(CBN)The City of Pittsburgh, Pa, home of the Major League baseball team, the Pittsburgh Pirates is abuzz with shock and outrage over the discovery of secretly recorded meeting between between Pirates majority Owner Robert Nutting and General Manager Neal Huntington .
The bizarre exchange occurred last year in Nutting’s office at the conclusion of the Pirates 3rd worst season in Club History finishing 57-105, leading to the firing of manager John Russell. The outrage over their 18th consecutive losing season with no real hope for 2011 improvement prompted the recent front page headline, “WHO THE HELL ARE THESE GUYS” in the local Pittsburgh newspaper.
The following is a transcript of the secretly recorded conversation:
Nutting: Come on in Neal, have a seat.
Huntington: I’m glad you called me in. I’m still unclear on a couple things about our team direction for 2011.
Nutting: Oh, really Like what?
Huntington: Over the last few years we have traded away practically every decent player we have. Our rookies are not producing. This was the the one of the worst Pirates teams ever and that’s saying something after 18 consecutive losing seasons. I think Russell is going to quit and start selling Goodyears. Who will manage the Pirates moving forward if he does?
Nutting: I was thinking of the Dos Equis Man. He will fit in quite well with our team concept.
Huntingdon: The Dos Equis Man? You’re joking right?
Nutting: Wrong, my name is Robert, get it right.
Huntington: What exactly is our team concept?
Nutting: That’s what I wanted to talk to you about. I want to put together a team that will help us relocate to Cuba
Huntington: Cuba? Your joking.
Nutting: I said my name is Robert. I’m serious about this Neal. It’s no secret I’ve never liked Pittsburgh much. The weathers lousy, the downtown is a pit, the stadium’s too small,we cant draw dick and no one is reading my crappy newspapers. Another 2 years of this and I may need to start feeding Ogden real dog food.
Huntington: You can’t just up and move a team on a whim!
Nutting: It’s hardly a whim. Fidel has offered to build us a new stadium — 62,000 capacity, 45 V.I.P. boxes, and all rent to be subsided through sugar cane sales. No other franchise in baseball can match that deal.
Nutting: Whats more, Fidel has taken a liking to the Dos Equis Man. Fidel personally told me he finds him incredibly interesting. Whats more, he looks like him. He likes the commercials and thinks of him as the son he always wanted. There is also a national Cuban Tequila brand rolling out that will provide some good marketing perks . I plan on offering Mr. Equis a long term contract to replace Russell. Fidel will be the starting 1st baseman in Spring Training. The job’s his to lose.
Huntington: You cant be serious! What about Clint Hurdle? He is doing a good job for the Texas Rangers?
Nutting: I’m not serious, For the last time, my name is Robert, whats wrong with you. Irregardless, it wont work, Hurdle looks nothing like Fidel.
Nutting: Whats more, we will be given the option of signing player development contracts with the parents of all promising Cuban prospects. We will have exclusive negotiating rights starting at 7 years old as well as their real birth certificates. We will corner the Cuban baseball talent market!
Huntington: Even so, the League and the City will never let us leave Pittsburgh. There is a lease and laws we have to deal with.
Nutting: I have that all figured out! I have been pressing Bud Selig for an exhibition or regular season game in Cuba. Bud is a Big fan of the Dos Equis guy. Told me the other day how interesting he is. While we are in Cuba, under my authority as owner and in the best interests of baseball, I will undertake a mass defection of the entire team. The bottom line is that if we play bad enough no one will care if we defect and the players will love the sunny climate.
Huntington: You mean you want us to lose?
Nutting: We’ve been losing. I want us to finish dead last again and set an all time low attendance and loss record. I have been pouring over the numbers. A 120+ losses is definitely within reach this year. Speaking of which, I heard Mario Mendoza is making a comeback, offer him a 3 year deal and a free AARP membership.
Huntington: You are out of your mind!
Nutting: Well I still think print media is viable if that’s what you mean.
©2011 Brian Cuban