It seems Lindsay Lohan can not find work. While I can hear the world’s smallest violin playing quietly across Hollywood and the blogsophere it brought to mind an article I wrote but never posted back in 2006.   Given that it now seems prophetic, here it is.

The Legalities of Lindsay Lohan written July 29. 2006

I have never seen a Lindsay Lohan movie. I do not read gossip columns,  or frequent TMZ.  I could not care less about her off screen antics.   I however  could not resist seeing what kind of threatening letter a top studio executive sends a 20 year old out of control, party-wild,  self impressed actress when they are not happy with her work habits.

In this case it involves a movie in production called “Georgia Rule” in which she is the star.  The studio is apparently concerned with Lindsay’s failure to show up for production calls and showing up late when she did show.  They feel there is some relationship to her perceived excessive partying.  In the letter James G. Robinson, CEO of Morgan Creek Productions, calls Lohan’s recent absences from the set “irresponsible and unprofessional.”

Being an attorney, I took interest in the letter.  I  scanned quickly through all the emotional rhetoric and right down to the legal threats. They of course threaten to take all action necessary to ensure the protection of the integrity of the film.  Having some limited exposure to the film industry, the first thing that came to my mind and was what is generally considered one of the more costly aspects of a major motion pictures aside from salaries. This is the completion completion insurance or a “completion bond.”

Now you may ask, what the hell does insurance have to do with Lindsey Lohan and the making of her film?  It may not have a lot to do with this film, but I can guarantee you it will affect her future films and if she doesn’t calm down.  She may find herself a “B” movie queen because she will be uninsureable or it will be cost prohibitive to insure her.

When a studio is casting for a major production it is  a crap shot on whether it makes money.  Like most other business ventures  it is about minimizing risk.  If an actor or actress can not be insured or be insured for a reasonable amount in comparison to the projected revenues of the film that person is probably not going to get many starring  or mainstream roles.   This is because the producers of the film may not be able to get a completion bond.

A completion bond is a motion picture completion guaranty is a written contract that guarantees a motion picture will be finished and delivered on schedule and within budget. The majority of films produced and fully financed by the major Hollywood studios are self-guaranteed. However, most independently financed films, including many that are released and distributed by the major studios, require a completion guaranty.

A producer usually secures a completion guaranty for the benefit of the bank or other financiers who agree to make the necessary production funding strike price available to the producer. In general, a completion guaranty assures banks and financiers that:
1. The producers will complete and deliver the film in keeping with the screenplay, budget and production schedule that the bank or financiers approved; or
2. The completion guarantor will complete and deliver the film in keeping with such pre-approved screenplay and production schedule, and advance such sums in excess of the pre-approved budget necessary to do so; or
3. In the event production of the film is abandoned, the completion guarantor will fully repay all sums invested in the film by the bank or financiers.

If Lindsay, who is from what I hear a very talented actress when she is sober, does not get her act together soon, she will find herself relegated to low budget Indies such as “Herbie Retooled and Reloaded Again And Again And Again And Again”

The Jerry Seinfeld cookbook defamation lawsuit continues to baste its way through the court system.  The latest ingredient thrown into the crockpot is several prior episodes of Seinfeld in which Jerry makes fun of lawsuits. In court papers filed Friday, Seinfeld says he never mentioned Lapine by name and that “mocking the litigious nature of society is a recurring theme” of his comedy. As an example of that, Seinfeld’s papers note two 1995 episodes of his TV series “Seinfeld” that feature his side-kick Kramer’s legal misadventures.

Jerry is attempting to show that making fun of lawsuits and people who sue is simply part of his act and was not directed at the plaintiff, Missy Chase Lapine.  Seinfeld’s lawyers  previously urged a judge to throw out the defamation lawsuit brought against him.  Seinfeld claims he was exercising his First Amendment rights on the show, and that “any statements Lapine perceived to be derogatory were made while he was in comedian mode,”

“Nobody who was listening to Jerry Seinfeld thought he was doing anything but making very funny jokes,” attorney Orin Snyder told E! “Nobody believed him to be stating facts. Everyone understood him to be doing what he has done so well for so many years, which was telling jokes and entertaining. So the claim against him is frivolous and we have asked the court to dismiss it too.”

Seinfeld was sued for slander among other things by Lapine who also claims that Jerry’s wife stole her idea for a children’s healthy eating cookbook.  Missy Chase Lapine (“Lapine”) and The Sneaky Chef, Inc. filed a lawsuit in the U.S. District Court for the Southern District of New York against Jerry Seinfeld and Jessica Seinfeld for copyright infringement, defamation, and trademark infringement.

Lapine, the author of “The Sneaky Chef: Simple Strategies for Hiding Healthy Foods in Kids’ Favorite Meals,” accused Seinfeld’s wife of plagiarizing her cookbook. Jessica Seinfeld’s “Deceptively Delicious: Simple Secrets to Get Your Kids Eating Good Food” . The publisher had previously rejected a book by Lapine but published a book by Seinfeld on the same subject.  Jerry being the comedian that he is, had his next routine laid out like red carpet.

On a nationally televised David Letterman talk show appearance he called Ms. Lapine a wacko and a crackpot and compared her to the killers of John Lennon and Martin Luther King.(video below)  Mr. Seinfeld did not refer to Ms. Lapine by name, but spoke of a “three-name woman” and said that “if you read history, many of the three-name people do become assassins.”

Jerry seems to be so mired in his egotistic world of television and comedic persona that he can not distinguish between television characters and real people.  He keeps missing the fundamental point of it all.  The David Letterman show is not Seinfeld.  MIssy Chase Lapine is not Cosmo Kramer. She is a real person.  She is is not a public figure for the purposes of his comedic act.  His defense that he did not mention her by name is half-baked.  It is a safe bet that 99 and 9/10 percent of the people watching as Letterman talked about the book while he cracked jokes knew exactly who was being discussed.

Moral of story?  Make national television fodder of Paris Hilton and Lindsey Lohan all you want but leave happy home-maker alone.

(Washington)   Former Governor of New York Eliot Spitzer will hold a news conference in which he will announce his intent to ask for a special session of the New York State Legislature during which he will ask for his job back as governor.   In exchange for getting his job back Spitzer, inspired by the successful rehab of Lindsey Lohan  and her use of an alcohol ankle monitor will voluntarily wear an ankle monitor 24 hours a day. 

The monitor will light up if he has been with a hooker within the last 12 hours.   If the hooker cost more than 100 dollars the monitor will light up bright blue.  If the hooker cost more than 500 dollars the monitor will light up bright red. If the hooker cost more than 1000 dollars the monitor will light up bright green.  The monitor will also light up bright yellow if Spitzer has used taxpayer money to pay for the hooker.  Lindsey Lohan is expected to attend to news conference and say a few words.  More to follow……