For the last few days, I have been depressed, angry, sick to my stomach and unable to focus.  I have cried uncontrollably, kicked my dog and chased my cat around the house flicking  Dirk Nowitzki basketball trading cards at her.

To top it off, this morning I woke up sitting naked in an seat in an empty American Airlines Center screaming “FREE RODDY B!”

After posting bail, I rushed home to see if I could self diagnose the mysterious symptoms that have overtaken my body.

I did an exhaustive Google search. I  researched medical journals. I even scheduled an emergency visit with a sports fan psychologist.  Much to my relief, I finally found the answer in an obscure article entitled “Sports Fanatic Psychosis, Diagnosis and Treatment“.  The article was put out by the South End Of The Island Of Grenada School Of Medicine. I am suffering from “Season Over Syndrome“(SOS). It turns out there are seven stages of “SOS”.

1.  SHOCK AND DENIAL

This feeling is generally manifested in a  heightened awareness of situations and individuals that will be left behind after the season is over.  You find yourself with overwhelming feelings of sorrow and sympathy for players making millions of dollars per year who are already sitting on desert islands sipping Cuba Libre drinks, banging hot women and partying with the Dos Equis Man as they live vicariously through themselves.

2. PAIN AND GUILT

As your body goes through the withdrawal of countless nights of playoff drinking and debauchery, you suddenly realize that your condo has not been cleaned in weeks. Your  unwashed laundry stinks.  Your girlfriend has left you.  You can no longer see your feet or your “Johnson” from drinking and eating so much.  The fat slob in the mirror overwhelms you with pain and guilt.  The rest does not bother you that much.  That’s what maids and strip clubs are for.

3.  ANGER

Your guilt turns to increasing anger as you realize that you look like shit, your baseball team sucks, football is months away and your your now eliminated NBA team wont have a 1st round draft pick because they traded it for a Slobovian point guard named Meloosh.

4.  DEPRESSION AND LONELINESS

Just as all your friends think you are over the disappointment and ready to move on, you become very reflective of the season that was.  You begin inviting your friends over to show them your new Tops Basketball Card Collection and  watch endless reruns of movies like Hoosiers, The Fish That Save Pittsburgh, Celtic Pride, Like Mike, And Space Jam.  After one night of this, your friends begin discussing an SOS intervention behind your back.

5.  FEELING BETTER

You start to adjust to a boring summer without the benefit of good tickets to playoff games to pick up hot women. That’s ok though because the night club scene is improving.  Out of contention and out of work NBA players, groupies and douchebag wannabes converge on the club scene  with guns, entourage and gangsta attitude in tow.  “Celebrity Beatdowns“  are a weekly nightclub event.  They help wean you off the Jerry Springer and TMZ addictions that are  symptoms of SOS.

6.  RECONSTRUCTION AND REDEMPTION

November is rapidly approaching. Time to get your body back shape for the long grueling season. Pre-game happy hours, post game happy hours, post game private parties.  An intense heckling regime to be rehearsed.  Have to look good for the Jumbotron or any impromptu national television appearances.  The gym is now your best friend. Your team is not looking good for the new year so you have to be looking extra buff.  It’s exponentially harder to pick up chicks after a loss. You think Meelosh will be a bust.

7. ACCEPTANCE AND HOPE

As opening day gets closer, the trash talk of a new season begins. You once again begin to feel the hope of a the promised NBA title  despite a bunch of crappy mid-level exception signings, no bench and Meelosh as your starting center.

You will once again experience the joy of basketball, women and making a complete drunken idiot out of yourself all in the name of basketball fandom.  If the team wins you might even get laid this year.  Meelosh is coming around. Life is good.

The  2009-10 NBA regular season is here!  A season of new hopes and  players will soon be here.  But on the social scene in Dallas, “singles season’’ never ends.   In preparation for the new season of after-game bars, clubs, see and be seen sports douchebaggery, I recently roamed the streets of Dallas after the Mav’s home opener, checking out various nightspots while contemplating what will hopefully be a great Mavs season. I wandered about, contemplating how we would make the playoffs, play deep in, and hopefully challenge again for that elusive Larry O’Brien NBA Championship Trophy.

At the same time, I was stunned by a similarity between singles scene as the NBA:

Life imitates art. Basketball imitates life. Especially in social interactions.

I saw all kinds (as I often do), not all of them enviable kinds. There were the 30K Millionaires, the Cougars, the GoldDiggers and the MackDaddy D-bags, and I saw all kinds of similarities between the social interactions I witnessed out on the singles scene and the great game of hoops.

Let’s lace up those high-tops for a walk onto the hardwood court of Dallas (and note that I believe it’s largely the same for any big-city nightlife where a basketball season is played out). There are no points for second place. The winners hit nothing but net while the losers head home alone and whine the next morning about how they gave their best. The only way you can only get a “clear path” to the basket” view of all this is if you are living outside the 3-point line.

To watch this game – and to maybe be more than a baseline season-ticket-holder — I had to re-learn all I knew about basketball and how it applied to the nightlife scene. Once I had finished learning the rules and different offensive (sometimes very offensive!) and defensive sets, a night out in Dallas became more entertaining than watching the NBA Finals.

Well, almost

In order to see what I saw and know what I know you have to have a basic understanding of basketball “terminology” as it applies to both the NBA and the nightclub scene. Once you have this understanding you will never look at a bar or nightclub in the same light. Here are some of the terms you need to understand:

“Palming”: The act of adjusting oneself in a nightclub right in front of your buddy/wingman and the hot girl you are talking to. This is a change in possession foul and you must now transfer possession of the hot girl to your buddy.

“Slam-dunk”: The last drunk girl in the bar at 2 a.m.

“Full Court Press’’: Within 15 minutes of meeting a girl in a bar you have given her your phone number, certified financial statement, recent HIV test and two round-trip tickets to Vegas for the next day. You’ve even sent flowers sent to the girl … while still in the bar.

“Flagrant Foul”: At the very moment the hottest girl in the bar is handing you her telephone number, your best buddy, say, picks his nose. This is a two-shot foul. You retain possession. Your buddy must buy two shots of any drink you choose for you and any girl you want the rest of the night.

“Double-Double”: You figure it out…

“Triple Double”: U DA MAN!

“Clear Path Foul:’’ You picked up the hottest girl in the club. She has told you how much she wants you. You are on your way back to your place. She pukes all over your car.

“Fast Break”: You’ve just arrived, you have not even valeted the car yet and your buddy is coming out of the nightclub, hot girl on his arm.

“Traveling”: You live in Dallas. She lives in Fort Worth. This is a change-of-possession foul – but only if your buddy doesn’t care where she lives.

“24-Second Violation’’: You meet a hot girl. You spend the first 25 seconds talking about your millions in the bank, new Maserati, your listing on the Forbes 400 and your Gulfstream while your three roommates look on. This is also known as a “30K Millionaire Violation.” It is a turnover – she turns herself over to the next guy in the bar who actually owns a Maserati or Gulfstream.

“Double Dribble”: You forget to tie your shoes. Just as you are about to hand your girl her drink, you trip and spill both drinks on her. This is a change-in-possession foul as your buddy because your buddy uses it against you. She agrees and goes home with him.

“Back-Court Violation”: Your posse is in the club. You have drink in hand when you realize your driver was denied entrance because he wore tennis shoes, thus violating the dress-to-impress code.

“Alley-Oop”: Your buddy generously hands off to you that last drunk girl in the bar at 2 am. You are hoping to convert to a “slam dunk.’’

“Moving Screen”: Your buddy is not getting near that girl. She is going home with you!

“Blocking Foul”: Just as the hottest girl in the club is handing you her phone number … this is gonna be good. … your buddy approaches and and is nice enough to report that he found your wedding ring on the floor.

“Offensive Foul”: You had Italian for dinner. You’re about to kiss your girl goodnight — on the cheek, because you’re a gentleman — when you burp just a little. Is that a piece of spaghetti that’s landed on her cheek? Another turnover. To anybody. As long as it’s not you.

“Technical Foul”: She told you she was 21 when you bought her a drink. This is an ejection. A one-game suspension. And a timeout. … maybe to be spent in a 4×6 with bars.

“Offensive Rebound”: It is not your fault your buddy can’t close.

“Tip Off”: You spy something on her neck. It is suspicious. It appears that the attractive woman you are looking at has an Adam’s Apple.’’

“Two-Minute Warning”: It’s last call. You struck out. Your designated driver has left and you have no cab fare. Time for more “traveling.’’ Because you’re walking home.

There’s the rules of the game. And unlike the NBA regular season, which must come to again, in the nightlife scene, every weekend brings a new season!

Brian Cuban is a Dallas-based attorney who serves as the Executive Director of the Mark Cuban Foundation and is currently administering The Fallen Patriot Fund. He blogs at The Cuban Revolution and can also be contacted and followed at Facebook.

I originally wrote this piece for Mike Fisher and DallasBasketball.com.  Thanks to Fish for letting me republish it on my blog. Please be sure to check it out for Mavs news and great sports  insights from Fish!

©2009 Brian Cuban

Enjoy this piece?  Be sure to join the Cuban Revolution Fan Club and/or subscribe to my newsletter to stay abreast of future posts and live celebrity interviews on The Revolution Rant

There is no question that Bill O’Reilly and “The O’Reilly Factor” on Fox News  are wildly popular. His 8 p.m. show is the top-rated cable news program, averaging 2,650,000 million households per night in April 2009.

O’Reilly’s viewers are much more than just fans-they are followers. There is a difference. Fan casually listen. They are entertained in the moment. They go about their business.  Followers are focused. They listen intently. They process information and their reactions to the issues. They may take action based on those emotional reactions.  A follower may also be a fan but a fan is not necessarily a follower. Bill O’Reilly has a lot of followers. He is often able to inspire their legions to action on whatever  issue he chooses to support or to vilify.  The actions of his followers can range to from flooding switchboards and email in-boxes with everything from god bless you to thank you to F**K YOU!

I  admittedly do not know Bill O’Reilly. I have never met him.  I however am a first-hand witness to his power to quickly engage the masses to action on a particular issue.  I was not even involved with the issue in question. Yet his words had a direct effect on me, my family my ability to do my job and my fear for my personal safety.

In 2007, the movie “Redacted” was released.  It was a production of HDNet Films which in which my brother Mark Cuban has a major interest.  Bill took great interest in the movie, claiming that it was  inflammatory and would certainly incite violence against American troops In Iraq.  He called for a boycott of the movie.  He excoriated Mark for being involved with it. He labeled Mark  with the much dreaded “Pinhead” stating:

“there is no question the film will incite anti-American hatred around the world”

Bill was right and wrong.  There was anti-American hatred. The hatred however was right here at home.  The hated Americans were Mark, myself, our family and Dallas Mavericks employees.  Almost all of whom had nothing to do with the film. That was the only anti-American hatred that was incited and it was not incited by the movie.  It was incited by Bill’s inflammatory rhetoric  Did it translate into violence?  Thank god it did not.  It did however cause me to fear for my safety.(I had absolutely nothing to do with the film).  It caused my email box and my voice-mail  to fill with the most vile of hate messages

I also could no longer answer the phones as part of my job as the Executive Director of  The Fallen Patriot Fund.  A  fund founded by the Mark Cuban Foundation.  A fund that to date has given out over 4 million dollars to injured soldiers and the families of soldiers killed in Operation Iraqi Freedom.  For a period of about two weeks, about every other time I answered the phone I was greeted with hate filled, obscenity laced tirades over the movie.  There were threats as well.

Ironically, American wounded soldiers in need as well as families of KIA soldiers counting on timely grants from the Fallen Patriot Fund to make ends meet were the ultimate victims of O”Reilly’s Redacted rant.

You think Bill cared?  I doubt he even thought about it before or after Mark pointed out the dangerous effect of Bill’s words.  Soldiers experiencing delays in obtaining needed funds and our family safety were simply the collateral risk he stepped  over without looking down and undoubtedly laughed about  about with his producers and buds.  Here is a quote from Mark’s take on the situation:

“In response to Mr OReilly’s comments that “he is going to be my worst nightmare”. Well you have succeeded Mr OReilly. The people who take you literally took it upon themselves to call my businesses with bomb threats, threaten employees, myself and others with physical harm and wish every manor of death , injury and illness on us all. They also managed to fill up the telephone lines of the Fallen Patriot Fund so that we couldn’t conduct business, and maybe its coincidence, but the fund’s website went offline for the first time ever yesterday.”

Now we have  late term abortion doctor George Tiller shot dead.    O’Reilly never hid is contempt for  Dr. Tiller.  He was a vocal opponent of the late term abortions Tiller performed. Bill  repeatedly said on air that Tiller  had “blood on his hands.” He stated that Tiller was operating a “death mill“  He  labeled him “Tiller The Baby Killer” .

Strong words?  Certainly.   A call to action by his followers?  Not explicitly.  One would hope that O’Reilly would not make such statements  hoping the harm would befall the good doctor who was ultimately shot dead.

What is the point of this?

It is not that I think Bill O’Reilly bears some legal or moral responsibility for the death of Dr. Tiller.  I do not believe he does.

It is also not that I agree or disagree with his opinions of  Redacted. I frankly have never seen the movie. I probably never will.  Not my cup of tea.  There is however part of me that wonders if Bill  still optimistically hoping that American or coalition troops will stumble upon a safe house or terrorist training facility in Iraq  stocked with boot-leg copies of Redacted before we are completely out so he can give a “told you so” shout out to Mark and give him another “pinhead” award.

My point is that anyone who thinks Bill O’Reilly can not work his followers into a tornado frenzy capable of spitting out violent acts is naive in the extreme. My point is that anyone who truly believes that Bill O”Reilly does not know this and is not aware of this with every word he spouts is worse than naive, they are just plain stupid. That just as dangerous as Bill’s words.

The last point is that it ultimately goes back to what I have been saying time and time again in the context of the Facebook Holocaust Denial controversy. Along with the power to put out an unrestricted message to the media masses comes the responsibility to be socially conscious of the effect of that message.

In the end, I admit there a big difference between the Redacted and Tiller example.  The difference is that no one put a bullet in me or anyone in my family.  I guess the right nut-case follower did not take Bill seriously enough.

Bill O’Reilly’s Mark Cuban Redacted Rant

Bill Oreilly Says Dr. George Tiller Operating A “Death Mill”

I can not figure it out.  For the last few days, I have been depressed, angry, sick to my stomach and unable to focus.  I have cried uncontrollably, kicked my dog and chased my cat around the house flicking  Dirk Nowitzki basketball trading cards at her.

To top it off, this morning I woke up sitting naked in an seat in an empty American Airlines Center screaming “KMART’S A THUG”, again flicking.  This time flicking imaginary beer and popcorn on imaginary Denver Nuggets fans seated next to me.

After posting bail, I rushed home to see if I could self diagnose the mysterious symptoms that have overtaken my body.

I did an exhaustive Google search. I  researched medical journals. I even scheduled an emergency visit with a sports fan psychologist.  Much to my relief, I finally found the answer in an obscure article entitled “Sports Fanatic Psychosis, Diagnosis and Treatment“.  The article was put out by the South End Of The Island Of Grenada School Of Medicine. I am suffering from “Season Over Syndrome“(SOS). It turns out there are seven stages of “SOS”.

1.  SHOCK AND DENIAL

This feeling is generally manifested in a  heightened awareness of situations and individuals that will be left behind after the season is over.  You find yourself with overwhelming feelings of sorrow and sympathy for players making millions of dollars per year who are already sitting on desert islands sipping Cuba Libre drinks, banging hot women and partying with the Dos Equis Man as they live vicariously through themselves.

2. PAIN AND GUILT

As your body goes through the withdrawal of countless nights of playoff drinking and debauchery, you suddenly realize that your condo has not been cleaned in weeks. Your  unwashed laundry stinks.  Your girlfriend has left you.  You can longer see your feet or your “Johnson” from drinking and eating so much.  The fat slob in the mirror overwhelms you with pain and guilt.  The rest does not bother you that much.  That’s what maids and strip clubs are for.

3.  ANGER

Your guilt turns to increasing anger as you realize that you look like shit, your baseball team sucks, football is months away and your your now eliminated NBA team wont have a 1st round draft pick because they traded it for a Slobovian point guard named Meloosh.

4.  DEPRESSION AND LONELINESS

Just as all your friends think you are over the disappointment and ready to move on, you become very reflective of the season that was.  You begin inviting your friends over to show them your new Tops Basketball Card Collection and  watch endless reruns of movies like Hoosiers, The Fish That Save Pittsburgh, Celtic Pride, Like Mike, And Space Jam.  After one night of this, your friends begin discussing an SOS intervention behind your back.

5.  FEELING BETTER

You start to adjust to a boring summer without the benefit of good tickets to playoff games to pick up hot women. That’s ok though because the night club scene is improving.  Out of contention and out of work NBA players, groupies and douchebag wannabes converge on the club scene  with guns, entourage and gangsta attitude in tow.  “Celebrity Beatdowns“  are a weekly nightclub event.  They help wean you off the Jerry Springer and TMZ addictions that are  symptoms of SOS.

6.  RECONSTRUCTION AND REDEMPTION

November is rapidly approaching. Time to get your body back shape for the long grueling season. Pre-game happy hours, post game happy hours, post game private parties.  An intense heckling regime to be rehearsed.  Have to look good for the Jumbotron or any impromptu national television appearances.  The gym is now your best friend. Your team is not looking good for the new year so you have to be looking extra buff.  It’s exponentially harder to pick up chicks after a loss. You think Meelosh will be a bust.

7. ACCEPTANCE AND HOPE

As opening day gets closer, the trash talk of a new season begins. You once again begin to feel the hope of a the promised NBA title  despite a bunch of crappy mid-level exception signings, no bench and Meelosh as your starting center.

You will once again experience the joy of basketball, women and making a complete drunken idiot out of yourself all in the name of basketball fandom.  If the team wins you might even get laid this year.  Meelosh is coming around. Life is good.