The NBA season is upon us. I attended the Dallas Mavericks first exhibition game. I then took an unusual step for me. I roamed the streets of Dallas checking out various nightclubs contemplating the hope filled start of the Dallas Mavericks season. I wandered aimlessly from bar to bar contemplating what I hoped was the start of a very successful season ending in a championship. It struck me that there were many similarities between the social interactions I witnessed out on the singles scene and the great game of hoops. It made me realize that while life imitates art, basketball can imitate life. If you don’t believe me put on your high-tops any weekend and step onto the hardwood court of Dallas or any big city nightlife where an entire basketball season is played out on any given night. There are no points for second place. The winners hit nothing but net while the losers head home alone and whine the next morning about how they gave their best. The only way you can only get a “clear path” to the basket” view of all this is if you are living outside the three point line. I stared in awe as a baseline spectator of the same game all over again on a different court. There different players, different rules and the winners and loser some times much more subtle than the fourth quarter sore or determining the defensive or offensive set. To watch this game I had to re-learn all I knew about basketball and how it applied to the nightlife scene. Once I had finished learning the rules and different offensive (sometimes very offensive!) and defensive sets, a night out in Dallas became more entertaining than watching the NBA Finals.
In order to see what I saw and know what I know you have to have a basic understanding of basketball “terminology” as it applies to both the NBA and the nightclub scene. Once you have this understanding you will never look at a bar or nightclub in the same light. Here are some of the terms you need to understand. You can find the actual NBA definitions for many of these terms here. These are in no particular order:
“Palming“ The act of adjusting your crotch in a nightclub right in front of your buddy/wingman and the hot girl you are talking to. This is a change in possession foul and you must now transfer possession of the hot girl to your buddy.
“Slam-dunk“ The last drunk girl in the bar at 2 am
“Full Court Press “ Within fifteen minutes of meeting a girl in a bar you have given her your phone number, certified financial statement, recent HIV test, two round trip tickets to Vegas for the next day. You even have flowers sent to the girl while still in the bar.
“Flagrant Foul“ At the very moment the hottest girl in the bar is handing you her telephone number, your best buddy picks his nose. This is a two shot foul. You keep the ball. Your buddy must buy two shots of any drink you choose for you and any girl you want the rest of the night.
“Double-Double“ You figure it out…
“Triple Double“ U DA MAN!
Clear Path Foul: You picked up the hottest girl in the club. She has told you how much she wants you. You are on your way back to your place. She pukes all over your car.
“Fast Break“ You have not even valeted the car yet and your buddy is coming out of the nightclub, hot girl in hand.
“Traveling” You live in Dallas. She lives in Fort Worth. This is a change in possession foul if your buddy doesn’t care where she lives.
24 Second Violation: You meet a hot girl. You spend the first 25 seconds talking about your millions in the bank, new Maserati, listing on the Forbes 400 and your Gulfstream while your 3 roommates look on. The is also known as a “30k Millionaire Violation” It is a change in possession violation to any guy in the bar that actually owns a Maserati or Gulfstream.
“Double Dribble“ You forget to tie your shoes. Just as you are about to hand your girl her drink, you trip and spill both drinks on her. This is a change in possession foul as your buddy calls you a clumsy idiot stating that he would never be so stupid. She agrees and goes home with him.
“Back Court Violation“ Your posse is in the club. You have drink in hand when you realize your driver was denied entrance because he wore tennis shoes.
“Alley Oop“ Your buddy hands off to you that last drunk girl in the bar at 2 am. You are hoping to convert to a “slam dunk”.
“Moving Screen“ Your buddy is not getting near that girl. She is going home with you!
“Blocking Foul“ Right when the hottest girl in the club is handing you’re her phone number and your buddy comes up and says he found your wedding ring on the floor.
“Offensive Foul“ You had Italian for dinner. Your about to kiss your girl good night on the cheek (because you’re a gentlemen) when you burp and a piece of spaghetti lands on her cheek. This is a change of possession foul. She does not care who gets the ball as along as its not you.
“Loose Ball Foul“ No clean underwear and an unknown hole tear in your pants.
“Technical Foul” She told you she was 21 when you bought her a drink. This is a ejection from game foul and a minimum one game suspension to be spent in a 4 by 6 with bars.
“Offensive Rebound“ It is not your fault your buddy cant close.
“Tip Off” You spy something suspiciously looking like an Adam’s Apple on the hot “girl” you are talking to.
“Two Minute Warning” Its last call. You struck out. Your driver has left and you have no cab fare.
You now have the rules you need to step into the hoops arena of Dallas Nightlife or any big city club scee where unlike the NBA, every weekend brings a new season..