The Dallas Mavericks opened the season last night. While the team was not successful, losing to the Washington Wizards, I was able to catch up with Don Knobler, who has forged his success in the Dallas Real Estate Market.

Don is a  huge MFFL(Mavs Fan For Life) and widely considered the Dallas Mavericks if not best dressed, most uniquely dressed fan.

Don’s “statement” outfits often find their way onto the High Definition Jumbo-tron as well as  local and national television broadcasts.

The  2009-10 NBA regular season is here!  A season of new hopes and  players will soon be here.  But on the social scene in Dallas, “singles season’’ never ends.   In preparation for the new season of after-game bars, clubs, see and be seen sports douchebaggery, I recently roamed the streets of Dallas after the Mav’s home opener, checking out various nightspots while contemplating what will hopefully be a great Mavs season. I wandered about, contemplating how we would make the playoffs, play deep in, and hopefully challenge again for that elusive Larry O’Brien NBA Championship Trophy.

At the same time, I was stunned by a similarity between singles scene as the NBA:

Life imitates art. Basketball imitates life. Especially in social interactions.

I saw all kinds (as I often do), not all of them enviable kinds. There were the 30K Millionaires, the Cougars, the GoldDiggers and the MackDaddy D-bags, and I saw all kinds of similarities between the social interactions I witnessed out on the singles scene and the great game of hoops.

Let’s lace up those high-tops for a walk onto the hardwood court of Dallas (and note that I believe it’s largely the same for any big-city nightlife where a basketball season is played out). There are no points for second place. The winners hit nothing but net while the losers head home alone and whine the next morning about how they gave their best. The only way you can only get a “clear path” to the basket” view of all this is if you are living outside the 3-point line.

To watch this game – and to maybe be more than a baseline season-ticket-holder — I had to re-learn all I knew about basketball and how it applied to the nightlife scene. Once I had finished learning the rules and different offensive (sometimes very offensive!) and defensive sets, a night out in Dallas became more entertaining than watching the NBA Finals.

Well, almost

In order to see what I saw and know what I know you have to have a basic understanding of basketball “terminology” as it applies to both the NBA and the nightclub scene. Once you have this understanding you will never look at a bar or nightclub in the same light. Here are some of the terms you need to understand:

“Palming”: The act of adjusting oneself in a nightclub right in front of your buddy/wingman and the hot girl you are talking to. This is a change in possession foul and you must now transfer possession of the hot girl to your buddy.

“Slam-dunk”: The last drunk girl in the bar at 2 a.m.

“Full Court Press’’: Within 15 minutes of meeting a girl in a bar you have given her your phone number, certified financial statement, recent HIV test and two round-trip tickets to Vegas for the next day. You’ve even sent flowers sent to the girl … while still in the bar.

“Flagrant Foul”: At the very moment the hottest girl in the bar is handing you her telephone number, your best buddy, say, picks his nose. This is a two-shot foul. You retain possession. Your buddy must buy two shots of any drink you choose for you and any girl you want the rest of the night.

“Double-Double”: You figure it out…

“Triple Double”: U DA MAN!

“Clear Path Foul:’’ You picked up the hottest girl in the club. She has told you how much she wants you. You are on your way back to your place. She pukes all over your car.

“Fast Break”: You’ve just arrived, you have not even valeted the car yet and your buddy is coming out of the nightclub, hot girl on his arm.

“Traveling”: You live in Dallas. She lives in Fort Worth. This is a change-of-possession foul – but only if your buddy doesn’t care where she lives.

“24-Second Violation’’: You meet a hot girl. You spend the first 25 seconds talking about your millions in the bank, new Maserati, your listing on the Forbes 400 and your Gulfstream while your three roommates look on. This is also known as a “30K Millionaire Violation.” It is a turnover – she turns herself over to the next guy in the bar who actually owns a Maserati or Gulfstream.

“Double Dribble”: You forget to tie your shoes. Just as you are about to hand your girl her drink, you trip and spill both drinks on her. This is a change-in-possession foul as your buddy because your buddy uses it against you. She agrees and goes home with him.

“Back-Court Violation”: Your posse is in the club. You have drink in hand when you realize your driver was denied entrance because he wore tennis shoes, thus violating the dress-to-impress code.

“Alley-Oop”: Your buddy generously hands off to you that last drunk girl in the bar at 2 am. You are hoping to convert to a “slam dunk.’’

“Moving Screen”: Your buddy is not getting near that girl. She is going home with you!

“Blocking Foul”: Just as the hottest girl in the club is handing you her phone number … this is gonna be good. … your buddy approaches and and is nice enough to report that he found your wedding ring on the floor.

“Offensive Foul”: You had Italian for dinner. You’re about to kiss your girl goodnight — on the cheek, because you’re a gentleman — when you burp just a little. Is that a piece of spaghetti that’s landed on her cheek? Another turnover. To anybody. As long as it’s not you.

“Technical Foul”: She told you she was 21 when you bought her a drink. This is an ejection. A one-game suspension. And a timeout. … maybe to be spent in a 4×6 with bars.

“Offensive Rebound”: It is not your fault your buddy can’t close.

“Tip Off”: You spy something on her neck. It is suspicious. It appears that the attractive woman you are looking at has an Adam’s Apple.’’

“Two-Minute Warning”: It’s last call. You struck out. Your designated driver has left and you have no cab fare. Time for more “traveling.’’ Because you’re walking home.

There’s the rules of the game. And unlike the NBA regular season, which must come to again, in the nightlife scene, every weekend brings a new season!

Brian Cuban is a Dallas-based attorney who serves as the Executive Director of the Mark Cuban Foundation and is currently administering The Fallen Patriot Fund. He blogs at The Cuban Revolution and can also be contacted and followed at Facebook.

I originally wrote this piece for Mike Fisher and DallasBasketball.com.  Thanks to Fish for letting me republish it on my blog. Please be sure to check it out for Mavs news and great sports  insights from Fish!

©2009 Brian Cuban

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I can not figure it out.  For the last few days, I have been depressed, angry, sick to my stomach and unable to focus.  I have cried uncontrollably, kicked my dog and chased my cat around the house flicking  Dirk Nowitzki basketball trading cards at her.

To top it off, this morning I woke up sitting naked in an seat in an empty American Airlines Center screaming “KMART’S A THUG”, again flicking.  This time flicking imaginary beer and popcorn on imaginary Denver Nuggets fans seated next to me.

After posting bail, I rushed home to see if I could self diagnose the mysterious symptoms that have overtaken my body.

I did an exhaustive Google search. I  researched medical journals. I even scheduled an emergency visit with a sports fan psychologist.  Much to my relief, I finally found the answer in an obscure article entitled “Sports Fanatic Psychosis, Diagnosis and Treatment“.  The article was put out by the South End Of The Island Of Grenada School Of Medicine. I am suffering from “Season Over Syndrome“(SOS). It turns out there are seven stages of “SOS”.

1.  SHOCK AND DENIAL

This feeling is generally manifested in a  heightened awareness of situations and individuals that will be left behind after the season is over.  You find yourself with overwhelming feelings of sorrow and sympathy for players making millions of dollars per year who are already sitting on desert islands sipping Cuba Libre drinks, banging hot women and partying with the Dos Equis Man as they live vicariously through themselves.

2. PAIN AND GUILT

As your body goes through the withdrawal of countless nights of playoff drinking and debauchery, you suddenly realize that your condo has not been cleaned in weeks. Your  unwashed laundry stinks.  Your girlfriend has left you.  You can longer see your feet or your “Johnson” from drinking and eating so much.  The fat slob in the mirror overwhelms you with pain and guilt.  The rest does not bother you that much.  That’s what maids and strip clubs are for.

3.  ANGER

Your guilt turns to increasing anger as you realize that you look like shit, your baseball team sucks, football is months away and your your now eliminated NBA team wont have a 1st round draft pick because they traded it for a Slobovian point guard named Meloosh.

4.  DEPRESSION AND LONELINESS

Just as all your friends think you are over the disappointment and ready to move on, you become very reflective of the season that was.  You begin inviting your friends over to show them your new Tops Basketball Card Collection and  watch endless reruns of movies like Hoosiers, The Fish That Save Pittsburgh, Celtic Pride, Like Mike, And Space Jam.  After one night of this, your friends begin discussing an SOS intervention behind your back.

5.  FEELING BETTER

You start to adjust to a boring summer without the benefit of good tickets to playoff games to pick up hot women. That’s ok though because the night club scene is improving.  Out of contention and out of work NBA players, groupies and douchebag wannabes converge on the club scene  with guns, entourage and gangsta attitude in tow.  “Celebrity Beatdowns“  are a weekly nightclub event.  They help wean you off the Jerry Springer and TMZ addictions that are  symptoms of SOS.

6.  RECONSTRUCTION AND REDEMPTION

November is rapidly approaching. Time to get your body back shape for the long grueling season. Pre-game happy hours, post game happy hours, post game private parties.  An intense heckling regime to be rehearsed.  Have to look good for the Jumbotron or any impromptu national television appearances.  The gym is now your best friend. Your team is not looking good for the new year so you have to be looking extra buff.  It’s exponentially harder to pick up chicks after a loss. You think Meelosh will be a bust.

7. ACCEPTANCE AND HOPE

As opening day gets closer, the trash talk of a new season begins. You once again begin to feel the hope of a the promised NBA title  despite a bunch of crappy mid-level exception signings, no bench and Meelosh as your starting center.

You will once again experience the joy of basketball, women and making a complete drunken idiot out of yourself all in the name of basketball fandom.  If the team wins you might even get laid this year.  Meelosh is coming around. Life is good.

It was clear that San Antonio had a different game plan from the start.  It was actually kind of bizarre to see Tony Parker consistently step off open three point shots to dish it in to Tim Duncan or another Spurs player.   While Tim generally hits his patented bank shot, it also resulted in several turnovers on Parker’s part.

Parker, while trying to create plays for everyone else, became tentative in his own aggressive style. With Parker not playing the style that makes him great, no one else was able to consistently step up.  Michale Finley, while a great guy and a great shooter, was a brutal defensive liability.  He never really got it going from the shooting side either.  In the end Tim Duncan scored 30 and Tony Parker had 26 and other than Finley,  I could not tell you who was even on the court.

On the other end of the court,  Dirk Nowitzki had his best game of the series scoring 31 pts.  It was clear from his first few shots that his patented fade away had the range that night.  It was  a solid contribution from starters all around.  More importantly was that our role players played solidly. We did not give anything away when Dirk or other starters left the floor.  Josh Howard capped off an outstanding series, with 17 points, 8 rebounds and three steals. He had my permission to blow it out for his birthday!  This birthday celebration was probably more joyous than 2008 when he incurred the wrath of coach Avery Johnson after allegedly passing out birthday fliers in the Mavs locker room after losing to the New Orleans Hornet in the first round last year.  While it would be great to see a re-match in round two as we would have home court,  I would be shocked if the Hornets recover from the playoff record tying Civil War style beat down at the hands of the Denver Nuggets in game 4.

From a AT&T Arena standpoint, the Spurs fans were very subdued from the start almost if, while hopeful, dreading what they ultimately expected when the clock ran out.  Despite a valiant effort from The Coyote, the arena energy never got anywhere near game 1 or 2.  One gentlemen in the suite next to ours wagerd me a bottle of Cristal against a Mark Cuban autogrpahed ball  that the Spurs would take the series.  I usually do not wager but as he was willing to make the wager with the Mavs up 3-1 in the series as well as leading at the half,it seemed like one of the safer wagers I would make in my life.  As someone who has not won in Las Vegas since Bugsy Segal threw down a bet, I could not pass it up.  I will be shooting him an email that I don’t drink and to keep it on ice for the next time the Spurs win a championship.  How long does Cristal keep?  It could be a long wait.