(WASHINGTON) CNN has learned that President George W. Bush will announce what he termed a “historic news conference”. Press Secretary Dana Perino stated that the announcement would be of unprecedented scientific and political significance. While the administration has been tight lipped on any further details, CNN has been able to obtain certain key details and the attached photos taken with a cell phone camera smuggled into Area 51. The photos are both stunning and frightening in their national and world significance.

CNN has has been told that an announcement will be made that the question of whether we are alone in the universe has been answered. The answer will pose a significant threat to national and world security. President Bush is considering a complete recall of the National Guard from the Middle East. An emergency session of Congress has been convened to consider reinstating the draft to deal with this galactic threat.

It appears that for the past 3 years there have been breaches of United States airspace by extra-terrestrial crafts which have deposited millions of undetected “pods” hidden in rural farm fields and uninhabited terrain in both the United States, Canada. After a three week “gestation” period, these pods have hatched humanoid creatures which the Bush administration as termed “OBOMAROIDS”.

CNN has learned that these “OBAMAROIDS” when fully developed appear completely human to the naked eye and communicate both verbally, telepathically along with mind control capabilities. These OBAMAROIDS were first detected through a mysterious signal that seemed to be emanating from Obama Girls videos on YouTube.

A team of decryption specialists at MIT have been able to determine that the source of the signal. It is a previously undetected alien satellite of unknown origin orbiting the earth. While the meaning of the signals are still unknown, it has been determined that part of the signal transmits the message: “I am John McCain, I’ve Fallen and I Can’t Catch Up” It has also been determined though brain scans that there is a definite mind control component to the signal. It is unknown how long this signal has been transmitted and how many people have been infected.

President Bush will issue an executive order tommorow extending the Military Commissions Act of 2006 to extra-terrestrials. He will then declare the Obama girls “enemy combatants”. They have already been arrested by the FBI and are being held in a specially fortified holding cell in Guantanamo Bay. This cell is designed to prevent any type of signals going in or out.

Scientists from all over the world have alleged come together at Area 51 in New Mexico to hopefully determine the extent of the invasion and whether the signal has affected the internet. Specially designed sunglasses are being developed that would be able to spot these OBAMAROIDS in their alien form. One MIT scientist speaking on condition of anonymity due to national security concerns stated when seen in their alien form , these OBMAROIDS were ugly, “lizard like” creatures.

Democratic Presidential Candidate Barack Obama had little to say when briefed on these developments. He was overhead on a “hot mike” commenting that he had purchased new designer sunglasses for everyone on his staff.

Republican Presidential Candidate John McCain stated that he was ready to battle the OBAMAROIDS wherever they were on land and sea. He also stated that he was ready to “re-up” for military service and felt confident that he could be brought up to speed quickly on the new military fighter jets. When asked if his age would prevent him from military service, McCain stated that he had just watched the movie Independence Day and if Randy Quaid could save the world from aliens, he should get his shot.

Stay tuned for part 2 of this special CNN special report entitled ATTACK OF THE OBAMAROIDS!

(NYC) In what appears to be a first in the history of the United States, various pro-”Megan’s Law” and death penalty groups including the one million member “Kill That Pervert Now” pro-death penalty caucus have announced the first public execution of a child molester in the history of the United States. The execution will be held along with a free concert in New York City ‘s Central Park .

While the list of performers at this gala event has not yet been announced, we have learned that the headline performer will be Michael Jackson who will open supported by the Vienna Boys Choir singing “We Are The World” and “Its A Small World“.

Investigative reporters did a “fly over” of the concert/execution site which has been under tight security due to heavy anti-death penalty protests and outrage. They were able to get photos of what appeared to be gallows and a seating gallery being constructed. These photos will be published shortly.

Rumors have been flying as to who will get to be the lucky executioner for this event, which is expected to break all national television ratings records. The Bush Administration today announced that a national lottery will be held to select the executioner. The only selection criteria announced was that the “winning executioner” had to be over 18 years old and a card carrying member of the National Rifle Association (NRA). When contacted, NRA spokespersons were delighted at this requirement and said membership has quadrupled since the announcement. The most compelling question has yet to be answered by the Administration.

When asked about the identity of the lucky “executionee,” President George W. Bush, who is vacationing at Camp David , declined to comment due to security concerns, but did state that all money from the lottery would go to fund the Global War on Terror.

When asked how this execution could take place after the recent Supreme Court decision banning executions for child rape Bush stated :

“The war against pedophiles is an international battle. I have therefore signed an Executive Order declaring all child molesters “enemy combatants”. The execution will therefore take place in accordance with my power under the Military Commissions Act of 2006 and the newly amended War Powers Act to arrest, detain, torture and execute pretty much anyone I want to if they piss me off”

It is rumored that this event will be beamed to countries worldwide, including Thailand which is thought to be the pedophile capital of the world. It will also be beamed to the Middle East , so that it may be viewed in conjunction with whatever public executions happen to be scheduled that day. The media will publish breaking news announcements as new events develop.

©2008 Brian Cuban

What do you think of when you visualize your average Digg user? I visualize a late teen to twenty something geek glasses wearing, dateless, pimple popping nerd, barricaded in his room bedroom smoking a doobie while drinking a diet soft drink, farting on his cat and endlessly hitting the “refresh” key in the hopes of that one more elusive “Digg” that will take his story to the masses with his mother constantly calling upstairs to ask if he has found a job yet……

That is NOT a criticism of Digg users. It is more my taking a self inventory of my life and a warning to diggers that I am what you have to look forward to. A forty- something, Lasik vision enhanced dateless, pimple popping nerd with a bad back from sitting on his “computer ass” all day endlessly hitting the “refresh” key between sips of my favorite java in the hopes of that one more “Digg” that will take my story to the masses…

I am making up for lost “Digger Geek” time as I never got to be a true Digg Geek . Not only did Digg not exist in my true geek days but neither did personal computers or the internet…. How in the world did we all get by back then? If I didn’t have Digg now I would probably switch to massive heroin abuse….. Frankly, if I could stick my head in my computer terminal to get my hair cut, I would never leave the freaking house, Digging endlessly through time….

In the end we are all destined for “Digger Anonymous”. I can see it now…” my name is Brian and I am a Digging, nose picking geek”…. HELLO BRIAN!

Diggers are an interesting bunch…..

I frankly am a Digger that other Diggers love to hate. Why? Because I am a digging nose picking geek who often self promotes. This means I sometimes Digg my own original content posted on my own blog. As more than one Digger has so eloquently stated.. “Who gives a f**k was you think!” While I am actually proud of the fact that three original pieces I wrote went front page, I absolutely understand this philosophy.

The Digg philosophy is the only credible story is a story someone else wrote….

I have no problem with this. My content is not for everyone and may only have credibility to a limited few. I frankly think Bill O’reilly is a no credibility nose picking geek but hey, thats just me…. There are masses who think anything that comes out of his mouth should be a new paragraph in a history book. It is all in the eyes of the geek on the other end isn’t it? Credibility is judged by the masses. Just ask any bookie setting a line….

Even though it serves a legitimate “news distribution” purpose, I just can’t sit in front of my computer, diet coke and doobie in hand, endlessly digging articles across the internet… I would rather write original content offering my take on the news and digg that around the internet. I love to generate thought and discussion.

A perfect example of this is the groundbreaking scientific genetic animal cross-breeding story that broke the other day. Genetic scientists announced the creation of a whole new species of animal. They announced the creation of the “Chimpcat” A Chimpcat is apparently a cross between a chimpanzee and a house cat. It is furry, it can swing through trees and meows like a cat.

Now I could simply Digg this story in the hopes of accumulating thousands of Diggs and getting that elusive free set of steak knives I hear Digg awards monthly to the highest digger….. I however would rather write/blog my own opinion on the legal, medical ethics and social implications of the “Chimpcat”

I would rather write about my concern that the introduction of the Chimpcat into society will cause the entire public service infrastructure to collapse. Can you imagine a world where fire departments were endlessly called out on false “Chimpcats in trees” calls? There would be no time for legitimate fire calls. Cities would burn. Societies would collapse. Anarchy would ensue. Dogs and Chimpcats would be sleeping in the streets together….. Our worst nightmares would ensure…..

As the first person to pick up on and write about his insidious “Chimpcat conspiracy” don’t I have Digg credibility? Do I not now have a P.H.D in “chimpcatology” worthy of millions of Diggs?

GO CHIMPCAT GO!

  I have taken more grief on one particular issue more than any subject I have written on. I even ran into some people in NYC recently who read my blog and commented on my lack of spelling etiquette which is was a nice way of saying that I can’t spell worth a shit. (Just the other day someone pointed out that I had spelled my own name wrong on a portion of my blog) I was really feeling pretty “low rent” in my grammatical efforts and was contemplating various types of therapy to get over the feelings of “spelling inadequacy”.  Just when I was about to end it all , I saw something that pulled me out of  the doldrums and restored my faith in humanity and human nature in general. I was perusing a back issue of Marie Claire Magazine. (Yes, real men read Marie Claire) The following story headline was prominently displayed:

The Million-Dollar Question” … the byline under the title reads as follows:  “We’re better educated, better read, and better at launching a business.  So why, when it comes to managing money, do women lag behind?  Serial debter(sic) Meghan Daum explains the complex state of women and wealth.”

Being an attorney and holding numerous credit cards, I am very familiar with the term “debtor“   In legal circles and the many threatening letters from these credit card combines and their paid leg-breakers…… it has always been spelled DEBTOR!  I looked at their spelling and immediately was of the opinion that there was a spelling I was unaware of. … I suspect that this magazine is paying people who call themselves assistant editors who pick up girls claiming to be aspiring writers  working on a hit play in the NYC bar scene and….. get paid to check spelling……

 At least I have an excuse. I’m just lazy and have not written anything worthy enough to play the 50k a year billionaire in NYC (Millionaires are a dime a dozen there so you have to jack up your game…).

MARIE CLAIRE IS A TOTALLY DIFFERENT MATTER!  They are ruled by the almighty dollar and to have such a blatant misspelling on such a mainstream word (especially to those of us who owe) has to be an incredible embarrassment that registers 9.0 on the I f****k up Richter scale! I mean when your whole product consists of the written word, someone is going from senior editor to copy boy on that one!

I decide to help Marie Claire out and prove that someone there knew some esoteric definition of “debtor” that the legal profession had overlooked. I went to the Miriam Webster Website. I typed in “debtor” and “debtor.”  I have very bad news for the former editor and new copy boy at Marie Claire. Only the “o” version exists according to Miriam Webster.

 It is possible that the word “debter” was being used in the great tradition of France given the origins of the magazine. I however took the liberty of using an online French-English and English-French Dictionary and could find no analogous use of the word in French. Note to the former editor and now proud new copyboy- those buying the magazine here  Dallas, Texas and Pittsburgh, Pa and just about everywhere else BUT maybe New York City are probably expecting to read words that exemplify the great literary concepts and traditions of the good old U.S of A! I for one do not possess dual citizenship and have enough trouble translating English on a daily basis.

Now every time I get a comment or a message lambasting me for my admittedly haphazard spelling, I will think of Marie Claire’s new copyboy and strive to do better (not bettor)!

If anyone former Marie Claire assistant editors want a job checking my blog let me know.  You won’t get paid anything but you will be a “debter person” for it…….