buy the alcohol yourself before you go out and get their swerve on as well. This can save you up to 50 percent in bar tab expense. There is also a 50/50 shot that by the time you and your hotties are ready to hit the town, your rich buddy has changed his mind and comes along. Problem solved!

“Once again many wannabe 30KM’s make mistakes here.”

They forget why they are in the club. They live the night between their legs, buying drinks for every hot girl. They go home alone with a maxed out credit card. I would rather go home alone with my status as the king of the 30KM circuit in tact, new BFF’s made,and live to fight another day. Most importantly, I did not blow my pocket roll or my limited credit.

These amateurs watch too many movies. They have not learned that buying women drinks in itself never gets you laid unless its the last 2.am skank at the bar. They have also not learned that buying invidual drinks does not get noticed by anyone that matters. The true play is in the VIP bottle service area. Everything else is minor league.

“On a night where none of the rich friends are going out, pre-drinking is key”

5. CONTENT IS KING

This is the single most important rule of being a 30k millionaire. You have to Act As If. If you cannot speak/act/look the part, you are doomed to failure. Being able to speak to women, club owners, wealthy people or anybody else that is VIP is so important. What’s funny about this rule is that it is intertwined with all the others. The less you talk about what you have the better. Let people perceive what you have and how you live your life, not go out of your way to tell people about it. If you have to tell them you have money, you have lost the game already. You will immediately be tagged as a 30KM wannabe.

6. BEFRIEND WEALTHY PEOPLE

“I have always surrounded myself with wealthy people.”

People that are really wealthy sometimes get enjoyment out of seeing less fortunate people enjoy themselves in ways they would never be able to. This opens up a world of 30KM opportunities. Befriending wealthy people has allowed me to travel extensively, hardly ever forking out for more than airfare.

7. LOOK THE PART!

This is a key component of a successful 30KM. Obviously, if you’re only making around 30k or less, you’re not going to be able to buy a BMW, but you can lease one. With a little research you can find people on countless online web sites trying to get out of their leases with no credit check.

If you are like me ,you are also not going to be able to afford a sick condo in city unless you have four roommates. This again is where rich friends with plush pads come in. If you have 3 roomies and your buddy has a downtown penthouse, common sense dictates where the party should be.

“Replica is another word that most 30KM’s are really intimately familiar with.”

Replica Cartier, 2 karat stud earrings, Louis Vuittion wallet. These are all mainstays of the 30KM wardrobe. Most who tell you they can spot the difference are lying. In reality, unless its your wife, girlfriend, or another 30KM, no one is checking that closely regardless.

“When I lived in Scottsdale I leased a BMW 330i. Of course the subject never came up if it was owned or leased so that was an easy one to get away with. On my trips to Mexico I was able to pick up a knock-off Cartier watch that was a dead ringer. Even my wealthy friends who had them couldn’t tell, I think the one I picked up was $40. My condo in downtown Scottsdale was just sick, of course it was only 3 bedrooms with 4 people living there, but it worked. Whatever person had girls coming back would get a bedroom, the odd man out got the couch. Other than a couple of close calls, this worked to perfection.”

8. DON’T BE LIKE OTHER 30KMs!

This is where I stand out above and beyond all other 30km. I have never been caught, and never will! I never go out of my way to let people know what I have (or what I don’t have). I let them see for themselves. If you are low key, no one asks. When they do, depending if I am in town, or out of it, is when my stories can be a little more far fetched. The fact that I am appealing to the opposite sex is a bonus. If you have average or below average looks, you need to be that much more personally engaging and dependent on other women If you have 3 hot women on your arm, no one is going to be looking at you when you all sit down in the VIP bottle service section.

9. WATCH OUT FOR THE 30KM WANNABE!

“This is a 30KM idiot is a dangerous wild card.”

Their fake is easily spotted as bullshit. They put everyone else on their guard, making it harder for a true professional 30KM to operate. This type of 30KM idiot will join in on a conversation, pull a bank statement out of his back pocket and challenge you to a balance contest. He will try to force a seat at the VIP table with lame ass lines even a hottie at her drunkest would not believe. When you are in the middle of this type of situation, the best thing to do is avoid a confrontation. Defuse the situation. Pack up your girls and leave the area for a bit. The money guys will get the message and jettison the 30KM idiots. You can then return women and primo 30KM king status in- tact.

10. FAKE IT UNTIL YOU MAKE IT

I would hope that even the most skilled and successful 3oKM’s would not want to remain a 30KM forever. My goal as a 30KM has always been to surround myself with wealthy people, and who knows what may come from it. It’s not about what you know or what you make, its about who you know and what they make..

“Good Luck And Good Faking!”