The NBA season is upon us.  I attended the Dallas Mavericks first exhibition game.  I then took an unusual step for me.  I roamed the  streets of Dallas checking out various nightclubs contemplating the  hope filled start of the Dallas Mavericks season.  I wandered aimlessly from bar to bar contemplating what I hoped was the start of a very successful season ending in a championship.  It struck me that there were many similarities between the social interactions I witnessed out on the singles scene and the great game of hoops. It made me realize that while life imitates art, basketball can imitate life.  If you don’t believe me put on your high-tops any weekend and step onto the hardwood court of Dallas or any big city nightlife where an entire basketball season is played out on any given night. There are no points for second place. The winners hit nothing but net while the losers head home alone and whine the next morning about how they gave their best.  The only way you can only get a “clear path” to the basket” view of all this is if you are living outside the three point line. I stared in awe as a baseline spectator of the same game all over again on a different court.  There different players, different rules and the winners and loser some times much more subtle than the fourth quarter sore or determining the defensive or offensive set. To watch this game I had to re-learn all I knew about basketball and how it applied to the nightlife scene. Once I had finished learning the rules and different offensive (sometimes very offensive!) and defensive sets, a night out in Dallas became more entertaining than watching the NBA Finals.

In order to see what I saw and know what I know you have to have a basic understanding of basketball “terminology” as it applies to  both the NBA and the nightclub scene.  Once you have this understanding you will never look at a bar or nightclub in the same light. Here are some of the terms you need to understand.  You can find the actual NBA definitions for many of these terms here.   These  are in no particular order:

“Palming“  The act of adjusting your crotch in a nightclub right in front of your buddy/wingman and the hot girl you are talking to.  This is a change in possession foul and you must now transfer possession of the hot girl to your buddy.

“Slam-dunk“  The last drunk girl in the bar at 2 am

“Full Court Press “  Within fifteen minutes of meeting a girl in a bar you have given her your phone number, certified financial statement, recent HIV test, two round trip tickets to Vegas for the next day. You even have flowers sent to the girl while still in the bar.

“Flagrant Foul“  At the very moment the hottest girl in the bar is handing you her telephone number, your best buddy picks his nose.  This is a two shot foul. You keep the ball. Your buddy must buy two shots of any drink you choose for you and any girl you want the rest of the night.

“Double-Double“  You figure it out…

“Triple Double“   U DA MAN!

Clear Path Foul:   You picked up the hottest girl in the club.  She has told you how much she wants you.  You are on your way back to your place.  She pukes all over your car.

“Fast Break“  You have not even valeted the car yet and your buddy is coming out of the nightclub, hot girl in hand.

“Traveling”    You live in Dallas. She lives in Fort Worth.  This is a change in possession foul if your buddy doesn’t care where she lives.

24 Second Violation:    You meet a hot girl.  You spend the first 25 seconds talking about your millions in the bank,  new  Maserati, listing on the Forbes 400 and your Gulfstream while your 3 roommates look on. The is also known as a “30k Millionaire Violation”   It is a change in possession violation to any guy in the bar that actually owns a Maserati or Gulfstream.

“Double Dribble“  You forget to tie your shoes.  Just as you are about to hand your girl her drink, you trip and spill both drinks on her. This is a change in possession foul as your buddy calls you a clumsy idiot stating that he would never be so stupid.  She agrees and goes home with him.

“Back Court Violation“  Your posse is in the club. You have drink in hand when you realize your driver was denied entrance because he wore tennis shoes.

“Alley Oop“   Your buddy hands off to you that last drunk girl in the bar at 2 am.  You are hoping to convert to a “slam dunk”.

“Moving Screen“  Your buddy is not getting near that girl.  She is going home with you!

“Blocking Foul“ Right when the hottest girl in the club is handing you’re her phone number and your buddy comes up and says he found your wedding ring on the floor.

“Offensive Foul“   You had Italian for dinner. Your about to kiss your girl good night on the cheek (because you’re a gentlemen) when you burp and a piece of spaghetti lands on her cheek.  This is a change of possession foul.  She does not care who gets the ball as along as its not you.

“Loose Ball Foul“   No clean underwear and an unknown hole tear in your pants.

“Technical Foul”   She told you she was 21 when you bought her a drink.  This is a ejection from game foul and a minimum one game suspension to be spent in a 4 by 6 with bars.

“Offensive Rebound“   It is not your fault your buddy cant close.

“Tip Off”     You spy something suspiciously looking like an Adam’s Apple on the hot “girl” you are talking to.

“Two Minute Warning”   Its last call. You struck out.  Your driver has left and you have no cab fare.

You now have the rules you need to step into the hoops arena of Dallas Nightlife  or any big city club scee where unlike the NBA, every weekend brings a new season..

(CNN Washington)- In an attempt to shore up the McCain-Palin run to the presidency and in a final effort to sway uncommitted swing state voters  Republican V.P. candidate Sarah Palin  her new new “CMDR Initiative”.  She stated that CMDR would change the way the average person lives in today’s world.  This initiative is expected to bring a quick turn-around to what is thought to be the most dramatic economic crisis in U.S history.  When asked to comment Palin, who was in Dallas,Texas for a private fundraiser stated:

“Desperate times call for desperate measures. Dramatic steps are needed to restore sound fundamentals to the U. S. economy”

Governor Palin went on to state that the  CMDR  would stimulate the economy in ways never envisioned as well as bring a return to “real family values” like the ones she sees watching the television series “Dallas” in her hometown of Wasilla, Alaska.  When it was pointed out that Dallas has been off the air for 17 years, Palin admitted that change has come slowly to Wasilla but still felt the series emulated the family and  material values she expected from her children as they leave the seclusion of Wasilla and learned how to party like rock stars.

A CNN investigative reporter was able to obtain a copy of the confidential “CMDR Initiative Action Plan.” For security and legal reasons, we cannot post the report on our site but now for the first time, readers can see the main CMDR points prior to the plan’s implementation.

CMDR stands for “Certificate of Minimum Dating Requirements.”

We have also learned that this initiative was originally attached to the recently passed Economic Bailout Plan. It is now being pushed through in emergency legislative session to address what has become an “epidemic” of guys who have no job or visible means of support showing up for dates with girls by bus or bicycle.

This plan will substantially increase used car sales and relieve a strain on public transportation and the pretentiousness of dating in general – something all parties feel is the breaking point. The plan would also ensure that there is 100 percent employment in the lowest tiers of employability such a fast food restaurants as part of the new McCain “ONE CHILD, ONE BURGER” initiative. It would also ensure that all ditches that need dug are in fact dug.

The key element of this new legislation will be the formation of a national CMDR database. Inclusion in the database will be strictly voluntary.  In order to get in the CMDR Database, a guy or girl will have to do the following:

Provide the database administrator with a current address, not a P.O. Box as well as proof of U.S Citizenship.

Allow the database administrator to do a registered sex offender check.

Provide the database administrator with a current title to a vehicle at least equivalent to minimum buy-in BMW.

Provide the database administrator with two current pay stubs evidencing a salary of at least $50K per year.

Provide documentation that you are not married and do not live with your parents.

To be in the database, you agree to update this information every three months. This information will be encoded into the driver’s license of all those who participate in the database. The database will charge a fee of $20 per month. This fee will provide a reader capable of reading the encoding on the driver’s license.

We have learned it will work as follows:

Let’s say a girl meets a guy she likes. She has the legal right to ask if that guy is in the CMDR Database. If he isn’t, the girl can assume that he probably does not own a car or takes the bus to pick up dates, is unemployed and may be a registered sex offender.

If you do not own a car because of you live an enumerated major city, you can apply for a “Big Apple Exemption” from the vehicle requirement.

If the guy is in the database, the girl may scan his driver’s license through the reader and the display will show what kind of car he drives, his sex offender status, and how much he makes per year. She may then make an intelligent decision on whether to go on a date with him.

Palin stated that as a mother of 3 girls she has a personal stake in ensuring that  complete losers who show up for their dates on bikes and buses will go buy a car.  It is also felt that this will drastically reduce the number of perverts and $30K a year millionaires asking out unsuspecting women.

In order to encourage inclusion in the new CMDR Database, it was announced that the first 1,000 people will get a free “No Deadbeats” credit check!

John McCain took time out from preparations for the up-coming town-hall debate  to comment.  He stated that something needed to be done about unemployed geeks because they were an unnecessary drain on the economy. He recommended military conscription for those who could not obtain a CMDR. He pointed out that they would be employable when they came out and who didn’t want to date a man in uniform?  When pressed to elaborate, he pointed out that he had found a rich hottie young enough to be his daughter but admitted that he already had a Beemer when he snagged her.  McCain went on to state that 7 homes and a trust fund trophy wife would be within the grasp of all lower and middle class Americans should his CMDR initiative pass.

When confronted with the leaked version of the initiative New York Senator Hillary Clinton who was out stumping for Senator Barack Obama  was surprisingly receptive. She gave the following statement:

“Most females agree with the bedrock conservative premise that dating toothless unemployed losers without cars and who live with their mommies and daddies was a major problem in today’s society and action needed to be taken. Taking your date to McDonalds by bus or bicycle is not the answer to our problems – it is the problem. I believe that as a movement, we have veered off course into the dangerous and uncharted waters of settling for the hot bodied pool boy with the bus pass versus sacrificing some looks for the comfort and security of a guy holding a CMDR.”

Senator Clinton was also quoted as saying “better a hunchback with a Beemer than a pool boy with a bus pass. It worked for me. ”

Chelsea Clinton who was stumping with her mother refused to comment on CMDR but was quietly overheard telling a friend that she had not had a date in years anyways so she really didn’t care
one way or another.

Senator Barrack Obama stated that he would welcome the opportunity to debate the economics of the CMDR initiative.   He felt that while the plan had merit it did not go far enough.  While he would not comment furthur he was heard in a “hot mike” telling an adviser that if he could snag a Ivy League babe anyone could.  He also stated that he had just made his last payment on his 1980 BMW.

More to follow…

No one likes to become recipient of a spit projectile, unless, of course, you are swapping it with your significant other. Sharing saliva with your girlfriend or boyfriend certainly is not a crime. Sharing it with that drunk girl or guy you meet in a bar is not a crime. However, two days later ,when you do not even remember the encounter, if you get a call from the Health Department that a known serial HIV boinker or TB (Tuberculosis) carrier was making his/her rounds through the Dallas bars the night you were cruising the same bars, should you become alarmed that the person the Health Department is searching for just left your place an hour ago? .And you thought you were special!

The two most logical questions are: first can you contract HIV or TB that way, and, second, is it a crime to spit on someone knowing you are a carrier?

At least as to the HIV issue, A Dallas, Texas jury has decided that it is a crime to spit on someone when you know you are HIV positive.

Two weeks ago, a homeless man spit in the mouth and eye of a police officer and then taunted him, saying he was HIV positive. On Wednesday, he was sentenced to 35 years in prison for harassing a public servant with a deadly weapon—his saliva. The key part of this ruling was the finding that the saliva should be classified as a deadly weapon.

We will put aside the fact that the guy got 35 years for the crime. The severity of the sentence was affected by the fact that he was convicted under a “habitual offender statute“. He had been convicted of attacking other officers in a similar manner as well as committing more than two dozen other offenses. This mandated a minimum of 25 years without regards to the HIV issue. Let’s take the fact that it was a cop out of the equation as well and get down to the basic issue at hand:

“If you are a carrier of a deadly disease that may, in very rare circumstances, be transmitted by your spit, does that make your spit a “deadly weapon” under the law? If you say yes, does that not open up a whole “Pandora’s Box” of criminal responsibility?

According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, HIV is primarily spread through sexual contact or the exchange of blood or other bodily fluids. Although there have been rare cases of transmission through severe bites, “contact with saliva, tears, or sweat has never been shown to result in transmission of HIV,” the agency reports. You can read the CDC fact sheet on HIV transmission here.

There have been no known cases of HIV being transmitted through simple contact with saliva. Does that mean HIV can never be transmitted through saliva? Never say never, but the odds are remote in the extreme. But when we allow a remote “struck by lightning” possibility to justify a “deadly weapon” finding, are we hearkening back to the AIDS paranoia days of all toilet seats and drinking glasses being carriers of the disease? Was this conviction based on ignorance or science?

If we accept that premise that spit can be a deadly weapon, we also have to accept that the HIV carrier who lets you take a sip of his beer or coke has just committed a crime. If he had evil intent in letting you share the drink, would not the crime be the same taking out the public servant element? If he simply was not thinking about it or paying attention to his drink has he/she committed a crime? You can see where this has the potential to go. The slope gets very slippery. Will it even stop with HIV?

Andrew Speaker, an Atlanta lawyer with multi-drug resistant TB boarded several crowded planes knowing he had the disease, and, in fact, had been advised not to travel without a mask. We know that TB is spread from person to person as the bacteria are released into the air when a person with TB, a disease of the lungs or throa, coughs or sneezes. Amid all the hysteria, I don’t remember hearing much talk about whether any crimes were committed by Mr. Speaker. Did he commit any crimes? He probably didn’t intend to hurt anyone, but intent does not necessarily constitute an element of possible crimes on the books that either he or the HIV carrier sharing the beer may have committed.

You can read the CDC fact sheet on multi-drug resistant TB here.

There is also a crime in many, if not all, states called Reckless Endangerment.

The general definition of reckless endangerment (this can and will vary by state) is as follows:

“A person commits the crime of reckless endangerment if the person recklessly engages in conduct which creates a substantial risk of serious physical injury to another person. “Reckless” conduct is conduct that exhibits a culpable disregard of foreseeable consequences to others from the act or omission involved. The accused need not intentionally cause a resulting harm or know that his conduct is substantially certain to cause that result. The ultimate question is whether, under all the circumstances, the accused’s conduct was of that heedless nature that made it actually or imminently dangerous to the rights or safety of others.”

Now that you know the meaning of reckless endangerment as defined by law, does your opinion change? The issue becomes what is and what is not “reasonably foreseeable” in these situations. Is it reasonably foreseeable that you may contract HIV through saliva? Is it reasonably foreseeable you may contract TB through saliva?

Does Andrew Speaker’s conduct had a greater degree of foreseeable consequences than the homeless guy spitting on a cop? What about Beer Bottle Sallie, the HIV carrier, and Serial Make-Out Artist?

Are we on the verge of criminalizing ignorance or simply disregarding criminal foreseeability?

It was reported in today’s Dallas Morning News that the Dallas City Council is finally prepared to discuss changes to the cities sexually oriented business laws after a 12 year old girl was discovered stripping and prostituting herself at a local Dallas Nightclub. In typical dysfunctional Dallas City Council manner, for whatever reason the new ordinance is being debated in “secret session”. Meanwhile, the club where the 12 year old girl was working has remained open. One Interesting side note to the ordinance is a proposed six foot ‘no touch zone” around strippers. The will certainly cause an uproar among the regular going “gentlemen’s club” crowd. I frankly never got the whole strip club thing. Then again I have never in my life purchased a skin mag either. I suspect there is a strong correlation between those who purchase them and regularly go to strip clubs. I would rather walk into a night club take my swing and be told to get lost rather than give some girl 20 bucks to fake nice when she wants to tell me the same thing….