I am also aware of the eleventh tradition about anonymity.  I however, believe that no one has the right to tell me how I handle my own program.  If I want to out myself for whatever reason, or no reason at all, that is my right.  There are those in AA who disagree with me.  They believe that we should tell no one  unless asked.  That’s their right.  Every time I write about my sobriety,  I get angry emails and comments from those who take the that position.  Reasonable people can disagree.  One thing I think we all agree on however,  is that NO ONE (except Radar Online) has the right to take away someone’s  anonymity.  To out someone for financial exploitation gain to a tabloid is is especially despicable.  There can also be consequences. It could affect employment offers and bonding rates to hire him for a film.

This is what was done to actor Jason Segel by RadarOnline and whoever their “source” was.  If Jason want’s to out himself as someone who attends Alcoholics Anonymous,  that is his right, but to out him publicly is  outrageous. I can’t say that I am surprised. We live in a tabloid culture in which there are no privacy barriers.  Where all potentially embarrassing  information is broken down to a dollar value, even at the expense of the mental health of those who want nothing more than to free themselves from addiction. I could go into a long rant on this but I will just say, shame on Radar Online and shame on the person who either was in the meeting and outed him, or followed him for the purpose of outing him. You are lower than low.

“I was tired of looking old, fat, and ugly.” (see video below)

Reasonable people can debate Terry’s own evaluation of his looks and the “joke value” of the line. The problem is that the was not speaking at a social gathering telling football war stories or by the water cooler talking to his buds at the network. The words had an agenda. Terry’s words may have been in the first person but the sales message was clear. The intent was for the viewer to make a mental connection between being fat and being ugly.  The real message:

If YOU are overweight, YOU  are also ugly. Use our product and YOU will be  healthy, thin and attractive.

I am not talking about being politically correct.  Believe it or not,  I have a sense of humor.  I however, am also intimately aware of the power of words.  Fat and ugly where thrown at me numerous times during my childhood and teens.  The gift of words to me was a lifetime battling Body Dysmorphic Disorder.  The claim that because someone is overweight, they are also ugly/ unattractive is a terrible and harmful stereotype to promote.

I am talking about Nutrisystem,  in the same vein of promoting healthy weight loss, also playing to unhealthy, false body image stereotypes.  It is undisputed that these stereotypes play a role in unhealthy eating habits and eating disorders. “I am fat so I therefore am also ugly”   The only way to be attractive is to lose weight.  I must binge, I must starve, I must purge.  Seem ironic?

Shame on Nutrisystem.  They are  speaking out of both sides of their “mouth”  talking about a healthy lifestyle yet at the same type perpetuating false body-image stereotypes to sell their product.

About 4 months ago,  I started getting Direct Messages(DM’s) from “Verified Accounts. It told me to click on a link.  That link took me to a page that told me that if I answered a few basic questions about Twitter and gave a phone number I would be verified.  My reaction?  YEA RIGHT!  SCAM!   I thought it was a scam to get my cell phone number  and start bombarding me with ” Big Butt Suzie” XXX porn texts.  I got these DM’s for a couple weeks. I deleted them. I went about my business tweeting, blocking and arguing.

About a month after that, I logged into the Twitter web-based application. This time there was a banner  from Twitter seamlessly integrated into my web browser again asking me if I wanted to get verified.  This looked legit.  I decided to go for it.  This time I did not have to answer any basic questions about how to use Twitter.  It simply asked for my phone number.  I entered it and the coveted blue check-mark appeared on my account. I was “verified”.   Why did they choose me?  I don’t have a freaking clue.  What does that mean?  In reality, not much at all.  My followers did not increase 10-fold.  No interview requests from major media outlets based on my new status.  My hemorrhoids did not go away.   I was the same old guy.  Tweeting, arguing, blocking, getting blocked and being a general douche at times when people annoy me.

So how do you get verified?  I will leave it to the  self-appointed  social media gurus, mavens and rock-stars to outline all the gyrations and useless social media “techniques” that will help you increase your chances of that happening.  I am here to tell you that in the end, except for some  specific impersonation issues, it doesn’t mean squat.

Have a nice day!

A story played out all too often.

Night out on the town. We’re partying down. Too much to drink. No condition to think. I grab hold of the wheel.  Behind 2 tons of steel.  Lives ended and ruined. I’m under arrest. My friend’s in the morgue. I thought I knew best. -Brian Cuban ©2012

I am a recovering alcoholic and drug addict. Sober since April 8, 2007.

What about adults? Can they be bullied?  The short answer is yes.  Even an adult can be in a position of unequal power that forces him/her to endure repetitive taunts whether its in the workplace, a relationship etc.  The bully is still easy to spot.  Unlike children however, adults generally have the gift of advanced reason and knowledge of options to deal with it.

With the advent of social media “bullying” has taken on a whole new meaning.  People who say ugly things are now hidden behind  Facebook pages and Twitter eggs.   Hurtful insults are slung with a keystroke.  It’s much easier and repetitive than stealing lunch money.  Because of the ease of the repetitive keystroke, bullying has now taken on the broad based social media meaning of whatever hurts our feelings. Everyone  becomes a “bully” when they say something unpleasant.  This new concept of bullying irritates me.  It irritates me because it diminishes and dismisses the true nature of bullying and  those who truly need protection, our children.  It also teaches our children that every stick and stone is bullying. This is simply not true and sends the wrong message.

The most recent example is Jennifer Lawrence, the Wisconsin news anchor who used her newscast as a platform to call someone a “bully”.  A viewer sent her an email implying that she was too fat to be a news anchor and was setting a bad example for a children. Ridiculous? Yes. We are all more than our physical appearance.  Hurtful?  Sure. Even an adult and public figure does not like to be insulted.  We are all human.  If Jennifer wants to use her newsroom as a platform to call him out that’s her right.  Is this guy a “bully” in the classic sense?  NO!  He’s an insensitive jerk.  Not every insensitive jerk in the world is a “bully”

If Jennifer feels she was “bullied” that’s fine. We are all different and have different tolerance levels for assholes.  However, for her to use her hurt feelings as a  platform to teach our children that every perceived one time insult and hurt feeling they may experience in life is “bullying” was a mistake.  She did them no favors.  Children need to be taught the true nature of bullying and how it differs from the nature of some people to simply be jerks.  It’s about power.  It’s about repetitive conduct.  It’s about intellect and mental resources to respond.  It’s not about one adult telling another adult he/she is fat.   As a society we need to step back and re-focus on the true nature of bullying and quit publicly defining it as anything that hurts our feelings

To the victims of Jerry Sandusky I have this to say.  I apologize for the actions and inaction of those at my school who let you down.  I hope for your continued healing in whatever form that takes for you. I wish you peace in life.

To those who have not yet answered for their part in this. I hope that justice is fair and swift.

To the Paterno family.   I am sorry for your pain and anger. You have gone through loss of someone you  love. That person is now under attack in every corner of the world while you continue to grieve. I understand. I’m not sure I could stay quiet under such circumstances.   You are entitled to grieve for your loss and heal.  That its difficult under fire.  I  hope  however, that you will soon realize that if you want Penn State to be able to heal as a community(and I think  you do)  you are not helping the  process by publicly defending reputation at such raw, emotional time for all affected. There may someday be a time and place for that but this isn’t it.

To Penn State the Board Of Trustees. I hope you will shut up.  You represent all of Penn State, not just your personal agenda.  There are legitimate issues of accountability in how this went down but when you bitch publicly about sanctions, it’s ill advised and you are not representing me.  Please think before you speak. Once again,  time and place.

After all of this, how can I still be Penn State proud?  I have my degree right here. I am proud of it.  I am proud of the professors who gave me a great education and prepared me to enter law school.   I am proud of Penn Sate for hiring such great teachers. I am proud of the countless positive contribution Penn State makes to the world and the lives it has changed for the better that never had one thing to do with football. Because I know you still do these things, I am hopeful for the future. I am still Penn State Proud.

Brian Cuban ’83 Administration Of Justice

It was not all that long ago that that I looked into that abyss.  I came all so close to Junior’s fate but for the intervention of people who cared.  Not only cared but were on the ground  able to actually see the changes in my behavior and react quickly.

This  slide into darkness has its own unique components for different people. Some are luckier than others in the support they get or their ability to reach out for that support.    I had family and friends that were in my life.  That is what saved me.  If I did not have that, I would be dead.

Medication works wonders. Talking to professionals helps. Having a family and friends who are active in your life is also important.  I was very lucky.  For whatever reasons which may or may not become clear, Jr. wasn’t.  Many are not.

What’s my point?  Very simple.  Pay attention to the people in your life and NEVER be afraid to speak up when something seems off.  That is what keeps us out of the abyss.

I  am not a psychiatrist but I feel comfortable in stating that anyone who is sticking a feeding tube down his/her throat to achieve the same result that I stuck my finger down my throat for whether it be for a wedding or any other aesthetic reason has the mindset of an eating disorder simply manifested in a different manner.  Any doctor who  tells me that it is a physically and mentally safe procedure to put an otherwise healthy person on a feeding tube to lose weight is full of dog do-do and should have his/her medical license revoke for “doing harm”.

This is really just another extension of society’s unhealthy preoccupation with the looks of others and how others perceive us.  I was part and am part of that obsession. Once it is ingrained in your mind it really never really goes away.  You simply find healthy ways to channel it.  Despite the preoccupation, I know this much.   The only time you will see a feeding tube down my throat is if there is a medically necessary reason for it.  Shame on these doctors.  I empathize with their patients for the inability to overcome the obsession. I pity them for their choice.  The obsession will always be the obsession. It won’t end there.

I often wonder how I will react when things really spike outside the norm.  Will the thoughts of Jim Beam and cocaine cross my mind to even out the drama?  Is my program as off the 12-step beam as it is providing me with the balance for the bad times?  I got a little taste of that recently when my dog Peanut was diagnosed with Cushings disease.  Before I found out it was treatable,  I thought I was going to lose her.  I was immobilized with grief.  Drinking or drugs never crossed my mind.  What I thought about was seeking out the people in the fundamental circle I had created.  That’s my program.  Won’t say that it’s always sunny skies and margaritas(pardon the joke).  It’s a constantly evolving cycle of the peaks and valleys of life.  Just like anyone else.  It works for me.   That is what matters.

While  I understand that there was no evil intent in what the author was trying to accomplish,  it could have been done in thousands of other ways. The decision to use Nazi imagery with a glib almost to the point of smart-ass  caption that could not have possibly have come from that child was poor  judgment plain and simple.  I wrote the publisher of  with my concern. Here was her response:

Dear Brian,

The problem with Jolyn’s response  is that she could have used any of those other photos/examples she referenced  to make the point of the story.  The horror’s of Nazi Germany and the Holocaust should be actually learned by children old enough to understand them and not used as a punchline attached to a child clearly not old enough to understand.  If I am mistaken and  Tyler is in fact up on the these subjects then why not include that in the story to give the photo and caption context.  She instead used those horrors  to create shock value.  This imagery had nothing to do with learning.   The story makes one brief mention of World War II planes.

What we are left with is the image itself left to the imagination and a perceived ignorance and insensitivity to history by the adults who conceived this idea.  My advice to Joylyen is to use such an important and sensitive period of history to teach and not to exploit for circulation.   I think our children, gifted or not deserve that.

**Title Disclaimer I don’t really  believe Tyler is part of the Hitler Youth, endorses the Hitler Youth or  Nazi policies.  I was using shock value and sarcasm to make a point.

It is terrible for Demi or any person to go through such as daily destructive self-image battle but if there is an upside, when someone  in the media eye, like Demi, has the courage to go public with her struggles, it puts the spotlight on a disease that is often suffered in shame and silence, much like I dealt with it when I was her age.   In reading an interview she gave on the subject,  she said something that resonated with me.

“ don’t think there’s going to be a day when I don’t think about food or my body,

That is the truest, most revealing and concise statement of the disease that anyone could make.  Bulimia  is a daily war with food and body self image.

I went through a three year brutal battle with active bulimia while a student at Penn State University.  There were relapses through the years up through 2006.  If you think that it is a disease under-reported by men in the 21st century  try being a 18 year old male bulimia sufferer on a college campus of Forty-Thousand in 1981.

Treatment for an eating disorder is for the most part not going to be anything a male 18 year old freshman college student contemplates. I was not about to ask for medical or other help.  I did not even tell my family.  I would not have even known what to tell them. I had no idea what Bulimia was. The binge-purge cycle was simply a “normal” part of my life like getting up and going to bed  I went through daily emotional battles within myself.  There is the overwhelming feeling of shame.  I would have rather told my family I wanted a sex change than I was throwing up after every meal.  You have no context for understanding what you are going through.  You believe that once  you are thin enough to have reached your goal all your social problems will be solved.  Unfortunately the mirror tells you that you are never thin enough.

There is no doubt that in the hot-bod, infinite image explosion,  G-Q generation we live in, men have become more  aggressive in trying to emulate the male model types they see in various types of media.  I never saw it that way.  In the pre-MTV and Directv world of my college days, you were simply not exposed to those types of images to any significant degree.  I equated being thinner with being more accepted and popular.  I was not comparing myself to television and other media images.  I was comparing myself to the people I saw around me on a daily basis.  My perception going through high school was that there were no fat popular kids.  I  was not a model.  I was just your average fat kid trying to fit in and wanting to be popular like the thin kids seemed to be.  I wanted that life.  I wanted any life but mine.  In order to help my weight along I decided to get into long distance running.  I eventually worked my way up to running  10 -20 miles a day, 7 days a week.  I would run 10 in the morning and the same in the evening. I was always training for one marathon or another. When the day was over I scarf down a 2lb bag of peanut M&Ms.  I would then head straight to my next best friend, the toilet, to puke it all up.  This behavior was repeated with pizza, fast food etc. There were days that between not eating, puking after I ate and running long distances I was too dehydrated and weak to even get out of bed.  No matter how much weight I lost or how thin I became I always saw the same person in the mirror.  It was some beastly kid who still needed to drop a few lbs that had no friends.

In the span of one year I went from 230 lbs to 165 lbs at 6’2.  As appealing as that may seem to some, it was a brutal, almost deadly ride that I would not wish on my worst enemy. In my mind being thinner  was the only possible route to social acceptance.  I was not trying to reach some unattainable model goal, I was simply trying to fit in.  The problem is that regardless of why you think you need to either starve yourself or binge and purge the reflection in the mirror never ever changes until you are dead.  About 10 percent of those suffering from Bulimia will ultimately die from the disease.

While the manifestation of the disease is many years behind me, as Demi stated, the issues of self image are a daily battle that never goes away.  You simply learn constructive ways to channel them. Sometimes they are not so constructive.  My self-image battle has also involved exercise anorexia, drug and steroid addiction.  It is a daily, life-long struggle for balance.  A perfect example is that even today,  I have difficulty looking at myself naked in the mirror and accurately evaluating what I see. Good for Demi for raising awareness of the struggle.

That said, and with proviso that  I am talking in generalities, knowing absolutely nothing about Trey’s personal life and struggles, it was distressing to see a mentality of surprise and “if I had only called or tweeted”  Why the surprise?  Because he did not tweet he was depressed?  He did not tweet he was going to commit suicide? He did not post it on his blog?  He did not call up any of his “twitter-friends” or other social media buds to talk?   People on the brink and truly going to end their lives generally do not announce it.  I did not explicitly announce it or ask for help. People broke down my door and took the 45 automatic off my nightstand.  Exchanging links and being ” good social media buds” is not going to give  anyone the insight to help.  The only true help comes from people on the ground, in that person’s life on a day to day basis.  They see the changes in behavior and only they are in a position to intervene.   A tweet that all is going to be ok or a “how you doing phone” call is not intervention. That is guilt relieving.

There are a lot of Trey’s  out there.  Help the ones you can really help with “in-force” action, not “how ya doing”  tweets, phone calls and  Facebook messages.  100k Twitter friends are not going to save anyone.  Real friends can.

With the above in mind, I took a hard look at my account. It was a social media mess of my own idiotic doing. I had over 40k followers and I was following accounts consisting of a bunch of stuff I did not care about born of the mindless following of nameless and faceless accounts.   I estimated that 75 percent of my feed was the field of social media related with tweeters on every possible permutation of social media, digital branding, networking and MLM marketing,   Nothing wrong with those endeavors. I simply have very limited interest in them.  I began to actually read some of the Twitter profiles on the accounts I was following.  I sifted through the game changers, gurus, mavens, change agents and ninjas.  I concluded that It was time to get back to basics. It was time to eliminate the noise and focus on getting to the content that makes Twitter fun for me.

The rampage began. I began unfollowing almost everyone making a living in the social media/digital arena unless I actually knew them or had a long standing twitter relationship with them.  I had other criteria for cutting people loose but this was the primary criteria.  I repeat,  it was nothing personal.  Many however, took it as a personal affront to their twitter existence.

It ranged from the 5th grade tweeting to me  “Oh Yea! I’m un-follwoing you back!  to “fuck off“.   Come on people, its only Twitter. You don’t know me.  I don’t know you.  There are real people out there you can tell to fuck off.  It’s NOT personal!