The NBA season is upon us. I attended the Dallas Mavericks first exhibition game. I then took an unusual step for me. I roamed the streets of Dallas checking out various nightclubs contemplating the hope filled start of the Dallas Mavericks season. I wandered aimlessly from bar to bar contemplating what I hoped was the start of a very successful season ending in a championship. It struck me that there were many similarities between the social interactions I witnessed out on the singles scene and the great game of hoops. It made me realize that while life imitates art, basketball can imitate life. If you don’t believe me put on your high-tops any weekend and step onto the hardwood court of Dallas or any big city nightlife where an entire basketball season is played out on any given night. There are no points for second place. The winners hit nothing but net while the losers head home alone and whine the next morning about how they gave their best. The only way you can only get a “clear path” to the basket” view of all this is if you are living outside the three point line. I stared in awe as a baseline spectator of the same game all over again on a different court. There different players, different rules and the winners and loser some times much more subtle than the fourth quarter sore or determining the defensive or offensive set. To watch this game I had to re-learn all I knew about basketball and how it applied to the nightlife scene. Once I had finished learning the rules and different offensive (sometimes very offensive!) and defensive sets, a night out in Dallas became more entertaining than watching the NBA Finals.
In order to see what I saw and know what I know you have to have a basic understanding of basketball “terminology” as it applies to both the NBA and the nightclub scene. Once you have this understanding you will never look at a bar or nightclub in the same light. Here are some of the terms you need to understand. You can find the actual NBA definitions for many of these terms here. These are in no particular order:
“Palming“ The act of adjusting your crotch in a nightclub right in front of your buddy/wingman and the hot girl you are talking to. This is a change in possession foul and you must now transfer possession of the hot girl to your buddy.
“Slam-dunk“ The last drunk girl in the bar at 2 am
“Full Court Press “ Within fifteen minutes of meeting a girl in a bar you have given her your phone number, certified financial statement, recent HIV test, two round trip tickets to Vegas for the next day. You even have flowers sent to the girl while still in the bar.
“Flagrant Foul“ At the very moment the hottest girl in the bar is handing you her telephone number, your best buddy picks his nose. This is a two shot foul. You keep the ball. Your buddy must buy two shots of any drink you choose for you and any girl you want the rest of the night.
“Double-Double“ You figure it out…
“Triple Double“ U DA MAN!
Clear Path Foul: You picked up the hottest girl in the club. She has told you how much she wants you. You are on your way back to your place. She pukes all over your car.
“Fast Break“ You have not even valeted the car yet and your buddy is coming out of the nightclub, hot girl in hand.
“Traveling” You live in Dallas. She lives in Fort Worth. This is a change in possession foul if your buddy doesn’t care where she lives.
24 Second Violation: You meet a hot girl. You spend the first 25 seconds talking about your millions in the bank, new Maserati, listing on the Forbes 400 and your Gulfstream while your 3 roommates look on. The is also known as a “30k Millionaire Violation” It is a change in possession violation to any guy in the bar that actually owns a Maserati or Gulfstream.
“Double Dribble“ You forget to tie your shoes. Just as you are about to hand your girl her drink, you trip and spill both drinks on her. This is a change in possession foul as your buddy calls you a clumsy idiot stating that he would never be so stupid. She agrees and goes home with him.
“Back Court Violation“ Your posse is in the club. You have drink in hand when you realize your driver was denied entrance because he wore tennis shoes.
“Alley Oop“ Your buddy hands off to you that last drunk girl in the bar at 2 am. You are hoping to convert to a “slam dunk”.
“Moving Screen“ Your buddy is not getting near that girl. She is going home with you!
“Blocking Foul“ Right when the hottest girl in the club is handing you’re her phone number and your buddy comes up and says he found your wedding ring on the floor.
“Offensive Foul“ You had Italian for dinner. Your about to kiss your girl good night on the cheek (because you’re a gentlemen) when you burp and a piece of spaghetti lands on her cheek. This is a change of possession foul. She does not care who gets the ball as along as its not you.
“Loose Ball Foul“ No clean underwear and an unknown hole tear in your pants.
“Technical Foul” She told you she was 21 when you bought her a drink. This is a ejection from game foul and a minimum one game suspension to be spent in a 4 by 6 with bars.
“Offensive Rebound“ It is not your fault your buddy cant close.
“Tip Off” You spy something suspiciously looking like an Adam’s Apple on the hot “girl” you are talking to.
“Two Minute Warning” Its last call. You struck out. Your driver has left and you have no cab fare.
You now have the rules you need to step into the hoops arena of Dallas Nightlife or any big city club scee where unlike the NBA, every weekend brings a new season..
Being an attorney, I had to laugh at the story about the web site FireGeorgeKarl. George Karl is the coach of the Denver Nuggets. These fire the coach web sites related to the coaches of sports franchises have become popular. There is even one out there called FireAvery.com. Avery Johnson is the coach of the Dallas Mavericks who are owned by my brother Mark Cuban. The absurdity of these sites and the notion that they have any effect on NBA decision making is self evident but hey, everyone has an opinion and the right to voice it as long as it does not cross into the area of slander and defamation.
What I found funny about the FireGeorgeKarl site was the Coach Karl’s attorney, Brett Adams, of the law firm of Adams, Babner and Gitlitz also decided to voice his opinion by email sent to the owner of the site. I guess Mr. Adams never bothered to read my DATAPINBALL post about thinking before you hit send……… His email threatening to “sue the owner of the site into bankruptcy” pinballed to the expected path of least resistance…… The owner of the site did exactly what I would have done. He posted the email on his web site……
What is ironic is that Mr. Adams impugned the quality of the web site owner’ life, asking if he had nothing better to do than to create such web sites…..
Mr. Adams obviously had nothing better to do than do take a three step process into legal idiocy….(Something every attorney has frankly done at one time or another including myself) The first step was to lose his temper over nothing at all; the second step was to write an email about it while he was still pissed; the third step was to hit send….
Talk about reducing your reputation value! Once more time the point is made that attorneys, especially attorneys with huge egos, have zero sense of humor…… That email was not written out of rational legal analysis, it was not written out of rational desire to achieve it a legal result. It was written out of sheer ego and a sense of self inflated importance……. This is an ailment very common to the legal profession. Now I will concede that Mr. Adams may very well have been instructed by George Karl to take some action but I doubt that Mr. Karl dictated the specific action to take….. Ego combined with carte blanche is a dangerous combination…….
I have a suggestion for Coach Karl. If he really wants to get results he should can Brett Adams as his counsel and retain the firm of Rabinowitz, Rabinowitz and Rabinowitz….. Three savage Jews that will tear the skin off you…. They kicked ass for Archie Bunker……
So let it be written……. So let it be done……
I love the Pittsburgh Steelers. I have nothing but the highest respect for the Rooney family. I however have to give it the big eye roll and chuckle when the Steelers take virtually two identical incidents, players assaulting their girlfriends and cut the has-been backup player while keeping the star player.
The actions of the Steelers re-affirm that there is a double standard in professional sports when it comes to on-field accountability for off-field conduct…..
The Pittsburgh Steelers released wide receiver Cedrick Wilson on Thursday, hours after he was charged with assaulting his estranged girlfriend at a suburban restaurant. Wilson was once a great wide recever but is on the downside of his career and did not do much for the Steelers last year
Compare that to the situation of Steeler’s star linebacker James Harrison, voted the Steelers’ MVP by his teammates last season who was charged with simple assault and criminal mischief for allegedly hitting his girlfriend on March 8
Harrison unlike Wilson remains with the team in no danger of being released.
With regards to the Harris incident, team chairman Dan Rooney told reporters. “The Steelers do not condone violence of any kind, especially against women.” Rooney went on to state that “they viewed the two siutations differently”
Well let’s see , Situation #1-Boy hits girl…. Situation #2 Boy hits girl…… Yea, I can see how they would view those differently…..
What Rooney does not tell you is that they dont view the situation different because there is any difference in conduct of the players; they view it differently in that releasing one is no big deal while releasing the other would have a major impact on the team.
I guess Harris’s girlfriend must have secretly told Mr. Rooney that it was really rough-sex play and she secretly enjoyed being pummeled by her boyfriend…….
Added on 21 November 2013