I purchased a new set of headphones at Best Buy. Mine died of natural causes. I am one of those people that cannot work out unless I am listening to something so it was imperative that I got a new set before my next workout. I thought I had it planned out perfectly. I would buy the headphones, run home, get my gym stuff and be ready to rock and roll!
I found a cool pair that I liked. I got them home. Everything was going as planned. I guess I never really noticed or thought about the fact that they were enclosed in this big thick plastic case. The kind that need to be opened with a phaser or a Jedi light saber. No big deal. I would just get the scissors out and I am ready to go. There were no scissors to be found.
So here we go… I ripped it with my hands, stomped it with my feet, tore it with my teeth, fed it to my dog,
fed it to my cat, stabbed it, jabbed it, prayed over it and cursed it. It just smiled back at me laughing, still snugly encased in its plastic kryptonite home. Where is Superman when you need him? Finally in a fit of rage, I took a knife and wildly stabbed at. I completely missed it and impaled my hand. I screamed loudly and throw the package across the room. I heard my cat scream. I looked over and it had sliced off the end of her tail.
After I bandaged my hand, I picked up the cat and the headphones and headed for the vet. On the way to the vet I look at the headphones and they were still in their plastic case laughing at me. I decided that I would have the last laugh and tossed them onto the highway to face a gruesome end by tire squash.
I got my cats tail re-attached. I got my hand stitched and headed home. I was stopped at a red light and out of the corner of my eye I saw a homeless guy wearing my headphones and petting his cat. He was obviously smarter that I was! 
I missed my workout……
Question to ponder? What is the point of these “kryptonite cases”? Medieval Chastity Belts were probably easier to break into. Somebody please tell me who invented it so I can send him or her my vet bill.
©2008 Brian Cuban
June 25th, 2008 at 7:32 pm
That is hilarious…I know exactly how you feel!
June 25th, 2008 at 10:47 pm
You need anger management.
June 25th, 2008 at 10:55 pm
To Captain Obvious: Anyone who does not realize that it is purely a satire on the difficulty in opening electronics plastic cases may not need anger management but definitely needs to find a sense of humor somewhere.
June 25th, 2008 at 11:34 pm
Well written, congrats on getting made popular on Digg!
June 25th, 2008 at 11:36 pm
They’re called utility knives. They cost 99 cents at lowes. Invest in one.
June 25th, 2008 at 11:45 pm
To: Cpt. Obvious.
Re: Anger Management.
Anger Management is the typical reccomendation of pussies who can’t cope with emotions above the Prozac level.
Additionally, I’d hate to think what would have happened if you’d offered such a suggestion to your drill seargent.
In closing, consider yourself on KP for the next two weeks.
Yours,
Maj. Upheaval.
PS: Cuban, I hope the cat forgave you afterwards, and feels no ill-will towards the homeless guy’s cat. Soldier on!
June 25th, 2008 at 11:46 pm
Maybe this is obvious, but I’m for better or worse a bit literal. The cases are made that way for logistical purposes. They ship them in container ships and want to make the product damage proof. In those cases the product can slosh around in an improperly packed rocking container ship for two weeks, stacked 8 feet high, surviving possible immersion in water if there’s an accident (or get rained on), wait in various warehouses infested with hungry rats, and they’ll still look fairly pristine on the store shelf after you shake the rat droppings off them.
That’s literally why they do that. The more considerate package designers provide a perforated tab that you can open with your hands fairly easily.
June 25th, 2008 at 11:46 pm
If you cut around the edge, where the 2 sides of the plastic are super heated and stuck together, it will easily come off. I worked at Best Buy for 4 years and never realised that if you do this, cases are no longer a problem.
Remember: Cut the edge off and you’ve won.
June 25th, 2008 at 11:48 pm
Ya know you could have taken the cat to Wal-mart; might have been cheaper. I understand they are one of America’s largest re-tailers.
June 25th, 2008 at 11:50 pm
For all those concerned about my cat, or mad that I abused my cat. The piece is a satire on the difficulty on getting consumer electronics out of plastic cases. I promise that my cat is fine, tail and all…..
June 25th, 2008 at 11:53 pm
The owner of g4hq invented them. Enjoy looking for his address.
Karn Patels last blog post..Americas Political Problems - All of the Recent News
June 25th, 2008 at 11:55 pm
Send the vet bill to the guy you see in the mirror when you are alone.
k
June 25th, 2008 at 11:57 pm
But Brian, it’s Captain Obvious. Everyone knows Captain Obvious is immune to satire. (And boy, what a pain it is to touchtype Captain Obvious, stumble, stumble)
June 25th, 2008 at 11:58 pm
The purpose of the packaging is so you have to steal the whole package, not just the item in it. This keeps places like walmart and best buy from being littered with empty packages from people stealing stuff off all the shelves.
Brad
http://x86v.com
Bradford Knowltons last blog post..VMHP Microsoft Virtual Server 2005 R2, Part 2 of Many
June 25th, 2008 at 11:58 pm
Funny stuff,
But I would like to note that if you provide lateral pressure to the seam
it usually pops, seems lots of people do not know that.
it is just a simple melt, try it in the department store
you can save alot of people the stress of opening stuff.
I do it all the time, just randomly opening packages at the store.
but did you really hurt the cat’s tail with it?
June 26th, 2008 at 12:02 am
rofl at punzer, silly maybe, but that was quite clever
*bravo*
June 26th, 2008 at 12:14 am
I found that, if out side with no tools available, your house keys come in quite handy for slicing that plastic up.
June 26th, 2008 at 12:35 am
I HATE those things…. What you do is buy it, then immediately walk to the customer service desk and say… “pry the dang thing out of this rediculous plastic case”… I then throw whatever wreckage there is from the packing, product, extra cables, receipts, etc., into the “best buy” or whatever, and leave it in my trunk. Then, If i need to take the product back for some reason, its all there in the trunk… for the return…
June 26th, 2008 at 12:36 am
… i meant… ” i throw whatever into the “best buy” bag… etc…
June 26th, 2008 at 12:44 am
you are a moron
June 26th, 2008 at 12:48 am
Love it!! Still hate those darn things. Have butchered myslef many a times trying to get into them.
June 26th, 2008 at 12:48 am
It’s just another way we consumers are tormented by “the man”. The corporations have decided that preventing the occasional theft is more important than the convenience of every customer. They’d rather you spend precious time, energy and risk possible harm (and PAY for it) than waste their money- for which they are covered by insurance!
June 26th, 2008 at 12:54 am
“They’re called utility knives. They cost 99 cents at lowes. Invest in one.”
See, WHY DO WE NEED TO “INVEST” IN ONE?!We’ve already paid the often extortionate price to pay at the checkout, we need not to invest in anything more.
June 26th, 2008 at 1:01 am
I bet he had a bunch of pirated MP3’s
June 26th, 2008 at 1:11 am
If this wasn’t such an obviously fake story I might’ve enjoyed it more.. like the part about throwing away the headsets and finding a hobo using it is kinda… lame..
June 26th, 2008 at 1:11 am
Ah, poor little kitty cat. he so cute! LOL
JT
http://www.Fireme.To/udi
June 26th, 2008 at 1:36 am
There’s a special tool for these, the website is http://www.plasticsurgeonopener.com. I bought one, then two afterwards as gifts. I have no relationship with the company; it’s the best solution I’ve found because of the tool’s safety feature.
June 26th, 2008 at 1:36 am
Poor Kitty! How the hell did you not see its tail you idiot?
June 26th, 2008 at 1:40 am
Ten years ago I encountered the grandfather to your earphone case. In my case (heh) it was holding a SIMM, I think, and it took me HOURS to open this blister pack from hell. This effing thing was not only heat soldered shut all the way around the clamshell opening, but the plastic was not the flexible type of plastic typical of blister type packaging that can be cut with scissors or sliced with a utility knife. It was thick, hard, brittle plastic, like the plastic housing on an appliance.
Fuck. My CAR wasn’t made this well.
I called CompUSA where I had purchased this SIMM and asked them why they had put this item in an impossible-to-open package. They referred me to the manufacturer, name long forgotten.
The manufacturer told me that they put these computer hardware items in this type of packaging because the store requested it, to prevent pilferage.
Of course, the SIMM had been sold from behind the counter at CompUSA; I paid for it and they deposited it into my hands when I showed them proof of payment. It had never made it out to the display.
June 26th, 2008 at 1:58 am
I hate those plastic clamshell cases. There was a study done a while ago and if I remember at all correctly the plastic results in over 100,000 human visits to the emergency room each year. So, I understand why you were super frustrated and angry. That said, please DO NOT ever ever ever throw stuff onto the highway again. At the very least some poor cop or clean up person has to pick it up, perhaps even stopping traffic before they do so. Even worse, a motorcyclist could hit it, get off balance and have a potentially fatal accident, or a really bad driver could do something stupid trying to avoid your trash. NEVER THROW ANYTHING ON THE HIGHWAY! Thanks.
June 26th, 2008 at 2:11 am
I think it is funny that they encase knives and scissors inside these same tiny little plastic fortresses.
June 26th, 2008 at 2:11 am
Lol @ Punzer.
It’s actually a conspiracy. The packaging manufacturers are paid off by major scissor corporations and the makers of Prozac.
What really gets me is the packaging on CD and DVD cases. If I were to go on a murderous rampage, it would most likely be after leaving my local Bull Moose Music store with a new CD.
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June 26th, 2008 at 2:22 am
It’s called brain. Find out where yours is and start using it!
June 26th, 2008 at 2:46 am
That made me LOL! Seriously, we don’t have to worry about the Chinese, or Japanese nuking us. All they have to di is keep sending us plastic encased electronics that are impossible to open. Eventually the frustration will drive us to mass suicide.
Michael Lonergans last blog post..Battlestar Season 4.5 Teaser
June 26th, 2008 at 3:01 am
Why do you show a picture of the SteelSeries 5H v2 headphones, when that product isn’t available at Best Buy? Not to mention that the box you’re showing actually opens (and closes) like a cardboard box. You don’t need a knife, it’s as easy as opening a box of cereal.
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June 26th, 2008 at 3:15 am
“Why do you show a picture of the SteelSeries 5H v2 headphones, when that product isn’t available at Best Buy? Not to mention that the box you’re showing actually opens (and closes) like a cardboard box. You don’t need a knife, it’s as easy as opening a box of cereal.”
Because it is all I could find on the internet. It a S-A-T-I-R-E I said it slowy so you would get it and understand it is NOT-A-TRUE-STORY
June 26th, 2008 at 3:22 am
I got your attempt at humor (you fail so hard it was almost funny) - but why show packaging that was actually designed to eliminate the very problem your “satire” is about?
Google is awesome btw. If you have other stuff you cannot find on the Internet, you should give it a try. Then you don’t have to admit incompetence in public again.
http://images.google.com/images?um=1&hl=en&safe=off&client=firefox-a&rls=org.mozilla%3Aen-US%3Aofficial&q=blister+box&btnG=Search+Images
See what I did there? I helped you. Have fun mate.
June 26th, 2008 at 3:27 am
It’s true, there are some difficult plastic boxes to open, but if you manage to cut your hand and the tail of your cat with that, I think you are probably getting into a Darwin Award at one point of your life.
June 26th, 2008 at 3:45 am
dude. Use a fucking razor blade. I do it a million times a day at my job at cvs. Works every time, I’ve never cut myself.
June 26th, 2008 at 3:47 am
Good Heavens, a Pandora’s Box have you?
Your anger is shared by the many of us and your cat has become an hero! Now if Japan started making robot dolls that came in such a package…
it’d be doom running with scissors.
June 26th, 2008 at 4:20 am
Wow, a lot of people really missed the satire…..
Nice article, and totally true
June 26th, 2008 at 4:33 am
Wow, you are a retard. Trying to sound clever by overanalyzing mundane everyday objects, especially blister packs, are highly contrived and unoriginal.
June 26th, 2008 at 5:55 am
scissors… u need scissoooooors
June 26th, 2008 at 6:10 am
yo funny as hell… i lmao
June 26th, 2008 at 6:44 am
The cases aren’t made that way to stop the product getting damaged, it’s so you can’t take the item back to the store and say you never opened/used it.
And yes I hate those f’ing cases too… maybe if the gas prices stay high plastic prices will become so bad too that they’ll have to go back to the good old cardboard packaging…
June 26th, 2008 at 6:49 am
That is just a great story
I am sorry your cat had to go through what it did, but it has humor. I love cutting open those packages then returning the item and thinking about what the sales person thinks I did to open that package. Cause everyone opens them completely different from the next, it is almost a test, is it a test?
June 26th, 2008 at 8:42 am
Dear Brian Cuban:
Please grow nails… real and real long nails. Fortify them with protien (or is it protein?). Harden them with nail polish… the works.
Will come in handy not only to open such obstinate objects but also to ‘fence’ with your cat (playing, that is) !
And yet another use - you can claw to death all those who did/do not understand your s-a-t-i-r-e and somehow think it is a t–r–u–e—s–t–o–r–y !!
June 26th, 2008 at 11:16 am
Very funny story, but what’s almost even more amusing are all the people who are calling you an idiot because the story isn’t valid or you’re trying to “sound clever”
I think someones jealous that they can’t write satire that registers so strongly on digg.
keep up the funny!
June 26th, 2008 at 11:24 am
So funny! Lol.
Andrews last blog post..10 Motion Sickness Tips For The Healthy Traveler
June 26th, 2008 at 11:47 am
I totally agree with you.
I hate those stupid packages. I once had a USB and accidently cut through a CD that came with it because of those stupid packages.
June 26th, 2008 at 12:59 pm
Haha… I love it. I hate those plastic containers, and I always end up having to give them to someone else to open, or else I cut through the user manuals in the boxes… >_>
June 26th, 2008 at 6:16 pm
Why would you get Superman to help you open the “Kryptonite” case?! Someone needs to study their history. Because of this blatant oversight, I am forced to disregard the article entirely.
…
Now THAT’S satire.
June 26th, 2008 at 7:57 pm
I use a pair of tinsnips. Even then some packaging comes with such a thick polycarbonate film that I fear for my life (plastic cuts!). I now take the more onerous ones and trim them into knifes. Someday I hope to arm a mob with these and chase down a few packaging engineers.
June 26th, 2008 at 11:17 pm
Hilarious.
June 26th, 2008 at 11:57 pm
Umm get some KERSAW scissors they cut anything!
-maxxstiles.com
MAXXSTILESs last blog post..WTF happening here now
June 27th, 2008 at 3:58 am
apparently there are two teams on this thread. Those few geniuses who work in factories or retail outlets which ship and/or receive their products in clamshell packaging, and the rest of us frustrated idiots in bandages.
I should not have to struggle with, devise a method for, nor invest in a removal procedure for the packaging of any item I choose to buy. As for the “easy-open tab” on the back; I failed my ninth grade “playing with razors” course.
Plastic clamshells are disrespectful of the consumer. Period. I don’t care what your justifications are.
And they sure as hell ain’t green.
And if you expect me to stand in line for the privilege of “checking myself out” through an automated teller so that I can go home and mount a nuclear assault on the product packaging…
But then again, you guys defending or dismissing this stuff are not only missing the point of the satire, you’re prolly the same guys who willingly sit in the Burger King drive-through for 40 minutes to get a box of fried cheese.
June 27th, 2008 at 6:19 am
That is so funny, it’s sad. Poor kitty…poor lil thing. I know how you feel though. I have gone through that before, except the cat part, and have cut my hands numerous times. I tend to have the same lil rage about things too, so I understand. I think it is even more funny that people are actually telling you to use a knife like you didn’t already know that…haha Good luck with your new headphones whenever you buy them again. Look at it this way, you made some poor guy a really happy man.:)God Bless Brian!
June 30th, 2008 at 2:33 am
Seems its not only toys and electronics that come this way. Ever tried to open some of those over the counter kryptonite case enclosed medications? I know they are plentiful here in Dallas and I can only imagine how many are on shelves throughout the country.
Every time I have to reach for my Allergy Relief pills I go through hell trying to get them open. At first I tried a hammer and chisel and then a hacksaw and finally found out that the only tool that works is a Black and Decker High Performance RTX Three Speed Rotary Tool!
Unfortunately, these are NOT included in the package and must be purchased separately along with the below attachments:
#1 Circle Cutter— “allows the operator to cut perfect circles in almost any building material.”
#2 Grinder, Cut Off, Sander and Polisher Attachment— “allows the operator to grind, cut sand or polish a wide variety of materials.”
#3 Guided Bits— “allows the operator to cut wallboard around electrical boxes without damaging the box.”
Since these pill manufacturers have no disclaimer on their label stating that the pills can not be accessed without the purchase of these tools, a class action lawsuit is obviously in order.
I propose getting together and formulating our class action lawsuit plans which would obviously result in a quick and substantial judgment in our favor. We could then FORCE these devious manufacturers to include a rotary tool AND attachments with every purchase of over the counter kryptonite enclosed pills!
While you’re busy taking care of that, I’ll take the funds from the judgment and travel to other locations in the world and seek out other opportunities to extend our stand for the common man. I figure I’ll hit Hawaii first so I can verify that the problem has been resolved there, and I’ll take along some 22-28 year old model so they can test how easy it is to use the now included tool on the pills.
Please have these class action papers drawn up by Wednesday so you can get them to the courthouse downtown. Be sure and arrange to have a few models at your office first thing tomorrow morning so I can choose the weakest looking one to take to Hawaii with me.
I’ll see you tomorrow!