I can immediately solve the problem of athletes who for one reason or another feel the need to carry firearms. I have the solution for Plaxico Burress and every other professional athlete who feels a sense of entitlement and necessity to pack heat while out and about because they feel unsafe, targets of opportunity, put upon, or just simply irritated by us non-recognizable types who are only packing a credit card and some bullshit lines to try on women when we hit the clubs.  If you are a professional athlete and  listen to my advice, you will never feel the need to “go heavy” into the night again. We will all be safer for it.  Here it is.  Pay close attention.

Immediately quit your job with your NFL team, NBA team, MLB team etc.  Immediately take a job digging ditches or working at Jack In The Box.  You will no longer have the famous name. You will no longer have the millions of dollars. You will no longer have the wads of cash.  You will no longer have the blingy bling. You will no longer be walked passed the line into the hot night clubs with that sense of entitlement to pack heat, break the law and endanger the rest of us every day anonymous schmos who dont know you from adam. Every reason you had for packing will disappear overnight. You will now be one of us anonymous schmos who expect the only people packing arounds are those who are doing so legally.  Do all of this and your problems will be solved.  I can even help you out right now.  The Jack down the street from me is hiring.