(Mars) CNN has learned that Southland Corporation, parent company of the 7-11 convenience chain has been secretly negotiating to land the exclusive rights to carry Martian Water at 7-11 stores worldwide. Now that the existence of water on Mars has been confirmed Southland will be launching its own spaceship known as SLURPEE 1. The ship is currently being constructed under tight security at Akido Island just off the Japanese Coast. While Southland has been tight-lipped about funding for this project, it is rumored that it is a joint venture between billionaire space adventurer Richard Branson, founder of Virgin Atlantic Airlines, and billionaire S.R. Hadden, head of the multi-national conglomerate Hadden Industries. The water will be sold under the brand name “Martian Buzz”.
The water will be sold in conjunction with the world-wide release of Steven Spielberg’s epic space adventure “Mars Needs Women” based on the new L Ron Hubbard bestseller “Scientology Is For Martians”. The movie stars Tom Cruise, and Amy Winehouse in her big screen debut. It is rumored that Winehouse is in negotiations to be the international Martian Buzz spokesperson. It is also rumored that Tom Cruise has booked flight on SLURPEE 1 to establish the first extra-terrestrial Scientology outpost. When it was pointed out there was no intelligent life on Mars, Cruise responded that he did not expect his landing on the Red Planet to change that situation. Cruise went on to state that it was his intent to be the first human to plant the “Flag of Scientology” on Mars. He will also leave a copy of Dianetics for all future space explorers to find and spread the Inter-Galactic Scientologic word throughout the universe.