Until the other day, I had no idea who Demi Lovato was.  Being 51 years old with no children, she is simply not on my generational radar.  We do however, both have something substantial in common.  We both suffer from the eating disorder Bulimia.  Most people have a sense of what Bulima is about.  You stuff your face and then puke it up minutes after.  Some people also use Laxatives. Most however, have no concept of the destructive nature of the disease.  The reason is that very few people come out publicly with their struggles.

It is terrible for Demi or any person to go through such as daily destructive self-image battle but if there is an upside, when someone  in the media eye, like Demi, has the courage to go public with her struggles, it puts the spotlight on a disease that is often suffered in shame and silence, much like I dealt with it when I was her age.   In reading an interview she gave on the subject,  she said something that resonated with me.

“ don’t think there’s going to be a day when I don’t think about food or my body,

That is the truest, most revealing and concise statement of the disease that anyone could make.  Bulimia  is a daily war with food and body self image.

I went through a three year brutal battle with active bulimia while a student at Penn State University.   If you think that it is a disease under-reported by men in the 21st century  try being a 18 year old male bulimia sufferer on a college campus of Forty-Thousand in 1981.

Treatment for an eating disorder is for the most part not going to be anything a male 18 year old freshman college student contemplates. I was not about to ask for medical or other help.  I did not even tell my family.  I would not have even known what to tell them. I had no idea what Bulimia was. The binge-purge cycle was simply a “normal” part of my life like getting up and going to bed  I went through daily emotional battles within myself.  There is the overwhelming feeling of shame.  I would have rather told my family I wanted a sex change than I was throwing up after every meal.  You have no context for understanding what you are going through.  You believe that once  you are thin enough to have reached your goal all your social problems will be solved.  Unfortunately the mirror tells you that you are never thin enough.

There is no doubt that in the hot-bod, infinite image explosion,  G-Q generation we live in, men have become more  aggressive in trying to emulate the male model types they see in various types of media.  I never saw it that way.  In the pre-MTV and Directv world of my college days, you were simply not exposed to those types of images to any significant degree.  I equated being thinner with being more accepted and popular.  I was not comparing myself to television and other media images.  I was comparing myself to the people I saw around me on a daily basis.  My perception going through high school was that there were no fat popular kids.  I  was not a model.  I was just your average fat kid trying to fit in and wanting to be popular like the thin kids seemed to be.  I wanted that life.  I wanted any life but mine.  In order to help my weight along I decided to get into long distance running.  I eventually worked my way up to running  10 -20 miles a day, 7 days a week.  I would run 10 in the morning and the same in the evening. I was always training for one marathon or another. When the day was over I scarf down a 2lb bag of peanut M&Ms.  I would then head straight to my next best friend, the toilet, to puke it all up.  This behavior was repeated with pizza, fast food etc. There were days that between not eating, puking after I ate and running long distances I was too dehydrated and weak to even get out of bed.  No matter how much weight I lost or how thin I became I always saw the same person in the mirror.  It was some beastly kid who still needed to drop a few lbs that had no friends.

In the span of one year I went from 230 lbs to 165 lbs at 6’2.  As appealing as that may seem to some, it was a brutal, almost deadly ride that I would not wish on my worst enemy. In my mind being thinner  was the only possible route to social acceptance.  I was not trying to reach some unattainable model goal, I was simply trying to fit in.  The problem is that regardless of why you think you need to either starve yourself or binge and purge the reflection in the mirror never ever changes until you are dead.  About 10 percent of those suffering from Bulimia will ultimately die from the disease.

While the manifestation of the disease is many years behind me, as Demi stated, the issues of self image are a daily battle that never goes away.  You simply learn constructive ways to channel them. Sometimes they are not so constructive.  My self-image battle has also involved exercise anorexia, drug and steroid addiction.  It is a daily, life-long struggle for balance.  A perfect example is that even today,  I have difficulty looking at myself naked in the mirror and accurately evaluating what I see. Good for Demi for raising awareness of the struggle.

Like most people who are very active on Twitter and know people in the social media world, I was saddened to learn of the death of Trey Pennington.  Trey apparently committed suicide.  The outpouring of sympathy on twitter was forceful and touching.  From reading the tweets of those who seemed to know him to various extents, Trey suffered from depression.  Anyone who follows my blog knows that I suffer from depression and that I came close to Trey’s fate but for the intervention of people who cared.  Not only cared but were on the ground, IN REAL LIFE, able to actually see the changes in my behavior and react quickly.

That said, and with proviso that  I am talking in generalities, knowing absolutely nothing about Trey’s personal life and struggles, it was distressing to see a mentality of surprise and “if I had only called or tweeted”  Why the surprise?  Because he did not tweet he was depressed?  He did not tweet he was going to commit suicide? He did not post it on his blog?  He did not call up any of his “twitter-friends” or other social media buds to talk?   People on the brink and truly going to end their lives generally do not announce it.  I did not explicitly announce it or ask for help. People broke down my door and took the 45 automatic off my nightstand.  Exchanging links and being ” good social media buds” is not going to give  anyone the insight to help.  The only true help comes from people on the ground, in that person’s life on a day to day basis.  They see the changes in behavior and only they are in a position to intervene.   A tweet that all is going to be ok or a “how you doing phone” call is not intervention. That is guilt relieving.

There are a lot of Trey’s  out there.  Help the ones you can really help with “in-force” action, not “how ya doing”  tweets, phone calls and  Facebook messages.  100k Twitter friends are not going to save anyone.  Real friends can.

As this is Holocaust Remembrance Week, I am re-posting an open letter I wrote to Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg concerning the presence of Holocaust Denial groups on the Facebook Site.   The letter received quite a bit of attention. Unfortunately, not much has changed at Facebook in terms of transparency.  How they define and administer what they determine “hateful content” under their Terms Of Service is shrouded in secrecy.   A non-transparent, subjective and arbitrary process.  Please keep in mind that this is not a 1st Amendment issue.   Facebook is a private company.  Facebook has rules. Those rules prohibit the posting of “hateful” content.   Holocaust Denial is anti-Semitic.  Antisemitism is hateful.   It does not stop there.  You can find content hateful towards Muslims, Gays, Hispanics etc. on the site.

May 10, 2009

Mark:

The last 7 days have seen much debate on the issue of Holocaust Denial Groups on Facebook.  There has been a lot of focus on the issues of free speech, open discussion of controversial issues and Facebook Terms Of Service(TOS).

While I have made it clear that I would like to see these groups removed, I have done a poor job in articulating why. I attempted to take a short-sighted, back door “lawyer’s approach” with Facebook by alleging that Holocaust Denial was illegal in other countries and, therefore, a violation of Facebook TOS.  While at the time, these were legitimate issues, I should have focused on the real issue.  The issue of the proliferation of Facebook groups that promote hatred of religious and ethnics groups and the hate speech those groups perpetrate. While you may have your doubts, I submit that this includes those who promote the fringe revisionist theory of Holocaust Denial.

The Holocaust Denial movement  is nothing more than a pretext to allow the preaching of hatred against Jews and to recruit other like minded individuals to do the same.  Allowing these groups to flourish on Facebook under the guise of “open discussion”  does nothing more than help spread their  message of hate.  Is this the kind of open discussion that Facebook wants to encourage?  Is this really where you want to draw your line?

It is undisputed that as a collective , Holocaust Deniers are overwhelmingly antisemitic.  One cannot be separated from the other.   They use a fringe, discredited historical theory as a pretext and rallying point to perpetrate and promote their message of hate using Facebook as  recruiting ground.   By allowing these groups whether they number 1 or 1000, Facebook is not promoting open discussion of  a controversial issue.  It is  promoting and encouraging hatred towards ethnic and religious groups, nothing more.

By claiming open discussion as the rationale for allowing these groups to exist, Facebook is playing games with semantics.  Facebook is taking form over substance to protect their imaginary subjective corporate line in the sand they have drawn.

If Facebook is serious about encouraging open discourse on controversial subjects,  let’s start with Facebook itself.  Let’s talk about the controversial decision to allow Holocaust Denial groups.  Let’s talk about transparency.  Sending out canned email answers or spouting canned corporate-speak in an interview is not transparent.  I would like to see transparency on the specifics of how Facebook went about arriving at this controversial decision.  I would like you to address the following questions:

In a CNN interview,   Facebook representative Barry Schnitt stated:

“It’s a difficult decision to make. We have a lot of internal debate and we bring in experts to talk about it,” Schnitt said. “Just being offensive or objectionable doesn’t get it taken off Facebook. We want it [the site] to be a place where people can discuss all kinds of ideas, including controversial ones.”

Mark, I would like to know who at Facebook was involved in the “internal debate”  that resulted in the decision that Holocaust Denial does not constitute hate speech.  Were you involved?  Do you offer any input in these types of discussions?  How does Facebook define “internal debate”? How many people were involved?  What was their expertise to discuss this issue?  Did they bring their personal beliefs to the table?   What safeguards were employed to ensure objectivity in a decision that is innately subjective?  Were attorneys consulted that have experience in such matters or was it general counsel?  Do you agree that something can be legal but still constitute hate speech?  Was the final decision yours?  Did the buck stop with you?

I would also like to know what experts were consulted on this issue.  Were any Holocaust Denial experts consulted?  Were any experts on antisemitism consulted?   Were any hate speech experts in general  consulted?  If so, I would appreciate it if you would identify these experts spoken of by Barry Schnitt in his CNN interview.

Finally, Mark, in an interview for the CNET blog “Technically Incorrect”, Barry Schnitt stated:

“One thing to consider that someone actually mentioned in the thread was the idea that there may be a benefit to having these ideas discussed in the open. Would we rather Holocaust denial was discussed behind closed doors or quietly propagated by anonymous sources? Or would we rather it was discussed in the open on Facebook where people’s real names and their photo is associated with it for their friends, peers, and colleagues to see?”

Is this an official corporate statement from Facebook on how Holocaust Denial should be addressed in society?  What kind of open discussion was Mr. Schnitt talking about?   How was he defining  “open discussion”?  How does Facebook define “open discussion”?  What experts did Facebook consult in coming to the conclusion that “open discussion” was the most appropriate way to deal with this subject?   Are you aware of the Jewish/Holocaust historical significance of such a statement Mark?   I sent an email to Facebook asking for clarification of his statement but received no response other than the canned ,”we received your email”.

Mark, I hope you will take the time to respond to these important questions and issues, not just with regards to the Holocaust Denial issue, but with regards to transparency in how Facebook subjectively comes to these types of decisions in general.

Sincerely

Brian Cuban

©2009 Brian Cuban

Until the other day, I had no idea who Demi Lovato was.  Being 50 years old with no children, she is simply not on my generational radar.  We do however, both have something substantial in common.  We both suffered form the eating disorder Bulimia.  Most people have a sense of what Bulima is about.  You stuff your face and then puke it up minutes after.  Some people also use Laxatives. Most however, have no concept of the destructive nature of the disease.  The reason is that very few people come out publicly with their struggles.

It is terrible for Demi or any person to go through such as daily destructive self-image battle but if there is an upside, when someone  in the media eye, like Demi, has the courage to go public with her struggles, it puts the spotlight on a disease that is often suffered in shame and silence, much like I dealt with it when I was her age.   In reading an interview she gave on the subject,  she said something that resonated with me.

“ don’t think there’s going to be a day when I don’t think about food or my body,

That is the truest, most revealing and concise statement of the disease that anyone could make.  Bulimia  is a daily war with food and body self image.

I went through a three year brutal battle with bulimia while a student at Penn State University.   If you think that it is a disease under-reported by men in the 21st century  try being a 18 year old male bulimia sufferer on a college campus of Forty-Thousand in 1981.

Treatment for an eating disorder is for the most part not going to be anything a male 18 year old freshman college student contemplates. I was not about to ask for medical or other help.  I did not even tell my family.  I would not have even known what to tell them. I had no idea what Bulimia was. The binge-purge cycle was simply a “normal” part of my life like getting up and going to bed  I went through daily emotional battles within myself.  There is the overwhelming feeling of shame.  I would have rather told my family I wanted a sex change than I was throwing up after every meal.  You have no context for understanding what you are going through.  You believe that once  you are thin enough to have reached your goal all your social problems will be solved.  Unfortunately the mirror tells you that you are never thin enough.

There is no doubt that in the hot-bod, infinite image explosion,  G-Q generation we live in, men have become more  aggressive in trying to emulate the male model types they see in various types of media.  I never saw it that way.  In the pre-MTV and Directv world of my college days, you were simply not exposed to those types of images to any significant degree.  I equated being thinner with being more accepted and popular.  I was not comparing myself to television and other media images.  I was comparing myself to the people I saw around me on a daily basis.  My perception going through high school was that there were no fat popular kids.  I  was not a model.  I was just your average fat kid trying to fit in and wanting to be popular like the thin kids seemed to be.  I wanted that life.  I wanted any life but mine.  In order to help my weight along I decided to get into long distance running.  I eventually worked my way up to running  10 -20 miles a day, 7 days a week.  I would run 10 in the morning and the same in the evening. I was always training for one marathon or another. When the day was over I scarf down a 2lb bag of peanut M&Ms.  I would then head straight to my next best friend, the toilet, to puke it all up.  This behavior was repeated with pizza, fast food etc. There were days that between not eating, puking after I ate and running long distances I was too dehydrated and weak to even get out of bed.  No matter how much weight I lost or how thin I became I always saw the same person in the mirror.  It was some beastly kid who still needed to drop a few lbs that had no friends.

In the span of one year I went from 230 lbs to 165 lbs at 6’2.  As appealing as that may seem to some, it was a brutal, almost deadly ride that I would not wish on my worst enemy. In my mind being thinner  was the only possible route to social acceptance.  I was not trying to reach some unattainable model goal, I was simply trying to fit in.  The problem is that regardless of why you think you need to either starve yourself or binge and purge the reflection in the mirror never ever changes until you are dead.  About 10 percent of those suffering from Bulimia will ultimately die from the disease.

While the manifestation of the disease is many years behind me, as Demi stated, the issues of self image are a daily battle that never goes away.  You simply learn constructive ways to channel them.  It is a life-long struggle for balance.  A perfect example is that even today,  I have difficulty looking at myself naked in the mirror and accurately evaluating what I see. Good for Demi for raising awareness of the struggle.

Another year down.  Four years sober. Lot’s of good and bad days in those years.  Not because its a struggle to stay sober, it’ just life. Is that #WINNING?  No Adonis DNA or TigerBlood here but I’m not sure you need that to beat alcohol/drug  addiction nor am I sure those will beat addiction.

Can you do it with your mind like Charlie Sheen says he does?  The answer is yes. For a month.  For a year, whatever,  It’s doable depending on the person.   I think most people can achieve pretty much anything through force of will for the short burst.  Teams go on winning streaks.  For the full season of life?  Without some structure and insight into your problem.  How can you achieve control when your out of control and no context for what that means?   I don’t think I could.  That’s does not mean  I want or need all the  12-Step  ritulization and group think that many hold on to.  That is not to say it’s a bad thing.  It’s ok to  hold on to group-think if that keeps you sober and happy.  Many need that.  Everyone is different.  A concept that many in 12-Step refuse to accept when they push their way of staying sober on you.  Not everyone but some.  The problem is that when your scared, weak and hyper- susceptible to suggestion as many are when they start, “some” is a lot.  I suspect that is where Charlie Sheen broke from it.  I certainly did not like it but once I quit being angry over the pushing of a higher power disguised as religion by “some”,   I was able to accept that addiction recovery is a unique process for everyone that is not necessarily dependent on a book or chart on the wall.  Those things however, are a great start when you don’t know where to start.  It certainly helped me.  I will go to a meeting today and reflect on a great start.  The season of life left to go.  My season starts today and ends tonight.  One day at a time.

A new NBA Season is upon us.  New hopes and new players driving the Dallas  Mavericks to what is hopefully another trip into the NBA finals scene.  Could we  once again head to the Miami SouthBeach  NBA Finals scene to battle the big three of the  “New-Heat,  who at least early on appear to be more like New Coke?.

To being my training for possibly heading to the the Finals freak-show known as Southbeach, I decided I needed to begin early and put on my training wheels.  While certainly not the level or intensity of the Miami scene, the social scene in Dallas, “singles season’’ never ends. In preparation for multiple nights of after-game bars, clubs, see and be seen sports mackdaddies and douchebaggery, I recently roamed the streets of Dallas after the Mav’s home game, checking out various nightspots while contemplating what will hopefully be a great Mavs season. I wandered about, contemplating how we would make the playoffs, play deep in, and hopefully challenge again for that elusive Larry O’Brien NBA Championship Trophy.

At the same time, I was stunned by a similarity between singles scene as the NBA:

Life imitates art. Basketball imitates life. Especially in social interactions.

I saw all kinds (as I often do), not all of them enviable kinds. There were the 30K Millionaires, the Cougars, the GoldDiggers and the MackDaddy D-bags, and I saw all kinds of similarities between the social interactions I witnessed out on the singles scene and the great game of hoops.

Let’s lace up those high-tops for a walk onto the hardwood court of Dallas (and note that I believe it’s largely the same for any big-city nightlife where a basketball season is played out). There are no points for second place. The winners hit nothing but net while the losers head home alone and whine the next morning about how they gave their best. The only way you can only get a “clear path” to the basket” view of all this is if you are living outside the 3-point line.

To watch this game – and to maybe be more than a baseline season-ticket-holder — I had to re-learn all I knew about basketball and how it applied to the nightlife scene. Once I had finished learning the rules and different offensive (sometimes very offensive!) and defensive sets, a night out in Dallas became more entertaining than watching the NBA Finals.

Well, almost

In order to see what I saw and know what I know you have to have a basic understanding of basketball “terminology” as it applies to both the NBA and the nightclub scene. Once you have this understanding you will never look at a bar or nightclub in the same light. Here are some of the terms you need to understand:

“Palming”: The act of adjusting oneself in a nightclub right in front of your buddy/wingman and the hot girl you are talking to. This is a change in possession foul and you must now transfer possession of the hot girl to your buddy.

“Slam-dunk”: The last drunk girl in the bar at 2 a.m.

“Full Court Press’’: Within 15 minutes of meeting a girl in a bar you have given her your phone number, certified financial statement, recent HIV test and two round-trip tickets to Vegas for the next day. You’ve even sent flowers sent to the girl … while still in the bar.

“Flagrant Foul”: At the very moment the hottest girl in the bar is handing you her telephone number, your best buddy, say, picks his nose. This is a two-shot foul. You retain possession. Your buddy must buy two shots of any drink you choose for you and any girl you want the rest of the night.

“Double-Double”: You figure it out…

“Triple Double”: U DA MAN!

“Clear Path Foul:’’ You picked up the hottest girl in the club. She has told you how much she wants you. You are on your way back to your place. She pukes all over your car.

“Fast Break”: You’ve just arrived, you have not even valeted the car yet and your buddy is coming out of the nightclub, hot girl on his arm.

“Traveling”: You live in Dallas. She lives in Fort Worth. This is a change-of-possession foul – but only if your buddy doesn’t care where she lives.

“24-Second Violation’’: You meet a hot girl. You spend the first 25 seconds talking about your millions in the bank, new Maserati, your listing on the Forbes 400 and your Gulfstream while your three roommates look on. This is also known as a “30K Millionaire Violation.” It is a turnover – she turns herself over to the next guy in the bar who actually owns a Maserati or Gulfstream.

“Double Dribble”: You forget to tie your shoes. Just as you are about to hand your girl her drink, you trip and spill both drinks on her. This is a change-in-possession foul as your buddy because your buddy uses it against you. She agrees and goes home with him.

“Back-Court Violation”: Your posse is in the club. You have drink in hand when you realize your driver was denied entrance because he wore tennis shoes, thus violating the dress-to-impress code.

“Alley-Oop”: Your buddy generously hands off to you that last drunk girl in the bar at 2 am. You are hoping to convert to a “slam dunk.’’

“Moving Screen”: Your buddy is not getting near that girl. She is going home with you!

“Blocking Foul”: Just as the hottest girl in the club is handing you her phone number … this is gonna be good. … your buddy approaches and and is nice enough to report that he found your wedding ring on the floor.

“Offensive Foul”: You had Italian for dinner. You’re about to kiss your girl goodnight — on the cheek, because you’re a gentleman — when you burp just a little. Is that a piece of spaghetti that’s landed on her cheek? Another turnover. To anybody. As long as it’s not you.

“Technical Foul”: She told you she was 21 when you bought her a drink. This is an ejection. A one-game suspension. And a timeout. … maybe to be spent in a 4×6 with bars.

“Offensive Rebound”: It is not your fault your buddy can’t close.

“Tip Off”: You spy something on her neck. It is suspicious. It appears that the attractive woman you are looking at has an Adam’s Apple.’’

“Two-Minute Warning”: It’s last call. You struck out. Your designated driver has left and you have no cab fare. Time for more “traveling.’’ Because you’re walking home.

There’s the rules of the game. And unlike the NBA regular season, which must come to again, in the nightlife scene, every weekend brings a playoff round!

©2010 Brian Cuban

Enjoy this piece? Be sure to join the Cuban Revolution Fan Club and/or subscribe to my newsletter to stay abreast of future posts and live celebrity interviews on The Revolution Rant

The Veterans Administration has announced that they will now allow patients to use medical marijuana at clinics in states where the use of the drug is legal. According to a story in the New York Times, a department directive, resolves the conflict in veterans facilities between federal law, which outlaws marijuana, and the 14 states that allow medicinal use of the drug, effectively deferring to the states.

This presents an interesting dilemma for the federal government. While the benefits of medical marijuana are documented and vets are being helped by its use, it is still illegal under Federal law and certainly in federal facilities like VA clinics.  Legally, the fact that it is being used in a state that allows medical marijuana is irrelevant to federal enforcement. While the Obama Administration and the DEA have taken the position that they will not go after those using the drug in compliance with state law, it remains to be seen if medical marijuana crossing the border into federally funded facilities and getting that first foot hold into the federal domain a will sit well with Eric Holder and the DEA.  No one wants to look like the bad guy where our vets are concerned.

In 2002, Robert Norse, a known local homeless activist,  rendered a Nazi style salute from the audience at a March 2002 council meeting to protest the mayor’s cutoff of another speaker.  The presiding mayor didn’t see the salute, but it was brought to his attention by another council member who asked that  Norse be evicted from the meeting.  When Norse refused the mayor’s eviction order he was arrested and charged with disorderly conduct. The charges were later dropped and Norse sued. This tape of the incident  was relied on by a 3 judge panel in siding with the city.  The case has now been taken by a 11 judge panel of the 9th U.S. circuit Court of Appeals.  It could reach the Supreme Court.

Was Norse arrested because of an expression of dissent in his Nazi salute or because he disrupted the city council meeting?  I am no fan of the Nazi salute as to its meaning as mode of hate speech or dissent in general. To me the salute represents the murder of 11 million Jews and non-Jews. That’s me.  I recognize that Norse was not using it as statement of ethnic or religious hatred but as statement of contempt. Regardless, in this country, he has the right to express his beliefs in the former or the latter.

The city is  taking the position that any gesture whether verbal or non-verbal not made at the podium during the designated comment time is a disruption in violation of council rules subjecting the disruptor to removal.  A  3 judge panel sided with the city in their right to enforce rules that silence the audience unless they are at the podium.

In reviewing the video, it seems clear that Norse was removed specifically for making the Nazi salute. While the city council has the right to regulate their meeting to prevent disruption that prevents the administration of government, they are taking time, place and manner to the ridiculous extreme. They are going beyond what is necessary to ensure everyone is heard and the meeting proceeds and moving into the silencing of political expression. One may ask where we draw the line?  We should not be drawing it at non-verbal expressions of dissent.  This is inconsistent with the 1st Amendment. The decision of the 3 judge panel should be reversed on those grounds.

It is being reported by the New York Times that some law schools are purposely inflating grades in order to keep their graduates competitive in this very depressed job market.   I think the schools  are on to something here but are missing a huge revenue opportunity.

I propose that law schools adopt a “Frequent Flyer Model” to grading and sell grade increments.  When I am short on American Airlines Frequent Flyer miles for that trip to Europe, I buy an extra 10k miles for a grand. When I am short an incremental + grade away from that coveted Law Review spot or Big Law job, does it not make sense for the law school, instead of engaging in an illusory and inflationary grading practice for free to monetize it?  They should sell me an increment and help me bump the Law Review geek that actually worked for it while at the same time  filling the depressed funding coffers.   Like American Airlines, they could offer cut-rate weekend special grade boosts for  the C students about to accept a job at The GAP.

When law schools start figuring out that they are missing the boat with these gratis grade hikes remember where you heard it first…

I suffer from clinical depression. Not the fleeting kind you suffer when your NBA team was eliminated from the playoffs or your girl dumps you by text message.  The kind that results in life changing and ending decisions for  many us  suffering.  The ugly “S” word.  The journey associated with the often daily battle through fog and fear has taken me down many a dark road.  In the past months I have seen people I know, unable to find answers or hope take the journey into the abyss from which there is no return.  As I sadly read of their decision to take that final jump into the final darkness, terminating the future,  I am reminded of how all so fast it can happen.

This  slide into darkness has its own unique components for different people. Some are luckier than others in the support they get or their ability to reach out for that support.   I was very lucky.  I had everyone who loved me living in my city and within a few miles of me.  They were all in my life and knew my routines. That is what saved me. If I did not have that I would be dead.

I do not remember placing the Italian 45-caliber automatic pistol that my best friend had given me for a gift on my nightstand. I do not remember emailing him for bullets.  I do not remember emailing others of my desire to end my life. I realize now that it was my way of reaching out for help.  My only memory of those terrible few days on the edge 6 years ago was being  wakened out  of a Xanax stupor by people who cared for me, the pistol sitting inches away from me.   It happens that easy.   It was all so easy to slide in the fog from a Xanax coma to a 45 cal bullet.  It did not happen.  People loved me, cared and intervened.

While I think I have suffered from depression since I was a child, I do not have any sense of time in its effects as you have to realize it’s an issue to start the clock.   It has had its ups and downs.  Medication works wonders. Talking to professionals helps. Having a family that loves me, recognized something was wrong and was willing to intervene is something that many who suffer do not have. I am very lucky.

There however was one dark period that the low was so low and the fog of depression was so great that I only have vague memories of literally living on the edge of permanent darkness.

I have thought about telling this story before. I have always backed off because of self-interest.  I did not want to be perceived as weak.  I did not want to be stereotyped, stigmatized or shamed.  I did not want sympathy.  In the end, it is what it is.  If someone can take the message from this that there is hope and recovery from the edge of darkness to happiness and accomplishment in life. If someone will see that reaching out even when you do not want to has the greatest up side at all.  If one person gets that I will take all the  S’s people can throw at me.

Not long ago I engaged in a limited debate on Twitter with a guy named Jack Marshall who fancies himself an “ethics expert.”  He has a web site called “Pro-Ethics”   I was critical of a piece he had written about “The Biking Vogels”.  The Vogels who are biking enthusiasts, decided to take their children on what can only be described as a bike trek of anyone’s lifetime.  It was not all fun and games however.  Here is how Marshall described it:

……..the Vogels set out in June on an even longer journey, from Prudhoe Bay, Alaska to the tip of Argentina. This 20,000 mile trek will take about thirty months, two and a half years. To read the Vogel’s breezy and cheerful accounts of their endless travels, one would think this is recreation—but it is, in fact, a business. The Vogels accept direct on-line contributions to their “educational quest,” have corporate sponsors, and frequently persuade those they meet on their journey to give them money and food. The only differences between the Vogels’ lifestyle and the Gypsies portrayed in old movies and operettas are that the Vogels have a website, don’t play tambourines, and use bicycles instead of a wagon.

His position seems to be that the trek was not motivated by anything as lofty as the parents wanting to  “better their children”  but by the reality show, profit mentality which in my opinion is “dumbing down” this country significantly.  They were in effect, pimping out their kids to danger for their personal profit and fame at the cost of physical danger to their children and risking their mental futures.  He came down hard on the parents.  I was critical of his opinion.  Adventure is a great. It is a character builder.  I was irritated.  Who was he, who had never met the children or parents to cast judgment on the bike trek of a lifetime.  Something that would probably shape their view of the world and give them a perspective that would better them in all aspects of their lives.

Then I paused. The more I thought about it, the more I kept hearing myself referring to it in the context of what I might want for my children.  Would I put them though that?  How would that fit into my hopes and dreams?  Is that an appropriate question when deciding whats best for my kids?  Would it make me any better than the “John and Kates” and the Falcon Heene’s of the world?  Pushing my children into danger and reality show recognition based my dreams and desires.  The children would have little choice.

Now we have 16 year old  Abby Sutherland and her failed and dangerous attempt to be the youngest person to  sail around the world.  There is a lot of chatter out there that the parents pushed her into it without regard for her safety and again, with a reality show mentality.  The father of Sutherland , admitting he was broke,  told the The New York Post that he had a deal for a reality TV show based on the lives of his daughter and other 6 kids.  The cost to rescue her will approach $300,000.

There is no buffer in the parent child relationship where these extreme events are concerned. No one to tells the children it’s ok to not want what their parents want. Or we may tell them with the subtext that our dreams are really theirs.   Bike around the world?  Lets do it Dad!   Sail around the world at 16?  Who wouldn’t!  Children do not like to disappoint.  Where is the real choice?  Whose dreams are they really following? At what cost?  Maybe Marshall’s criticism is warranted.

Why does NBC  continue to tolerate  the rantings of confirmed bigot and anti-semite Pat Buchanan?  The answer is simple.  He is popular. He drives print, television and new media ratings.

Pat’s latest anti-semitic rant was in relation to the proposed confirmation of Elena Kagan as a Supreme Court Justice.  Kagan is Jewish. Pat, true to form,  complains there are too many Jews on the Supreme Court bench.   In his May 13, 2010 column, he states,

“If Kagan is confirmed, Jews, who represent less than 2 percent of the U.S. population, will have 33 percent of the Supreme Court seats. Is this the Democrats’ idea of diversity?’

This is not the 1st time Buchanan has come under fire for his anti–Semitic viewpoints and not the 1st time NBC has turned a blind eye.

In 2009, Buchanan’s personal website, Buchanan.org, hosted a  forum entitled “Disinformation, Deception and Other Tricks” and within that, a thread called “Discussion about ‘The Holocaust. The thread discussions allegedly propagated the  revisionist historical theory of  “Holocaust Denial”

The entire forum section of the website was allegedly taken down hours after an op-ed by Menachem Rosensaft in the New York Daily News pointed out it’s existence.   NBC offered no statement and took no action against Buchanan.

NBC has a  corporate social responsibility to not sanction either by action or inaction, hatred towards racial, religious and ethnic minorities.  Along with this social responsibility comes the obligation to not allow those who they pay to represent them to espouse these despicable views or allow them to be espoused in a  forum under their control.  CBS understood this well when they fired Don Imus for racial slurs.

While Pat has the right to express certain views or allow them to be expressed on his personal site, NBC does not have to tolerate it when they are paying his bills and it reflects negatively on them.  Employers set policies and make such statements to employees in the realm of blogging and free expression on a regular basis. Pat has the right to say he does does agree with that policy and walk.  It boils down to the priorities and social consciousness of NBC.   What we are seeing from NBC is where money is involved social conscience takes a back seat to profit. Hate is for sale at NBC.

For the last few days, I have been depressed, angry, sick to my stomach and unable to focus.  I have cried uncontrollably, kicked my dog and chased my cat around the house flicking  Dirk Nowitzki basketball trading cards at her.

To top it off, this morning I woke up sitting naked in an seat in an empty American Airlines Center screaming “FREE RODDY B!”

After posting bail, I rushed home to see if I could self diagnose the mysterious symptoms that have overtaken my body.

I did an exhaustive Google search. I  researched medical journals. I even scheduled an emergency visit with a sports fan psychologist.  Much to my relief, I finally found the answer in an obscure article entitled “Sports Fanatic Psychosis, Diagnosis and Treatment“.  The article was put out by the South End Of The Island Of Grenada School Of Medicine. I am suffering from “Season Over Syndrome“(SOS). It turns out there are seven stages of “SOS”.

1.  SHOCK AND DENIAL

This feeling is generally manifested in a  heightened awareness of situations and individuals that will be left behind after the season is over.  You find yourself with overwhelming feelings of sorrow and sympathy for players making millions of dollars per year who are already sitting on desert islands sipping Cuba Libre drinks, banging hot women and partying with the Dos Equis Man as they live vicariously through themselves.

2. PAIN AND GUILT

As your body goes through the withdrawal of countless nights of playoff drinking and debauchery, you suddenly realize that your condo has not been cleaned in weeks. Your  unwashed laundry stinks.  Your girlfriend has left you.  You can no longer see your feet or your “Johnson” from drinking and eating so much.  The fat slob in the mirror overwhelms you with pain and guilt.  The rest does not bother you that much.  That’s what maids and strip clubs are for.

3.  ANGER

Your guilt turns to increasing anger as you realize that you look like shit, your baseball team sucks, football is months away and your your now eliminated NBA team wont have a 1st round draft pick because they traded it for a Slobovian point guard named Meloosh.

4.  DEPRESSION AND LONELINESS

Just as all your friends think you are over the disappointment and ready to move on, you become very reflective of the season that was.  You begin inviting your friends over to show them your new Tops Basketball Card Collection and  watch endless reruns of movies like Hoosiers, The Fish That Save Pittsburgh, Celtic Pride, Like Mike, And Space Jam.  After one night of this, your friends begin discussing an SOS intervention behind your back.

5.  FEELING BETTER

You start to adjust to a boring summer without the benefit of good tickets to playoff games to pick up hot women. That’s ok though because the night club scene is improving.  Out of contention and out of work NBA players, groupies and douchebag wannabes converge on the club scene  with guns, entourage and gangsta attitude in tow.  “Celebrity Beatdowns“  are a weekly nightclub event.  They help wean you off the Jerry Springer and TMZ addictions that are  symptoms of SOS.

6.  RECONSTRUCTION AND REDEMPTION

November is rapidly approaching. Time to get your body back shape for the long grueling season. Pre-game happy hours, post game happy hours, post game private parties.  An intense heckling regime to be rehearsed.  Have to look good for the Jumbotron or any impromptu national television appearances.  The gym is now your best friend. Your team is not looking good for the new year so you have to be looking extra buff.  It’s exponentially harder to pick up chicks after a loss. You think Meelosh will be a bust.

7. ACCEPTANCE AND HOPE

As opening day gets closer, the trash talk of a new season begins. You once again begin to feel the hope of a the promised NBA title  despite a bunch of crappy mid-level exception signings, no bench and Meelosh as your starting center.

You will once again experience the joy of basketball, women and making a complete drunken idiot out of yourself all in the name of basketball fandom.  If the team wins you might even get laid this year.  Meelosh is coming around. Life is good.