I despise reality television. While I have seen an episode or two  of “The Bachelor” under protest,  I believe it is a blight on society and responsible in part for the dumbing down of our collective intelligence.  Some have said,  what about your brother’s reality show, “The Benefactor”.  I plead hypocrisy on that.  He is my brother and I support anything he does.  That being said, and despite my public prostrations that I would never watch Most Eligible Dallas, there I was glued to my set at 9pm(CT).  I even watched a bit of Millionaire Matchmaker before hand.

I have been on the same Dallas scene that the “Most Eligible” crew are cavorting through.  I therefore feel very qualified to critique.  The show stunk and the “players” never had a chance.  No one beyond the people that know Matt Nordgren and crew and a few “Jersey Shore” curiosity seekers looking for a train wreck, will give a shit what these particular individuals are doing on the Dallas dating and club scene. The Dallas scene is not interesting nor diverse enough to make that happen. I base that opinion on my 10+ years on the same scene doing the same shit they are.  Does anyone outside of the participants and their friends really care that Tara Harper is(was) dating Dallas Fort Worth radio personality Jody Dean?(you just got some scoop).  Of course they don’t. That’s not a knock on Tara or Jody. That is  cold, hard truth.  How does that have any national appeal?   If she’s dating Dirk Nowitzski, Shawn Marion or local movie celeb with national appeal like Owen Wilson(who, like Dirk, is spoken for) than maybe there is some national interest to sustain the show for a bit.

What were people besides myself saying about the show?  I view Twitter as a pretty good gauge of who’s watching and what general opinions are.  Last night during the course of the show, there was woefully scarce tweeting about it. What was being said was primarily coming out of the Dallas-Forth Worth area.  It was tweeted under the hashtag #dallasmosteligible if you want to check out the 140 commentary.  It tells me that for the most part, no one was watching.  As far as what people were saying, I disregarded any disgust with the concept or the participants because that is actually what Bravo counts on.  If there were Ten Thousand people tweeting that they hated Matt and everyone else, that is a victory for Bravo.  Hatred and disgust is what drives reality television. What I saw for the most part in the tweeting however,  was that the show was unimaginative and boring.  That is a killer.  You can’t blame the participants for that. They are not actors.  They are who they are and  I doubt they had Pulitzer writers working on the scripts. These were simply not the right choices for a reality singles show in Dallas.  For that concept to work in this city, you are going to have to put Shawn Marion, Dirk, or someone else of national prominence in it. Do you really give a shit about Matt or Courtney’s dating life?  I don’t.  I can walk into any Dallas night club any day of the week seeing the same people doing the exact same thing night in and night out. Only the names change.

I had never heard of Drew Ginsburg before this but found him slightly interesting only because of his weight struggles and the steps he took to deal with them. I have gone through similar struggles so that briefly held my interest. Beyond that, what I saw was Bravo trying to pull out the token Gay, combine it with the pretty heterosexual and stereotype it to the max.  I’ve already seen Sex And The City.

I have nothing but respect for Tara Harper and her work for Paws In The City.  It is  an organization that I have donated to and for whom I put my own fears aside and participated in a local “Dancing With The Stars” benefit.  The benefit has become a yearly high profile event in Dallas. Good for her.  Good for the animals that she works tirelessly to save.   For that reason, it made me uncomfortable to see her in this type of douchey show.  Tara says she went on the show to increase awareness for Paws In The City.  From that standpoint I hope she is right.  I am also wondering however,  if that outweighs the possible brand devaluation to her personally and Paws In The City through her participation.  Only time will tell.  I can think of plenty of ways to raise money without taking that risk. Despite what you may hear, not all publicity is good publicity.

I am a die-hard Steelers fan but never heard of NFL punter Glenn Pakulak.  That’s not a real knock. The only way Steelers kickers get in the news is if they get drunk and beat up paper towel dispensers. Glenn want’s to be a model. So does every other semi-attractive guy in Dallas.  Shaven head, tattoo, v-neck t-shirt.  All that was missing was the Affliction cut-off.  I could not fight off the feeling this guy was the “gym-douche” that we all love to make fun of.   Maybe he’s a MENSA member and the nicest guy in the world but I can not think of a bigger and more lame Dallas cliche than that.  No one is going to tune into to watch a cliche that exists in every city in America.

I had  no idea who Courtney Kerr is. I still don’t. I will get around to Googling her.   There were nothing even remotely interesting about her story or views on the Dallas night life.  She doesn’t like meeting guys at clubs and doesn’t like when Matt’s nightclub harem disses her. Her parents have money.(which seems to be the only bonding factor of any of the participants)   I don’t know if that is what her real life is like, but what I saw was that she has no scripted identity of her own.  Any Dallas girl who’s parents have money could have played that part.  Why is that interesting?  Someone remind me.

Finally, Matt Nordgren.  Matt is a Dallas night life veteran and is used to having shitty things written about him. He probably set a record for appearances on the douchebag intensive web site, The Dirty before he got them to remove the ugly posts about him.  It’s hard to  defend or offend Matt.  He eats it up good and bad.  I met Matt years ago and consider us friends.   How did I meet him?  Doing the exact same thing he is doing on the show.  That of course says as much about the life I led at that time as it does about Matt. I am also much older than him so far be it for me to hammer him for being the kind of mack-daddy douchebag  as I was when I was his age.  That however is not unique.  While Matt may think himself unique and reality show worthy, there are a thousand “Matt’s” on the Dallas scene. Its nothing unique or compelling or “train wreckish”  ITS JUST BORING.   Frankly, as far as being a local lightening rod on the local scene appeal as someone people love to hate, Matt was probably the only good choice for the show.

There it is. Most Eligible Dallas has no chance.  All the better for Tara, Jody and everyone else to put it behind them as an experience and move on.

I purchased a new set of headphones at Best Buy. Mine died of natural causes. I am one of those people that cannot work out unless I am listening to something so it was imperative that I got a new set before my next workout. I thought I had it planned out perfectly. I would buy the headphones, run home, get my gym stuff and be ready to rock and roll!

I found a cool pair that I liked. I got them home. Everything was going as planned. I guess I never really noticed or thought about the fact that they were enclosed in this big thick plastic case. The kind that need to be opened with a phaser or a Jedi light saber. No big deal. I would just get the scissors out and I am ready to go. There were no scissors to be found.

So here we go… I ripped it with my hands, stomped it with my feet, tore it with my teeth, fed it to my dog, fed it to my cat, stabbed it, jabbed it, prayed over it and cursed it. It just smiled back at me laughing, still snugly encased in its plastic kryptonite home. Where is Superman when you need him? Finally in a fit of rage, I took a knife and wildly stabbed at. I completely missed it and impaled my hand. I screamed loudly and throw the package across the room. I heard my cat scream. I looked over and it had sliced off the end of her tail.

After I bandaged my hand, I picked up the cat and the headphones and headed for the vet. On the way to the vet I look at the headphones and they were still in their plastic case laughing at me. I decided that I would have the last laugh and tossed them onto the highway to face a gruesome end by tire squash.

I got my cats tail re-attached. I got my hand stitched and headed home. I was stopped at a red light and out of the corner of my eye I saw a homeless guy wearing my headphones and petting his cat. He was obviously smarter that I was!

I missed my workout.

Question to ponder? What is the point of these “kryptonite cases”? Medieval Chastity Belts were probably easier to break into. Somebody please tell me who invented it so I can send him or her my vet bill.

©2011 Brian Cuban

The  NBA Finals are in full force!  New hopes and  new players  driving the Mavs to what is hopefully their 1st NBA Championship.  But  on the social scene in Dallas, “singles season’’ never ends.   In preparation for the attendance surge at the after-game bars, clubs, see and be seen sports mackdaddies and 30k  douchebaggery,  I recently roamed the streets of Dallas checking out various nightspots while contemplating what he Larry O’Brien Trophy would look like gracing the corridors of the American Airlines Center.  I was stunned by the similarity between the Dallas singles scene and the the scene on the NBA hardcourt.  Life imitates art. Basketball imitates life. Especially in social interactions.

I saw all kinds (as I often do), not all of them enviable kinds. There were the 30K Millionaires, the Cougars, the GoldDiggers and the MackDaddy D-bags, and I saw all kinds of similarities between the social interactions I witnessed out on the singles scene and the great game of hoops.

Let’s lace up those high-tops for a walk onto the hardwood court of Dallas (and note that I believe it’s largely the same for any big-city nightlife where a basketball season is played out). There are no points for second place. The winners hit nothing but net while the losers head home alone and whine the next morning about how they gave their best. The only way you can only get a “clear path” to the basket” view of all this is if you are living outside the 3-point line.

To watch this game – and to maybe be more than a baseline season-ticket-holder — I had to re-learn all I knew about basketball and how it applied to the nightlife scene. Once I had finished learning the rules and different offensive (sometimes very offensive!) and defensive sets, a night out in Dallas became more entertaining than watching the NBA Finals.

Well, almost

In order to see what I saw and know what I know you have to have a basic understanding of basketball “terminology” as it applies to both the NBA and the nightclub scene. Once you have this understanding you will never look at a bar or nightclub in the same light. Here are some of the terms you need to understand:

“Palming”: The act of adjusting oneself in a nightclub right in front of your buddy/wingman and the hot girl you are talking to. This is a change in possession foul and you must now transfer possession of the hot girl to your buddy.

“Slam-dunk”: The last drunk girl in the bar at 2 a.m.

“Full Court Press’’: Within 15 minutes of meeting a girl in a bar you have given her your phone number, certified financial statement, recent HIV test and two round-trip tickets to Vegas for the next day. You’ve even sent her flowers… while still in the bar.

“Flagrant Foul”: At the very moment the hottest girl in the bar is handing you her telephone number, your best buddy, say, picks his nose. This is a two-shot foul. You retain possession. Your buddy must buy two shots of any drink you choose for you and any girl you want the rest of the night.

“Double-Double”: You figure it out…

“Triple Double”: U DA MAN!

“Clear Path Foul:’’ You picked up the hottest girl in the club. She has told you how much she wants you. You are on your way back to your place. She pukes all over your car.

“Fast Break”: You’ve just arrived, you have not even valeted the car yet and your buddy is coming out of the nightclub, hot girl on his arm.

“Traveling”: You live in Dallas. She lives in Fort Worth. This is a change-of-possession foul – but only if your buddy doesn’t care where she lives.

“24-Second Violation’’: You meet a hot girl. You spend the first 25 seconds talking about your millions in the bank, new Maserati, your listing on the Forbes 400 and your Gulfstream while your three roommates look on. This is also known as a “30K Millionaire Violation.” It is a turnover – she turns herself over to the next guy in the bar who actually owns a Maserati or Gulfstream.

“Double Dribble”: You forget to tie your shoes. Just as you are about to hand your girl her drink, you trip and spill both drinks on her. This is a change-in-possession foul as your buddy because your buddy uses it against you. She agrees and goes home with him.

“Back-Court Violation”: Your posse is in the club. You have drink in hand when you realize your driver was denied entrance because he wore tennis shoes, thus violating the dress-to-impress code.

“Alley-Oop”: Your buddy generously hands off to you that last drunk girl in the bar at 2 am. You are hoping to convert to a “slam dunk.’’

“Moving Screen”: Your buddy is not getting near that girl. She is going home with you!

“Blocking Foul”: Just as the hottest girl in the club is handing you her phone number … this is gonna be good. … your buddy approaches and and is nice enough to report that he found your wedding ring on the floor.

“Offensive Foul”: You had Italian for dinner. You’re about to kiss your girl goodnight — on the cheek, because you’re a gentleman — when you burp just a little. Is that a piece of spaghetti that’s landed on her cheek? Another turnover. To anybody. As long as it’s not you.

“Technical Foul”: She told you she was 21 when you bought her a drink. This is an ejection. A one-game suspension. And a timeout. … maybe to be spent in a 4×6 with bars.

“Offensive Rebound”: It is not your fault your buddy can’t close.

“Tip Off”: You spy something on her neck. It is suspicious. It appears that the attractive woman you are looking at has an Adam’s Apple.’’

“Two-Minute Warning”: It’s last call. You struck out. Your designated driver has left and you have no cab fare. Time for more “traveling.’’ Because you’re walking home.

There’s the rules of the game. And unlike the NBA regular season, which must come to again, in the nightlife scene, every weekend brings a playoff round!

©2011 Brian Cuban

The  NBA playoffs are  upon us!  New hopes and  new players  driving the Mavs to what is hopefully another trip into the NBA finals scene. But  on the social scene in Dallas, “singles season’’ never ends.   In preparation for another playoff round of  of after-game bars, clubs, see and be seen sports mackdaddies and douchebaggery, I recently roamed the streets of Dallas after the Mav’s home game, checking out various nightspots while contemplating what will hopefully be a great Mavs season. I wandered about, contemplating how we would make the playoffs, play deep in, and hopefully challenge again for that elusive Larry O’Brien NBA Championship Trophy.

At the same time, I was stunned by a similarity between singles scene as the NBA:

Life imitates art. Basketball imitates life. Especially in social interactions.

I saw all kinds (as I often do), not all of them enviable kinds. There were the 30K Millionaires, the Cougars, the GoldDiggers and the MackDaddy D-bags, and I saw all kinds of similarities between the social interactions I witnessed out on the singles scene and the great game of hoops.

Let’s lace up those high-tops for a walk onto the hardwood court of Dallas (and note that I believe it’s largely the same for any big-city nightlife where a basketball season is played out). There are no points for second place. The winners hit nothing but net while the losers head home alone and whine the next morning about how they gave their best. The only way you can only get a “clear path” to the basket” view of all this is if you are living outside the 3-point line.

To watch this game – and to maybe be more than a baseline season-ticket-holder — I had to re-learn all I knew about basketball and how it applied to the nightlife scene. Once I had finished learning the rules and different offensive (sometimes very offensive!) and defensive sets, a night out in Dallas became more entertaining than watching the NBA Finals.

Well, almost

In order to see what I saw and know what I know you have to have a basic understanding of basketball “terminology” as it applies to both the NBA and the nightclub scene. Once you have this understanding you will never look at a bar or nightclub in the same light. Here are some of the terms you need to understand:

“Palming”: The act of adjusting oneself in a nightclub right in front of your buddy/wingman and the hot girl you are talking to. This is a change in possession foul and you must now transfer possession of the hot girl to your buddy.

“Slam-dunk”: The last drunk girl in the bar at 2 a.m.

“Full Court Press’’: Within 15 minutes of meeting a girl in a bar you have given her your phone number, certified financial statement, recent HIV test and two round-trip tickets to Vegas for the next day. You’ve even sent flowers sent to the girl … while still in the bar.

“Flagrant Foul”: At the very moment the hottest girl in the bar is handing you her telephone number, your best buddy, say, picks his nose. This is a two-shot foul. You retain possession. Your buddy must buy two shots of any drink you choose for you and any girl you want the rest of the night.

“Double-Double”: You figure it out…

“Triple Double”: U DA MAN!

“Clear Path Foul:’’ You picked up the hottest girl in the club. She has told you how much she wants you. You are on your way back to your place. She pukes all over your car.

“Fast Break”: You’ve just arrived, you have not even valeted the car yet and your buddy is coming out of the nightclub, hot girl on his arm.

“Traveling”: You live in Dallas. She lives in Fort Worth. This is a change-of-possession foul – but only if your buddy doesn’t care where she lives.

“24-Second Violation’’: You meet a hot girl. You spend the first 25 seconds talking about your millions in the bank, new Maserati, your listing on the Forbes 400 and your Gulfstream while your three roommates look on. This is also known as a “30K Millionaire Violation.” It is a turnover – she turns herself over to the next guy in the bar who actually owns a Maserati or Gulfstream.

“Double Dribble”: You forget to tie your shoes. Just as you are about to hand your girl her drink, you trip and spill both drinks on her. This is a change-in-possession foul as your buddy because your buddy uses it against you. She agrees and goes home with him.

“Back-Court Violation”: Your posse is in the club. You have drink in hand when you realize your driver was denied entrance because he wore tennis shoes, thus violating the dress-to-impress code.

“Alley-Oop”: Your buddy generously hands off to you that last drunk girl in the bar at 2 am. You are hoping to convert to a “slam dunk.’’

“Moving Screen”: Your buddy is not getting near that girl. She is going home with you!

“Blocking Foul”: Just as the hottest girl in the club is handing you her phone number … this is gonna be good. … your buddy approaches and and is nice enough to report that he found your wedding ring on the floor.

“Offensive Foul”: You had Italian for dinner. You’re about to kiss your girl goodnight — on the cheek, because you’re a gentleman — when you burp just a little. Is that a piece of spaghetti that’s landed on her cheek? Another turnover. To anybody. As long as it’s not you.

“Technical Foul”: She told you she was 21 when you bought her a drink. This is an ejection. A one-game suspension. And a timeout. … maybe to be spent in a 4×6 with bars.

“Offensive Rebound”: It is not your fault your buddy can’t close.

“Tip Off”: You spy something on her neck. It is suspicious. It appears that the attractive woman you are looking at has an Adam’s Apple.’’

“Two-Minute Warning”: It’s last call. You struck out. Your designated driver has left and you have no cab fare. Time for more “traveling.’’ Because you’re walking home.

There’s the rules of the game. And unlike the NBA regular season, which must come to again, in the nightlife scene, every weekend brings a playoff round!

©2011 Brian Cuban