(FOX-Dallas) Sarah Palin has announced her newest plan to get the United States economy back on track. Palin, in Dallas for a fundraiser stated that she welcomed “heated debate” over the radical legislation which “would change the way the average person lives in today’s world”.
Palin stated that her “CMDR Initiative” would stimulate the economy in ways never envisioned as well as lessen the need to rely on undocumented labor. When pressed for details, Palin was extremely vague regarding exactly what “CMDR” stands for, stating that they needed today to work out details before unveiling the full plan prior to throwing her hat into the 2012 Presidential race.
Fox News was able to get a copy of her ‘CMDR Initiative’ and can reveal for the first time that it stands for “Certificate of Minimum Dating Requirements.” Footnotes to the plan sate that is meant to stimulate the auto and fast food economy as well as curb “what has become an “epidemic” of 30k millionaires who have no job or visible means of support showing up for dates with Sarah’s daughter Bristol by bus or bicycle.
“This plan will substantially increase used car sales and relieve a strain on public transportation and the pretentiousness of dating in general – something all parties feel is the breaking point. The plan would also ensure that there is 100 percent employment in the lowest tiers of employability such a fast food restaurants as part of my new, “ONE CHILD, ONE BURGER” initiative. It would also ensure that at the bottom rung of employment, all ditches that need dug are in fact dug.”
The key element of this new legislation will be the formation of a national “CMDR Database that will function much like and be interfaced with a federal sex offender registry. Inclusion in the database will be strictly voluntary. In order to get in the CMDR Database, a guy or girl will have to do the following:
Provide the database administrator with a current address, not a P.O. Box as well as proof of U.S Citizenship.
Allow the database administrator to do a registered sex offender check.
Provide the database administrator with a current title to a vehicle at least equivalent to minimum buy-in BMW.
Provide the database administrator with two current pay stubs evidencing a salary of at least $75K per year.
Provide documentation that the applicant is not married and does not live with mommy and daddy.
Provide a DNA sample to be sure the applicant is not genetically disposed to homicidal rage and douchebag behavior in general.
Provide a negatives AIDS test that must be updated every six months.
To be in the database, the applicant agrees to update this information every six months. This information will be encoded into the driver’s license of all those who participate in the database. The database will charge a fee of $20 per month. This fee will provide a reader capable of reading the encoding on the driver’s license.
Fox News has learned that it will work as follows:
Let’s say a girl meets a guy she likes. If the guy is not in the database she can assume that he probably does not own a car, takes the unemployed, lives with mommy and daddy, may be a registered sex offender and carries communicable diseases.
If you do not own a car because of you live an enumerated major city, you can apply for a “Big Apple Exemption” from the vehicle requirement.
If the guy is in the database, the girl may scan his driver’s license through the reader and the display will show what kind of car he drives, his sex offender status, and how much he makes per year. She may then make an intelligent decision on whether to go on a date with him.
Both Republicans and Democrats feel this new initiative will force complete losers who show up for their dates on bikes and buses to go buy a car. It is also felt that this will drastically reduce the number of perverts and $30K a year millionaires asking out unsuspecting women.
In order to encourage inclusion in the new CMDR Database, it was announced that the first 1,000 people will get a free “No Deadbeats” credit check!
When confronted with the leaked version of the initiative the Palin responded with the following statement:
“Most females agree with the bedrock conservative premise that, dating toothless unemployed losers without cars and who live with their mommies and daddies are a major problem in today’s society and action needed to be taken. ”
“Taking your date to McDonalds by bus or bicycle is not the answer to our problems – it is the problem.”
“I believe that as a movement, we have veered off course into the dangerous and uncharted waters of settling for the hot bodied pool boy with the bus pass versus sacrificing some looks for the comfort and security of a guy holding a CMDR.”.
President Barack Obama when asked about the plan stated that he could not support a plan that did not include substantial tax credits from automakers and auto-lenders that would allow all unemployed geeks to qualify for a CMDR. He noted that he had just made the last payment on his 1980 BMW.
Senatory John McCain, when confronted with the proposal stated that while he agreed that something needed to be done about unemployed geeks, he felt that they were an unnecessary drain on the economy. He recommended military conscription for those who could not obtain a CMDR. He pointed out that they would be employable when they came out and who didn’t want to date a man in uniform? When pressed to elaborate, he pointed out that he had found a rich hottie young enough to be his daughter but admitted that he already had a Beemer when he snagged her. He was hoping that the legislation would finally result in a boyfriend for his daughter Meghan.
Bristol Palin refused to comment on CMDR but was quietly overheard telling a friend that the whole idea seemed gay and all homos should be excluded as well.
More to follow……
