Puking For Acceptance

I read an article entitled “Male Eating Disorder Rise Blamed On Social Pressure”  The article in part states:

“Anorexia may have traditionally been considered to be a “women’s disease” but dramatic increases in the number of male sufferers are being seen by eating disorder experts.  Men now account for between 5 and 10 per cent of all eating disorder sufferers.”  Bulimia, like anorexia, is an eating disorder traditionally associated with women.

Some of the physical problems associated with the Bulimia are:

I empathize with any male sufferer being too ashamed and embarrassed to seek treatment.  I went through a three year brutal battle with the disease during my sophomore through senior  years as a student at Penn State University.  If you think that it is a disease under-reported by men in the 21st century  try being a 21 year old male bulimia sufferer on a college campus of Forty-Thousand in 1981.  Its a lonely and isolating affliction.

“One consultant has revealed that for the first time, he has seen more male anorexia referrals than females”  He believed the increase was due to greater social pressure on men to look good.”

A referral to treatment is for the most part not going to be anything a male 18 year old freshman in college thinks about.  I did not even tell my family. I was not about to ask for medical or other help.  Even with the rising report rates this is still very common for male sufferers of the disease.  I went through several emotional battles within myself. There is the overwhelming feeling of shame.  I would have rather told my family I wanted a sex change than I was throwing up after every meal.  You have no context for understanding  what you are going through.  You truly believe that once  you are thin enough to have reached your goal all your social problems will be solved.  You are never thin enough.

The article states that men are becoming more like women in trying to emulate the male model types they see in the magazine.  I never saw it that way.  In the pre-MTV and DIRECTV world of my college days, you were simply not exposed to those types of images to any significant degree. I equated being thinner with being more accepted and popular. I was not comparing myself to television and other media images. I was comparing myself to the people I saw around me on a daily basis. My perception going through high school was that there were no fat popular kids and if there happened to be one in the cool crowd they were always the class clowns. I was too introverted for that. I  was not a model. I was just your average fat kid trying to fit in and wanting to be popular like the thin kids seemed to be. I wanted that life. I wanted any life but mine.  I In order to help my weight along I decided to get into long distance running.  I eventually worked my way up to running  10 -20 miles a day, 7 days a week.  I would run 10 in the morning and the same in the evening. I was always training for one marathon or another. When the day was over I scarf down a 2lb bag of peanut M&Ms.  I would then head straight to my next best friend, the toilet, to puke it all up.  This behavior was repeated with pizza, fast food etc. There were days that between not eating, puking after I ate and running long distances I was too dehydrated and weak to even get out of bed.  No matter how much weight I lost or how thin I became I always saw the same person in the mirror.  It was some beastly kid who still needed to drop a few lbs that had no friends.( I did have friends but was pretty much a loner regardless)

In the span of one year I went from 230 lbs to 165 lbs at 6′2.  As appealing as that may seem to some, it was a brutal, almost deadly ride that I would not wish on my worst enemy. In my mind being thinner  was the only possible route to social acceptance.  I was not trying to reach some unattainable model goal, I was simply trying to fit in.  The problem is that regardless of why you think you need to either starve yourself or binge and purge the reflection in the mirror never ever changes until you are dead.

Fast forward to present day.  Today as I sit here writing this in at 230lbs in 2008 I still hold the battle scars from my struggles over 25 years ago.  While I was able to beat the eating and binging part by replacing it with healthier obsessions such as running and weightlifting, the mental and mirror images stay with you for life.

Copyright 2009

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At My Thinnest

At My Thinnest 1982-165lbs

2008-230lbs

2008-230lbs

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10 Comments For This Post

  1. Andrew Galasetti (2 comments.) Says:

    Remarkable story Brian. Congrats on overcoming the disease!

    -Andrew

  2. Matt P (11 comments.) Says:

    I have to say I never have sympathy for this. My favorite cousin suffers this and it was kind of the one thing I was never there for her for. I don’t understand it. Really I don’t. Why do you feel so needing of acceptance that you would do this to yourself? Is there a total lack of love of self? I hope I don’t sound too arrogant here, I was like pretty much every kid I thought growing up. I mean, I wanted to be cool, I wanted to be something… I guess something impressive… but at some point I just had so much going on in life I didn’t have as much time to care. Why are you different? What was going on in your head?

  3. Matt P (11 comments.) Says:

    I just realized that sounded completely mean. I didn’t mean it to. I just more or less wanted to know what goes through your head when this is happening? I believe life is habit, so it’s the initial creation of the habit that makes me wonder.

  4. Kathryn Says:

    Lest anyone jump in with the “screw you if you don’t wanna eat” type comment, let me assure you–eating disorders are devastating. They have deep-rooted psychological causes, and should be taken just as seriously as any mental or emotional disorder.

    Many times, when you ask someone with an eating disorder why they don’t just stop, the answer is going to be, “I don’t know; I only know I can’t.”

    Congratulations on your success with this illness, Brian, and keep fighting.

  5. Kathryn Says:

    @ Matt P: My comment isn’t directed at you; it just didn’t post until after yours. Many people with eating disorders suffer from an obsessive/compulsive problem as well.

  6. Deadly Furby Says:

    I’ve always found it difficult to understand this condition. It’s not that I’m non-sympathetic, it’s simply a mental state of mind that I don’t understand. Unfortunately in the articles I’ve read about anorexia, none have succeeded in making someone truly understand the emotional and mental aspects of it. Generally, these articles simply give examples and tribulations yet fail to explain the mental aspects of the condition well enough from the patient’s point of view. I find the condition fascinating and one day hope to have the opportunity to be educated about it from a first person point of view. Good for you for overcoming it and being brave enough to talk about it openly!

  7. Melissa Z. Says:

    It is a sad disease. I overcame it too many years ago. Hardly anyone knows about me. That’s great for you that you decided to put it out there and hopefully inspire someone else to overcome it too.

  8. Matt P (11 comments.) Says:

    Yeah, so my question was, and still is… what’s the mental state going into it. Once it becomes a habit, I realize you can’t just stop (I know that wasn’t directed at me, but I still want to know…) what does one think? The first time you do it or when you just stop eating… is it that you think you’re fat and people won’t accept you? Seriously.. I guess I’m the most average kind of guy I know, so I don’t understand this at all… did kids make fun of you? Did your parents have anything to do with it?

  9. Dave Says:

    I went through this a few years back and I always wonder if it was narcissistic or my body actually rejecting what I was eating.

    It began a few years back when I had really got into training. I was working out 4-5 times a week, maybe more and sometimes even twice a day! I was sticking to a high protein diet (which was easy as Atkins was the height of fashion) and looked great.

    After a while, if I ate anything that I knew was bad for me like chinese food, junk food, anything heavily carb based or even a chocolate bar, I felt the urge to throw up. It wasn’t a concious decision, it just felt like both my body and mind were rebelling against it.

    It’s now about 5 years later and my gym obsession has settled, I havent thrown up in years, but sometime I honestly think it was the best thing I ever did to stay in shape. Maybe I’m linking the purging with looking in the best shape of my life and bedding some of the best looking women I’ve known, but some times I miss it.

    My only advice to people who are doing it would be to make sure you brush your teeth regularly with a soft brush (I was brushing 5 times a day!), drink a protein or liquid meal shake to make sure your body is getting some food, and take plenty of vitamins as you deplete your body of them rather quickly!

  10. Jennifer Says:

    I suffered with anorexia/bulemia for years until my son was born and even after, struggled with body image issues. Until I studied nutrition and fitness, I never had much control over it and even after that, I have had obsessive exercise and diet regimens that branch from the disorder. I still have to be very careful in times of stress to focus on not doing that. I believe more than acceptance, victims of this condition are seeking power and control in their lives. Most victims are pleasers. We do all we can to be perfect…to meet high expectations of others in every aspect of our lives. It goes so much deeper than wanting to be accepted and to fit in. It’s a very, very dangerous way to seek self-empowerment. I appreciate your sharing this with us! I know this will be a lifelong struggle but those of us who finally found the power within ourselves before it was too late are truly blessed.

1 Trackbacks For This Post

  1. Confessions Of A Steroid Monster | THE CUBAN REVOLUTION Says:

    [...] miles a day.  My weight had dropped to 165 lbs by my senior year in college throwing a three year bout with bulimia into the mix.  I ran several marathons.  When I finished law school and moved to Dallas in 1986 I [...]

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