I purchased a new set of headphones at Best Buy. Mine died of natural causes. I am one of those people that cannot work out unless I am listening to something so it was imperative that I got a new set before my next workout. I thought I had it planned out perfectly. I would buy the headphones, run home, get my gym stuff and be ready to rock and roll!

I found a cool pair that I liked. I got them home. Everything was going as planned. I guess I never really noticed or thought about the fact that they were enclosed in this big thick plastic case. The kind that need to be opened with a phaser or a Jedi light saber. No big deal. I would just get the scissors out and I am ready to go. There were no scissors to be found.

So here we go… I ripped it with my hands, stomped it with my feet, tore it with my teeth, fed it to my dog, fed it to my cat, stabbed it, jabbed it, prayed over it and cursed it. It just smiled back at me laughing, still snugly encased in its plastic kryptonite home. Where is Superman when you need him? Finally in a fit of rage, I took a knife and wildly stabbed at. I completely missed it and impaled my hand. I screamed loudly and throw the package across the room. I heard my cat scream. I looked over and it had sliced off the end of her tail.

After I bandaged my hand, I picked up the cat and the headphones and headed for the vet. On the way to the vet I look at the headphones and they were still in their plastic case laughing at me. I decided that I would have the last laugh and tossed them onto the highway to face a gruesome end by tire squash.

I got my cats tail re-attached. I got my hand stitched and headed home. I was stopped at a red light and out of the corner of my eye I saw a homeless guy wearing my headphones and petting his cat. He was obviously smarter that I was!

I missed my workout.

Question to ponder? What is the point of these “kryptonite cases”? Medieval Chastity Belts were probably easier to break into. Somebody please tell me who invented it so I can send him or her my vet bill.

©2009 Brian Cuban

As my age has advanced the need for a regular haircut has decreased rapidly along with the coverage on my head.   It is only natural that when taking the risk of having someone cut something off my body that may not grow back I would seek the biggest bang for my buck.  I have found that there is no better place to get this bang than at Toni & Guy Hair Salons.(T&G).  I recently walked into T &G for the first time.  My immediate impression was that regardless of any hair rearrangement taking place there were clear lessons to be had in body piercings, tattoos and the art of cross dressing.  Most of the girls working there were very attractive, even the ones I suspected may be male.  I was led to the back to have my hair washed.  I leaned back to a refreshing warm spray of water and a neck massage occasionally opening my eyes to see if I could catch any glimpse of an Adams Apple on the girl soaking down the few hairs on my head.

There  were several high definition video screens each playing various types of what appeared to be soft core porn ingeniously  disguised as a T &G fashion shows and various short fantasy hair stories.  The video in the screen direct front of my involved a series of scantily clothes female parading through a dark castle. One was dressed as a submissive cat like creature being dominated by a asexual type warlock with scissors in one hand and a phallically shaped hair dryer in the other.  By the time my hair was washed my body temperature had risen 10 degrees and I was squirming uncomfortably in my chair.  I began to wonder how many children had sat in my seat and had and told mommy and daddy about the great prince and sleeping beauty show they had seen while getting their hair cut.  I also wondered how many 13 year old boys were begging their parents for weekly haircuts and how many girls begged their mom for the patented T&G “Stripper Pole Cut” in the hopes of one day appearing in that video to get middle aged guys like me hot and bothered without getting out of the chair and looking good at the same time. The only thing missing was a lap dance.  I dropped a note in the suggestion box on the way out.

What do you think of when you visualize your average Digg user? I visualize a late teen to twenty something geek glasses wearing, dateless, pimple popping nerd, barricaded in his room bedroom smoking a doobie while drinking a diet soft drink, farting on his cat and endlessly hitting the “refresh” key in the hopes of that one more elusive “Digg” that will take his story to the masses with his mother constantly calling upstairs to ask if he has found a job yet……

That is NOT a criticism of Digg users. It is more my taking a self inventory of my life and a warning to diggers that I am what you have to look forward to. A forty- something, Lasik vision enhanced dateless, pimple popping nerd with a bad back from sitting on his “computer ass” all day endlessly hitting the “refresh” key between sips of my favorite java in the hopes of that one more “Digg” that will take my story to the masses…

I am making up for lost “Digger Geek” time as I never got to be a true Digg Geek . Not only did Digg not exist in my true geek days but neither did personal computers or the internet…. How in the world did we all get by back then? If I didn’t have Digg now I would probably switch to massive heroin abuse….. Frankly, if I could stick my head in my computer terminal to get my hair cut, I would never leave the freaking house, Digging endlessly through time….

In the end we are all destined for “Digger Anonymous”. I can see it now…” my name is Brian and I am a Digging, nose picking geek”…. HELLO BRIAN!

Diggers are an interesting bunch…..

I frankly am a Digger that other Diggers love to hate. Why? Because I am a digging nose picking geek who often self promotes. This means I sometimes Digg my own original content posted on my own blog. As more than one Digger has so eloquently stated.. “Who gives a f**k was you think!” While I am actually proud of the fact that three original pieces I wrote went front page, I absolutely understand this philosophy.

The Digg philosophy is the only credible story is a story someone else wrote….

I have no problem with this. My content is not for everyone and may only have credibility to a limited few. I frankly think Bill O’reilly is a no credibility nose picking geek but hey, thats just me…. There are masses who think anything that comes out of his mouth should be a new paragraph in a history book. It is all in the eyes of the geek on the other end isn’t it? Credibility is judged by the masses. Just ask any bookie setting a line….

Even though it serves a legitimate “news distribution” purpose, I just can’t sit in front of my computer, diet coke and doobie in hand, endlessly digging articles across the internet… I would rather write original content offering my take on the news and digg that around the internet. I love to generate thought and discussion.

A perfect example of this is the groundbreaking scientific genetic animal cross-breeding story that broke the other day. Genetic scientists announced the creation of a whole new species of animal. They announced the creation of the “Chimpcat” A Chimpcat is apparently a cross between a chimpanzee and a house cat. It is furry, it can swing through trees and meows like a cat.

Now I could simply Digg this story in the hopes of accumulating thousands of Diggs and getting that elusive free set of steak knives I hear Digg awards monthly to the highest digger….. I however would rather write/blog my own opinion on the legal, medical ethics and social implications of the “Chimpcat”

I would rather write about my concern that the introduction of the Chimpcat into society will cause the entire public service infrastructure to collapse. Can you imagine a world where fire departments were endlessly called out on false “Chimpcats in trees” calls? There would be no time for legitimate fire calls. Cities would burn. Societies would collapse. Anarchy would ensue. Dogs and Chimpcats would be sleeping in the streets together….. Our worst nightmares would ensure…..

As the first person to pick up on and write about his insidious “Chimpcat conspiracy” don’t I have Digg credibility? Do I not now have a P.H.D in “chimpcatology” worthy of millions of Diggs?

GO CHIMPCAT GO!

  I have taken more grief on one particular issue more than any subject I have written on. I even ran into some people in NYC recently who read my blog and commented on my lack of spelling etiquette which is was a nice way of saying that I can’t spell worth a shit. (Just the other day someone pointed out that I had spelled my own name wrong on a portion of my blog) I was really feeling pretty “low rent” in my grammatical efforts and was contemplating various types of therapy to get over the feelings of “spelling inadequacy”.  Just when I was about to end it all , I saw something that pulled me out of  the doldrums and restored my faith in humanity and human nature in general. I was perusing a back issue of Marie Claire Magazine. (Yes, real men read Marie Claire) The following story headline was prominently displayed:

The Million-Dollar Question” … the byline under the title reads as follows:  “We’re better educated, better read, and better at launching a business.  So why, when it comes to managing money, do women lag behind?  Serial debter(sic) Meghan Daum explains the complex state of women and wealth.”

Being an attorney and holding numerous credit cards, I am very familiar with the term “debtor“   In legal circles and the many threatening letters from these credit card combines and their paid leg-breakers…… it has always been spelled DEBTOR!  I looked at their spelling and immediately was of the opinion that there was a spelling I was unaware of. … I suspect that this magazine is paying people who call themselves assistant editors who pick up girls claiming to be aspiring writers  working on a hit play in the NYC bar scene and….. get paid to check spelling……

 At least I have an excuse. I’m just lazy and have not written anything worthy enough to play the 50k a year billionaire in NYC (Millionaires are a dime a dozen there so you have to jack up your game…).

MARIE CLAIRE IS A TOTALLY DIFFERENT MATTER!  They are ruled by the almighty dollar and to have such a blatant misspelling on such a mainstream word (especially to those of us who owe) has to be an incredible embarrassment that registers 9.0 on the I f****k up Richter scale! I mean when your whole product consists of the written word, someone is going from senior editor to copy boy on that one!

I decide to help Marie Claire out and prove that someone there knew some esoteric definition of “debtor” that the legal profession had overlooked. I went to the Miriam Webster Website. I typed in “debtor” and “debtor.”  I have very bad news for the former editor and new copy boy at Marie Claire. Only the “o” version exists according to Miriam Webster.

 It is possible that the word “debter” was being used in the great tradition of France given the origins of the magazine. I however took the liberty of using an online French-English and English-French Dictionary and could find no analogous use of the word in French. Note to the former editor and now proud new copyboy- those buying the magazine here  Dallas, Texas and Pittsburgh, Pa and just about everywhere else BUT maybe New York City are probably expecting to read words that exemplify the great literary concepts and traditions of the good old U.S of A! I for one do not possess dual citizenship and have enough trouble translating English on a daily basis.

Now every time I get a comment or a message lambasting me for my admittedly haphazard spelling, I will think of Marie Claire’s new copyboy and strive to do better (not bettor)!

If anyone former Marie Claire assistant editors want a job checking my blog let me know.  You won’t get paid anything but you will be a “debter person” for it…….