(CNN Washington)- In an attempt to shore up the McCain-Palin run to the presidency and in a final effort to sway uncommitted swing state voters Republican V.P. candidate Sarah Palin her new new “CMDR Initiative”. She stated that CMDR would change the way the average person lives in today’s world. This initiative is expected to bring a quick turn-around to what is thought to be the most dramatic economic crisis in U.S history. When asked to comment Palin, who was in Dallas,Texas for a private fundraiser stated:
“Desperate times call for desperate measures. Dramatic steps are needed to restore sound fundamentals to the U. S. economy”
Governor Palin went on to state that the CMDR would stimulate the economy in ways never envisioned as well as bring a return to “real family values” like the ones she sees watching the television series “Dallas” in her hometown of Wasilla, Alaska. When it was pointed out that Dallas has been off the air for 17 years, Palin admitted that change has come slowly to Wasilla but still felt the series emulated the family and material values she expected from her children as they leave the seclusion of Wasilla and learned how to party like rock stars.
A CNN investigative reporter was able to obtain a copy of the confidential “CMDR Initiative Action Plan.” For security and legal reasons, we cannot post the report on our site but now for the first time, readers can see the main CMDR points prior to the plan’s implementation.
CMDR stands for “Certificate of Minimum Dating Requirements.”
We have also learned that this initiative was originally attached to the recently passed Economic Bailout Plan. It is now being pushed through in emergency legislative session to address what has become an “epidemic” of guys who have no job or visible means of support showing up for dates with girls by bus or bicycle.
This plan will substantially increase used car sales and relieve a strain on public transportation and the pretentiousness of dating in general – something all parties feel is the breaking point. The plan would also ensure that there is 100 percent employment in the lowest tiers of employability such a fast food restaurants as part of the new McCain “ONE CHILD, ONE BURGER” initiative. It would also ensure that all ditches that need dug are in fact dug.
The key element of this new legislation will be the formation of a national CMDR database. Inclusion in the database will be strictly voluntary. In order to get in the CMDR Database, a guy or girl will have to do the following:
Provide the database administrator with a current address, not a P.O. Box as well as proof of U.S Citizenship.
Allow the database administrator to do a registered sex offender check.
Provide the database administrator with a current title to a vehicle at least equivalent to minimum buy-in BMW.
Provide the database administrator with two current pay stubs evidencing a salary of at least $50K per year.
Provide documentation that you are not married and do not live with your parents.
To be in the database, you agree to update this information every three months. This information will be encoded into the driver’s license of all those who participate in the database. The database will charge a fee of $20 per month. This fee will provide a reader capable of reading the encoding on the driver’s license.
We have learned it will work as follows:
Let’s say a girl meets a guy she likes. She has the legal right to ask if that guy is in the CMDR Database. If he isn’t, the girl can assume that he probably does not own a car or takes the bus to pick up dates, is unemployed and may be a registered sex offender.
If you do not own a car because of you live an enumerated major city, you can apply for a “Big Apple Exemption” from the vehicle requirement.
If the guy is in the database, the girl may scan his driver’s license through the reader and the display will show what kind of car he drives, his sex offender status, and how much he makes per year. She may then make an intelligent decision on whether to go on a date with him.
Palin stated that as a mother of 3 girls she has a personal stake in ensuring that complete losers who show up for their dates on bikes and buses will go buy a car. It is also felt that this will drastically reduce the number of perverts and $30K a year millionaires asking out unsuspecting women.
In order to encourage inclusion in the new CMDR Database, it was announced that the first 1,000 people will get a free “No Deadbeats” credit check!
John McCain took time out from preparations for the up-coming town-hall debate to comment. He stated that something needed to be done about unemployed geeks because they were an unnecessary drain on the economy. He recommended military conscription for those who could not obtain a CMDR. He pointed out that they would be employable when they came out and who didn’t want to date a man in uniform? When pressed to elaborate, he pointed out that he had found a rich hottie young enough to be his daughter but admitted that he already had a Beemer when he snagged her. McCain went on to state that 7 homes and a trust fund trophy wife would be within the grasp of all lower and middle class Americans should his CMDR initiative pass.
When confronted with the leaked version of the initiative New York Senator Hillary Clinton who was out stumping for Senator Barack Obama was surprisingly receptive. She gave the following statement:
“Most females agree with the bedrock conservative premise that dating toothless unemployed losers without cars and who live with their mommies and daddies was a major problem in today’s society and action needed to be taken. Taking your date to McDonalds by bus or bicycle is not the answer to our problems – it is the problem. I believe that as a movement, we have veered off course into the dangerous and uncharted waters of settling for the hot bodied pool boy with the bus pass versus sacrificing some looks for the comfort and security of a guy holding a CMDR.”
Senator Clinton was also quoted as saying “better a hunchback with a Beemer than a pool boy with a bus pass. It worked for me. ”
Chelsea Clinton who was stumping with her mother refused to comment on CMDR but was quietly overheard telling a friend that she had not had a date in years anyways so she really didn’t care
one way or another.
Senator Barrack Obama stated that he would welcome the opportunity to debate the economics of the CMDR initiative. He felt that while the plan had merit it did not go far enough. While he would not comment furthur he was heard in a “hot mike” telling an adviser that if he could snag a Ivy League babe anyone could. He also stated that he had just made his last payment on his 1980 BMW.
More to follow…