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Bulimia: My War With Food And Body Self Image


Until the other day, I had no idea who Demi Lovato was.  Being 50 years old with no children, she is simply not on my generational radar.  We do however, both have something substantial in common.  We both suffered form the eating disorder Bulimia.  Most people have a sense of what Bulima is about.  You stuff your face and then puke it up minutes after.  Some people also use Laxatives. Most however, have no concept of the destructive nature of the disease.  The reason is that very few people come out publicly with their struggles.

It is terrible for Demi or any person to go through such as daily destructive self-image battle but if there is an upside, when someone  in the media eye, like Demi, has the courage to go public with her struggles, it puts the spotlight on a disease that is often suffered in shame and silence, much like I dealt with it when I was her age.   In reading an interview she gave on the subject,  she said something that resonated with me.

don’t think there’s going to be a day when I don’t think about food or my body,

That is the truest, most revealing and concise statement of the disease that anyone could make.  Bulimia  is a daily war with food and body self image.

I went through a three year brutal battle with bulimia while a student at Penn State University.   If you think that it is a disease under-reported by men in the 21st century  try being a 18 year old male bulimia sufferer on a college campus of Forty-Thousand in 1981.

Treatment for an eating disorder is for the most part not going to be anything a male 18 year old freshman college student contemplates. I was not about to ask for medical or other help.  I did not even tell my family.  I would not have even known what to tell them. I had no idea what Bulimia was. The binge-purge cycle was simply a “normal” part of my life like getting up and going to bed  I went through daily emotional battles within myself.  There is the overwhelming feeling of shame.  I would have rather told my family I wanted a sex change than I was throwing up after every meal.  You have no context for understanding what you are going through.  You believe that once  you are thin enough to have reached your goal all your social problems will be solved.  Unfortunately the mirror tells you that you are never thin enough.

There is no doubt that in the hot-bod, infinite image explosion,  G-Q generation we live in, men have become more  aggressive in trying to emulate the male model types they see in various types of media.  I never saw it that way.  In the pre-MTV and Directv world of my college days, you were simply not exposed to those types of images to any significant degree.  I equated being thinner with being more accepted and popular.  I was not comparing myself to television and other media images.  I was comparing myself to the people I saw around me on a daily basis.  My perception going through high school was that there were no fat popular kids.  I  was not a model.  I was just your average fat kid trying to fit in and wanting to be popular like the thin kids seemed to be.  I wanted that life.  I wanted any life but mine.  In order to help my weight along I decided to get into long distance running.  I eventually worked my way up to running  10 -20 miles a day, 7 days a week.  I would run 10 in the morning and the same in the evening. I was always training for one marathon or another. When the day was over I scarf down a 2lb bag of peanut M&Ms.  I would then head straight to my next best friend, the toilet, to puke it all up.  This behavior was repeated with pizza, fast food etc. There were days that between not eating, puking after I ate and running long distances I was too dehydrated and weak to even get out of bed.  No matter how much weight I lost or how thin I became I always saw the same person in the mirror.  It was some beastly kid who still needed to drop a few lbs that had no friends.

In the span of one year I went from 230 lbs to 165 lbs at 6’2.  As appealing as that may seem to some, it was a brutal, almost deadly ride that I would not wish on my worst enemy. In my mind being thinner  was the only possible route to social acceptance.  I was not trying to reach some unattainable model goal, I was simply trying to fit in.  The problem is that regardless of why you think you need to either starve yourself or binge and purge the reflection in the mirror never ever changes until you are dead.  About 10 percent of those suffering from Bulimia will ultimately die from the disease.

While the manifestation of the disease is many years behind me, as Demi stated, the issues of self image are a daily battle that never goes away.  You simply learn constructive ways to channel them.  It is a life-long struggle for balance.  A perfect example is that even today,  I have difficulty looking at myself naked in the mirror and accurately evaluating what I see. Good for Demi for raising awareness of the struggle.

 

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4 Years Of Sobriety-Take That Charlie Sheen!


Another year down.  Four years sober. Lot’s of good and bad days in those years.  Not because its a struggle to stay sober, it’ just life. Is that #WINNING?  No Adonis DNA or TigerBlood here but I’m not sure you need that to beat alcohol/drug  addiction nor am I sure those will beat addiction.

Can you do it with your mind like Charlie Sheen says he does?  The answer is yes. For a month.  For a year, whatever,  It’s doable depending on the person.   I think most people can achieve pretty much anything through force of will for the short burst.  Teams go on winning streaks.  For the full season of life?  Without some structure and insight into your problem.  How can you achieve control when your out of control and no context for what that means?   I don’t think I could.  That’s does not mean  I want or need all the  12-Step  ritulization and group think that many hold on to.  That is not to say it’s a bad thing.  It’s ok to  hold on to group-think if that keeps you sober and happy.  Many need that.  Everyone is different.  A concept that many in 12-Step refuse to accept when they push their way of staying sober on you.  Not everyone but some.  The problem is that when your scared, weak and hyper- susceptible to suggestion as many are when they start, “some” is a lot.  I suspect that is where Charlie Sheen broke from it.  I certainly did not like it but once I quit being angry over the pushing of a higher power disguised as religion by “some”,   I was able to accept that addiction recovery is a unique process for everyone that is not necessarily dependent on a book or chart on the wall.  Those things however, are a great start when you don’t know where to start.  It certainly helped me.  I will go to a meeting today and reflect on a great start.  The season of life left to go.  My season starts today and ends tonight.  One day at a time.

 

 

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Love, Heat And Basketball


A new NBA Season is upon us.  New hopes and new players driving the Dallas  Mavericks to what is hopefully another trip into the NBA finals scene.  Could we  once again head to the Miami SouthBeach  NBA Finals scene to battle the big three of the  “New-Heat,  who at least early on appear to be more like New Coke?.

To being my training for possibly heading to the the Finals freak-show known as Southbeach, I decided I needed to begin early and put on my training wheels.  While certainly not the level or intensity of the Miami scene, the social scene in Dallas, “singles season’’ never ends. In preparation for multiple nights of after-game bars, clubs, see and be seen sports mackdaddies and douchebaggery, I recently roamed the streets of Dallas after the Mav’s home game, checking out various nightspots while contemplating what will hopefully be a great Mavs season. I wandered about, contemplating how we would make the playoffs, play deep in, and hopefully challenge again for that elusive Larry O’Brien NBA Championship Trophy.

At the same time, I was stunned by a similarity between singles scene as the NBA:

Life imitates art. Basketball imitates life. Especially in social interactions.

I saw all kinds (as I often do), not all of them enviable kinds. There were the 30K Millionaires, the Cougars, the GoldDiggers and the MackDaddy D-bags, and I saw all kinds of similarities between the social interactions I witnessed out on the singles scene and the great game of hoops.

Let’s lace up those high-tops for a walk onto the hardwood court of Dallas (and note that I believe it’s largely the same for any big-city nightlife where a basketball season is played out). There are no points for second place. The winners hit nothing but net while the losers head home alone and whine the next morning about how they gave their best. The only way you can only get a “clear path” to the basket” view of all this is if you are living outside the 3-point line.diagram

To watch this game – and to maybe be more than a baseline season-ticket-holder — I had to re-learn all I knew about basketball and how it applied to the nightlife scene. Once I had finished learning the rules and different offensive (sometimes very offensive!) and defensive sets, a night out in Dallas became more entertaining than watching the NBA Finals.

Well, almost

In order to see what I saw and know what I know you have to have a basic understanding of basketball “terminology” as it applies to both the NBA and the nightclub scene. Once you have this understanding you will never look at a bar or nightclub in the same light. Here are some of the terms you need to understand:diagram4

“Palming”: The act of adjusting oneself in a nightclub right in front of your buddy/wingman and the hot girl you are talking to. This is a change in possession foul and you must now transfer possession of the hot girl to your buddy.

“Slam-dunk”: The last drunk girl in the bar at 2 a.m.

“Full Court Press’’: Within 15 minutes of meeting a girl in a bar you have given her your phone number, certified financial statement, recent HIV test and two round-trip tickets to Vegas for the next day. You’ve even sent flowers sent to the girl … while still in the bar.

“Flagrant Foul”: At the very moment the hottest girl in the bar is handing you her telephone number, your best buddy, say, picks his nose. This is a two-shot foul. You retain possession. Your buddy must buy two shots of any drink you choose for you and any girl you want the rest of the night.

“Double-Double”: You figure it out…

“Triple Double”: U DA MAN!

“Clear Path Foul:’’ You picked up the hottest girl in the club. She has told you how much she wants you. You are on your way back to your place. She pukes all over your car.

“Fast Break”: You’ve just arrived, you have not even valeted the car yet and your buddy is coming out of the nightclub, hot girl on his arm.

“Traveling”: You live in Dallas. She lives in Fort Worth. This is a change-of-possession foul – but only if your buddy doesn’t care where she lives.

“24-Second Violation’’: You meet a hot girl. You spend the first 25 seconds talking about your millions in the bank, new Maserati, your listing on the Forbes 400 and your Gulfstream while your three roommates look on. This is also known as a “30K Millionaire Violation.” It is a turnover – she turns herself over to the next guy in the bar who actually owns a Maserati or Gulfstream.

“Double Dribble”: You forget to tie your shoes. Just as you are about to hand your girl her drink, you trip and spill both drinks on her. This is a change-in-possession foul as your buddy because your buddy uses it against you. She agrees and goes home with him.

“Back-Court Violation”: Your posse is in the club. You have drink in hand when you realize your driver was denied entrance because he wore tennis shoes, thus violating the dress-to-impress code.

“Alley-Oop”: Your buddy generously hands off to you that last drunk girl in the bar at 2 am. You are hoping to convert to a “slam dunk.’’

“Moving Screen”: Your buddy is not getting near that girl. She is going home with you!diagram3

“Blocking Foul”: Just as the hottest girl in the club is handing you her phone number … this is gonna be good. … your buddy approaches and and is nice enough to report that he found your wedding ring on the floor.

“Offensive Foul”: You had Italian for dinner. You’re about to kiss your girl goodnight — on the cheek, because you’re a gentleman — when you burp just a little. Is that a piece of spaghetti that’s landed on her cheek? Another turnover. To anybody. As long as it’s not you.

“Technical Foul”: She told you she was 21 when you bought her a drink. This is an ejection. A one-game suspension. And a timeout. … maybe to be spent in a 4×6 with bars.

“Offensive Rebound”: It is not your fault your buddy can’t close.

“Tip Off”: You spy something on her neck. It is suspicious. It appears that the attractive woman you are looking at has an Adam’s Apple.’’

“Two-Minute Warning”: It’s last call. You struck out. Your designated driver has left and you have no cab fare. Time for more “traveling.’’ Because you’re walking home.

There’s the rules of the game. And unlike the NBA regular season, which must come to again, in the nightlife scene, every weekend brings a playoff round!

©2010 Brian Cuban

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Vets Getting High


The Veterans Administration has announced that they will now allow patients to use medical marijuana at clinics in states where the use of the drug is legal. According to a story in the New York Times, a department directive, resolves the conflict in veterans facilities between federal law, which outlaws marijuana, and the 14 states that allow medicinal use of the drug, effectively deferring to the states.

This presents an interesting dilemma for the federal government. While the benefits of medical marijuana are documented and vets are being helped by its use, it is still illegal under Federal law and certainly in federal facilities like VA clinics.  Legally, the fact that it is being used in a state that allows medical marijuana is irrelevant to federal enforcement. While the Obama Administration and the DEA have taken the position that they will not go after those using the drug in compliance with state law, it remains to be seen if medical marijuana crossing the border into federally funded facilities and getting that first foot hold into the federal domain a will sit well with Eric Holder and the DEA.  No one wants to look like the bad guy where our vets are concerned.

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