I am always looking for new ways to stay in shape. I recently came across an article in the New York Times touting the new hot thing in personal training workouts. The new rage appears to be customized video and mp3 workouts you can download to your IPOD. The article was from 2006 but I frankly had not heard of this. My Ipod contains my own mix of songs soundly reflecting the fact that I am inescapably stuck in the 80’s.

Having moved into my 40’s with the inevitable slip into the “dark side” in the ability to stay in shape, I was just the gullible , desperate fool at the end of his rope these services were designed for. I am willing to try anything and everything to recapture that lost flat stomach that will never been seen again except in photos stored ironically on my Ipod. These Ipod workouts were designed for the guy that looks at his vacuum cleaner and sees “at home liposuction”. I guess that’s me because I clicked on one of the websites.

This company was offering for 29.95 a month audio and video personal training workouts from a world class “celebrity trainer” that you download to your video IPod or your mp3 player with sound only. Each workout is custom designed just for you. I can just imagine this celebrity trainer going through the questionnaire from Sally in Wichita Falls and recording his grunts and yells into a video or sound byte. ONE MORE REP SALLY! DO IT SALLY! YOU ARE ALMOST THERE! She may forget whether she is in the gym or the bedroom.

If you have video capability you can watch Mr. celebrity trainer make sneering, disapproving faces at you to further motivate you while you listen in your headphones while thinking you could have got that for free at home from your wife or husband without the 29.95 a month.

Research show that there are quite a few of these Ipod trainer companies sprouting up. This is such a goofy idea that these guys will probably make millions. They have invented the”Bowflex of the Ipod”. You will spend about month of listening to some guy you have never met and never will meet grunt and groan and encourage you as you clumsily hold your IPod screen up in front of you while you work out. You will spend a month listening to the same motivational spiel over and over. Your workout will then be archived to your computer as your Bowflex is to your garage never to be heard from again except at your next garage sale. You will also forget to cancel the membership for another 6 months so that’s another 180 bucks they get from you for mass creating a 40 minute workout that I would guess only changes variably for every person and is done by a computer program.

These guys are hoping you will focus on the knee-jerk response that 29.95 a month is better than paying 100 bucks or more a session for a personal trainer. They forget that the very reason personal trainers work is that they change it up, get in your face, come with a different personality every day sweat on you, piss you off , tell you who they are sleeping with, tell you how many girls in the gym they have dated. They tell you who everyone else in the gym is sleeping with. In addition to trainers, they are pimps, hairdressers and bartenders all rolled in to one and if they happen to get you in better shape that is an added bonus. Why would we want to replace them with a video celebrity that isn’t going to give you the Hollywood TMZ type gossip?

People get personal trainers to get in shape or stay in shape. People keep personal trainers because of everything else I just talked about. What classifies someone as a “celebrity trainer.”? Is there a certification for that? Do you pay more for for the video if they train people on the “A list” versus the “D List”? One man’s celebrity is another’s wannabe or has-been.

If they wants me to go for the celebrity trainer hook, they had better get Arnold Schwarzenegger involved. They would do better with “Celebrity Tanning”. When you step out of the booth, depending on your sexual preference, you have Jessica Alba or George Clooney on a video screen telling you how great you look. I would be more motivated in the gym by an iPod video of Jessica Alba saying “one more set and I’m yours tonight”. This would be more motivating than grunts of some generic fitness geek I never heard of.

It takes me back to my early days in Dallas when I had a roomie I was trying to help get in shape. I put him on the “fat pig” diet. Every morning before I left for work I would put a note on the refrigerator telling him he was a fat disgusting slob, and to get that pizza slice out of his mouth. It worked great! He lost 15 lbs in about a month. Then one night he stabbed me in my sleep. Maybe I should go for that celebrity trainer certification.

©2008 Brian Cuban

Who would have known that Jose Canseco and Latrell Sprewell would have so much in common. Both overrated volatile sports figures who spent it a lot faster than they made it. Both facing financial ruin due to their “financial fiscal” theories on making and saving money. Jose Canseco being the latest to offer his take on the “pressures” of being a millionaire.

Jose Canseco’s home just recently went into foreclosure Canseco recently told the syndicated TV show “Inside Edition” that he walked away from his $2.5 million, 7,300-square foot home in suburban Encino because it didn’t make sense to continue making payments.

This in itself is not shocking. With the downturn in the housing market, many are finding upper end homes worth far less than the mortgage. They find it cheaper to walk away than throw bad money after bad. Not necessarily a bad financial move.

What was amusing and what brought back memories of Latrell Sprewell was the following quote from Canseco:

“You know my life, this financial thing, is a very complicated issue. Obviously, when you make all that money, people think, `OK, let’s assume it is $35 million.’ People have to understand that $35 million, you’re paying the government 41 percent. That leaves you with about $17 or $18 million, not even. Then you’re taking care of your whole family.”

Ok, let as all have a financial pity party for Jose Canseco who was unable to take care of himself and his family on 18 million. Parties, cocaine, strippers and his steroids bill certainly put a dent in that sum…..

Who can also forget NBA has been Latrell Sprewell’s ramblings about how tough it is to support a family back in 2004 when he was demanding a trade if he did not receive a contract extension from the New York Knicks.

On Halloween 2004, Sprewell, who was in the final season of a $62-million, five-year deal he signed with the Knicks, said he was insulted by Minnesota’ s offer of a contract extension that was reportedly worth between $27 million and $30 million for three seasons. “I’ve got my family to feed,”

That quote become a national moniker for the public perception of athletes as greedy out of touch individuals.

Apparently Sprewell still cant feed his family because his yacht was recently repossessed and his multi million dollar mansion is about to be foreclosed on.

Maybe Canseco and Sprewell should get together to discuss getting their families fed. Canseco can give Sprewell tips on bulking up for his next career as a professional wrestler where he will practice his patented “choke hold’ and Sprewell can give Canseco tips on yacht upkeep for his next career cleaning them…..

Hey, they have to feed their families right?

Fresh off of accusations that he carried on a ten year affair with country singer Mindy McCready starting when he was 28 and she was 15, Roger Clemens today has also admitted that has had a secret crush on child star Miley Cryus since she turned 15 years old.

When confronted with his statements ,Roger admitted that while the age difference between he and Miley is greater than it was for he and Mindy. He stated… “age is just a number” and Mindy was very “mature” for a 15 year old so he did not expect Miley to be any different….

Roger stated that after being highly aroused by Miley’s latest provocative photo spread in Vanity Fair and seeing her recent “show all” bodysuit he felt “compelled” to come out of the closet with his secret crush…..

Roger stated that if Miley felt the same way, he would provide her with all the “moral and financial support” he provided Mindy and he saw no reason that Miley could not have the same happy life as Mindy McCready.

When it was pointed out to Roger that Mcready had been to jail, addicted to drugs and had been in an abusive relationship in the years since they met, Roger stated that Miley had a good head on her shoulders and was certainly “all grown up” for a 15 year old…. What was good enough for MIndy was certainly good eough for Miley…

Roger closed by stating that his long term goal for Miley was for her to have a guest spot in Mindy’s upcoming reality show entitled “Guys Do It With Younger Girls All The Time”

Calls to Miley Cyrus reps went unreturned……

Wesley Snipes is in court as I write this to be sentenced on his conviction of multiple counts of failing to file income tax returns. All of this stems out of a highly publicized trial in which Federal Prosecutors hoped to land a more serious conviction of conspiracy to avoid paying income taxes and tax fraud which are felonies. To show just how much more serious, his co-defendants were convicted on the more serious charges and are facing ten years in prison.

The lessor conviction at the times seemed like a major victory for Snipes but the true scope will be seen today as prosecutors argue that Snipes as a high profile tax scofflaw should be made and example of and be given the maximum sentence of three years in prison. Hard, real life prison time. Not a stay at “The Rules Don’t Apply To Me” rehab Hilton.

As expected there was a long line of celebrity friends who submitted letters to the court on Snipes behalf attesting to his “good character”. The list includes Woody Harrelson, Goldie Hawn, etc etc. All saying what a great friend and great guy Snipes is. This is not unusual. Whenever someone faces sentencing on a serious crime, there are often letters submitted to the court on that persons behalf in the hope of convincing the judge to hand down the most lenient sentence possible. I would probably do the same if one of my friends were standing tall before the man….

I just have to ask though if we sacrifice our own character when we step forward and ignore the very morals and “character” which we hope to possess and instill in our children. It is one thing to step forward and say your sorry for what you did but how can you step forward and in face of a verdict saying this guy is a liar and a cheat “but besides that he has “great character”…….. When we step forward for Wesley and those similarly situated are we sacrificing our own character in doing so?

It reminds me of a case here in Dallas about two years ago. A former Dallas pastor by the name of Terry Hornbuckle was accused of the rape of several of his parishioners. During trial it was made public that former Dallas Cowboys and NFL Hall of Famers Emmitt Smith and Deion Sanders both sent letters to the grand jury basically stating what a great guy Pastor Hornbuckle was and what a great influence he was on their families. When I read about these letters, I was frankly shocked that both Emmitt and Deion would put themselves out there like that when this guy is charged with multiple counts of rape. Vouching for this guys “character”.

Pastor Hornbuckle was convicted and is currently serving 15 years. Do you think Emmitt and Deion sent letters to the judge at sentencing. I may be wrong but I doubt it.

This is not a criticism of Emmitt or Deion. If he was my friend, I may have done the same.

It is just an observation on the word “character” . We throw it out there as it suits us. We define it to best self-promote our interests. We dilute it, abuse it, throw it , toss it, stomp it, kick it…. Whenever and whearever it lands, it always seems to be worth a little bit less…..