Six Years Sober today. Six years removed from chaos and looking down into that dark, endless abyss.  It has not been an easy climb out, but as I learned to do that first difficult year of sobriety, all I can do it take it one day at at time and put one foot in front the other.  There have been, and there still are other challenges. Body Dysmorphic Disorder. Eating Disorders. Cocaine Addiction and Clinical Depression.  Each an individual battle in itself.  The potpourri of mental illness could have convinced me to throw in the towel. I almost did.  If I had done so,  I would have missed the best part of my life that had not yet been written.  I would have also missed the most important thing in the world to me after my sobriety.  My family.  My girlfriend who stood by me when it would have been so easy to walk away from the idiot addict I was.  My parents and brothers who have stood by me at every turn whether it was into traffic or finding the open lane. I love them all and am the luckiest guy in the world today to be sitting here getting to celebrate my father’s eighty-seventh birthday with my brothers.  Six years ago I could not have said it.  If I had, it would have been a lie.  I look forward to the future. The same as I started.  One step in front of the other.  One day at a time

Not long ago I was listening to a local sports radio station talking about the season long hitting slump of Texas Ranger slugger Josh Hamilton. Josh has been a great story for the Rangers and baseball.  He is a recovering alcoholic and drug addict.  His lows of addiction had taken him away from the game he loved in the name of  a simple inability to play high, failed drug tests and a drug related suspension. His battle back from those issues has been a national success story and inspiration to millions culminating with an All Star berth last year as well as a prolific slugging performance in the Home Run Derby.

Josh however, has been having a tough 2009 season.   Injuries and an inability to find his stroke this year have resulted in  significant drop off in production.  The talk show discussion revolved around the fact that Josh frankly does not look like the same player that hit 13 straight pitches out of the park in last years Home Run Derby.

As one might expect, the conversation turned to whether Josh had possibly gone off the wagon and whether that could be a reason for the decline.  There is certainly precedent in Josh’s past for that opinion. The talk show host( I believe it was Norm Hitzges) opined that he did not think alcohol or drug use was a factor in Josh’s decline.  His rational was that Josh had a good support group and so many handlers looking out for him that it would be difficult for him to fall back into that abyss.

While Norm may be factually correct in his assertion that alcohol and drugs have had nothing to do with Josh’s current performance, I remember thinking how surprised I was that he would offer something like that up.  In my mind, and as someone who is in 12 step recovery from drug and alcohol abuse, if handlers were Josh’s sole program and shield against relapse, he was at an extremely high risk for a bender when things were not going well for him in some aspect of his life(not necessarily baseball).   That is not about Josh, that is about what has been seen to work and not work in recovery.

I felt Josh was at even higher risk with public expectations in place that are unique to professional athletes .  I am not in the public eye and I know how close I am every day to making the wrong decision based on past habits and feelings.  Every single day involves a thought process about where I have been with drugs and alcohol versus where I am going without them.   That is part of my recovery program.  It’s a daily struggle.  I do not consider myself any different from Josh or any other person battling those demons.

For these reasons, I had also been critical of Josh for making himself a very public face of recovery on billboards and commercials as part of the “I Am Second” movement.

It turns out that Josh had gone off the wagon prior to the start of the season.  Photos surfaced of him, while not drinking, looking like he was in no pain.  The photos were apparently just prior to spring training.   Josh has since admitted that he did slip. He has also stated that he has been back on the straight and narrow since it happened.  He has stated that lapses in  his recovery program lead to the slip.

Was it just the one time?  Is there a relationship between the slip and issues that lead to it and his fall off this year?   In my mind It really does not matter.  What hopefully matters is what he is doing in his program moving forward not only to stay sober but address the issues that lead to the slip.   At least in my experience,  everything follows from that.   The “things are good and I feel good” program never works in the long term.  It is a program that I have often been guilty of falling into and while I have been lucky so far, it  more often than not leads to relapse when things are not so good in an aspect of life. (at least from what I have seen of others in recovery)

When things are good in your life it is easy to maintain pretty much any type of program and tell yourself that you have found the cure.  When things are not good, if a good recovery program is lacking,  all the handlers in the world can not stop someone from doing what once came natural.  All handlers can do is stop it in a specific moment pushing the desire to solve a problem with a drink or a sniff to another moment when the protector is not around.

While I  have not slipped since I got sober almost 2 and 1/2 years ago, I know that I am always one negative thought, one trigger, one self-deprecating feeling away from a sniff or a shot.   No one has a perfect program.  There is always a chink in the armor waiting to be exploited by life.

I admittedly know nothing about Josh Hamilton other than what I read, watch and hear in the media.   What I do know that is that I can identify with losing years of what could have been a productive existence to drugs and alcohol.  I can identify with the daily struggle and temptation of the quick “feel good”.   I also know that I grateful for his slip and his honesty about it.

I am grateful because Josh’s public slip has prompted me to re-evaluate where I am in my battle to stay sober and stay productive in life.  I need to do better.  In that sense Josh and I are brothers in a daily battle to pick ourselves up off the pavement, figure out what our bruises tell us and try not to fall again.   I wish my brother well in that journey.

©2009 Brian Cuban

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A one-time friend of mine was  sentenced to 65 years in prison.  He was convicted of being the ring-leader of a notorious Dallas burglary ring known as “The Uptown Burglars“.  During my partying days, I hung out with him on a regular basis.  He was fun to be around. He was a good looking guy.  He was popular with the ladies. Our common bond was drinking, drugs and debauchery.  Drug addiction played a major role in his free-fall to prison life.  His demise has caused me to reflect on the various directions my life could have very well taken had I not taken control.

It was just over  two years ago  that I took control of my life’s direction. I did not want to end up like Damon West and many others  like him on the Dallas, party scene.  I became a member  of one of the most difficult and at the same time easiest groups to become a member of. I t is a very exclusive club of people who all share one common goal and for the purposes of this club this is all we talk about and all we care about. It is a club that changed the direction of my life, clarified my life and probably saved my life.

Why is it the most difficult club to get into? Because you have to have a desire to stop drinking. Why is it the easiest to get into to? Because the only requirement for membership is a simple desire to stop drinking. Quite the paradox.

Ironically if you would have asked me 2  years ago if I would ever become a member of this club, I would have looked at you like you were from Mars.  I was not homeless. I didn’t live under a bridge. I had a job and my family loved me. T o be a member of this club, I had always thought you had to be a homeless, unemployed, crack smoking bum pan handling people for money at the local intersection.

Along with all this, I loved to go out with my buddies. I would tell you what bar or club was the place to be on any night of the week. I would go out at least 3 times a week. This meant I was drinking at least three times a week. This never seemed like any big deal to me because all my buddies were doing the same thing.  I was having a great time.  Never had to wait in line anywhere.  Never had to stand anywhere.  Everyone wanted to buy me drinks.  Why shouldn’t I always have a drink in my hand?

There was no one to tell me that going out drinking that many times and sometimes more a week is not a good thing no matter how hold you are or how you slice it. Then again, why should anyone have to tell me this?  I am a grown man right?  Frankly, if I looked at all the stupid decisions I have made in my life, 80 percent of them started with one of those nights out.

Again, its seemed no big deal to me because everyone I hung out with was doing the same thing. Completely socially acceptable in my book as long as I never strayed from those circles.

Was I an alcoholic?   Well if I was than all my buddies where as well.  I knew that wasn’t possible so it was all good.  In further rationalization, I noted to myself that I had not been convicted of DWI, never been to rehab, was employed, nice home etc. I had only changed my phone number 5 times in the previous year, to rid myself of drunken short-term relationships.   When I had to, I simply adjusted my moral plane to account for all drunken embarrassing acts and mouth openings so that was all good. I never drove drunk which to me was the primary indicator of an alcoholic. I either had a driver or took a cab. Of course this just allowed me to party even harder when I went out since I knew I was not driving. The logic of a true attorney.

So what traumatic event happened that caused me to finally walk through those 12 Step doors? I had a blackout. I went out for one of my normal partying sessions and the next thing I knew it was a day later. Could not remember one thing that happened. The first blackout I had ever had. Scary as shit to not remember and have people tell you what an idiot you were.  I knew other people who had alcohol blackouts and I always thought they were funny as shit.  When it happens to you and the  “what ifs” start running through your mind, it loses its humor instantly.

That blackout turned out to  the best thing that has ever happened to me in my life.

If I had not blacked out that weekend in April two  years ago, I would probably still be going out every night of the week, taking days to recover, not getting work done(I was lucky as shit that my brother was my boss), and basically standing still in time with no forward movement in any aspect of my life. I wont even address the “what ifs” that are a lot worse.

That blackout gave me the “moment of clarity” I needed to determine that enough was enough. It was time to live instead of exist.

I found out when and where the local  12-step meetings was. I walked to the front door, knowing I may be recognized, embarrassed and scared. I walked in. I was recognized, embarrassed and scared.

I was recognized as someone who wanted to take control of his life and welcomed with a hug like I had been coming for years. I sat through the first meeting and listened to people just like me talk about their stories. They talked about lows lower than I could ever imagine. Many had lost everything. Many who had lost everything had started just like I did. Just out having a good time. A good time night out ending with wiping out a family while driving drunk….They talked about prison, being homeless, losing family, losing self, losing everything. Many also seemed like your normal successful people who you never would guess in million years. Many came from alcoholic families. Many like me, had no history at all in their family.  Alcoholism is an equal opportunity disease.

They also talked about highs from sobriety that I didn’t think I would ever see. Great changes in their lives. People who had not taken a drink in 30 and 40 years and loving life.  Believe me, when you are sitting at day one that seems like pipe dream. There were lawyers, doctors, salespeople, engineers, actors, college students, high school students. Every group was represented.  Everyone had their own story. Everyone had the same goal. To stop drinking and/or stop doing drugs.

That first meeting I was given what is called a “desire chip” It is an 12-step coin that is an outward sign of an inward desire to stay sober for 24 hrs. It was suggested that I go to 90 meetings in 90 days so I did that as well. Sometimes I went to two meetings a day.

Stopping drinking was not the most difficult thing I had never done.  Not by a long shot.  It was the easy part. What was the hard part? The hard part was to acknowledge that if I wanted to stay sober I would have to make a 180 degree turn in my lifestyle. This meant acknowledging that if my party buddies were also not making that change, something had to give. It is always easier to take the path of least resistance and stay part of the group to avoid change. The path of the most resistance is to break ties with that and move in a different direction.

No one wants to be alone. Everyone wants to be part of a peer group. Everyone wants to be wanted. Your best buddy is not going to be your best buddy anymore if you don’t go out and get drunk with them.  Your true friends will always be there and do you really want the ones who base your friendship on your ability to party like a rock star?

Making that change was ten thousand times harder than not taking a drink. It was hard until I saw that 90 percent of the world didn’t live like that anyways. I  didn’t know that because I only hung out with the ones who did live that way.  I survived.  The true friends stayed my friends.

The rest continued on without me. They continued on to the tune of one drug related suicide and overdose in the 2 year since I quit drinking. J

I will be honest here. There are a lot of things about the 12-step philosophy that I have not bought into.  I have learned however that taking one day at a time and never forgetting what got me in there is a good thing to do.   I wake up every morning thinking about the day I am in and not what disaster may occur tomorrow.  Nine times out of ten when tomorrow comes it is not near the disaster that it looked today and so what if it is. People who have never taken a drink deal with problems and tragedy all the time and they manage.

Maybe it is the attorney in me, but I question everything. Have to know the background, research etc. That is tough in 12-Step because so much of it is based on simple faith in the program.  2 years later I am still full of questions but I am also sober, happy and productive in my life.   in 2 years of sobriety I have accomplished more in my personally and professionally than I did the previous 9 years of drink, drugs and debauchery.

I Still have a long way to go but its a good start.

I  came across an article in Time magazine entitled “Battling Addiction: Are Twelve Steps Too Many?“  The article addressed the issue of spirituality in 12 Step Recovery Programs.  The originator of the 12 Step Recovery Program is of course Alcoholics Anonymous.   The article opines that the spiritual method may not always be the most effective method of recovery for addicts.  With regards to controlled studies done within and outside spiritually based programs of recovery:

“Because of the enduring popularity of AA and similar programs that involve a spiritual component, Miller and his team expected the patients in the spiritual group to do better than those in the secular group. They were wrong — at least in the short term.”

“What’s more, those who received spiritual guidance reported being significantly more anxious and depressed after four months than those who got secular help”

Anyone who has walked through the doors of Alcoholics Anonymous and payed attention for a meeting or two is familiar with the concept of the 12 steps. The 12 step program  of AA has affected lives world wide and is the basis for numerous other addiction self-help programs.  No one in AA would deny that the 12 steps are intended to be  spiritually based program. The more divisive issue is what it means to be “spiritual” within the program.  Most would deny that it is a program based upon a religious foundation or a fundamental belief in God as a religious deity.  What if you do not believe in God?  What if you are not a spiritual person?  Are you doomed to a drunken life?   I can state from personal experience that many in the program would say yes. This is a source of unspoken  conflict within the program.  Here are the specific steps that reference God.

Step 3:  “Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him”

Step  5: “Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs”

Step  6.   “ Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.”

Step 11:    “Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.“

Call me crazy but that sounds pretty religious to me regardless of the addition of the language “as we understand him“  If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck.

When I entered AA in April of 2007,  Step 3 had very little meaning to me.  I was not a spiritual person.  I did not consider myself an agnostic but I had unanswered questions.  I was very blunt in meetings in sharing that  it was not that I did not believe in god it was just not a subject I really cared about.   If others needed their beliefs in whatever deity they found relevant in their lives I thought and think that’s great if it works for them.  I however was not going to drop to my knees at night and say words that had no meaning to me to stay sober.  I was not going to say the “Lord’s Prayer” in AA meetings as the words  had no meaning to me in the spiritual sense.  To me personally it is silly to recite words like a zombie because someone who tells me that’s the way it has always been done.  It had a very  “cult like” feel to me.  I was told not to worry about it.  If I worked the steps I would encounter that “spiritual moment” when it all made sense.  What if things never make the same sense to you as others in the program?  If you remain “spiritually bankrupt” within the program are you doomed to failure?  There are certainly those in the program who think so and will try to force their version of spirituality down your throat.

When I was about 6 months into the program, one of the old timers pulled me aside.  He said “Brian you really need to say you believe in god in the meetings“.  I told him I was not comfortable with that as I was not sure how I felt on the subject.   He said “Brian, it does not matter. You have to just say it so everyone else in the group will feel better about it and you” I was not sure if I was in a fluid recovery program or being indoctrinated into a cult.   It was one of the most bizarre conversations I had ever engaged in.  I never went back to that particular meeting.  The forced spirituality of someone else’s agenda does not seem conducive to sobriety.

Almost two years later. I am sober and happy in my life.  I still do not pray.  I am still not a spiritual person.  I frankly do not care at all about the 3rd step in the AA process because it is nothing that is personally relevant to me in my recovery.  I realize that a support group is important in my recovery but for me to create some fictional “higher power” is counter-productive and only adds more stress to the process as it relates to my life. My program for recovery is to take the elements of AA that are personally relevant to my existence and work those steps.   I refuse to view AA as a spiritual cookie cutter program trying to force all shapes and sizes of alcoholic problems into the inflexible square 12 Step peg hole.   Many in AA will say that this dooms me to a life of drunkenness and debauchery.  They are entitled to their opinion.   I do not believe I need to find a “god as I understand him” to live a productive sober life.  I do not need to “worship a doorknob“  to come into “compliance” with the AA way.  If there is a god, I would think he/she embraces all manners and methods of recovery.  It is sheer arrogance and cultism to assume otherwise.  I agree with the last sentence of the Time Magazine article:

“…….those who think that spirituality or a pill alone can save them are wrong. The answer almost certainly lies deeper inside ourselves.”

Amen to that.