Public Execution Of Child Molester Announced!

humor, opinion, politics

Public Execution Of Child Molester Announced!

(NYC) In what appears to be a first in the history of the United States, various pro-”Megan’s Law” and death penalty groups including the one million member “Kill That Pervert Now” pro-death penalty caucus have announced the first public execution of a child molester in the history of the United States. The execution will be held along with a free concert in New York City ’s Central Park .

While the list of performers at this gala event has not yet been announced, we have learned that the headline performer will be Michael Jackson who will open supported by the Vienna Boys Choir singing “We Are The World” and “Its A Small World“.

Investigative reporters did a “fly over” of the concert/execution site which has been under tight security due to heavy anti-death penalty protests and outrage. They were able to get photos of what appeared to be gallows and a seating gallery being constructed. These photos will be published shortly.

Rumors have been flying as to who will get to be the lucky executioner for this event, which is expected to break all national television ratings records. The Bush Administration today announced that a national lottery will be held to select the executioner. The only selection criteria announced was that the “winning executioner” had to be over 18 years old and a card carrying member of the National Rifle Association (NRA). When contacted, NRA spokespersons were delighted at this requirement and said membership has quadrupled since the announcement. The most compelling question has yet to be answered by the Administration.

When asked about the identity of the lucky “executionee,” President George W. Bush, who is vacationing at Camp David , declined to comment due to security concerns, but did state that all money from the lottery would go to fund the Global War on Terror.

When asked how this execution could take place after the recent Supreme Court decision banning executions for child rape Bush stated :

“The war against pedophiles is an international battle. I have therefore signed an Executive Order declaring all child molesters “enemy combatants”. The execution will therefore take place in accordance with my power under the Military Commissions Act of 2006 and the newly amended War Powers Act to arrest, detain, torture and execute pretty much anyone I want to if they piss me off”

It is rumored that this event will be beamed to countries worldwide, including Thailand which is thought to be the pedophile capital of the world. It will also be beamed to the Middle East , so that it may be viewed in conjunction with whatever public executions happen to be scheduled that day. The media will publish breaking news announcements as new events develop.

16 Comments For This Post

LewP Says:
July 5th, 2008 at 11:01 pm

OK, I don’t know which is worse in this entire story, the child molester, Michael Jackson, (well, that’s one in the same I guess), or President Bush for arranging the public execution of said “event”. Interesting read, but at the end, I didn’t know who to root for here.

LewPs last blog post..Happy Birthday America!!!!

Chris Says:
July 6th, 2008 at 4:55 am

Brian, your imagination is both funny and disturbing. Please denote somewhere in your article that it is a farce. We wouldn’t want people to take this article too seriously, would we?

J.W. Says:
July 6th, 2008 at 11:08 am

lol

Brian Cuban Says:
July 6th, 2008 at 11:55 am

# Chris Says:
July 6th, 2008 at 4:55 am e

Brian, your imagination is both funny and disturbing. Please denote somewhere in your article that it is a farce. We wouldn’t want people to take this article too seriously, would we?

Chris: If I put a satire disclaimer on there it is no longer a satire. I think there is enough outrageous stuff in there to both make my point about the hypocrisy of the Bush Administration and the death penalty as well as make it clear that it is not real.

Don Wilson Says:
July 6th, 2008 at 5:32 pm

Sounds like one of George Carlin’s bits.

James Marino Says:
July 6th, 2008 at 8:38 pm

I knew it had to be satire when I read it was being held in Central Park. The Central Park Conservancy would require all sorts of permits to kill someone.

James Marinos last blog post..Yesterday…

david Says:
July 7th, 2008 at 12:10 am

Funny….but I thought, for this event, Bush would be at home in the Suburb of
Dubai, Crawford Texas, one of the ‘Safe’ havens for Extra National
Corporate Aristocrats to watch the Oil Aneurysm Apocalypse from.

jennifer Says:
July 7th, 2008 at 6:23 pm

Too bad it was just a joke. I am all for public executions. Anyone who knows what happened to little Shasta Groenie in Idaho should agree. Is there really any stupid bleeding hearts out there that think that child murderers and rapists deserve mercy. I don’t want to pay for them to live their lives out. Those people actually want to get caught and have the rest of their lives structured and paid for. Some of them even want the death penalty because they want to die but don’t have the guts to kill themselves. If they knew their execution would be slow, painful and public I’d bet most of them would not commit the crime.

jennifer Says:
July 7th, 2008 at 7:15 pm

I am all for capital punishment. Anyone who knows what happened to little Shasta Groenie in Idaho would agree. Does Joseph Duncan deserve mercy for what he did. He was driving down I-5 and saw shasta playing in her yard and pulled off the freeway killed her mother, stepfather and older brother. He then kidnapped Shasta and her younger brother whom he later raped, killed and left at a camp ground in Montana. He was caught while he still had Shasta and later confessed to everything. There is D.N.A that proves his guilt. Should we pay to let him live out his life?

Not only do I believe he should be executed, but it should be slow, painful and public. Some of these people want to get caught. They want to live out their lives in prison where life is structured and paid for. Some even want to be put to death because they don’t have the guts to do it themselves. Some even know that if they get a good Attorney they will get a deal or even get off. That’s how confident and uncaring criminals are these days. They know that more than likely some bleeding hearts will let them free.

I think that for all murderers and child rapists who have been proven guilty beyond a shadow of doubt thru D.N.A, witnesses and confessions should receive public execution. If criminals knew that they could get a slow painful public execution it would deter most of that type of crime. I tried to find information on public execution but could only find sites on military type executions, which I am against. I did find some sites that where for it but only provided personal opinions or jokes on the subject. I remember reading an article many years ago that compared the crime rates in Japan back when they performed public execution to today’s crime rates. Well lets just say that in those days major crimes where none existent. I read the book Shogun as well, Japanese culture is fascinating. In shogun when they capture the rival warlord they bury him in the ground up to his neck and let the villagers come by and take one slice of his neck with a bamboo saw.

I would like to see a panel of violent crime victims who would be in charge of public executions. They would pick someone who has been a victim and let them choose and carry out the execution. That would sure detour some of those sickos running around free in our society. I think we should look back into the past at how different societies dealt with certain types of violent crimes. I am sick of living in a world where the only ones who have any freedom anymore are the criminals, sexual deviants, religious weirdos, homosexuals and sicko’s who label me with names like racist or behind the times or closed minded because some sick homo wants to make out in public and I’m told I have to accept this and I’m in the wrong if I don’t like things which I find evil and up until the last decade where unacceptable in all societies. But yea, lets just open the door to everyone’s personal desires and then sit around in confusion bitching and complaining because we can’t understand why life as we know it is going down the toilet.

school assignment that was turned in

Dude Says:
July 7th, 2008 at 7:41 pm

@Jennifer. Child molesters are bad. No one will dispute this but NAMBLA, a.k.a other child molesters. Them aside, no one will disagree with you on this. However, your name calling “stupid bleeding hearts” really undermines your argument. You fail to show how threat of public execution will dissuade a mentally ill person. Simply put, they are sick people whose brains are obviously wired differently than a sane person. We even call these defective people sick. We call them sickos, perverts, wack jobs, disturbed — all words indicating mental defect.

You appear to merely be interested in vengeance. Vengeance answers nothing. I have a 16 year old daughter and twin 12 year old boys. If anyone ever molested them, I would want that person removed from society. I would not, however, want them executed. If my children were crippled from any such attack, I would want the punishment to fit the crime. Let the criminal live a hellish existence in prison as a child molester for the rest of their days. But execution? No. That is too far. We are not savages. We aren’t China or Pakistan.

It is a matter of looking to the future and healing instead of living in the past with all that pain. Again, prison life for a child molester is hellish as it is.

And yes, I say show mercy and forgiveness. The whole damn world could use a healthy dose of that. I’d prefer to be of the philosophy that building up the good will always accomplish more than trying to destroy the bad. Two wrongs never make a right.

Wrong Says:
July 8th, 2008 at 9:46 pm

Jennifer, you claim that Joseph Duncan was driving down I-5? In Idaho? That is quite odd, considering I-5 Doesn’t come within 200 miles of Idaho. Also, how would he see her playing in her yard from a limited access highway with speeds of 60-70 mph that doesn’t run through any neighborhoods? If you’re going to make a post like that, try to get your facts straight.
That being said, nothing gives one man the moral authority to take the life of another. The death penalty is not a deterrent to any crime. Fear of death isn’t going to be on the mind of someone who is mentally sick, or someone who is in a murderous rage. And to the poster that said they don’t want to pay for these child molesters to sit in prison for life, the death penalty costs the taxpayer more money than life in prison, because of all the appeals that have to be exhausted before the death sentence is carried out. Capital punishment simply does not work.

hazel Says:
July 8th, 2008 at 9:49 pm

Good god, I think its probably a sad sign that for the most of this artical I was getting ready to right an outraged letter to someone. I do hope this never happens, Im aware that in some states relatives are allowed to watch the exections of criminals responsible for killing their loved ones, so maybe this isn’t so far fetched; hopefully Other countries would step in though, mine for one.

organisedchaos Says:
July 9th, 2008 at 4:18 am

@jennifer
good thing you didnt go and take a random, over the top, rare case scenario to stir emotion and make a point, pigeonholing a group of people into one extreme category. otherwise id have to say youre the one deserving of execution for being such a stupid twat.
rape is not the same as child molesting. when ANYONE is raped, it is worse than any normal kiddie fiddler. to lump them all into the one category is ignorant, otherwise you could say that someone who steals garden gnomes is equal to someone who breaks into your house, holds you at gunpoint, takes everything you have and beats you into a coma. only those who are incapable of thinking coherently tend to be unable to separate different degrees of error.

Tom Says:
July 9th, 2008 at 5:07 am

that article got me right until bush said he can kill anyone who pisses him off, if only it was true

Meand Julio Says:
September 9th, 2008 at 4:11 am

Since 90% of child molesters are family members and close family friends and not strangers, I think prospective parents should be required to take a psychological course and pass an exam and be licensed by the state before they’re allowed to procreate. Any couple having a child without first passing the test will have their child removed from their custody and remanded over to the state.
This isn’t a punishment for having a child without government permission, it’s merely a civil law designed to take into account the welfare of the child.
Nobody who cares about children should object to this law. If it saves one child from experiencing the horrible trauma of sex before he or she is old enough to fully comprehend the feelings experienced, it will be worth it.

Mac Says:
September 13th, 2008 at 6:03 am

Capital punishment would work if we limited apeals to those that prove innocense instead of allowing the lawyers to appeal over and over about technicalities. If they can’t prove he or she was convicted in error than the appeal should not be allowed. One bad juror or one bad witness should not throw out a case when DNA, other witnesses as well as other scientific data proves they have the right person. I agree that the procedures were needed years ago before science came up to speed, and as English jurist William Blackstone stated “Better that ten guilty persons escape than that one innocent suffer.” Today we have much better tools and if those tools can be used to remove all doubt about guilt, then further appeals ae a waste of time and money. Sure, go ahead and run the test 2 or 3 more times with different labs to make sure, but stop playing games in court that have nothing to do with seeking truth and justice.