I suffer from clinical depression. Not the fleeting kind you suffer when your NBA team was eliminated from the playoffs or your girl dumps you by text message. The kind that results in life changing and ending decisions for many us suffering. The ugly “S” word. The journey associated with the often daily battle through fog and fear has taken me down many a dark road. In the past months I have seen people I know, unable to find answers or hope take the journey into the abyss from which there is no return. As I sadly read of their decision to take that final jump into the final darkness, terminating the future, I am reminded of how all so fast it can happen.
This slide into darkness has its own unique components for different people. Some are luckier than others in the support they get or their ability to reach out for that support. I was very lucky. I had everyone who loved me living in my city and within a few miles of me. They were all in my life and knew my routines. That is what saved me. If I did not have that I would be dead.
I do not remember placing the Italian 45-caliber automatic pistol that my best friend had given me for a gift on my nightstand. I do not remember emailing him for bullets. I do not remember emailing others of my desire to end my life. I realize now that it was my way of reaching out for help. My only memory of those terrible few days on the edge 6 years ago was being wakened out of a Xanax stupor by people who cared for me, the pistol sitting inches away from me. It happens that easy. It was all so easy to slide in the fog from a Xanax coma to a 45 cal bullet. It did not happen. People loved me, cared and intervened.
While I think I have suffered from depression since I was a child, I do not have any sense of time in its effects as you have to realize it’s an issue to start the clock. It has had its ups and downs. Medication works wonders. Talking to professionals helps. Having a family that loves me, recognized something was wrong and was willing to intervene is something that many who suffer do not have. I am very lucky.
There however was one dark period that the low was so low and the fog of depression was so great that I only have vague memories of literally living on the edge of permanent darkness.
I have thought about telling this story before. I have always backed off because of self-interest. I did not want to be perceived as weak. I did not want to be stereotyped, stigmatized or shamed. I did not want sympathy. In the end, it is what it is. If someone can take the message from this that there is hope and recovery from the edge of darkness to happiness and accomplishment in life. If someone will see that reaching out even when you do not want to has the greatest up side at all. If one person gets that I will take all the S’s people can throw at me.
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June 22nd, 2010 at 2:34 am
Been there Bro…Sometimes I still dance around the edge. Its scary…So Dark.
June 22nd, 2010 at 2:36 am
Thanks for being brave enough to tell your story. It will help others.
June 22nd, 2010 at 2:51 am
You have no idea how much I wish that all who suffer from it could get themselves through it as you did, and fight as hard as you have.
June 22nd, 2010 at 3:03 am
Glad you're here.
June 22nd, 2010 at 3:49 am
This may be the best thing you've ever written. i salute your courage and your commitment.
June 22nd, 2010 at 4:15 am
Brian, you are so incredibly brave…I commend you for sharing and encouraging others. Today, I was incredibly overwhelmed, and your blog inspired me to think, "I can handle this…and God's got this." Thanks Brian.
June 22nd, 2010 at 4:24 am
I heard a good observation from the lead singer of the Go-Go's (Belinda Carlisle) on The View recently. She said that for many it is not, "have you hit bottom?, or did you hit your bottom…? it is ; "How many times do you have to hit your bottom? Before you seek, or are forced to get help?". I too, was lucky to have a strong support of family and friends, councelors and recovered people to help me. It is possible to overcome the need to self medicate, so that you can grapple with and try and solve the real problems that are causing resentment, hurt, anger, etc. I know. I am living proof. I have my beliefs. And still my problems, everyday learning to react differently to people and being humble. Thank you for the honesty and encouragement. Especially now.
June 22nd, 2010 at 5:12 am
Many times, medications such as Xanax only add more dark to the darkness. Trying to get off of these sorts of drugs can lead to symptoms worse than those that lead people to take them.
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June 22nd, 2010 at 6:12 am
Thank you for sharing such an intimate part of yourself with the world, I know it has already made a difference to at least one.
June 22nd, 2010 at 6:10 pm
May the Force be with you
June 22nd, 2010 at 7:12 pm
Heavy and direct information which means that there is healing taking place when sharing self-disclosure so personal with others. It's a naked feeling but also a sign of strength for whatever you suffer from this it's not your fault and good to ask for help. Understanding and support and genuine love are the tools that will help you heal. You would be surprised how many others are like you but can not overcome the fear as you have had the courage to confront it by admission. You can only get better. Overcoming.
June 23rd, 2010 at 7:24 am
You are an amazing, courageous survivor. You and your loved ones are blessed to have one another. Your sharing this will inspire and save many others. God bless.
June 24th, 2010 at 1:33 pm
God Bless you, Brian. Bravo. SO powerful.