(CBN)The City of Pittsburgh, Pa, home of the Major League baseball team, the Pittsburgh Pirates is abuzz with shock and outrage over the discovery of secretly recorded meeting between between Pirates majority Owner  Robert Nutting and General Manager Neal Huntington .

The bizarre exchange occurred last year in Nutting’s office at the conclusion of the Pirates 3rd worst season in Club History finishing 57-105, leading to the firing of manager John Russell.  The outrage over their 18th consecutive losing season with no real hope for 2011 improvement prompted the recent front page headline, “WHO THE HELL ARE THESE GUYS” in the local Pittsburgh newspaper.

The following  is a transcript of the secretly recorded conversation:

Nutting: Come on in Neal, have a seat.

Huntington: I’m glad you called me in. I’m still unclear on a couple things about our team direction for 2011.

Nutting: Oh, really  Like what?

Huntington: Over the last few years we have traded away practically every decent player we have. Our rookies are not producing.  This was the the one of the worst Pirates teams ever and that’s saying something after 18 consecutive losing seasons.  I think Russell is going to quit and start selling Goodyears.   Who will manage the Pirates moving forward if he does?

Nutting: I was thinking of the Dos Equis Man. He will fit in quite well with our team concept.

Huntingdon: The Dos Equis Man?  You’re joking right?

Nutting: Wrong, my name is Robert, get it right.

Huntington: What exactly is our team concept?

Nutting: That’s what I wanted to talk to you about. I want to put together a team that will help us relocate to Cuba

Huntington: Cuba?  Your joking.

Nutting: I said my name is Robert.  I’m serious about this Neal.  It’s no secret I’ve never liked Pittsburgh much. The weathers lousy, the downtown is a pit, the stadium’s too small,we cant draw dick and no one is reading my crappy newspapers.  Another 2 years of this and I may need to start feeding  Ogden real dog food.

Huntington: You can’t just up and move a team on a whim!

Nutting: It’s hardly a whim.  Fidel has offered to build us a new stadium — 62,000   capacity, 45 V.I.P. boxes, and all rent to be subsided through sugar cane sales. No other franchise in baseball can match that deal.

Nutting: Whats more, Fidel has taken a liking to the Dos Equis Man.   Fidel personally told me he finds him incredibly interesting. Whats more, he looks like him.  He likes the commercials and thinks of him as the son he always wanted.  There is also a national Cuban Tequila brand rolling out that will provide some good marketing perks . I plan on offering Mr. Equis a long term contract to replace Russell.  Fidel will be the starting 1st baseman in Spring Training. The job’s his to lose.

Huntington: You cant be serious!  What about Clint Hurdle?  He is doing a good job for the Texas Rangers?

Nutting: I’m not serious, For the last time, my name is Robert, whats wrong with you.  Irregardless, it wont work, Hurdle looks nothing like Fidel.

Nutting: Whats more, we will be given the option of signing player development contracts with the parents of all promising Cuban prospects. We will have exclusive negotiating rights starting at 7 years old as well as their real birth certificates. We will corner the Cuban baseball talent market!

Huntington: Even so, the League and the City will never let us  leave Pittsburgh.  There is a lease and laws we have to deal with.

Nutting: I have that all figured out!  I have been pressing Bud Selig for an exhibition or regular season game in Cuba.  Bud is a Big fan of the Dos Equis guy.  Told me the other day how interesting he is.   While we are in Cuba, under my authority as owner and in the best interests of baseball, I will undertake a mass defection of the entire team.   The bottom line is that if we play bad enough no one will care if we defect and the players will love the sunny climate.

Huntington: You mean you want us to lose?

Nutting:  We’ve been losing.  I want us to finish dead last again and set an all time low attendance and loss record. I have been pouring over the numbers.  A 120+ losses is definitely within reach  this year. Speaking of which, I heard Mario Mendoza is making a comeback, offer him a 3 year deal and a free AARP membership.

Huntington: You are out of your mind!

Nutting: Well I still think print media is viable if that’s what you mean.

©2011 Brian Cuban

Cougars have been all over the news. Not the four legged kind. The 40+ female kind prowling the darkness of the night in search of the their prey. The 25-30 year old hard bodied pool boy playing the part of the 30k millionaire douche-bag. Polo sleeves rolled up.  Phony bank statement in back pocket. Leases the 60k Maserati while sharing an apartment with 4 roommates.  Tribal tattoo and a cheat card for local gangster rapper signs in the other pocket. The illusion becomes reality.  There are now multiple city based reality television shows touting the “attributes” of Cougars disguised as next-door type housewives.(who are they kidding)

In all the hubbub about Cougars and this declining economy I began to wonder to myself. What ever happened to the good old fashioned Gold Digger?  Are they shrinking in numbers?   The number of available millionaires has declined rapidly in this economic free-fall.  Did the fall of Bernie Madoff put them all out of business?   They are even forming support groups now. Former Hedge-Fund  and trust fund girlfriends trying to predict the next “Gold Digger Bubble”.   I heard that the Gold Diggers Association of America(GAA) had applied for federal bailout funds.

What has happened to the good old  20-30 year old hot bodied secretary by day, stripper by night, sharing an apartment with 4 roomies, three rented dresses and looking for all the sweetness and viagra us 45-65 year old sugar-daddies have to offer.   My home of Dallas, Texas was once the gold-digging capital of the world but now seems to have shifted to the big games of Cougars. I thought all was lost until I read this article(pdf) in Glamour Magazine.

The article is about this lady name Jennifer Binder. She is talking about her thoughts and experiences in having dated the multi-millionaire “ultimate big shot”, disgraced former Enron big wig, Jeff Skilling, who has been convicted of numerous crimes related to the Enron collapse and is currently serving a federal 24-year, 4-month prison sentence. As I read the article, it occurred to me that this Binder lady was really Ashley Dupre and Eliot Spitzer five years removed. I am not saying that Jennifer was a “call girl” in the literal sense of the word. She appears to be educated and fairly successful in her own right. That however does not disqualify her from gold-digger status.   If you could read between the lines what your really had was “The Goldigger’s Guide To The Galaxy”

I have been able to successfully decipher the galactic meaning of this article.  I am going to translate it for everyone by outlining what she says and giving my “take” as to the universal meaning for all “GDITs” (Gold Diggers In Training). Here are her quotes from the article and what she was really saying after applying my Star Trek Universal Translator:

Binder: “Jeff did indeed fly me to England for our first date; later he bought me jewelry and even helped with the down-payment on my house”

Galactic Translation: I am a professional gold-digger. I have no other means of support. I would not even look at you twice unless you had a “Gulfstream” waiting to whisk me off to an exotic location that went over one ocean or the other before we landed.

Binder: “that (the money) really blinded me to the age difference…”

Galactic Translation: Unlike Cougars, professional Gold Diggers have no age requirements. If you are 90 years old and still breathing, I’m all yours if that Gulfstream is fueled and ready. If you’re a trust fund baby, I will “babysit” you until you are old enough to appreciate Cougars.

Binder: “Greed is not good for a relationship”

Galactic Translation: Lots of money will kill a relationship if you no longer have it.

Binder: “If it seems like has something to hide, he has something to hide”

Galactic Translation: If you pay for my condo; seed my bank account; buy my Lexus and fly me to London every week for dinner, I don’t care if you are a ponzi king, hiding eight ex-wives, five illegitimate children, and are a registered sex offender.

Binder: “When friends don’t have anything nice to say about your boyfriend, listen”

Galactic Translation: If he is doing all of the above, WHO NEED FRIENDS!

Binder: “You really can learn from every experience”

Galactic Translation: When you have your next billionaire ‘”mark” in your sites, and he is about to be indicted for anything or pass away from old age, get as many assets as possible including the jet, transferred to your name before he goes to jail or dies.

There you have it. There is no longer any need to take Dramamine every night to combat pole swinging motion sickness. Follow the simple rules above and the world of rich geezers, Ponzi Kings  and insider trading felons is yours for the taking.

©2010 Brian Cuban

“It’s Better To Fake It Than To Make It” -“Trent Monica”, Dallas, Texas Hairstylist and self proclaimed “King Of The 30KM Circuit.”

I recently had the opportunity after a Dallas Mavericks game to sit down with Trent Monica. Trent is a Dallas Hair stylist. He is also the self proclaimed “King Of The 30k Millionaires” otherwise known as the “30kM circuit” He reluctantly agreed to be interviewed regarding his embracing of the 30km lifestyle and his secrets to success as well as his skilled technique in 30km deception.

Here is what Trent had to say regarding the mystique and myths surrounding lifestyle embraced by Jack In The Box managers across the country and dreaded by unsuspecting women -the 30k Millionaire.

“Make no mistake, being a successful 30KM is hard work. You have to do your homework. You have to create a perception that will survive beyond the 2 a.m last call”

So how you can you be the Lebron James of the 30KM maxed out credit card circuit? If you follow these simple rules you can “Out-3oKM” the competition. You can fake your way through beautiful women, comped casino rooms, free private jets and VIP treatment at the hottest spots in town. You can basically enjoy the benefits of all that Bernie Madoff enjoyed without the hassles of ownership or prison.

1. KNOW YOUR TOWN

“I am on a first name basis with almost every VIP doorman, bouncer and head bartender in Dallas.”

I have the same relationships with VIP hosts in most of the major Vegas clubs. It is an urban myth that you have to slip major coin to these types for preferential treatment. That is just not true. It is more important to be unique and engaging. You may have to pad the paycheck a couple times but if you add conversation, personality and hot women to those encounters you will be remembered. You will never have to wait in line again. You will be a VIP without cost of membership. it works.

2. BEFRIEND LOTS OF FEMALES

“Good looking women attract other good looking women” .

More importantly, they attract guys willing to shell out for VIP bottle service and dinner tabs to have a shot of going home with one of them even if they don’t know you from Adam Schmockle or Dirk Nowitzki

Regardless of your income level, the opportunities to befriend women abound. In the course of my job as a hairstylist, I am surrounded by women all day long. I engage them on multiple levels. I don’t hit on them. I become their friend, not their date. My goal is to be a BGF (Best Guy Friend).

This is where many amateur 30KM wannabes go terribly wrong. They forget what the ultimate goal is. They can not keep it in their pants. They forget the 30KM Golden Rule.

What is the golden Rule? If you want to be up there with me as a 30KM God, Don’t S**t Where You Drink! I bring at least 3 of my hottest BFF’s (Best Female Friends) to any gathering.

” Lets say we are at the club and one of my girls gets asked to come over to a table, she knows that this is a package deal. We all get introduced, and what do you know this 30KM god is sitting at a table drinking Perrier Jouet Rose, and Dom P. It works every time.”

3. GET GREAT SEATS AT SPORTING EVENTS

“You do not have to be related to the owner of a sports franchise to score good, babe impressing seats to a game.“

There is nothing better than being seen sitting on the floor at a Dallas Mavericks game. This may still seem like a stretch for an aspiring 30KM, but not if you do your homework.

Track seats on eBay and StubHub. Look for seats to weekday games against opponents who are not that good. The seats will almost always be cheaper. You also want to be seen on the JumboTron or even better on local or national television. Once in your seats, find the camera guy who works the big screen. Strike up a conversation. Let him know your are there with a hot girl. Be sure she says hello to him. Be sure when you go to your seat she makes some kind of physical departing contact such as a touch on the arm. You WILL end up in High Definition on the arena big screen.

People will see you with those seats and will automatically think you have money. If you know people with great seats either at work or socially drop hints. You would be surprised how many times primo seats to off games go unused.

“Last season I had 50 yard line lower level suits seats to every Dallas Cowboys game in the new Stadium”

You may think that the Cowboy’s struggles make it more difficult to sell that to a hottie but you are wrong!  The allure of the  50 or a suite at Jerry World is there regardless of whether the game itself will be a total ass-whip. Nightclub hotties eat it up.   Now did I pay for those?   Of course not. I get them from rich friends. Do you know any ladies that would go with someone else to a game and sit outside in shitty seats with 2o dollar beers when they can sit inside, get free food, drinks and watch the game in comfort? It’s a no-brainer.”

4. PRE-PARTY PRE-DRINKS

There is always going to be a slow night or two where you are going to have to shell out some of your own coin. A true 30KM knows the off nights at the hot spots around town. If you don’t want to go the Chinese takeout route those nights and still be successful the keys are preparation and damage control.

“The goal is to conserve funds while maintaining maximum “fake“.

You can get nice and buttered up before you even get to the club.(I Never Drink and Drive) Once in the club you already have your swerve on. Order one drink for yourself and you’re set. Nurse your drink!

You can also try the pre-party happy hour. Get one of your rich buds to at least have a happy hour at his penthouse pad even if he does not want to make it a long night. More often that not he will be up for having the party come to him versus the effort of hitting the club. Its a lot less expensive to buy the alcohol yourself before you go out and get their swerve on as well. This can save you up to 50 percent in bar tab expense. There is also a 50/50 shot that by the time you and your hotties are ready to hit the town, your rich buddy has changed his mind and comes along. Problem solved!

“Once again many wannabe 30KM’s make mistakes here.”

They forget why they are in the club. They live the night between their legs, buying drinks for every hot girl. They go home alone with a maxed out credit card. I would rather go home alone with my status as the king of the 30KM circuit in tact, new BFF’s made,and live to fight another day. Most importantly, I did not blow my pocket roll or my limited credit.

These amateurs watch too many movies. They have not learned that buying women drinks in itself never gets you laid unless its the last 2.am skank at the bar. They have also not learned that buying invidual drinks does not get noticed by anyone that matters. The true play is in the VIP bottle service area. Everything else is minor league.

“On a night where none of the rich friends are going out, pre-drinking is key”

5. CONTENT IS KING

This is the single most important rule of being a 30k millionaire. You have to Act As If. If you cannot speak/act/look the part, you are doomed to failure. Being able to speak to women, club owners, wealthy people or anybody else that is VIP is so important. What’s funny about this rule is that it is intertwined with all the others. The less you talk about what you have the better. Let people perceive what you have and how you live your life, not go out of your way to tell people about it. If you have to tell them you have money, you have lost the game already. You will immediately be tagged as a 30KM wannabe.

6. BEFRIEND WEALTHY PEOPLE

“I have always surrounded myself with wealthy people.”

People that are really wealthy sometimes get enjoyment out of seeing less fortunate people enjoy themselves in ways they would never be able to. This opens up a world of 30KM opportunities. Befriending wealthy people has allowed me to travel extensively, hardly ever forking out for more than airfare.

7. LOOK THE PART!

This is a key component of a successful 30KM. Obviously, if you’re only making around 30k or less, you’re not going to be able to buy a BMW, but you can lease one. With a little research you can find people on countless online web sites trying to get out of their leases with no credit check.

If you are like me ,you are also not going to be able to afford a sick condo in city unless you have four roommates. This again is where rich friends with plush pads come in. If you have 3 roomies and your buddy has a downtown penthouse, common sense dictates where the party should be.

“Replica is another word that most 30KM’s are really intimately familiar with.”

Replica Cartier, 2 karat stud earrings, Louis Vuittion wallet. These are all mainstays of the 30KM wardrobe. Most who tell you they can spot the difference are lying. In reality, unless its your wife, girlfriend, or another 30KM, no one is checking that closely regardless.

“When I lived in Scottsdale I leased a BMW 330i. Of course the subject never came up if it was owned or leased so that was an easy one to get away with. On my trips to Mexico I was able to pick up a knock-off Cartier watch that was a dead ringer. Even my wealthy friends who had them couldn’t tell, I think the one I picked up was $40. My condo in downtown Scottsdale was just sick, of course it was only 3 bedrooms with 4 people living there, but it worked. Whatever person had girls coming back would get a bedroom, the odd man out got the couch. Other than a couple of close calls, this worked to perfection.”

8. DON’T BE LIKE OTHER 30KMs!

This is where I stand out above and beyond all other 30km. I have never been caught, and never will! I never go out of my way to let people know what I have (or what I don’t have). I let them see for themselves. If you are low key, no one asks. When they do, depending if I am in town, or out of it, is when my stories can be a little more far fetched. The fact that I am appealing to the opposite sex is a bonus. If you have average or below average looks, you need to be that much more personally engaging and dependent on other women If you have 3 hot women on your arm, no one is going to be looking at you when you all sit down in the VIP bottle service section.

9. WATCH OUT FOR THE 30KM WANNABE!

“This is a 30KM idiot is a dangerous wild card.”

Their fake is easily spotted as bullshit. They put everyone else on their guard, making it harder for a true professional 30KM to operate. This type of 30KM idiot will join in on a conversation, pull a bank statement out of his back pocket and challenge you to a balance contest. He will try to force a seat at the VIP table with lame ass lines even a hottie at her drunkest would not believe. When you are in the middle of this type of situation, the best thing to do is avoid a confrontation. Defuse the situation. Pack up your girls and leave the area for a bit. The money guys will get the message and jettison the 30KM idiots. You can then return women and primo 30KM king status in- tact.

10. FAKE IT UNTIL YOU MAKE IT

I would hope that even the most skilled and successful 3oKM’s would not want to remain a 30KM forever. My goal as a 30KM has always been to surround myself with wealthy people, and who knows what may come from it. It’s not about what you know or what you make, its about who you know and what they make..

“Good Luck And Good Faking!”

With Christmas around the corner, It is time for my new WTF Skymall list.

Anyone who has flown almost any commercial airlines more than a few times is intimately familiar with Skymall magazine. Skymall is required browsing for any airline travel warrior.

It is a magazine of gadgets, oddities, collectible and future garage sale items that are supposed to make our lives easier, more enjoyable or simply give you an excuse to open up an EBay account. When do we reach the reach the upper limits of our 3o Thousand feet boredom and finally read Skymall cover to cover? Here are a few reasons:

When you are stuck on a flight with no Wi-Fi;

When you have read American Way Magazine cover to cover, and are upset that someone else has done the crossword puzzle and you failed the MENSA quiz;

When you have mooched and read the US Magazine, USA today and Better Homes and Gardens from the passenger in the seat next to you;

When the baby next to you is screaming uncontrollably and you need a distraction with the only things left to read being the barf bag and the card that reminds you of what won’t save your life if your plane goes down.

When you have done all of the above you finally pull Skymall out of the seat-back pocket.

The effect of Skymall magazine on the enjoyability of a flight is not to be taken lightly. Have my fellow frequent-flyers not also experienced that irritated knot in the stomach and let out an exasperated sigh when you excitedly pull out the Skymall mag and see that it is the same issue that you read on the last flight? How many times can we look at a Rosetta Stone ad and try to convince ourselves that it would be useful to learn Pashto?

I have on many a flight gone through every item in the magazine analyzing its cost-benefit to society and simply wondering who would be stupid enough to actually buy a Indoor Dog Restroom. Is there really an impulse buy at 30k feet?

On a recent flight I was excited to see that there was a new edition of Skymall. The Holiday Edition. With X-mas right around the corner and needing to make a list and check it twice, what better place to start than Skymall and its 240 plus pages of very cool to very weird gadgets and gifts for the traveler who has everything and the gift recipient who will say thanks but will really be thinking WTF!

Here are my top 10 WTF Skymall gifts for Christmas:

Living and Dallas, and suffering through one of the worst Dallas Cowboys seasons in history, this item caught me eye:

The NFL Crouching Lineman Bubba.  At just 5 feet, Bubba may be too small to make difference  but he certainly has the look of a winner.  At 139.00 Bubba is a much better deal than the overpriced inflatables that currently crouch the Cowboys offensive line.  If I buy five Bubbas and donate them to the Cowboys maybe Jerry Jones will give me an ownership interest.  Grab yours today because the way the Cowboys are playing Bubba will be going free agent next year.

The Underwater Cell Phone System(1,790.00) It advertises as follows:

With the Alpha UWCP, talk with someone 15,000 miles away while diving a tropical reef or in your pool! This complete and sophisticated communication diving system can do it.

I still can not figure this out. Is this in case you get drunk and go overboard on a cruise ship? What’s more, do you really need an underwater phone to make a call from your swimming pool? Spend 50 bucks on a waterproof case instead! Maybe this is a big seller in the treasure hunter profession. At almost $1800.00 we may not see this in many garage sales but I have no doubt one will turn up inside a shark one day.

Toppik Hair Building Fibers Being follically challenged and having often thought of coughing up the big bucks for the Bosley Clinic, this item caught my attention. I frankly thought that this stuff went the way of the “As Seen On TV” Ronco Veg-o-matic and Ginsu knives. It advertises:

Many A-list celebrities use Toppik to enhance their image, on screen and off. Hollywood stars trust Toppik. It’s undetectable, even in close ups and stays on through wind, rain and perspiration.

Even more interesting to me than whether it works are these mysterious “A-List” celebs. I want to know what celebrities will admit to spray painting their heads. TMZ should get on this immediately. Conspicuously missing was a disclaimer that Toppic should not be used by people who are color-blind. I smell a lawsuit…

Old Yankee Stadium Seat. (799.00) A used seat from the old Yankee Stadium. Unless Babe Ruth or some other Yankee legend sat in it or autographed it, this is a WTF item. It is however is certainly more reasonable than a seat a the new Yankee Stadium. My advice is to pay the 799.00 for this seat, put it in front of your big screen and MLB package. You can then laugh at the suckers who coughed up tens of thousands of dollars to sit in something that they will be able to buy for about 800.00 in the 2040 Skymall Holiday edition.

Remote Controlled Tarantula. Any adult that buys this for himself has repressed violent tendencies. If he is buying it for his kid, what message is this supposed to send? Terrorize your fellow children with big disgusting bugs? Nice. I am so weirded out by spiders that just picture of this gives me the willies. This faux spider would not last five minutes in my house. Survival reflex would take over and it would be squashed into 1000 bits of circuits and switches

Oil Extractor(69.95) They advertise this like it is the common thing to do to crawl under your own car and change your own oil. The ad states:

“This is How Mercedes Factory trained techs change oil”

Well isn’t that why we don’t crawl under our own cars and let them do it ? A Mercedes owner that changes his/her own oil?  That is a WTF in itself.

The King Tutankhamens Egyptian Throne Chair(895.00)

Our artists capture every detail when they recreated this attention-demanding, full-size replica throne from King Tut’s 3,500-year-old museum original in Cairo. This substantial designer resin work of furniture art is exquisitely hand-painted in the rich palette of Egypt and features real gold leaf.

Maybe this is the impulse buy for the Trans-Atlantic flights that show The Ten Commandments. So it shall be written, so it shall be done…

Basho The Sumo Wrestler (95.00). “Basho crouches in his mawashi (Sumo belt) in these intricate sculpts with wide stances. This Toscano-exclusive heavyweight is cast in quality designer resin for display in home or garden.”

If you are looking for an easy way out of your marriage simply give Basho to your wife for Christmas or place him a center piece on the dinner table right after she has told you she feels like she needs to lose a few pounds… On the other hand, I only glanced at him for a second and immediately renewed my gym membership. At 95 bucks it beats the hell out of lipo.

Electronic Listening Device. (59.95) “Powerful enough to capture distant sounds from 300 feet away. Zoom in and see what you’re hearing. Sounds and images impossible for the human ears and eyes to pick up now seem as if you’re only a couple of feet away. This secret surveillance device is perfect for when you really need to know what’s going on.”

The perfect gift for the soon to be divorcing couple so they can spy on each other. If your spouse or significant other suddenly turns up with this gadget and tells you it is to pick up “bird sounds” you should be suspicious. Do you really want to be with someone who has those kind of voyeuristic tendencies? This would be a much bigger seller as a “his and hers” so you can spy on each other.

Head Spa Massager. I am not really sure what to say about this.  From the photo it appears that you can either massage your head, audition for alien guest spot on Star Trek, remove Spock’s brain, or prepare for the invasion of Troy.  A great combination of options at 49.95.

Last but not least. Are you still wondering who would be stupid enough to buy the Indoor Dog Restroom? Wonder no more. It was me. Yes I was suckered into the Skymall impulse world of future garage sale items. Was my dog happy to do her business on her new AstroTurf? The answer was yes but it was not the business I expected.

What they don’t tell you is that for this to work you have to have your dog piss in a cup and pour it on the turf so she gets the scent. I dutifully followed the instructions. I poured her “business” on the fake grass. My dog walked right over to it, looked up at me and took a dump on the AstroTurf. I am still trying to fumigate my apartment. WTF!!