The  NBA playoffs are  upon us!  New hopes and  new players  driving the Mavs to what is hopefully another trip into the NBA finals scene. But  on the social scene in Dallas, “singles season’’ never ends.   In preparation for another playoff round of  of after-game bars, clubs, see and be seen sports mackdaddies and douchebaggery, I recently roamed the streets of Dallas after the Mav’s home game, checking out various nightspots while contemplating what will hopefully be a great Mavs season. I wandered about, contemplating how we would make the playoffs, play deep in, and hopefully challenge again for that elusive Larry O’Brien NBA Championship Trophy.

At the same time, I was stunned by a similarity between singles scene as the NBA:

Life imitates art. Basketball imitates life. Especially in social interactions.

I saw all kinds (as I often do), not all of them enviable kinds. There were the 30K Millionaires, the Cougars, the GoldDiggers and the MackDaddy D-bags, and I saw all kinds of similarities between the social interactions I witnessed out on the singles scene and the great game of hoops.

Let’s lace up those high-tops for a walk onto the hardwood court of Dallas (and note that I believe it’s largely the same for any big-city nightlife where a basketball season is played out). There are no points for second place. The winners hit nothing but net while the losers head home alone and whine the next morning about how they gave their best. The only way you can only get a “clear path” to the basket” view of all this is if you are living outside the 3-point line.

To watch this game – and to maybe be more than a baseline season-ticket-holder — I had to re-learn all I knew about basketball and how it applied to the nightlife scene. Once I had finished learning the rules and different offensive (sometimes very offensive!) and defensive sets, a night out in Dallas became more entertaining than watching the NBA Finals.

Well, almost

In order to see what I saw and know what I know you have to have a basic understanding of basketball “terminology” as it applies to both the NBA and the nightclub scene. Once you have this understanding you will never look at a bar or nightclub in the same light. Here are some of the terms you need to understand:

“Palming”: The act of adjusting oneself in a nightclub right in front of your buddy/wingman and the hot girl you are talking to. This is a change in possession foul and you must now transfer possession of the hot girl to your buddy.

“Slam-dunk”: The last drunk girl in the bar at 2 a.m.

“Full Court Press’’: Within 15 minutes of meeting a girl in a bar you have given her your phone number, certified financial statement, recent HIV test and two round-trip tickets to Vegas for the next day. You’ve even sent flowers sent to the girl … while still in the bar.

“Flagrant Foul”: At the very moment the hottest girl in the bar is handing you her telephone number, your best buddy, say, picks his nose. This is a two-shot foul. You retain possession. Your buddy must buy two shots of any drink you choose for you and any girl you want the rest of the night.

“Double-Double”: You figure it out…

“Triple Double”: U DA MAN!

“Clear Path Foul:’’ You picked up the hottest girl in the club. She has told you how much she wants you. You are on your way back to your place. She pukes all over your car.

“Fast Break”: You’ve just arrived, you have not even valeted the car yet and your buddy is coming out of the nightclub, hot girl on his arm.

“Traveling”: You live in Dallas. She lives in Fort Worth. This is a change-of-possession foul – but only if your buddy doesn’t care where she lives.

“24-Second Violation’’: You meet a hot girl. You spend the first 25 seconds talking about your millions in the bank, new Maserati, your listing on the Forbes 400 and your Gulfstream while your three roommates look on. This is also known as a “30K Millionaire Violation.” It is a turnover – she turns herself over to the next guy in the bar who actually owns a Maserati or Gulfstream.

“Double Dribble”: You forget to tie your shoes. Just as you are about to hand your girl her drink, you trip and spill both drinks on her. This is a change-in-possession foul as your buddy because your buddy uses it against you. She agrees and goes home with him.

“Back-Court Violation”: Your posse is in the club. You have drink in hand when you realize your driver was denied entrance because he wore tennis shoes, thus violating the dress-to-impress code.

“Alley-Oop”: Your buddy generously hands off to you that last drunk girl in the bar at 2 am. You are hoping to convert to a “slam dunk.’’

“Moving Screen”: Your buddy is not getting near that girl. She is going home with you!

“Blocking Foul”: Just as the hottest girl in the club is handing you her phone number … this is gonna be good. … your buddy approaches and and is nice enough to report that he found your wedding ring on the floor.

“Offensive Foul”: You had Italian for dinner. You’re about to kiss your girl goodnight — on the cheek, because you’re a gentleman — when you burp just a little. Is that a piece of spaghetti that’s landed on her cheek? Another turnover. To anybody. As long as it’s not you.

“Technical Foul”: She told you she was 21 when you bought her a drink. This is an ejection. A one-game suspension. And a timeout. … maybe to be spent in a 4×6 with bars.

“Offensive Rebound”: It is not your fault your buddy can’t close.

“Tip Off”: You spy something on her neck. It is suspicious. It appears that the attractive woman you are looking at has an Adam’s Apple.’’

“Two-Minute Warning”: It’s last call. You struck out. Your designated driver has left and you have no cab fare. Time for more “traveling.’’ Because you’re walking home.

There’s the rules of the game. And unlike the NBA regular season, which must come to again, in the nightlife scene, every weekend brings a playoff round!

©2011 Brian Cuban

Just checked out the 2012 U.S News and Law Report Law School Rankings.  I don’t  know why I look anymore.  It is not like my alma mater, Pitt Law is going to suddenly appear at number 15, 25, or even 50, nor would  it make any practical difference to me 25 years later if they did.  Maybe it’s the car wreck theory.  Maybe it’s envy of all the schools above me that are, well …above me.

For whatever reason, possibly including my and other grads refusal to fund their run at mediocrity because of the shitty way we were treated as law students, Pitt  is stagnant.  Adding insult to injury, a rival in-state law school, Penn State(Dickinson) has made steady progress and passed Pitt’s stagnant #71 bathwater position to a #60 tier one ranking.  This means nothing to the Yale, Stanford, Texas and others big timers in the rankings who view us as irrelevant wannabees but if you went or go to either Pitt or Penn State you get me. The rivalry goes from top to bottom.  The next thing you know they will be knocking off  Pitt in the NCAA basketball tournament. That bathwater is getting awfully rank.

Last Friday,  I was driving from Dallas to Austin to speak at South By Southwest.  I was listening to 105.3 The Fan, a Dallas sports talk radio show hosted by Newy Scruggs.  The hot sports topic of the moment was the abrupt departure of Chuck Greenberg from the Texas Rangers.  The hot international news topic was of course the earthquake and tsunami in Japan.  This was a sports station so the topic was sports and Chuck Greenburg.

As you might expect, Newy put several insider guests on-air to voice their opinion of why Greenberg was leaving. One particular guest was a guy named Richie Whitt, a writer for the local free paper, The Dallas Observer.

At one point in the dialogue,  Richie stated that Greenberg’s leaving caused the earthquake in Japan.  A lame and insensitive attempt at humor.  My jaw dropped.  People were dying by the thousands and he was using their suffering as the spring board for a Texas Rangers joke. When I got to Austin, I hit Newy up on  his Facebook and let him know what I thought about Whitt’s crack. In fairness to Newy, there is nothing he could have done. I suspect Whitt did not give him a heads up of his tasteless intent. When I got back to Dallas, I used Twitter to let Whitt know what I thought about his tasteless joke.  He basically told me to fuck-off, seeing nothing wrong with his remark.

Since the quake occurred, numerous examples have been reported of public persona insensitivity to the tragic events of the last week. The most recent being the shocking tweets of WNBA player Cappy Pondexter and comedian Gilbert Gottfried.  That is not to say I live in a glass house.  At 50 years old, there may be past statements I have made exhibiting insensitivity towards the suffering of others that I wish I had not.  If someone finds one or if I think of one I will take ownership of it.

Why is it that in times of great human suffering, there are those of us that feel the need to belittle that suffering to their own benefit or pile on with ignorance.  What is gained?  What’s the thought process?  How does that validate if there is a need for validation?  Is the need for schadenfreude part of the human condition?   I can’t figure it out.

Here is the player’s class action anti-trust lawsuit against the NFL.  I have not had a chance to read it yet.   Enjoy.