Cougars have been all over the news. Not the four legged kind. The 40+ female kind prowling the darkness of the night in search of the their prey. The 25-30 year old hard bodied pool boy role playing the part of the 30k a year millionaire douche-bag. Polo sleeves rolled up. Phony bank statement in back pocket. Tribal tattoo and a cheat card for local gangster rapper signs in the other pocket. In all the hubbub about Cougars I began to wonder to myself. What ever happened to the good old fashioned Gold Digger? The 20-30 year old hot bodied secretary by day, stripper by night, sharing and apartment with 4 roomies, three rented dresses and looking for all the sweetness us 45-55 year old sugar-daddies have to offer. Have they gone out of style? Maybe they have seen the episode of Sex And The City where the 70 year old shows his bare butt. It has scared them all off. My home of Dallas, Texas was once the gold-digging capital of the world but now seems to have shifted to the big games of Cougars. I thought all was lost until I read this article(pdf) in Glamour Magazine. (Real Men Read Glamour).

The article is about this lady name Jennifer Binder. She is talking about her thoughts and experiences in having dated the multi-millionaire “ultimate big shot”, disgraced former Enron big wig, Jeff Skilling, who has been convicted of numerous crimes related to the Enron collapse and is currently serving a federal 24-year, 4-month prison sentence. As I read the article, it occurred to me that this Binder lady was really Ashley Dupre and Eliot Spitzer five years removed. I am not saying that Jennifer was a “call girl” in the literal sense of the word but there are some analogies to be made here. If you could read between the lines what your really had was “THE GOLDIGGERS GUIDE TO THE GALAXY”

I have been able to successfully decipher the galactic meaning of this article. I am going to translate it for everyone by outlining what she says and giving my “take” as to the “galactic” meaning for all the other “GDITs” (Gold Diggers In Training). Here are her quotes from the article and what she was really saying after applying my Star Trek Universal Translator:

Binder: “Jeff did indeed fly me to England for our first date; later he bought me jewelry and even helped with the down-payment on my house”

Galactic Translation: I am a professional gold-digger. I have no other means of support. I would not even look at you twice unless you had a “Gulfstream” waiting to whisk me off to an exotic location that went over one ocean or the other before we landed.

Binder: “that (the money) really blinded me to the age difference…”

Galactic Translation: Unlike Cougars, professional Gold Diggers have no age requirements. If you are 90 years old and still breathing, I’m all yours if that Gulfstream is fueled and ready. If you’re a trust fund baby, I will “babysit” you until you are old enough to appreciate Cougars.

Binder: “Greed is not good for a relationship”

Galactic Translation: Lots of money will kill a relationship if you no longer have it.

Binder: “If it seems like has something to hide, he has something to hide”

Galactic Translation: If you pay for my condo; seed my bank account; buy my Lexus and fly me to London every week for dinner, I don’t care if you are hiding eight ex-wives, five illegitimate children and are a registered sex offender.

Binder: “When friends don’t have anything nice to say about your boyfriend, listen”

Galactic Translation: If he is doing all of the above, WHO NEED FRIENDS!

Binder: “You really can learn from every experience”

Galactic Translation: When you have your next billionaire ‘”mark” in your sites, and he is about to be indicted for anything or pass away from old age, get as many assets as possible including the jet, transferred to your name before he goes to jail or dies.

There you have it. There is no longer any need to take Dramamine every night to combat pole swinging motion sickness. Follow the simple rules above and the world of rich geezers and insider trading felons is yours for the taking.

©2008 Brian Cuban