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Palin Reveals New Economic Initiative!

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Palin Reveals New Economic Initiative!

(CNN Washington)- In an attempt to shore up the McCain-Palin run to the presidency and in a final effort to sway uncommitted swing state voters  Republican V.P. candidate Sarah Palin  her new new “CMDR Initiative”.  She stated that CMDR would change the way the average person lives in today’s world.  This initiative is expected to bring a quick turn-around to what is thought to be the most dramatic economic crisis in U.S history.  When asked to comment Palin, who was in Dallas,Texas for a private fundraiser stated:

Desperate times call for desperate measures. Dramatic steps are needed to restore sound fundamentals to the U. S. economy”

Governor Palin went on to state that the  CMDR  would stimulate the economy in ways never envisioned as well as bring a return to “real family values” like the ones she sees watching the television series “Dallas” in her hometown of Wasilla, Alaska.  When it was pointed out that Dallas has been off the air for 17 years, Palin admitted that change has come slowly to Wasilla but still felt the series emulated the family and  material values she expected from her children as they leave the seclusion of Wasilla and learned how to party like rock stars.

A CNN investigative reporter was able to obtain a copy of the confidential “CMDR Initiative Action Plan.” For security and legal reasons, we cannot post the report on our site but now for the first time, readers can see the main CMDR points prior to the plan’s implementation.

CMDR stands for “Certificate of Minimum Dating Requirements.”

We have also learned that this initiative was originally attached to the recently passed Economic Bailout Plan. It is now being pushed through in emergency legislative session to address what has become an “epidemic” of guys who have no job or visible means of support showing up for dates with girls by bus or bicycle.

This plan will substantially increase used car sales and relieve a strain on public transportation and the pretentiousness of dating in general – something all parties feel is the breaking point. The plan would also ensure that there is 100 percent employment in the lowest tiers of employability such a fast food restaurants as part of the new McCain “ONE CHILD, ONE BURGER” initiative. It would also ensure that all ditches that need dug are in fact dug.

The key element of this new legislation will be the formation of a national CMDR database. Inclusion in the database will be strictly voluntary.  In order to get in the CMDR Database, a guy or girl will have to do the following:

Provide the database administrator with a current address, not a P.O. Box as well as proof of U.S Citizenship.

Allow the database administrator to do a registered sex offender check.

Provide the database administrator with a current title to a vehicle at least equivalent to minimum buy-in BMW.

Provide the database administrator with two current pay stubs evidencing a salary of at least $50K per year.

Provide documentation that you are not married and do not live with your parents.

To be in the database, you agree to update this information every three months. This information will be encoded into the driver’s license of all those who participate in the database. The database will charge a fee of $20 per month. This fee will provide a reader capable of reading the encoding on the driver’s license.

We have learned it will work as follows:

Let’s say a girl meets a guy she likes. She has the legal right to ask if that guy is in the CMDR Database. If he isn’t, the girl can assume that he probably does not own a car or takes the bus to pick up dates, is unemployed and may be a registered sex offender.

If you do not own a car because of you live an enumerated major city, you can apply for a “Big Apple Exemption” from the vehicle requirement.

If the guy is in the database, the girl may scan his driver’s license through the reader and the display will show what kind of car he drives, his sex offender status, and how much he makes per year. She may then make an intelligent decision on whether to go on a date with him.

Palin stated that as a mother of 3 girls she has a personal stake in ensuring that  complete losers who show up for their dates on bikes and buses will go buy a car.  It is also felt that this will drastically reduce the number of perverts and $30K a year millionaires asking out unsuspecting women.

In order to encourage inclusion in the new CMDR Database, it was announced that the first 1,000 people will get a free “No Deadbeats” credit check!

John McCain took time out from preparations for the up-coming town-hall debate  to comment.  He stated that something needed to be done about unemployed geeks because they were an unnecessary drain on the economy. He recommended military conscription for those who could not obtain a CMDR. He pointed out that they would be employable when they came out and who didn’t want to date a man in uniform?  When pressed to elaborate, he pointed out that he had found a rich hottie young enough to be his daughter but admitted that he already had a Beemer when he snagged her.  McCain went on to state that 7 homes and a trust fund trophy wife would be within the grasp of all lower and middle class Americans should his CMDR initiative pass.

When confronted with the leaked version of the initiative New York Senator Hillary Clinton who was out stumping for Senator Barack Obama  was surprisingly receptive. She gave the following statement:

Most females agree with the bedrock conservative premise that dating toothless unemployed losers without cars and who live with their mommies and daddies was a major problem in today’s society and action needed to be taken. Taking your date to McDonalds by bus or bicycle is not the answer to our problems – it is the problem. I believe that as a movement, we have veered off course into the dangerous and uncharted waters of settling for the hot bodied pool boy with the bus pass versus sacrificing some looks for the comfort and security of a guy holding a CMDR.”

Senator Clinton was also quoted as saying “better a hunchback with a Beemer than a pool boy with a bus pass. It worked for me. ”

Chelsea Clinton who was stumping with her mother refused to comment on CMDR but was quietly overheard telling a friend that she had not had a date in years anyways so she really didn’t care
one way or another.

Senator Barrack Obama stated that he would welcome the opportunity to debate the economics of the CMDR initiative.   He felt that while the plan had merit it did not go far enough.  While he would not comment furthur he was heard in a “hot mike” telling an adviser that if he could snag a Ivy League babe anyone could.  He also stated that he had just made his last payment on his 1980 BMW.

More to follow…

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Pervs For Politicians Announce Award Nominations

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Pervs For Politicians Announce Award Nominations

(Washington) The grass-roots watchdog group, Pervs For Politicians(PFP) has released its nominations for the Political Pervert Of The New Millennium Award.  An executive panel was convened at the PFP national convention to evaluate the nominees. The  criteria for selection included overall depravity of the act, whether the act broke any laws,  whether public funds were used to support the pervert lifestyle and how long they were able to conceal their perversions from family and public.  Among those casting votes were honorary PFP board members including former President Bill Clinton, former Speaker Of The House Newt Gingrich, former presidential candidate Gary Hart and Monica Lewinsky.  Republican Presidential Candidate John McCain declined an honorary board membership based on the nebulous timeline in his divorce and subsequent marriage to Cindy McCain.  When asked for comment McCain stated, “cut me a break, I’m 71 and my trophy wife is smokin.”

Here are the nominees:

1.  Elliot Spitzer – Former New York Governor Spitzer earned his nomination by cheating on his wife with now infamous Hooters girl gone wild party hooker Ashely Dupree.   Spitzer was recently seen entering the Mayflower hotel for a rumored meeting with Girls Gone Wild founder Joe Francis.  They are rumored to be in negotiations for the new Francis reality series entitled:  “Pervert Politicians Do The Beltway! Get On The Bus!”

2.   John Edwards:  Former presidential candidate John Edwards was a late entry for the PFP award.  Edwards recently admitted to having an affair  with his former campaign videographer Reille Hunter.  One panel member who spoke on the condition of anonymity stated that Edwards nomination was a close call.  The panel was divided on whether having an affair while his wife battled terminal cancer qualified him as a political pervert or for the Political Scumbag of The Year Award to be handed out later this year.   It is rumored that as the story broke Edwards was lobbying the Bush administration to have Hunter declared an enemy combatant and sent to live in a private villa at Guantanamo Bay.

3.  Kwame Kilpatrick (Democrat): In 2002 Kwame, the current mayor of Detroit, was accused of throwing a “stripper party” at the Manoogian Mansion.  In January 2008 The Detroit Free Press broke the existence of more than 14,000 text messages exchanged between Kilpatrick and his chief of staff Christine Beatty. Many of the messages were sexually graphic in nature and referred to the extra-martial relationship between the two as well as efforts to cover-up his alleged misconduct while in office.  Mayor Kilpatrick also has the honor of being the only serving mayor currently under felony indictment for official misconduct.  He was unavailable for comment on his nomination as he is currently incarcerated for violating the terms of his bail stemming from the pending felony charges.

4.   Larry Craig(Republican):   Idaho Senator Larry Craig is considered to be a front runner for the PFP award. Senator Craig was arrested for lewd conduct in the men’s bathroom at the Minneapolis-St. Paul International Airport. Craig gave a whole new meaning to the “footsies mating call” in allegedly soliciting some good old bathroom peep hole “yanks” from an undercover police officer. Unfortunately for the Senator the only thing yanked that day was the cloak over his perv lifestyle.  It is rumored that Senator Craig will be introducing legislation to have all toilet stalls in Idaho public restrooms moved closer together.  When asked to comment on the new legislation, Craig stated that contact in public restrooms should be encouraged as a learning experience bringing people closer.

5.   Mark Foley(Republican):  Foley resigned from Congress after allegations that he had sent suggestive emails and sexually explicit instant messages to teenage boys serving as Congressional pages. He had allegedly also sent them to former pages.  Foley allegedly e-mailed one page offering a stay at his home in exchange for oral sex.  Foley allegedly e-mailed another page requesting a photo of his “erect penis”.  Foley was unavailable for comment on his PFP nomination.  It is rumored he is chairing the “Foley’s Young Perky Pages For Congress” Convention in Bangkok, Thailand.  A calendar is rumored to be in the works along with the Foley’s Perky Pages Twitter Network.

6.   James Mcgreevey(Democrat): The former governor of New Jersey resigned from office after admitting that he had an affair with a male aide.  When reached for comment, Mcgreevey condemned the nomination. When it was pointed out that the PFP nomination was not for being gay but for having and affair and shaming his wife and family he stated, “They will get over it”. Mcgreevey, now a seminary student further stated that he was happy over a recent ruling that he would not have to pay his ex-wife alimony.  He and his love partner wold be using the money saved for a two week trip to the Hedonism Resort.

7.David Vitter(Republican):  The senator from Louisiana found himself ensnared in the D.C. Madam scandal when his telephone number showed up in her phone book.  Vitter was previously accused by a member of the Louisiana Republican State Central Committee of carrying on a lengthy affair with a prostitute in New Orleans’s French Quarter.  Vitter has recently been seen in the company of nasty girl gone wild Ashley Dupree.  When asked for comment he stated, “She was good enough for Spitz, shes good enough for the Vittsman”.

8. David Patterson(Democrat):- Not to be out-done by former New York governor Elliot Spitzer, current governor David Paterson admitted to several affairs.  Patterson stated he maintained one relationship for two or three years with “a woman other than my wife.” It is rumored that Patterson will introduce new legislation that anyone running for the Senate or Governor in New York must have at least one extra-marital affair under his/her belt.  The legislation is co-sponsored by New York Senator Hillary Clinton.

A reprsentative of the Pervs For Politicians national selection committe stated that all nominees have been asked to provide photos, sex tapes, hotel receipts and any other evidence that would support being named the Political Pervert Of The New Millenium. Voting will begin online shortly. Stayed tuned for further details.

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7-11 Lands Exclusive Rights To Sell Martian Water

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7-11 Lands Exclusive Rights To Sell Martian Water

(Mars) CNN has learned that Southland Corporation, parent company of the 7-11 convenience chain has been secretly negotiating to land the exclusive rights to carry Martian Water at 7-11 stores worldwide. Now that the existence of water on Mars has been confirmed Southland will be launching its own spaceship known as SLURPEE 1. The ship is currently being constructed under tight security at Akido Island just off the Japanese Coast. While Southland has been tight-lipped about funding for this project, it is rumored that it is a joint venture between billionaire space adventurer Richard Branson, founder of Virgin Atlantic Airlines, and billionaire S.R. Hadden, head of the multi-national conglomerate Hadden Industries. The water will be sold under the brand name “Martian Buzz”.

The water will be sold in conjunction with the world-wide release of Steven Spielberg’s epic space adventure “Mars Needs Women” based on the new L Ron Hubbard bestseller “Scientology Is For Martians”. The movie stars Tom Cruise, and Amy Winehouse in her big screen debut. It is rumored that Winehouse is in negotiations to be the international Martian Buzz spokesperson. It is also rumored that Tom Cruise has booked flight on SLURPEE 1 to establish the first extra-terrestrial Scientology outpost. When it was pointed out there was no intelligent life on Mars, Cruise responded that he did not expect his landing on the Red Planet to change that situation. Cruise went on to state that it was his intent to be the first human to plant the “Flag of Scientology” on Mars. He will also leave a copy of Dianetics for all future space explorers to find and spread the Inter-Galactic Scientologic word throughout the universe.

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Public Execution Of Child Molester Announced!

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Public Execution Of Child Molester Announced!

(NYC) In what appears to be a first in the history of the United States, various pro-“Megan’s Law” and death penalty groups including the one million member “Kill That Pervert Now” pro-death penalty caucus have announced the first public execution of a child molester in the history of the United States. The execution will be held along with a free concert in New York City ‘s Central Park .

While the list of performers at this gala event has not yet been announced, we have learned that the headline performer will be Michael Jackson who will open supported by the Vienna Boys Choir singing “We Are The World” and “Its A Small World“.

Investigative reporters did a “fly over” of the concert/execution site which has been under tight security due to heavy anti-death penalty protests and outrage. They were able to get photos of what appeared to be gallows and a seating gallery being constructed. These photos will be published shortly.

Rumors have been flying as to who will get to be the lucky executioner for this event, which is expected to break all national television ratings records. The Bush Administration today announced that a national lottery will be held to select the executioner. The only selection criteria announced was that the “winning executioner” had to be over 18 years old and a card carrying member of the National Rifle Association (NRA). When contacted, NRA spokespersons were delighted at this requirement and said membership has quadrupled since the announcement. The most compelling question has yet to be answered by the Administration.

When asked about the identity of the lucky “executionee,” President George W. Bush, who is vacationing at Camp David , declined to comment due to security concerns, but did state that all money from the lottery would go to fund the Global War on Terror.

When asked how this execution could take place after the recent Supreme Court decision banning executions for child rape Bush stated :

“The war against pedophiles is an international battle. I have therefore signed an Executive Order declaring all child molesters “enemy combatants”. The execution will therefore take place in accordance with my power under the Military Commissions Act of 2006 and the newly amended War Powers Act to arrest, detain, torture and execute pretty much anyone I want to if they piss me off”

It is rumored that this event will be beamed to countries worldwide, including Thailand which is thought to be the pedophile capital of the world. It will also be beamed to the Middle East , so that it may be viewed in conjunction with whatever public executions happen to be scheduled that day. The media will publish breaking news announcements as new events develop.

©2008 Brian Cuban

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